Why Am I The Dating Coach?

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I often put on full makeup to give advice over cappuccino.

Last night a friend called me in a panic at 10:30. She went out with a guy, really liked him and still hadn’t heard from him three days later.

“Should I call him?” She asked.

I spent the next thirty minutes on the phone with her, giving her advice, telling her what I’d do in the situation, helping her regain her sanity. When she was finally at ease, we hung up and I returned to my (then soggy) bowl of cereal and DVR’d episode of The Bachelor.

These calls come often. My friends – single and very un-single – are constantly coming to me for relationship advice. I tend to be brutally honest in all aspects of my life (“Yes, I agree, you are being a bitch”) so people trust my opinions and know that I’ll give it to them straight. They tell me that I always seem to know the right thing to do and never judge them for their less-than-stellar choices (like my friend who made up a Facebook account to stalk the sh*t out of her new guy’s ex girlfriend. Though I did tell her that was a really bad idea…)

The only problem is that I am single. And not just between-relationships single; more like haven’t-had-a-real-relationship-in-three-years-even-though-I’m-trying single. So I have to wonder: Why are people coming to me?

It’s true – I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but I give really good advice. I have a lot of guy friends, which gives me a unique perspective, and I really know and understand the male mind. I have also done a lot  dating in my short time on this planet, so I know what I’m talking about. But do I? I mean, I’m. still. single. I’ve had tons of first dates, a few late night suitors and many failed attempts at relationships. My evenings are spent cuddling with Pop-Tarts and watching crappy dating shows.

How can people trust what I have to say when I have nothing to show for it?

I wouldn’t trust a 14-year-old to teach me how to drive much like I wouldn’t ask my sober mom’s advice on the best hangover remedy. So why are people coming to me? Why do people trust me to make such important decisions in their life? Why does anyone think I know what the hell I’m talking about?

And why, when my relationship advice works wonders for everyone around me, is it not doing jack sh*t for me?

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