Blackout Mistakes: Should They be Forgiven?

“What happened last night?”

Ahh, the blackout. These words have become oh-so-familiar over the past two years I’ve spent at this fine university. Sunday mornings – Gatorade and a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich in hand – I sit in my living room with my roommates, attempting to piece together the events from the night before. Looking through pictures, decoding unintelligible text messages sent to the cute guy from Calculus, my friend apologizing for puking on my shoes or stealing my pizza before I had a chance to get the door.

I can’t be mad at them though, or even blame them. Sometimes the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol takes over and there is no turning back. They are no longer the same person and are going to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Like the infamous girl-on-girl makeout sesh which is now plastered all over Facebook.

But like they taught you in elementary school, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And recently, that person was me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two vomit-includingly cute years. We moved in together in August to a new apartment where he makes me dinner after a long night at work, and we’ve even talked marriage.

We were the stereotypical happy couple until about two weeks ago during a blackout sorta night.

All of my friends were finally back in town before this spring (spring? There’s two feet of snow outside) semester started, so naturally we had to celebrate get wasted. After a long night of cheap vodka and too many shots at the bar, we went back to my friend’s apartment for afties. Just another successful night.

That is, until I realized that my boyfriend was missing and I had no idea where he was. I started roaming around the apartment. I looked in the kitchen, then the bathroom. Nothing. Finally, I peeked my head into my friend’s bedroom and there he was. Naked. On top of a girl. Who was also naked.

Naturally, I flipped the eff out. I screamed, I stormed over to the bed and pulled him off of her. I stared at him, anger bubbling up inside of me; his eyes were glazed, he was falling over, and he had no idea where he was. My boyfriend was beyond blacked out.

The rest of the night got a little hazy. I went crazy, taking justice into my own hands. Literally. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed in the back of a cop car, blowing a .34 BAC (classy, I know) and being charged with domestic assault (apparently some neighbors called the cops to file a noise complaint). Not my finest moment. After I got out and was able to talk to my boyfriend again (sans fists), I demanded answers. But got nothing. He was blacked out the entire time; he didn’t remember being at the bar, going back to the apartment, or even how he ended up with a black eye and a fat lip. (Yeah, I totally JWowwed his ass. I was angry!)

And this fact alone has left me completely torn and unable to eat or sleep. My boyfriend betrayed my trust and really broke my heart. He sent me into a fit of rage I’ve never known before and made a fool out of me.

But can I really blame him for something that happened when he was blackout drunk?
Something that he doesn’t even remember doing?
Can that even be considered cheating?
Do I forgive him?

I honestly don’t know what to think.

The thing about this situation is that everything is not black and white. It would have been so much easier to just dump him and walk away if he was going behind my back on purpose. But he wasn’t. And while nothing technically happened (they didn’t have sex), it scares the shiz out of me to think what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in. It disgusts me to think about my boyfriend being with someone else, or what he was saying to her while they were in bed, or how he ended up there in the first place.

I definitely blame my boyfriend for getting that drunk. Mostly because he always gets that drunk. I blame him for putting himself in that situation and for putting me in that situation. But I still don’t know if I can blame him for what he actually did. I can’t hold him more responsible for his actions than my friend who pukes on my shoes, or the friend who always steals my food when she comes home from the bar drunk. I know neither of them would intentionally hurt me when they’re sober, so is this really different?  I’ve never gotten into a fight with my boyfriend, let alone had to deal with something like this. Until this incident, I never had a reason not to trust him.

Is this a good enough reason?

I understand that to many of you this seems like such a simple answer, but I’m seriously stuck. I love my boyfriend and we have so much history. I honestly don’t know what to do. What do you think? Can blackout mistakes be forgiven?



  1. chelsea says:

    I think it depends on how you're feeling now, a few days after this happened. I think that some blackout mistakes can be forgiven, but for me, this would be way too much. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years as well, and I wouldn't hesitate to break up with him after this.

    However, that's just me. If you think that you can get over it and won't do it again/will stop drinking this much, then maybe it's worth staying together.

    If you think you might always have this moment in the back of your mind, maybe it's time to break it off!

  2. Annie says:

    This should be reason enough for him to stop drinking to the point where he can't control his actions. It's hard to be angry with him in the same way if he had done that sober. Obviously it's had a negative impact on your relationship. Ultimatum: alcohol or you. If he loves you the way you say he does, the choice should be an easy one.

  3. allie says:

    well, lets think about what he did, he got blackout drunk, but if you did too you cant really get mad at him for that, not really without getting mad at yourself. now im going to sound like a party pooper, but when you do get black out drunk its horrible for your body. i think if you take him back you need to lay out ground rules. first one being, his ass can not get black out drunk ever again if hes to be with you. he can get tipsy, but anything after that is a total nono. the same goes for you too. when your a couple your suppose to grow together, how can you do that if you both get stupid, i mean very stupid, drunk so drunk in fact you blackout. what he did was horrible, and he put his self in that situation. if it was me i would take him back and let him know he is not to ever get that drunk again since he obviously cant handle his self. thats just me, also you have every right to be totally pissed off, i probably would have gone to jail to if i saw him do that just saying.

  4. Kimberly says:

    Even though there is so much history in this situation (two great years), you need to think about this. He may not have meant it, but if he always gets this drunk as you say, how many times could this have happened that you don't know about and he doesn't remember? There could be MANY more.I would have broken up with him immediately, because after this I would have lost all trust in him. But you should get tested because if this happened and he doesn't remember it, how do you know he played it safe? There's just too many questions for me if I was in your situation that I wouldn't be able to stay with him. Good luck though.

  5. Casey says:

    I agree with Chelsea, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and if this happened to me, we would be dunzo, no questions asked. The reason this would be such an easy decision for me is because If he's prone to getting that fucked up, then there's no telling what he's done in the past or what he will do in the future, and I don't play that game. just because you're f-ed up doesn't make it ok, just because you don't remember doesn't excuse what you did, you still did it. If he, even in a blackout state, can take a girl home, to the apartment you both share (I don't see how he didn't remember he had a gf once he entered the apartment that YOU reside in) then there has to be something even if just in the very far back of his mind, that would make him want to cheat, if you truly care for someone and want to be with them, they are always there in the back of your mind, no matter how fucked up you are (and trust me, I've been there).

    Basically, If my boyfriend didn't remember me, even if he was blackout drunk then I don't think he's worth keeping around. And I don't think a guy who drinks that much to begin with is worth keeping around. (not to mention he probably lacks the maturity to be in an actual relationship.)

    That may sound harsh, but that's just how I feel. But this is your relationship, and your decision, and I don't think any of us can really give you advice on it since we don't know you or your relationship. So all I can say is good luck, and i hope it works out for you.

  6. X. says:

    You got arrested for domestic assault. And by the sound of it, *you* weren't even blackout drunk. How is this ok?

    Seriously – what would the first reaction to this article be if you switched the genders? I'm pretty sure it would be to the violence, not the rest.

  7. Hailey says:

    Something similar to this situation happened to me on Halloween weekend, when I found my boyfriend of over a year making out with some girl he knew from highschool in a club bathroom. He claims to have been blackout drunk, and suffering from major commitment phobia (he had met my parents the night before), but apologized.

    We're still together, but it's taken until now for me to truly forgive him and move on. And really, the only thing that made that possible was taking a little space. We didn't break up, but we certainly slowed things down for good period of time. Being where you were, I don't blame you for your confusion. Go stay with some girlfriends for a couple of days (it sucks that you live together when things like this happen!), take some space, and think about what you want to do.

  8. M. says:

    This is a tough one, and I feel for you. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and so I can really sympathize with your reluctance to just toss all that history out the window and dump him for one blacked-out mistake, especially since, as X. said, you then hauled off and domestic assaulted him.

    To me, the most telling and problematic sentence in the article is "Mostly because he always gets that drunk," particularly paired with your own BAC. Taking some time out to think about it is a good idea, certainly, as Hailey says, but perhaps equally important, if you decide that this is worth working out, is that both of you seek some help. If he "always gets that drunk," perhaps he should consider a support program like AA. At the very least, instating a one-drink-and-you're-done rule might be a good idea — for both of you. If you think that either of you might be an alcoholic, that's something to seek help for as soon as possible: you don't want to marry him and end up in a destructive, codependent situation a few years from now.

  9. Eliza says:

    The thing is, none of this probably would have happened if alcohol hadn't been involved. Not only are both of your actions unacceptable, it's only unacceptable that you allowed yourselves to get to that point. If you know that you drink to the point of blacking out and the possibilities that come with that, why would you do that in the first place I find it astounding that such a thing could ever be considered enjoyable, especially knowing the potential consequences. It doesn't seem like either one of you are mature enough to do "grown-up" things, like drink or live together. Your relationship definitely needs to be reevaluated, not only with each other but with drinking.

  10. Sarah says:

    This is insane. I know you love him and I know it would be easier to chalk this up to just being "black out drunk" but this is just too much. If this happens as often as you implied then this person has more problems then I can even imagine. How do you know he hasnt done this before? How do you know the next time he gets very drunk he wont do something worse (to himself or to you)? Love is one thing, but when you both start hurting eachother this way (him cheating on you and you physically assaulting him) enough is enough.

  11. chelseykelsey says:

    I couldn't handle that. Though you didn't handle yourself in the best way… drunk or not I would have wanted to do the same thing. I would talk to him, apologize not for getting angry but for getting physical, and tell him that I couldn't stay in that situation. It's too scary to think about what could have happened that night as well as what may have happened in the past or may happen in the future.

  12. Kelly - University o says:

    A lot of you are saying you would dump him immediately if it happened to you (I said the same myself) but when it happens, it's so much harder than that.

    Believe me, I looked a lot into in. When someone is blacked out from alcohol, they do not remember anything for more than 30 seconds. And when this is the first mistake, it's even harder to not break up.

  13. Kelly - University o says:

    Thanks for all of the comments guys!

    A few things I should clear up:

    1. It did not happen at our apartment

    2. He has never done this before, I know this for a fact. And I have never hit him before either. It was the alcohol+seeing him with someone else that set me off. I'm usually a very quiet, timid person! It was so unlike me and I regretted it right after it happened.

    3. It's been two weeks now and neither of us have drank once. It has helped infinitely and I don't see getting drunk like that ever again to be helpful at all to our relationship.

    1. Anthony says:

      Hey Kelly, I'm in the same situation….sorta…did you guys end up working it out in the end?? I'm a male…my bf got blackout drunk and didn't have sex either but was kinda involved in the same scenario…..I was like you that I always said "I don't tolerate cheating" but then this happened and he was blackout drunk and he admitted what he did. I so feel your pain!! Are you guys together now?

    2. Meda says:

      I think you are awesome. Sorry you had to find out that EVERYONE "F"s up at one point. But that's what teaches you who you are. Some people's f-ups ….well they go to prison sometimes for there one thing or two things or three. May you be more forgiving to people you meet or hear gossip about. Sometimes you hear something about someone and think- what a bitch, or a-hole, or just what a stupid person. Think twice. Compassion is all we have left as a species. I truly believe that, So now you can relate better, and your compassion and empathy goes deeper, for those who have tripped over themselves as well. It's good fortune, not a curse.

  14. Ricochet says:

    How about both of you sound like you have major drinking problems. Blackout drunks don't suddenly straighten up and fly right when they get out of college(assuming they can graduate with a future), they continue on being blackout drinks. And drunks with anger issues will continue to end up in the back seat of cruisers with those oh so hard to remove bracelets and rivers of eyeliner running attractivley down their face. Whatever you do, don't you two have kids. Theirs will be a life of misery.

    just sayin'

  15. dani says:

    I would break up with him. What would have happened if you didn't think to catch him? You were drunk too, but you thought to check where he was. Why didn't he do the same? It's just…it's no. I wouldn't deal with this. Being THAT DRUNK is also ridiculously unsafe. God knows how often this could happen again, or possibly happened before without you catching him. Not to mention, I know several guys who admittedly have told me they lied about being blacked out as an excuse for getting away with drunken asshole behavior.

  16. Lynn says:

    I understand it must be pretty hard for you and that you are feeling very confused. If it were me, I knew I wouldn't be able to continue that relationship because the trust is broken. You know what happens when you cause an accident because your drunk? You're still held responsible. It was his decision to consume that much alcohol without considering the consequences.

    If you want to stay together, you have to sit down and really think about whether or not you're going to be able to truly forgive him. What would be the point of continuing the relationship if days, weeks, months from now there is still that horrible image lingering in the back of your mind and you're still holding it against him. It wouldn't be fair to your emotions and it wouldn't be fair to him either.

  17. Katee says:

    I think it all depends on if you can trust him again. You were both very drunk, and you both did things you obviously regret. As you said, the not drinking thing is helping. If that helps and you can both forgive each other, then stay with him. But if its always going to be in the back of your mind, your going to have problems. It could come up again in future arguments, you could end up completely destroying the memories of the good past you share.

    I hope everything works out for you two. This is obviously a difficult situation. But if you can forgive each other, then good for you (=

  18. M says:

    IT doesn't even MATTER at this point whether blackout mistakes can be forgiven or not.

    What matters is that there are plenty of ways to go out with friends, drink, and have fun without getting THAT wasted. You should be furious at him and he should be furious at you.

    It's good to hear you haven't drank since. I think both of you should forgive each other and make an agreement with each other to never get that drunk again.

  19. J says:

    Tough one… If I were in your shoes, I would probably break up with him immediately. However, if I'd been the blackout-drunk-on-top-of-someone party in this mess, I'd be pleading temporary insanity and begging for forgiveness.

    I like the idea in other comments that you give him the "alcohol or me" ultimatum. If it happened once, it'll happen again. If he loves you, he'll do the responsible thing and keep you both out of this situation in the future. Good luck!

  20. Megan says:

    If it happened once, it'll happen again. I hate to say this, but what if something like this has happened before? Which really sucks to think about, but it needs to be taken into consideration.

  21. Ryan says:

    Ricochet, take it easy on the judging. I get blackout every now and then, not every week but maybe once a month, and I'm in a PhD program. Life is about maintaining balance, and if the couple in question can't stay balanced while drinking so much, then yeah maybe they should stop. But don't make drinking a scapegoat.

    And if my gf did this to me, we'd be done instantly. I would never tolerate being with someone who hit me in anger.

  22. Jaleesa says:

    Wow. I'm not even sure where to start. I'm sorry first of all about the whole situation! I honestly don't know what I would have done your shoes. Sober-wise, I'm sure I would have just broken up with him on the spot and held the mother of all grudges for a very, very long time. Not to say we wouldn't have tried to work things out, but it would have taken a while for me to be able to even stomach looking at him. Throw in alcohol and who knows!

    The one thing I have a problem with though is why the need to drink so much?? I never understand why so many of us college kids think we have to drink to the point of blacking out and wishing for the death the next morning just to have a good time? What is really accomplished except problems like this one? Honestly, I tend to think people who drink this much have an underlying issue. I don't know you, so I can't speak for either you or your boyfriend, but maybe you guys should really sit down and think about why you do what you do. I'm not saying don't ever drink, but just know your limits! Good luck.

  23. Erin says:

    As you said "not my finest moment". I'm not going to judge you because I think in most circumstances with heavy drinking we are no longer thinking straight and rational thought has usually left us by a certain point. I would probably had done the same thing you did, gotten violent, although not cool, I can be a little hot tempered at times and I could see myself losing it over something this awful as your partner cheating on you.

    While breaking up with him is an option I suggest you take a break for a while. No drinking! don't break up, maybe you could move out, keep an open connection with him and if you still want to be together go for it. I don't mean to get all Dear Abby on you two but I think maybe a couple trips to the AA might help put drinking in perspective for the BOTH of you, to help insure you don't ever end up in a situation like this again. I hope you figure something out.

  24. katya says:

    the people that suggest the breakup sound like they've never been blackout drunk.

    this happened to my friend and her boyfriend, and they're still together. its one of those situations that primarily depends on the participants- the girl that was on top of him was pushing hard for the two of them to hook up and took advantage of the situation.

    keep talking to your boyfriend and just be positive that you're still comfortable with him, but don't compromise yourself.

    drinking is a part of the college lifestyle while it can cause a lot of problems, it is a part of life.

  25. Kelly - University o says:


    I am not a lush. I'm not in college to waste my life away. I'm studying journalism, one of the hardest programs to get into at my school, have had multiple internships, and a part-time job. My boyfriend has a 4.0 and is going to law school. It was one night. Please don't be so quick to judge.

  26. Lindy says:

    I don't think the main here is alcohol, it's trust. As sad as it is, I don't think that I would be able to trust him again. Without trust, you can never have a healthy relationship.

  27. emily says:

    First of all, I would have been gone in a sec, no matter how drunk I've gotten I have still had my boyfriend on the mind-no other guy.

    Second of all, why is everyone acting like these two have a drinking problem? This doesn't happen every weekend- if it's left to weekends then it's pretty typical college life.

  28. Stacey says:

    It sounds like this situation got out of control, which can be quite common when excessive drinking is involved. I truly believe that people make mistakes and most people (and yes, that includes men) deserve second chances. However, despite the fact that drinking was the culprit for unacceptable behavior, it is NEVER an excuse for hurting the ones you love and blacking out is not an excuse for cheating. I agree with many of those who commented on the fact that he should try to drink less in order to gain your trust.

    I have been in a similar situation as you before. My boyfriend cheated on me and blamed it on being stupidly drunk. He also would not curb his drinking habits in an attempt to become a responsible boyfriend. Essentially, he chose alcohol over me. I hope your boyfriend is more responsible and caring than that and realizes than when people fuck up trust, they need to take strides and make efforts and changes to gain that trust back. Furthermore, have you asked him if you had hypothetically cheated on him, would alcohol justify as a valid excuse?

  29. steph says:

    First of all-I just want to say that I find it hilarious that an article about making mistakes while blacked out was written by someone who attends the University of Iowa which just so happens to be my school as well. it goes without saying that the title sums up 99.9% of the lives of Iowa students basically every weekend. seriously, i can relate to this article and it hits close to home in more ways than one. while i have not been cheated on i have had someone in my life (not officially a boyfriend) do & say some hurtful things while blacked out. i know in your case its a totally different guy and situation but i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. in my opinion- hear him out, see what he has to say, and if he offers a genuine apology. then wait and see if he backs it up with his actions. if he doesn't, then you would be justified (in my opinion) in calling it quits.

    with that being said- i do believe people can change. i've seen it happen. :) i wish you luck!

  30. ajeanw says:

    um you can't blame him for what he did just like you can't blame your friend for puking on your shoes?? These are completely DIFFERENT situations. Almost cheating on you (and he would have cheated had you not yanked him off) is not the same as ruining a pair of shoes. Shoes are not an affront to your dignitiy. Ruining shoes does not show disrespect. Having sex (or almost having sex) does! I thinkt that once someone cheats it's because they don't respect the other person that much-so teach him to respect you by walking the hell away from him!

  31. ajeanw says:

    Also: You got black out drunk and thought to look for him but he didn't do the same thing. I'm sorry you're in this situation. And I didn't read the part about you living with him. Now that I have, I understand how hard breaking up with him would be-since you would have to find a new apartment. I can only say that I hope the best for you, but please consider breaking up with him. Cheating is never acceptable and people always have control (even if they're black out drunk-he was still able to climb on that bed and take his pants off wasn't he?)

  32. mollination says:

    This article couldn’t have come at a better time : From someone who has had this happened to them, and NOT dumped the boyfriend, let me tell you the pro’s and con’s of that decision.

    My boyfriend’s incident wasn’t quite so bad, but we also haven’t been dating as long as you and your bf. It happpened on New Year’s – the part that makes it worse, is that while my bf didn’t PHYSICALLY cheat, he said something almost unforgiveable. He kept dancing with/paying attention to the same girl all night. In the background of every single picture taken, there he is with her staring down at her like she’s a piece of hotter-than-me-meat. He mentioned something about her copping a feel on his friend, and I said “So she probably did it to you then too, yeah?” And he said “yeah I think so.” And, this part is partly my fault for baiting him, but I go “Sounds like you like your little friend” and he just stared at me and kind of half-smirked. Wrong answer bud. He knew I was a little peeved, and I went to the bathroom. I come out five seconds later and he’s RIGHT back on her ass. Unbelievable. I looked at him from across the room, shook my head, and went to call a cab. He immediately ran to apolgoze, which makes me even more pissed because he knew what he was doing would make me upset.

    The part that makes me mad was the non-refusal of “liking” her. I tried to talk to him about it the next day and he claims he remembers almost nothing. Come to find later when he mentions little things about “New Years” that he has selective-blackout. And that he has also met his little friend before which he told me couldn’t even remember her name. Whatever. I stayed with him.

    The aftermath? We’re fine…we’re happy. We’ve even seen her again. And do you know what happens? I get a sickening pit in my stomach every time I hear him mention her name, I get suspicious and jealous when I’m out of town and hear he’s hanging out with people that know her because I assume she’s there, and I would absolutely NOT trust him to go out and drink with her without me. I get sick feeling just writing this. It will never be the same again, and until I have more experiences to point to that prove to me this WAS a fluke, and WON’T happen again – I don’t even feel like it’s possible for me to really know him.

    The difference is that you have 2 years of experiences with your bf to show you that this time was a fluke….so you decide. Has it changed your trust? Can you get it out of your head? And if your boyfriend was going to a party (and drinking obvs) and you knew she was gonna be there, what would you feel/think?

  33. Ria says:

    I understand your reaction to the situation. A similar thing happened to me with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years at a friend of mines party. Being one of the only guys there and definitely the most attractive he was acting up and showing off in the typical guy 'see how much I can drink' way and before I knew it, was wasted drunk. The night ended with him getting black out drunk; i had to practically carry him home (no easy feat, he's a rugby player) while he was repeatedly sick on me and passed out on the floor multiple times, and as you mentioned, evoked a fit of rage I never knew I was capable of, when he fell and blacked out for the 3rd time as I tried to take him home, I lost it, and covered in his sick i hit him to wake up.

    The part that hurt me the most wasn't that he was drunk/sick etc but more how he was acting as the night had began. The drunker he got, the more flirtatious he became with the other girls (the worst being when he sat stroking this girls leg while i sat on the other side of him- eventually I had to remove it) ; and as we'd only recently started being long distance I feared that he was like this always when I wasn't around.

    The way I decided weather I should leave him or not was by looking at the past. Never before in our 5 years of knowing each other had he got 'black out drunk'- in fact, he'd previously only really got tipsy a handful of times. He'd always been in control and aware of his limit; and I think thats a point that many people have raised. And genuinely, asides standard 'is she prettier then me?' paranoia, i'd never felt that he'd cheat on me.

    I think its safe to say that any of us, if we got to that point of extreme black out drunk would not have any awareness of what was going on and therefore our actions- the point is that he let himself get to that point. If he can control himself then it sounds like this was a one off- although personally, I don't know if i'd be able to be intimate with my boyfriend knowing he'd been naked on top of someone else (even if nothing had happened). I'd always have the fear of what would have happened had I not walked in and stopped it.


  34. lauren says:

    I don’t consider myself a relationship expert by any means, but here are some thoughts:

    In general, I don’t give people a free pass for things they do while drunk (unless they get roofied or something). We are adults, we should know our limits, and if we allow ourselves to get blackout drunk, then we are totally responsible for anything we do/say/puke on/hump.

    That being said, people make mistakes. The important thing is how they address and correct their mistakes. I think the biggest indicator of whether or not you should stay together is how your boyfriend acts after the situation. Is he apologetic? Did he take responsibility and own up to his actions (reaching the point of blackout drunkenness AND nakedly mounting some other chick)? Has he resolved to change? Is he open to the idea of abstaining from alcohol for awhile? Also, is he true to his word? If he’s like some men, he will immediately beg for forgiveness, but fall off the wagon after a couple of months. Too many times I have seen a man do whatever he can to keep his gal, then once he’s been granted forgiveness, he gets lazy and goes right back to destructive actions/patterns.

    So – if you are comfortable with it- give him some time to prove to you that he will not get drunk to the point of hurting you again. And, if you are going to forgive him, really forgive him. Well – first make sure that he has appropriately asked for forgiveness! If he’s not remorseful, then there’s nothing really to dispute. But if he has apologized and asked for forgiveness, think about what that forgiveness means. It’s essentially saying “I don’t agree with or condone your behavior, but I accept that you did this to me, I accept your apology, and I believe that you will do better next time.” Also, you cannot forgive him now but then bring up this incident repeatedly in the future. It’s not ammunition for a future fight, or a bargaining chip you can use to get your way next time.

    I’m not even going to comment on your arrest. Honestly, if I saw my boyfriend sans pants on top of another woman, I’d be getting hauled away in a cop car, too. So I can’t judge!

    Good luck. You’re right – nothing is black and white. Especially with your long history. It’s going to be tough but I believe you can work through this and find the solution that works best for you.

  35. Jameel says:

    It all depends upon the love and relation ship they share among them selves.

  36. nikki says:


    I understand that it must be so hard for you. You might be feeling all entangled.

    You know your guy the most. More that any of us. So, just think … would he do such sort of a thing to you when conscious?

    Before this incident … were you really happy with him ?

    Has he been always honest to you ?

    See, like many above … I guess the 1st reaction is – "I would have dumped him". I mean … I totally get that. It's TOO hard to think of your loved one with someone else, in that particular state. It's harder, almost unimaginable to think what "could've" happen.

    But the truth is … and we all know … that for a fact alcohol CAN have a very, very stern effect. Like you already described … he was totally out.

    I believe, if you think that you SHOULD give him a second chance because of that fact and because of the honesty and trust in you relation. You should. You shouldn't let go of something so precious to you … because and "induced state of affairs".

    How does he feel about it ?

    Maybe it's just time to forgive and understand the flipside o drinking – drinking that much.

    ALL the best gurl.

    Be wise.

  37. Fyndy says:

    I don't condone violence, drunk or not.

    I myself if aggravated, tended to become a violent (but not to the point of arrest) drunk. It has scared me so much I only have a couple drinks here and there. I had a "fragmented" black out before after my 4'11" ass thought it could drink half a 40 of wiskey straight. Yeah. Not cool. Thank the gods I was home with only slightly drunk people who took care of my ass after I had a complete emotional break down.


    Alcohol primarily interferes with the ability to form new long–term memories, leaving intact previously established long–term memories and the ability to keep new information active in memory for brief periods. As the amount of alcohol consumed increases, so does the magnitude of the memory impairments. Large amounts of alcohol, particularly if consumed rapidly, can produce partial (i.e., fragmentary) or complete (i.e., en bloc) blackouts, which are periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking. Blackouts are much more common among social drinkers—including college drinkers—than was previously assumed, and have been found to encompass events ranging from conversations to intercourse. Mechanisms underlying alcohol–induced memory impairments include disruption of activity in the hippocampus, a brain region that plays a central role in the formation of new auotbiographical memories.-the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism:

    So while I think you should both think long and hard about why you drink so much to the point of having "blackouts" I also beleive that you should forgive EACH OTHER and move on.

    Please, don't get that drunk again. Because next time you never know what will happen. Maybe next time you won't be so lucky to get home.

  38. […] Black Out Mistakes: Should They be Forgiven? [CollegeCandy] […]

  39. Critter says:

    Hmmm… Your boyfriend made the choice to consume that much alcohol, being drunk is not an excuse for his situation no more than it would be if he had gotten into a car and killed someone driving drunk. If you choose to consume that much alcohol, you should except responsibility for those actions. That being said, its up to you, if he's going to continuously use that as an excuse in the future, he's got a problem.

  40. Star says:

    I'm sure that whatever I say has already been said in the comments so I'll make it short. I think you should both cut down on how much you drink and work this out together. You both made terrible choices and alcohol fueled them.

    That being said, it's a scary thing that he tried to have sex with someone else while drunk and also scary that you were angry enough to physically harm him. When you're drunk you don't realize exactly what you're doing. You could have sent him to the hospital or seriously injured him, or even killed him without realizing it. What if you'd shoved him down a flight of stairs? Accidents happen a lot more when people are drunk.

    I'm not saying this as blame or to guilt trip you, I just think cutting down on the alcohol is the best thing for both of you to help move on from this situation. I'm not saying to stop drinking, just don't get so wasted. Your relationship and body will thank you, and hopefully you'll never run into problems this serious in your relationship again. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

  41. Annie says:

    Last year my boyfriend basically did this to me. The differences include pre-existing problems, we attended different schools (in different states!) and no one walked in on them on time. I was devastated (my roommates had to pull me out of the shower after being in there for three hours, I wouldn't talk to my family and I didn't eat for two weeks) but I decided to stay with him, after all, he was just drunk, right? Thinking about it physically hurt me, I became obsessively jealous and found myself trying to blame it all on that slut from Arizona who took advantage of him but I was determined to stay with him. In the end, we broke up in a way that hurt even more than if I had just listened to what I was feeling. Looking back, it wasn't love for him that was motivating me to fight for our relationship, it was a part of me that thought that I wasn't good enough and that no one else would ever like me. And that was the WRONG reason.

    I really hope that, like Ria or mollination, you can use this mistake to create a better relationship than the one you had before. But it comes down to this, how do you feel? If you love him, acknowledge that this happened but let it go completely. You can't move on if every time there is that part of you that worries it will happen again. If you think that's unreasonable, dump him and look for someone who will come to you when he's feeling drunk and horny.

  42. Vanessa says:

    He may have been blacked out, but what if this happens again? If it did and he were to have sex with another girl, would that, too, be forgivable? I don't think being blacked out is a good thing. If you're getting that drunk, you never know what shitty decisions you'll make, and you're making the decision to put yourself in one of those situations because you chose to get that drunk in the first place. It's irresponsible. It's childish.

  43. criolle johnny says:

    Are you looking in the wrong direction? Who got arrested for D/V?

    Reverse the genders and what would this article be titled? It wouldn't have anything to do with "blackout drinking", but would be an article about "Violence Against Women"!

    YOU are involved with someone who drinks too much and YOU are the one arrested for anger issues. Perhaps YOU need to look at yourself and see if YOU are ready for a relationship.

    Then you can work on "fixing" him.

    I wish you luck.

    Waiting for hate comments …

    criolle johnny

  44. […] now it’s Friday, baby! Get out there and enjoy it – just be careful. You are accountable for what you do, even if you don’t remember […]

  45. Kat says:

    No way, I'm totally with you, Criolle Johnny.

    Maybe you guys need to start going to AA? And, I hate to bring this up, but how do you know this hasn't happened before? Jesus, you could have AIDS and not even know it. If you guys were talking marriage, how proud a moment would it be if 5 years from now some random woman appears and, hey, he knocked her up but can't remember it? What are you going to do: tell the kid s/he doesn't exist because your bf was 'black out drunk'?

    If you made the decision to drink, you took the responsibility for ALL your actions thereafter when you took the first sip (unless someone is spiking your punch). There's this thing called personal responsibility, and alcohol doesn't erase it or make it go away. Your actions still have consequences. Babies, STDs, or in your case: criminal convictions. You were ARRESTED for DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. You need to examine yourself before you start working on someone else.

  46. Kelly - University o says:


    I know what I did was stupid. I DON'T have anger issues.

    I saw my boyfriend with another girl and I punched him. It is not something I do regularly. I've never hit anyone before and never thought I was capable of doing that.

    Calm the eff down everyone.

    He has forgiven me for what I did and thinks its nothing in comparison to what he did to me.

    No one is giving Tiger Wood's wife shit for going after him with a golf club.

    He has not done this before, I do not have AIDs, and there are no illegitimate children running around.

  47. Tawana says:

    what a dangerous situation. FIRSTLY: your so called boyfriend cant change unless HE wants you…dont be one of those girls who thinks she can stay with the guy long enough until he changes. SECOND, if always gets this drunk and at the same time talks to you about marriage, then he is living in a parallel world because hunny, there will be no successful marriage with that behaviour. THIRD, you need to think HARD and clear about what YOU want, dont even THINK about his feelings right now but just think about the type of guy you want…..the fact that you mentioned that he gets drunk like this is a BIGGGG RED FLAG. if it was only the first time then maybe..but either way it was all wrong..everything that went down. honestly if i were you, i'd break up with him.

  48. Katie says:

    Alcohol? Really? You need to find a new substance. I've never witnessed any violence occurring when MJ was present, but the things I have seen people do when they are drunk…

    Put down the bottle and pick up a blunt.

  49. Star says:

    Technically some people are giving Tiger Wood's wife a hard time for what she did, but I agree that you and your boyfriend reacted in ways that are not typical of your personalities. However, jumping in to rant that "I DON'T have anger issues" probably won't convince any of the posters who suggested that you did that they're wrong. Don't let the comments get to you.

    Take a deep breath and understand that when you post a personal story like this on a blog you're going to get a lot of different reactions so you should be prepared for them before you share such a personal tale. I don't mean this as a personal attack because this is a hard time for you, but when you open up your personal problems like this don't expect lots of flowery comments. If they upset you then you might want to reconsider what you post in the future.

  50. Amy says:

    I feel for ya girl. Same thing happened to me with my boyfriend of 3 years. Though I used my voice instead of my fists to express my anger. But I was sober and lord only knows what I would have done if I had been drinking.

    What I can say from my experience is to not let others opinions color your feelings on where to go from here. No one but you two know all the details of your relationship and it is no one's place to judge you for whatever decision you make. No two people are the same and no relationships are ever identical so try to reflect on how you feel and not on how others think you should feel.

    SO what did I do? Well, I took a month to think things over. I was hurt big time like I'm sure you are right now. I needed to figure out if the relationship meant enough to me to salvage and if this was something I could work past. I told him in the meantime that I didnt want to see him drinking. If the relationship meant enough to him I wanted him to be sober and think about his intentions for a while. I asked him to write down everything he was feeling and what he was going to do to ensure that it never happened again. Having him put it on paper was good for the two of us. It took a lot of work but we got through it. He decided that he didnt like who he was turning into when he drank that much and decided to cut out hard alcohol and we worked out ways for me to tell him when I thought he needed to slow down without making me look like his babysitter.

    I'm happy to say that we are still together and this experience helped us both to grow. As shitty as it was, this experience was a wake up call for him to realize that the drinking brought out a very negative side of him. We have both since graduated from college and both have great jobs. We like to go out and party still he's always careful not to over do it. Because for as hurt as I was, it was compounded tenfold for him to have been the one who hurt me that bad.

    Sorry for this being so long, didn't intend it to but I wanted to share my experience because after reading some of the other comments it seems people are very quick to judge and point fingers. Bottome line is it's your relationship and only you can decide what's the best thing for your future. Good luck!

  51. criolle johnny says:


    "I didnt want to see HIM drinking. If the relationship meant enough to HIM I wanted him to be sober and think about HIS intentions for a while. I asked HIM to write down everything HE was feeling and what HE was going to do to ensure that it never happened again. Having HIM put it on paper"

    … What, ahem, did YOU do?

  52. Casey says:

    Criolle, Amy said she was sober when her situation happened. So she didn't need to do anything.

  53. Kelly - University o says:

    Seriously guys, thanks for all of the responses!

    It's been over 3 weeks now since it happened and its finally starting to get better. By better I mean, there were more bad days than good, then there were equal, and now there are more good than bad.

    Against most of the commenters suggestions, I have not broken up with him. But we did take a serious break.

    I told him what you guys suggested: it's either alcohol or me. And he's chosen me; he hasn't drank once since it happened. Its even harder because his big 2-1 is next week.

    A lot of your responses have made me doubt my relationship with him and a lot of your responses have made me believe it was just a one time mistake. Believe me, I've talk to him about both of this ideas. So far, its been civil. It's not back to normal yet, but if he continues on the great path he's on, then it can.

    Again, thank you everyone for being brutally honest when I needed it :)

  54. casey says:

    even if he doesnt remember it, its still cheating. when you are drunk, even blacked out drunk, you still know what you are doing at the time. and at the time your boyfriend wanted to have sex with another girl, not you. how can you be with someone who would get blacked out drunk and have sex with other girls. it almost happened once, you dont think its going to happen again? it will.

  55. Jordan says:

    Speaking from a third party's point of view. First of all I have been in a similar situation. Me being the black out drunk moron. I worked at a bar with my ex (its a summer resort so we broke it off the previous summer). We were friends the next summer and I gave full disclosure to my new girlfriend. I had loved her very much and cared nothing for my ex.

    Three weeks from my last night at work a friend told me that I had made out with my ex. It was my last night and I had it off. So I drank and partied with my bar friends before I went back to school for September. When my friend finally told me that I made out with the ex, I was shocked and disgusted with myself. I told everything to my girlfriend and to my relief she forgave me. That was 4 years ago and we are still very much in love. She has never used it against me, and I in turn have never been black out drunk EVER again.

    I know that my situation is different, but what is not different is that he was blacked out. If he still loves you and gives up drinking so much that he can't remember shit, then take his sorry ass back. You obviously are torn because if he was a dick, then this post would have never happened. In a legal sense he is guilty… if he were to get into a car and kill someone then he would go to jail. But this is love and is confusing as shit. Having stated all that crap it really comes down to one thing. Can you forgive him. If you can forgive him and never use it against him….EVER (except if he starts to drink too much again), then you go for it. If you cannot truly forgive him for his slip up then don't drag a ruined relationship on for longer than it needs to.

    By the way .34 BAC. Good Job.

  56. Daz says:

    He should be dumped. You should be in jail.

  57. asiont says:

    for me the situation is not that clear as for the great majority of people here – I was once the other side. I mean that I was at a party with my friends from the university (my boyfriend wasn't there) and we were celebrating the end of a term. I got drunk and for the first time I had a blackout and I was making up with one of my friends (I know that from other people, I dont remember anything after several shots of vodka). I was shocked, I would never do it sober. because of that night I havent gotten drunk for almost a year, now I' m just afraid of what I could do the next time.

    I'm still with my boyfriend but he has no idea of the whole thing. I decided not to tell him because I wasnt myself that night and it could ruin our relationship

  58. lisa says:

    If he constantly gets blackout drunk, as you say, then what makes you think this hasn't happened before? If he can't be responsible while drinking (and clearly he's not), then that's a huge red flag and a definite problem. Yes, he absolutely should be held accountable. He should know that, since he behaves in such a way that will lead to betrayal, that he SHOULDN'T GET SO DRUNK.

    And what about the girl beneath him? Was she "blackout" drunk, too? If so, he's extremely lucky she's not pressing charges, because sleeping with a girl "blackout drunk," even if he was too, is considered assault. She cannot legally give consent. I don't care if people don't believe in this definition of rape, because the law says that it is. Personal beliefs aside, he could have raped her, according to the law.

    Another point to make: Getting blackout drunk every time you drink is considered having an alcohol problem. If he drinks often, then he would absolutely be considered an alcoholic by the standards of which experts define one. Just some food for thought.

    This is a lot more serious than "OMG DID MY BOYFRIEND CHEAT ON ME!?" and it scares me that neither of you seem to understand that.

  59. criolle johnny says:

    You NAILED it Lisa! Was the other girl blackout drunk? Getting blackout drunk, getting arrested for CDV are ALL more important than OMGDMBCOM.

    For the record, you said it better than I did.

    I do question … he's blackout drunk but still held accountable. She's blackout drunk, but not held accountable. Is this the definition of equality?

  60. bob says:

    i love how people only care about the fact that he cheated and they just graze over the fact that shit hit him. If it was the other way around all the comments would be about the guy hitting the girl and how wrong it is.

  61. […] College BlogHomePrivacy PolicyAbout UsCandy Dish: Mmmm Prince Harry : College CandyWhat’s Hot Blackout Mistakes: Should They be Forgiven?“What happened last night?” Ahh, the blackout. […]

  62. Janice McCoud says:

    It sounds like you are mulling over weather or not you should break up with this guy. The better question is "why am I drinking and do I want to be in any relationship where heavy drinking is involved?" And be sure to get tested for any STD's your doctor recommends as well as HIV. From the sounds of it, seems like this isn't the first time this has happened. Congrats on your new police record, should pave the way for losing out on potential good job opportunities as well as becoming a certified second class citizen. Thanks for wasting my time and my tax dollars!

  63. Scarlett says:

    You CAN rebuild. Many couples who are as serious as you guys are have done so successfully. The fact that you are trying to forgive and find a justification is positive. But don't forget that he did still cheat. So it's perfectly fair for you to want some kind of security, an assurance that this won't happen again.

    So I think maybe if you do forgive him, it might be time to insist on a change in behaviour. We all get blackout drunk, but we *don't* all cheat while blackout drunk. If he was horny, you were around.

    So while I see your point about how being that wasted causes stupid decision making, if his judgement when wasted is impaired to this level; the level where he forgets or stops caring that he's in a happy, loving, committed relationship, then maybe he should be cutting down, and I think you would be within your rights to ask that of him.

    And he can still get drunk, just maybe stop when he falls over for the first time =P

  64. […] few weeks ago, one CollegeCandy writer asked if blackout mistakes should be forgiven. In a similar vain, earlier this week, a Princeton student asked if we are responsible for our […]

  65. Star says:

    It's good to know you and your guy are working things out. I'm just curious, did you agree to stop drinking as well? I think it's only fair that if he has to give up alcohol you should too, at least for a little while so he won't feel so alone in this.

  66. ivebeenthere says:

    I have been exactly where your boyfriend was. A week ago, I went to a party– I remember doing shots, and then– nothing. I wake up in the morning without my clothes and my body hurting like mad. I questioned my flatmate about this and apparently me and some guy hooked up– I love my boyfriend very much, I wasn't attracted to him, I wasn't flirting with him in the evening (the part I remember) and he wasn't interested in me either (he did spend the first half of the evening discussing some girl he is madly in love with). But, apparently we did have sex and I cant remember it. Nothing.

    Alcohol impairs judgment. Period. Now its a little extreme to say "never ever drink again", because, let's face it- alcohol can be delicious and always makes parties more fun! It is a FACT that black-outs are not caused by the QUANTITY of alcohol, but by the rapidity in which your BAC increases.

    Conclusion: Stop binge-drinking or drinking too fast (unless you're among trustworthy company who will ensure you don't do stupid things) and don't drink on an empty stomach. Learn to slow down and savour your drinks. Black outs ARE NOT a sign of alcoholism. I know how it can get– when you're among friends and the shots starts. Everybody has been there, at some point or other.

    I for one, will never drink at such a manic phase again. My boyfriend is still with me, he knows I am sorry and that I'm not alcohol-dependent. Mistakes happen: if our roles had been reversed, I don't think I would've forgiven him. But now that I've seen this side of the fence, occasional slip ups do happen apparently. So do sit him down and talk and ensure that this isn't the symptom of any other problem you guys might have.

  67. ivebeenthere says:

    Sorry, my post isn't very clear: what I meant was, Even though I love my boyfriend very much, me and this random guy hooked up and I wasn't even attracted to him. At all. And he wasn't flirting back with me either (what part of the night I can recall).

  68. confusedaswell says:

    I've been there. I mean… this literally happened to me just few days ago! Only situation is alot different.

    Basically my bf gets pressure from his workplace, social pressure as he try to build a close bond with the bosses and the managers. So he got drunk (as from his workplace, drinking was like… the way for them to socialize), and manage to drive himself home and experience the blackout moment from there.

    He had typed a message to a girl that he dated for 4 months before me, but she was in Germany, I had accidentally found it and read it only once, and i got so shocked i still remember the words:

    "Oh god I am so drunk, yet even when I'm drunk I still think of you. It's been more than half year and I miss you so, so much. Oh why is god treating me like this? I have a current girlfriend yet I realize that the person I want to love forever is no longer possible to meet with each other. I want to be rich, so that I can see you. I believe I can be rich again so in the future I will have money to go and see you in Germany…"

    (At that time i found out, my bf was at work)

    My whole body shook. I couldn't stop shaking.

    In the end, I wrote an offline message to the girl:

    "I am the current girlfriend that he is talking about. But now I see the answer is clear. You can have him. He's all yours".

    Long story short: He begged me to come back to him, he told me he have no memory of writing that at all and that it didn't sound like him. To please believe him that I'm the one he wants to be with and he has no plans whatsoever to even go to Germany. And that if i'm not the one then why would he introduce his best friends to me…

    In the end, the Q remains… Whether he wrote those words were truly expressed from his heart?

  69. AJ says:

    OH MY GOD, I AM SO, SO SORRY. I don't know how you got through this. The thought of that happening to me, or even me doing this to my bf, makes me nauseous and light-headed already.

    Honestly, I don't think he deserves to be forgive. He deserves another chance to earn back your trust though – and that includes never, never, NEVER getting that drunk again.

    I've blacked out before too, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Would it be forgivable if he had shot someone while blacked out? What about hurt you physically? We'd like to think we're so committed and this person loves us so much that never in a million years, would they ever, even subconsciously or unconsciously, hurt us. This is such a tough situation.

    A friend of my sister is married to an alcoholic, she said that being in love with someone who can be a different person when he's drunk is so challenging that it nearly breaks her every day. That love isn't simple, that sometimes love isn't enough when you've had your heart crushed. The lesson I took from that is in their 7 years together, he's not going to ultimately choose her over drinking, even though she's the light of his life. Your boyfriend needs to never drink like that again in order to avoid putting himself in a position where he could accidentally hurt you again.

  70. Anon says:

    I'm really feeling your dilemma – but as one who has blacked out and been less than courteous (aka a bitch)I meant what I said at the time based on what I felt in a sober state.

  71. ashley says:

    I felt sick in my stomach reading this. My boyfriend is going off to college next year and, although I hardly talk to him about this, I am scared to death of stuff like this happening. I love him more than anything in the world and he loves me back. If I was put in your situation I would not break up with him. If you love him as much as I love my boyfriend you'll accept what he has done and have him try his hardest to make it up to you… alcohol makes people do ridiculous things that they wouldn't normally do :( I'm sure he loves you and wants to make it uo to you in any way that he can. I am so sorry this happened to you though :'( I can't even imagine going through something as horrible as that… I hope this helped. Hang in there :)

  72. Zara says:

    My partner and I have a similar relationship/history. If this ever happened, I don't think I'd ever be able to get over the image in my head, and the fact I witnessed it. I would have to dump him, because I couldn't ever look at him the same way again. I would be beyond hurt that he threw away a solid relationship for an alcohol induced one night stand. Remember the fact that he WOULD have gone on and screwed her, HAD YOU NOT FOUND HIM.

    I couldn't ever feel right around him. I feel pained just reading this article, and imagining what thats like. If were him, I'd try 200% to make it up to you. He should be treating you like a queen right now for that horrific display of cheating.

    Personally, I would just dump his ass and find someone who can drink responsibly.

  73. Heather says:

    If your boyfriend promises to never ever do what he did ever again and he makes efforts to ensure that this sort of thing will not happen again (for example, deciding not to drink alcohol anymore), then I say forgive him and go forward together if you truly love this person. Forgiveness is difficult, trust me I know, but your relationship could actually grow stronger because of something like this. Best of luck to you both.

  74. kelly says:

    My boyfriend did something horrible behind my back sober. When I am sober I have forgiven him. I love him. We have been together nearly 3 years. We live together, and we talk about getting married. But as soon as I get black out drunk I kick his ass. I bring up all the bad things he's done to me (like 3 seperate occasions) and I will swing at him, curse at him, tell him its over. He will usually fight me back. We will wake up with bruises and scratches. We will have sex in the morning and act like it didn't happen. But this happens when I drink. I am over it and I'm confident, and I love him when I'm sober. As soon as I have to much I want hurt him the way he hurt me. It's horrible. This last time was the worst. After we attacked each other (verbally and physically)he locked me out of the house in a storm with no shoes, no bra, no phone, in my pj's for 2 hours. i have bug bites all over my feet. I am sick from being left in the rain. And the worst part is.. I think I deserve it because I was black out drunk, psycho, trying to beat him up because of some other chick a year ago.

    Get out while you can.

  75. JHIGH420 says:

    It sounds to me like both of you have a serious problem with alcohol. What he did is not nearly as serious as how you reacted to it. what if in a drunken rage you ended up killing him? Read the newspaper people die all the time in their "blackouts." You say you have blackouts as well, so the real question is when is the drinking going to stop?

    Of course you should leave your boyfriend alone, unless both of you can make a decision to leave alcohol alone altogether, together. It's time to grow up.

  76. lorr says:

    My boyfriend two nights ago was at the bar and while I was sleeping at home because I had to go to work, took home his best friends girlfriend, both totally drunk to bed! He was half dressed and says he does not remember anything. I call bullshit and have dumped him. He does get very drunk to that degree sometimes, but there is no excuse for this. He is constantly crying about how sorry he is for his stupid drunken mistake. I will never go back to him, but this is very painful because we have been dating for two years and I have never had this happen before. He still says he does not remember anything! Convenient or what?

  77. alcohol abuse is also deadly if you are not able to treat it at the right time *:;

  78. nick says:


    You're explanation wasn't so concise; but I'll attempt to be.

    Alcohol is a drug. It's just as bad as the ones we (Americans) are not permitted to buy.

    Leave your BF.

    "Blackouts" are seemingly coherent, at the time. Even YOU blew a .34, and then had the wherewithal to cuss your previously naked BF our.

    You're much too concerned with your relationship. Leave him, and get better…. ON YOUR OWN.


  79. Pine Desk  says:

    alcholo abuse on the long run is very dangerous and can kill you~.`

  80. Bill says:

    crazy as it seems , Ive seen my brother and sister in law when

    blackedout. then 2yrs ago my wife blackedout while we were drinking at a bar. me and my wife were approached by 2 black guys that thought they knew my wife 'right'they got her drinks and she flirted with them. I didnt think she was blackedout and I tried to cut her off from having anymore drinks but she got mad, we argued but a bouncer came over and told us to leave but then with the help of those 2 blkguys I was escorted to the door.soon after that I was in jail. I got out later but my wife wasnt home. she went and partied w/those guys and got fucked. I was her only partner before then and now shes changed

    and shes gone out and hasnt come home at nights when shes gone out drinking

    .thing that gets me is she doesnt remember anything that happened that night hard to believe

  81. Jhon Doe says:

    You can't blame him for what he did, the gay that was naked with some girl wasn't your boyfriend, is that simple, I had suffered only one blackout on my life, I was on a bar everything was fine till the cops closed the bar (some girl had drugs) so we went to another, after that I just remember waking up in my bed the day after, I don't remember anything and when I asked to my partner what happened he told me that in the other bar I wasn't me, I was acting different and the worst part is that I was making out with another guy till he realized of it and took me home, and I can't stop wondering how far that make out could get if my friend hadn't stopped me, I'm a straight guy so knowing this was a nightmare, and I can't even remember it, the only advice here is to take it easy when drinking and always have someone of thrust at your side

  82. Jhon Doe says:

    Sorry, I wrote gay and it was guy, hahahahahhaa

  83. of course alcohol abuse is very dangerous to the health, it can cause cirrhosis and other bad effects ~

  84. […] might (MIGHT) have had some sympathy for you if it had happened once in a drunken fit and you had really never done it again. HOWEVER, what actually happened is, while your flooping […]

  85. Mary says:

    —I forgot to mention that the scenario was unrelated to the starting thread. It is just a general question about this overall scenario

  86. […] would show no interest in her because of her personal interests explored on her blog (such as hung-over day after snap shots and mojito cupcakes), Emily wrote: “You’ll probably learn more about me from […]

  87. Dee says:

    I stumbled across this because I'm searching to the answers to a similar situation, except I'M the asshole. Last weekend I was partying with some friends at my ex-boyfriend's house; my current boyfriend had to work the next day and so was at home. I was getting sleepy so one of my friends convinced me to start drinking, which I hadn't been doing yet. I had also taken my anti-anxiety meds which make me even more sleepy. All I know is, my drinking picked up momentum until I was chugging from bottles of liquor. Then I have a memory of drinking, and the next memory I have is going to bed peacefully in my ex's bed. Him already asleep, me taking his bed because it was the only place left to sleep.

    Oh, god. The next day I was told that I began crying for hours, just bawling my eyes out. I punched my ex in the face and I also made out with his roommate. I thought that was pretty bad enough; but I just found out as of yesterday that my ex had sex with me. I genuinely don't remember this and when he finally told me I was so upset and I was crying so hard I was puking. Now I'm waiting to tell my boyfriend – who I love dearly, who I plan on marrying someday, who is my soulmate and the most perfect person I've ever met – that I had sex with my ex while blacked out.

    All I can say, is EFF OFF to the people who think that people who are blacked out are still coherent and capable of making decisions. It was literally like I was NEVER even there. I'm devastated by my actions and all I can do is pray that my man loves me enough to forgive my terrible, terrible mistake. So in your case, I would get around to forgiving your boyfriend. It might take some time, but if he would never cheat on you sober, then I doubt he knew what was going on.

  88. Flex says:

    I am on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication i am 30 and have been drinking since i have been 15, I have been having blackouts when I punch my boyfriend so i agreed to stop drinking till i was drunk. I had been so good lately and him and i had been enjoying two drinks each for quite a while and things were going well, my pschyatrist said this was good too. So I had done really well at school this day and decided that I would be safe having a bottle of wine. There was a backpacker on our couch and when I was blacked out he was in the shower and I went in and got in with him fully clothed, I dont know what exactly happed but it would have been sexually inappropriate im sure, I feel disgusting and sick and vow never to drink again. However I have lost my boyfriend over this and am so angry at myself and want him to forgive me if I can prove that I wont drink again, I would have never done it if i was sober.
    After he kicked me out our housemate told him I was a slut and that i ahd been trying to sleep with him (the housemate) for months and that he had kept rejecting me, and told him that I had fucked other dudes which is completely not true, but because of my actons he doesn't belive anything I say. I love him and I act like a person i dont know when i drink, will he ever forgive me?

  89. Michelle says:

    Best advice I've ever heard was actually from an old 80's sitcom (random, I know..) and i remember it to this day, something like, 'if you could completely erase this one incident from both your lives, would you still want to be with together?' and it's not really something you need to answer, just something food for thought. No judgment, I would have done the same thing. Thank you for sharing.

  90. michelle says:

    apologies for the typos in the above post

  91. chanelle says:

    I went out with my best friend for her bday before we left we drank a bottle of vodka i remember getting to the pub and that is it. I dont drink much and i didnt expect to black out or not remember a thing it wasnt my intention to write myself off. I woke up the next morning my fiance and our kids were at my friends house i started panicking cos i couldnt remember anything my friend was being really cold towards me i literally started having a all out panic attack anxiety the lot. My friend started telling me i was nearly raped and told this huge story i felt like shit. I later found out she lied about the whole thing and she came clean and told me i was making out with two guys was in the toilet with one of them. She told me this because i confronted her after someone else told me she was talking badly about me that night. The person that told me this said she didnt see me kissing anyone and the bar manger said the same. I dont know what to think im truly disgusted in myself and have bn punishing myself for it for months now and cant seem to move forward from it. my friend now hates me. i dont know what to do

  92. Isabel says:

    OK here is my sad story. When I met this guy i was drunk and he came over to introduce himself to me as we have friends in common. He is very tall and being tall myself he was a sight for sore eyes. Shortly after I spotted him chatting to a friend of mine. God knows what came over me but I went over and called him a whore (whatever the male equivalent is). We then coincided a week later, I apologised profusely and we started an intense friendship. He had just come out of a relationship and told me that he didn´t want to get involved with anybody. Yet he was so, attentive, constantly complimenting me that all my friends couldn´t believe that the relationship was platonic. As time went on I would sleep at his and he would ask me to cuddle him, etc yet never did things go further. I was now getting quite hooked on him but didn´t want to press him into anything until he was ready. I think my insecurity of why he wasn´t taking things further made me start to binge drink when we were together and recently I have had blackouts. He tells me my antics the next day but all in good humour. Recently he started frequenting a bar and mentioning what a nice person the owners is, a girl I know ( I am 10 years than him and she is 7 years younger). Recently he said to meet up at her bar for a few drinks as they were going out with some of her mates. I then ended up being with them for the night and came across them kissing. At the time, knowing that I had no right to react or get angry I turned and left. From then on I remember nothing except getting home. The next morning a get an furious message from he accompanied by a text that I sent her (word by word from his phone) calling her everything under the sun and him a whore (again). Also I have missed calls to him and her and a bruise on my wrist which looks horribly like someone grabbed me, or tried to hold me back?? He will not speak to me although I responded to his message saying that of course I had no right to act that way when we are not a couple. How can I recover the friendship? As it is obvious now that there is no sexual attraction from him to me, actually I want to get over this and keep him as a friend. Or was I just a comfort blanket for him until he found someone else so the friendship was never genuine anyway?

  93. ashley says:

    First off I want to say how sorry I am that this happened, I don’t wish this feeling on anyone. I got married at 18 & had a baby boy at 19 I’m 22 now wev been together since I was 16. A year ago me & my husband went to a party at a friends house I didn’t drink It was getting l8 so we decided to go home on the way he wanted to get more hurricane 40s so I let him. He got really drunk by the time I went to go to bed we went to go smoke outside & he was screaming fuck u to the neighbors wich no1 was outside so I said ok I love u good night. I woke up at 3am to get my 6 month old a bottle & he was sitting in the recliner I said what the hell r u doing up still he was really jumpy. I had to work the next morning & he called me at work & was being really sweet I knew he did something but I let it go cause he said he didn’t. A week l8er the girlfriend of the friends house he went to came over & told me he went over there & his friends aunt was there & they had sex on the golf course we live on. I never thought he would do that he said he didn’t remember doing it but if they said he did he probably did. I chose to forgive him its been hard but we are better & I’m still deeply in love with him he hasn’t drank since & were doing great. Its up to u & what u feel in ur relationship I know my husband is crazy about me & he was drunk & he knows he fucked up & he has made changes so that’s the most important thing. In a weird way were doing better than ever but don’t get me wrong I still have trust issues but because of what he did he also has trust issues 2 he worries I might do it to him but other than that were happy. I say give him another chance but if it happens again fuck him & my husband knows that also. Good luck.

  94. ashley says:

    Oh & if u do decide to take him back u have to forgive him & try your hardest to let it go cause if u don’t u & him will be in misery.

  95. samantha says:

    i found this blog googleing black outs….

    forgive him…

    i am going through the worst situation of my life right now.. last night i turned into a different person and said the worst kinds of things i could ever say to my boyfriend and he wont talk to me…

    it was just him and i , we were fine, happy, getting drunk… and then i dont remember what happend and then my memory starts again when hes leaving out the door trying to get away from me and im asking him why hes going … i remember him saying "are you serious you dont rememebr what you JUST said" and i literally dont…it wasnt me .. something took over me

    i thought it was him who started a fight i thought he was tyhe ass…

    until today when i finally found him, he would hardly talk to me btu he told me i started ripping him apart.. calling him all these hurtful names, telling him i would easily cheat on him… telling him he was nothing like my ex boyfriend…. and none of those things are how i really feel.. not even close

    im so in love with him its sick,…i dont know what came over me but i turned into this angry person who had to hurt who ever was in my way….im never letting myself get that drunk again…

    i ruined my relationship… :( forgive him… it wasnt "him"

    1. cece says:

      i feel ur pain 2 nights ago i drank a 5th of vodka to myself and blacked out for 12 hours…. :/ i guess i went crazy sobbing and yelling and hitting my man in front of his friends and left. he broke up with me and now im heart broken over something i could have pervented

  96. stainless rings says:

    obviously like your website but you need to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very bothersome to inform the reality on the other hand I’ll surely come back again.

    1. Meda says:

      Spelling? really???? that's what you find important? learn another language and see how you feel then, dumbass. Way to have bad karma. Don't comment if you cannot really help but only make comments about spelling. Stupid.

    2. Meda says:

      And by the way- if you weren't so busy looking at the spelling, you'd realize that the writing and communication is fantastic when trying to reach out to an audience, so apologize and have some thought on the subject.

  97. Confused says:

    Should a person be blamed if they blackout and rapes you?
    I was with my boyfriend for 4 years. He moved in after I got hurt. I was unable to walk due to a job injury. He began to take care of me (bathing, dressing, walking, help me with my three kidsand he would take me to my appointments). I was recovering. One night he wasnt to go out drinking. I was sick. So I wouldnt go out. He was upset because we have 5 kids (my 3 and his 2) and they was all gone for the night. He wanted to go out and relax. Well he was drinking heavly. Later that night he forced hiself on me and raped me. I put him in jail that night. He has never done anything like this before. Always gentle with me and 5 kids. Should I forgive hime. I truly love him. I have tried to go on with my life but after 3 yrs my heart is still broke and I long for him. He and I talked 2 years ago and became friends again. I have already forgave him. My friends and family thinks I would be stuip if I take him back. What should I do.

    1. good luck says:

      I'm am so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. The only advice I can give you is to do what your heart tells you to do. Don't listen to your friends and family. This is your life and you can make your own decisions.

  98. teri says:

    2 nights ago i got black out drunk off of 4 glasses of sangria. it’s not necessarily AMOUNT of alcohol that can do this, but how quickly you drink it. I found that out the hard way. One minute I was sitting at the dinner table, my boyfriend of over a year was in the kitchen too. Next think I know, I’m waking up in his bed, surrounded by puke-drenched towels. I knew I messed up. I got up and made him breakfast. He wouldn’t even look at me, and left all day. When he got home, he showed me the bruises and scratches I’d left all over him. He said I was trying to get him to fight me, that I was screaming “F U” and “I HATE YOU” at the top of my lungs. I didn’t remember any of it.

    I can honestly say that those feelings are not real. I love this man. I couldn’t believe what I had done to him, and when it had happened I thought I’d been drinking responsibly. There are so many factors–brain chemistry, medications, what you have in your stomach, history of alcoholism, stress disorders like PTSD–that can lead someone to having a black out.

    Should you forgive him? How many times has he gotten black out drunk? Was this the first time? You better believe that after the other night I would NEVER let myself get that drunk again.

  99. Lauren says:

    Hi. I black out lots of times even when I try to control my drinking! I hate it. I am quite small and need to learn my lesson that I cannot drink like my girlfriends. I went out for my best friends Hens on Sat night and remember most of the night except about 15- 20mins at the end before my husband picked me up. Im quite sure I did nothing!! But I got in the car and told my husband some guy put his crotch in my face and … well continued to tell him I basically cheated! When I woke the next morning he asked if I had cheated and I said absolutley no way! But told me what I said. I have no idea why I said it.. and I asked my girlfriends if it could have happpened and they said absolutley no way I did nothing… but… I dont remember! Did I? Didnt I? Why Did I even say that?… scary :(

  100. sonam says:

    let him go for now ..if he realizes his mistake and can wait for a year then its worthy or it ws never there…me in middle of this …first of all get yourself to peace

  101. Jane says:

    I’m struggling with a similar situation myself. I’ve been trying to come to terms with my newly untrustworthy boyfriend and our relationship. It’s not QUITE the same situation, but it too involves my boyfriend, a girl who isn’t me and a ton of alcohol.

    He drank a lot that night. He had a house party full of friends. I’m told by several other people that were there that this particular girl had made several advances toward him and was told off SEVERAL times by not only himself but other people there. At one point, he left the party for the basement and passed out in his room. This girl had tried to follow but was physically stopped by another person. I guess she managed to sneak past later on. Next thing he knows, his friend is banging on his door the next afternoon to wake him up and he wakes up with this girl who was in her underwear beside him.

    He said he was so upset that he was physically sick before he asked her what the hell happened. She says nothing (despite trying a LOT apparently, but he had passed out cold at that point). He doesn’t remember anything. I’ve since sent him to the dr’s to be tested (he’s all clear). I had a huge emotional breakdown after I had been informed. The worst part was, I found out from his friend that had woke him up that he heard a girl in the room and I had to go question my boyfriend, he didn’t volunteer the info to me until I asked!

    He’s never been unfaithful ever before. He’s actually been the one to be cheated ON in a previous relationship. We had been together just short of a year when it happened.

    He was VERY upset when he was telling me what happened.

    Naturally, I automatically had dagger eyes for this other girl (who has a BAD rep around our town for being that kind of girl who just takes what she wants). Then I realized that my boyfriend is just as guilty for being COMPLETELY irresponsible for drinking that much and not locking his door.

    I had sent this girl a written letter about a month and a half after the situation to let her know I know who she is and what she did (or tried to do) and she should be disgusted and ashamed of herself. I’m still fuming about it. I still have moments of hesitation when he tells me he had a party with the band or went to the bar and had a few people back.

    I’m still VERY upset with this girl and I just cannot seem to shake my utter hatred and resentment toward her.

    1. That "other girl" is a rapist. Your boyfriend is a rape victim. What you are doing by saying he is just as guilty for drinking too much and not locking his door is victim blaming. You should be ashamed of yourself while you're handing out the shamings.Sounds like there were plenty of witnesses, I'd urge him to press charges, and, yes, he should be in some therapy, esp. if he has been dealing with the stress of your reaction.

    2. Jess says:

      I have recently had the exact same thing happen to me but I only found out through looking at past FB messages. Its been a while since this happened to you. I would like to know if you gave him another chance and how you managed to trust him again?

  102. help says:

    So basically I'm really stuck. I have liked this guy for quite a while and he apprently likes me but neither of us have admitted it to the other, However he got drunk a few days ago and was caught on video by one of his mates saying he wants to fuck me quite a few times. I am quite upset but I dunno if I should just let it go because yes he was drunk and completely off his face but I thought he was a genuinely nice guy and to hear that without evem a whisper of I like you was a bit of a shock. Am I being totally unreasonable in telling him I'm upset and need my space?

  103. pm6mpo says:

    Forgive him and forgive yourself and be grateful that no more damage was done. Consider this all situation as a warning, a lesson to take and be gratefull for the fact that no real damage was done. And adress your drinking problem so that you don't go through the same situation, or worse, again. If you stay together you should both adress that drinking problem. Therapy may help. Lick your wounds and Get yourself up in your feet again.

  104. prudence says:

    well i see your pain through all this an i know you feel stuck, but the truth is he wouldnt have done it if it wasnt in his heart . im sure your battling inside because your heart is telling an you one thing an your head is telling you something else.these are grenrally red flags, an we should listen to them, but love is blind . wheather you stay with this guy or not its totally your decsion, if i was in that situation i would get on my knees an cry out to the one that knows everything because he sees everything that you go though every day and what you batttle with an he wants to reveal the truth to you, because whats done in darkness it will come to the light ( in other terms whats done behind close door it will be brought out in the open. well onfortuchly i got but i hope that you make the right decsion for your life an your future God Bless you .

  105. VL Russian says:

    I've been married to a serious alcoholic for over 3 decades now. I love him and some of the time, he loves me. He drinks to blackout just about every night. Often I get yelled at, accused of things I didn't do or would never do. He rarely remembers any of it the next day. If I could go back now, I'd dump him. I love our children we made together, but he had no input into their upbringing. Recently, he literally drove me to drink after 22 years of sobriety. He isn't any good for me, but he had a huge part in destroying what I had achieved a few years back and now I am stuck. I'm to old to start over. If I could, I'd run as fast as I could and never look back. I'd change my number and never speak to him. My husband cheated on me several times over the years, but the one he admits to recently, he believes it wasn't really cheating because he couldn't actually perform and it was my fault because I had left. He stole my engagement ring out of a safe and threw them away. LEAVE NOW AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Unless he decides to really get help, he'll never change. Mine's been to rehab many, many times and always as a way to get out of work, or court ordered. Rehab has never worked for so many I know of. Leave. Leave. Leave

  106. nohitting says:

    he should break up with you for hitting him. gross country that place.

  107. dorcas says:

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  108. joy says:

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    You have just got news about the break up or have been broken up for a while and your broken heart wont' mend. You have to do something because you can't live like this any longer and you ask yourself over and over again can I get my ex back? The good new is Yes you can get you EX back with the help of DR Chucks your Ex is just one step closer to you.So do the right thing now.contacts Dr Chucks via

  109. v says:

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  110. Awesome article, cool site.

  111. Genna says:

    You're a young lady and I don't really have an opinion on your boyfriend problem. Do what you want, you'll barely remember him in 5 years. What you ACTUALLY have a problem with is alcohol and if you don't get a handle on it, it will only be worse in 5 years. You're talking like the only serious problem in this scenario is whether you should, or how you go about forgiving your boyfriend. Do you know that a black out occurs when the part of your brain that creates memories completely stops functioning? It doesn't falter, or forget things, it actually ceases to function thus there is no memory of an event because it was never created. I guess that is not a big deal to you that there is actual damage to the brain when drinking has gotten to that point, but if you want to focus on something that is important to you: there's nothing inherent in a black out that makes you do anything out of the ordinary.Yeah, your boyfriend can't remember but as I said, it's just because his memory-maker wasn't working at that point in time. So he can't remember, does that mean he didn't mean it? Just because the "record" function wasn't operating in his brain, at that moment he wasn't thinking about you, he was thinking about that girl. He wasn't taking into consideration his "love" for you, he was thinking he wanted to do that chick. He might not remember that, but it doesn't change that it happened. And blowing a .32 and being completely out of control of yourself? You know at a .5 you could be in a coma. I'm the first to say drinking can occasionally get out of control in college, but it sounds like your frequent drinking is always out of control. Blackouts and arrests are just commonplace in your world and the REAL problem is whether you should forgive your cheating boyfriend? As your drinking continues, you WILL get worse. Just like people are not encouraged to start narcotics at a young age because you WILL become dependent. It's called tolerance. The more you drink, the more you need to get the same effect, leading to drinking more, leading to more problems. I bet you're thinking that doesn't happen to everyone, I have it under control, there is no addiction in my family, I don't drink in the morning, I can take it or leave it, blah, blah, blah. But biology is biology. You can't keep drinking at .32 levels and expect to not develop serious consequences and if you have stopped even seeing the crazy events occurring in your life as problems, you should probably quit drinking altogether. I hope you dump that loser and take a real look at your life and your drinking because if you don't, chances are, one day ten years from now,you'll get a flashback from the bed you woke up in next to some nasty guy you don't know, or throwing up into a toilet every morning, or worse a prison cell or detox bed, and think to yourself that you should have listened to that crazy woman who thinks she knows everything on the internet.

  112. Lala says:

    This is a really rough situation… It was posted quite some time ago but I hope things have worked out for the better.
    I was in a relationship for a year and a half about 5 years ago with the guy I just married last October. When we were together for that year and a half he had cheated on me a couple times through the first stretch. Maybe drinking, maybe not. He had been cheated on as well before us. Once I found out what had been going on he knew how hurt I was. I didn't want to break up with him right then because i still loved him. Once I heard about another girl, I dumped him. A little time went on and he cried when I told him I wouldn't take him back and that broke my heart. I ended up taking him back shortly after.
    He moved away a few months later for school and I didn't go with him or try to stay in a relationship with him. I knew I was still too hurt and didn't want to worry that my long-distance boyfriend was sleeping with people at college. We saw other people and would keep in touch occasionally… Over time the sharp pain of the details started to blur and I felt like "justice" had been served when I silently did things I knew he wouldn't like to hear about. I realized that none of it made me feel whole or like I could actually get over it so I swore off sex for two whole years! While doing this, I tried to find what I was about so that I could see what kind of guy I was "supposed to" be looking for. I liked being single and making friends. Looking back at it, I don't quite remember how my mentality was so NOT sex oriented for how young I am.
    Anyway – I let go of my romantic feelings for this boyfriend. The time and distance made it so we had a friendship that grew over the 3 years and evolved into a different type of love than merely romantic. I would think about the situation and attach no feelings to what had happened because I could almost objectively understand his motivations at the time and how he wasn't out to hurt me purposefully. I had actually forgiven him and could sincerely say it… He visited me for a couple weeks and everything felt so right. No bitterness and I believe him when he says he has no intention of being so inconsiderate again.

  113. Lala says:

    SO. There's part of the story… So after it felt so right and I was committed to him, he left again to go home (stationed elsewhere). I have a drunk night and since I was back in the swing of my sex life, I was more comfortable with the intimacy… An old friend I had warm feelings for needed a place to crash and after some play wrestling, I found myself shirtless on top of him on my couch. Not a good combination for somebody in a committed relationship. I got up to do something then peeked over and saw he was asleep – I proceeded to my own room.
    I told my future-husband this and he took a little bit of time to get back to me. He basically said "Sh** happens.. Just try to not do that again." I was feeling like the luckiest person in the world. That's when I had my confirmation we'd make a fantastic team… Not to keep forgiving each other for cheating, but the fact that talking and understanding with a certain amount of objectivity can overcome (in some people) the emotions that lead to jealousy and anger which then lead to resentment.
    Obviously, this isn't a complete story of our relationship seeing as the bigger commitment/test has only recently taken off… I already know that alcohol is not my best friend in situations with attractive guys, therefore, I will be working to avoid drinking it. I know this is a similar scene for men also. I'm not saying the person committing the act isn't at fault, I just know that in a sober situation, many of these incidents wouldn't have taken place so easily. Attraction to somebody is natural. While drinking, that attraction gradually surpasses thinking about reasons one shouldn't follow through on their instinctual urges… If the intoxication gets too high, along with memory loss, focus is lost from the person you are to be loyal to and aimed toward the person who has your attention since organized thinking is no longer very probable.
    For most, regret follows. If not right after, than a soon after when they've pieced a bit more together. I know I've broadened my view of people who cheat because I was frustrated that THEY made me so angry. I've developed a much more relaxed attitude towards a few circumstances (some don't quite make sense to me) and my bitterness towards the subject has a very loose grip.
    Honesty is the best policy. Making a choice in actions is something to figure out as a cheater… Preventative measures (in this case, not binge drinking) and figuring out what caused the internal motive is helpful. For the cheated on… This gets harder if you haven't cheated or been very close to it. The emotions are rough. Time usually mends those. You have to look at your love for the person and decide whether it's worth rebuilding trust for. If you're staying, it will be pretty rocky for a bit while you examine what exactly hurt you and then how you can regain your trust in them after their actions. For me, a break was necessary to find myself and to not be mad that people have freedom to make some decisions that aren't based on everybody's happiness.
    Sticky situation but not something that can't be worked through.

  114. Jennifer says:

    So…I've done plenty of reading about blackout mistakes but never told my story. Approximately 12 days ago My fiance and I had a nice dinner out and then decided to go the bar in the college town he lives in. He was head Security there before his most recent job at the local jail. So he knows everyone and everyone knows him. It started off good, we had shared a drink together and was waiting for a friend to stop by for a drink. While we were waiting a girl comes into the bar and he made a comment, I asked "why don't you like that girl?" He replies, "she just spread rumors that I was a jerk". I should have left it at that but I didn't… I started asking why? and got an answer I never wanted to hear. He had previously hooked up with her. My stomach sank and I felt sick. I never wanted to see a girl the love of MY life had been with. So he reassured me that we we're the ones getting married and having a happy future that we were currently at that time planning for. After that I went to the restroom and just happened to run into this ex fling and all of her friends. The were talking about me, saying "to punch me in the face" blah blah blah. I went back to my seat and told my fiance what was said and once again he reassured me everything was ok. At that point I had no desire to be at that bar anymore. BUT my fiance at the time worked 1st 2nd and 3rd shifts at the jail and went to school, he just needed a night out to relax with me and his friends, So we stayed and I got drunk. I got so drunk to the point where I blacked out soon after paying the tab. We were there way after the bar closed because a bouncer buddy of ours was going to drop us off at the ex fiances apartment. During that time I had fallen off the bar stool and as hard as it is to admit.. I physically assaulted my fiance in the face, I can honestly say I don't remember doing it. Being drunk wasn't an excuse either, what I did was wrong. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I don't even remember doing it. I shattered his world. I embarrassed him, I hurt him. I broke us. I have yet to forgive myself. After that horrible mistake we got dropped off at his apartment, from what I was told I assaulted him again on the way to his place. When we got there, he locked me out of his apartment, it was cold and snowy. I tried to get back in and he didn't want me to. The apartment security saw me and I said things that aren't even apart of my vocabulary. I could have landed myself and him in jail that night for my stupid drunkenness. Was I hurt he locked me out? Of course. My brother was called to come get me, he did and we went home. The next day still drunk I texted my fiance and he explained what I did. I was frozen. I never hit anyone in my life, let alone get so drunk to the point of where I don't remember a single thing. He told me "we can get through anything, i love you and only you. We'll get through this". That was the biggest relief. UNTIL later that night he went over to his best buddies house. And it all went down hill from there, they said "i wouldn't be with a girl who hit me" Keep in mind I am 5'2 124 lbs and he is 6'3 250 lbs. In other words hes huge and everyone knows it. Not that size matters BUT it was still wrong to hit him. So that night, he ended our engagement. I was devastated, he didn't even want to talk it out. He took back a commitment we made to get through anything, he broke my heart as I broke his. So here I am, haven't really ate much since that night. I've lost tremendous weight. I cry all the time, i know what i did was wrong and i cant say i don't really blame him for leaving me. What i did was unacceptable. He told his parents and they did tell him to "Stay away from me" so hes currently doing that. We are no longer speaking, it kills me everyday. I've apologized to him, I wrote a letter to his family apologizing for my actions and hope that one day they will find it in their hearts to forgive me. This experience has changed my life, for the better? Yes, I refuse to ever put alcohol to my lips. I learned to not get upset over an ex fling. She's an ex for a reason, and so am I.
    He was my best friend, we were always together. Now I spend my days trying to figure out what to do with all the pictures on my phone, what to do with all of his stuff? I just hope with time everything will heal. I can't say I see a future for us, because that's not up to me. I ask that you keep me in your prayers. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I did this to myself and I know I must deal with the consequences.

  115. I am curious as well as enthusiastic about what you are covering below.

  116. Confused says:

    Want advice. GF over year and a half and we are very committed to each other. I confronted her ab her drinking problem bc I then had a serious disk rupture and some days just a touch to the skin felt like nails on a chalk board to my nerves. She would drink and sometimes I would self medicate my pain with her. She woukd blackout and become extremely horny wanting sex for hours. On a few nights I was really in pain and she was to the blackout point she wouldn't take no for an answer. Ab a month before surgery she went to far and I said its either me or the alcohol. She completely stopped finally after a drunken night she doesn't remember getting home with some coworkers and our relationship was never better and after recovery from back surgery everything was great.

    Then the other wknd I was away working and she had a few glasses of wine. Went up to a high balcony to get better reception to call me and had a glass of wine with her two male neighbors waiting on my call but I was still at work. Next thing she remembers is waking up under one of them, freaks and grabs half her stuff, them too drunk to get back in her place the guy comes and unlocks the door.

    I spoke with her for a few min that night after work and she was hammered and told me where she was and she was wanting to Skype sex. I asked her to go home and go to bed. She remembers none of this.

    She is horrified by what she did and almost to the point of like a rape victim. She doesn't know anything ab how long or protection or anything she did with this neighbor she hardly knows. She's not eating, sick, took morning after pill, and had a full std test done.

    She is dying ab everything that happen and idk what to do as we were future bound with everything as it was concerned. I am disturbed and completely disgusted by even thinking ab what she did or being with her sexually again.

    I have a huge heart and this urge to be there for her but feel until she gets help we can't be together again

    Idk what to do,

  117. Ashley says:

    This is the worst place to be, no matter the side. I’m on the cheater side; I am one of two people when drunk– incredibly flirtatious or suicidal. There are far too many nights I’ll never remember, but always question. I’ve been in a relationship for 13 years, 7 of them married. I love my husband but was bored with my life, so I drank to escape. The last time I drank, I vaguely remember making out with someone. I don’t remember specifics; I just remember waking up with the most bottomless feeling in my stomach. My heart was hammering in my chest; I thought I was going to have a heart attack because I was so panicked. I never told my husband, which some might see as a cowardly response. I know this though: it would be devastating for him, it would end our relationship, and it was an unintended mistake that haunts me daily but also drives me to be the wife he deserves. I haven’t had a drink since, and have no urge to drink again. He and I have had many a talk about my inability to just maintain a slight buzz or only have a drink. Living with the guilt of what I’ve done is punishment enough; it only hurts me, as opposed to hurting him as well. I recognize why I drank to excess and have been working toward overcoming my midlife crisis (I’m almost 30, so I don’t know if midlife is the right phrase, or if the “traditional” midlife crisis just hit me early due to being in the same relationship since I was 15). If you love him, if he really feels it was an isolated mistake and does everything he can to rectify it and be the person you deserve, I hope you can forgive him. Mistakes happen; people are human. It’s where we go from there that matters.

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