Wherefore Art Thou Chivalry?

February 1, 2010     Posted in Relationships

Romeo and Juliet probably would not have been the famous star-crossed lovers had they met at a bar instead of a balcony. We all remember the duo that defined infatuation, Juliet up on her pedestal and Romeo down on one knee. Though I hate to be the bearer of bad news, the times have changed since the days of poetic love letters and walking a girl to the front door.


By Hannah

Despite what Taylor Swift might sing.

Let’s not be blinded by St. Valentine himself. A few secret admirers are sprouting up these days and chocolates may end up in my mailbox on the 14th of February, but I want to focus on the other 364 calendar days. Where did dinner at a nice restaurant go? Why are guys no longer lending a sweater when my arms get chilly? How come the term “first date” is becoming just as out-of-date as the Spice Girls’ famous “girl power” slogan?

Let’s face it: Chivalry is dead on college campuses. Feel free to send flowers because a guy is not about to.  The love letters that used to bear hearts and souls have been replaced by 140 character text messages. That first date is more likely to involve a grungy couch at 2a.m., not a romantically lit table for two. Gone are the days of sweaty palms and Cupid’s arrows. These days college courtship revolves around Facebook “pokes” and the highly anticipated changing of the status from “single” to “in a relationship”.

I hear tales all the time from my parents and extended family that involve sweet little love stories laced with flowers left on the doorstep and first dates where a guy actually met the parents. And he picked the girl up. And he actually took her somewhere that didn’t include Solo cups and a $5 cover charge.

Crazy, I know.

Guys are the first to be blamed and we girls are pretty merciless when it comes to pointing fingers on this topic. They are the ones who are “supposed” to ask the girls out on dates, pick up the tab and call for a second date. But speaking as a female, I know I am guilty of delivering a disgusted sigh at the thought of being put on a pedestal and treated like a damsel in distress. We are in an age of independence and the defenseless Rapunzel role doesn’t really help us out anymore.

Let’s face it: Both sexes are at fault here. And because of this look at what we are left with.

Scenes from “The Notebook” and “Titanic” are inching away from the category of classic romance and becoming more like mythology with each interaction. We have handed over the first few steps of courting to our T9 texting and Facebook accounts. We have settled for expressing those first few feelings over a screen rather than ever having the “relationship talk” face-to-face. We have smacked a smile on our faces over invites to theme parties and to free drinks at the bar. Some may call this a modernized form of chivalry but I just see it as ridiculous.

I want those old days back. I want to believe there is someone out there who will walk me back to my dorm room instead of inviting me back to his for the night. I would love the chance to actually talk to someone in a quiet setting instead of amidst the chugging of cheap beer.

Guys, would it ruin your reputation to take us out on one dinner date and learn our favorite color?
Girls, will our independence be critically bruised if we accept a pedestal for once and simply allow a guy to flatter us?

We need to meet somewhere in the middle. Until that crossroad comes, I will hold tightly to a thin strand of hope; maybe, just maybe, chivalry is not dead.

But it’s definitely in a deep coma.

38 Comments on "Wherefore Art Thou Chivalry?"

  1. Krystyna says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 201011:49 am 

    Sounds like you aren't meeting the right kind of guys – they are out there, though I know they are few and far between. Also, back in the days when men were doing all of those things, it had a lot to do with society. Women weren't allowed to make those kinds of advances or no man would want them. They weren't really allowed to propose sex or marriage, they merely had to accept the offers put to them. And as someone who got her current boyfriend by making the first move, I'm personally happy we've progressed beyond the age of chivalry, though I know not everyone feels that way.

  2. Krystle says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 201012:31 pm 

    A M E N.

  3. Alana says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 20103:55 pm 

    Not to sound like a smartass, but I feel it's time you learned this. Wherefore art thou doesn't mean where are you; it means WHY are you. So Juliet was asking why Romeo is Romeo, as in being from the rival family. The title of this post makes no sense.

  4. Kay says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 20107:02 pm 

    @Alana: I thought the other was just playing with the words… I thought the title was clever. Apparently not clever enough haha.

  5. Kay says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 20107:04 pm 

    loooonggg day. sub "other" for author". sorry, guys!

  6. Caitlin-University o says:
    Mon, 1st Feb 20108:06 pm 

    I completely agree. In fact, I'm dealing with this situation with my boyfriend right now. His idea of a date is being alone and hanging out, maybe ordering some type of delivery, which is fine for when I'm hungover or something. I asked him if we could go on more dates and he seemed dumbfounded. It's kind of ridiculous how far girls have to push to get treated a little special. I want dinners where I get to dress up and he comes to the door instead of calling me when he's parked outside! Where's the effort?!

  7. Zoe says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20105:25 am 

    I loved this article, I fully agree, although I wanted to mention that in some respects we do have it better this way. I've been living in Argentina for 6 months now and at first I was delighted, the guys here who you meet in clubs or whatever want to ask you out to dinner – amazing, they always, ALWAYS bring you flowers on the first date – adorable, and they always ALWYAS insist on picking up the tab… and that's nice, on the first date. But on number 5 (and being painfully aware that, coming from Europe, I am most likely a lot better off than these men) it starts to get uncomfortable. But try paying? Even splitting? You will have a hissy fit on your hands because you are 'emasculating' them in front of the waiters. What I'm trying to say is that they're not really concerned with treating you right, the reason they behave that way is all down to their huge egos. And that's not so great.

  8. Ryan says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20106:02 am 

    Ladies, a guy will treat you special if you are special to him (exception: he might be a bum, like Caitlin's boyfriend). Are you? Or are you just another girl at the bar/in his rotation? I'm totally willing to take girls on dates, but if I do take them out, many of them think I want to marry them and either get way too attached or drop off the map.

    In short, being chivalrous is a great way to not get laid.

  9. Casey says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20108:26 am 

    chivalry went out the window when pre-marital sex became "ok". I mean think about it, sex is everywhere, everyone sleeps around now a days, why should a guy have to woo a girl when he knows all she's looking to do is get laid as fast as he is? I'm not saying that sex isn't ok, (we all love sex), but when sex became socially acceptable it kind of put an end to traditional dating.

    I mean you wonder why things are the way they are, and you don't consider the consequences when you fight to be "free" in some circumstances, but the fact is the more that is made acceptable, the less there really is for us. If that makes any sense at all.

  10. Sarah says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20107:01 pm 

    I don't think chivalry is dead. Granted, I'm not dating or hooking up with any of these boys, but most of the guys I hang out with make a point of doing things like holding the doors for the girls, walking the girls to our bus stops if it's late, carrying the heavy things when we're out doing stuff, offering a coat if one of the girls say we're cold, etc. I don't doubt that they'd be quick to pay for a date's dinner, either. I think it's got a lot to do with how you carry yourself – they treat the girls in our circle of friends with respect and do the little chivalrous things because we carry ourselves in such a way that treating us like we're just That Drunk Chick just isn't an option. I've seen the way they treat the girls like that compared to the way they treat their girlfriends or the girls they hang out with – it's a big difference, one that I think has a lot to do with the fact that we girls in their lives on a regular basis just don't let them get away with not treating us with that kind of respect.

  11. Michelle says:
    Wed, 3rd Feb 20103:47 pm 

    I thought this was a great article. I think there a lot of good points in this. I definitely think that guys are becoming less likely to actually take a girl out. It is partly because of technology but either way dating is on the spiral downward. What is the deal with tearing it apart word for word? That is a little much to me. Clearly you have a good amount of time on your hands… I would spend it on something more worth while.

  12. jaoeo vk says:
    Wed, 3rd Feb 20105:07 pm 

    Chivalry: is a term related to the medieval institution of knighthood. It is usually associated with ideals of knightly virtues, honor and courtly love. The word is derived from the French word “chevalerie”, itself derived from “chevalier”, which means knight, derived from “cheval”, horse (indicating one who rides a horse).

    So I guess in this context, you mean “courtly love.”
    And there are no rules on that.

    “Scenes from “The Notebook” and “Titanic” are inching away from the category of classic romance and becoming more like mythology with each interaction.”
    Neither of those movies were based in any sort of reality, and if they were, they were based before even the 1950s. Old-timey values of what men and women should be (in American society at least). Really, you should elaborate on what you mean here. Do you want guys to draw you naked?

    “We have handed over the first few steps of courting to our T9 texting and Facebook accounts. We have settled for expressing those first few feelings over a screen rather than ever having the “relationship talk” face-to-face. We have smacked a smile on our faces over invites to theme parties and to free drinks at the bar. Some may call this a modernized form of chivalry but I just see it as ridiculous.”
    Who’s “we?” Everyone you know? You must not know very much people if the only people you know communicate exclusively via textmessaging and facebook. I think communicating romantically via textmessage is weird, but it’s really just as fine as sending a letter–even if it is a misspelled letter with funny punctuation. And what is so bad about theme parties or free drinks?

    “Where did dinner at a nice restaurant go? Why are guys no longer lending a sweater when my arms get chilly? How come the term “first date” is becoming just as out-of-date as the Spice Girls’ famous “girl power” slogan?” Dinner at a nice restaurant is fine as long as we’re splitting the bill. I don’t know what you mean about the chilly thing. Are you wearing a pencil skirt and a belly-shirt in 40-degree weather expecting guys to hand you their sweaters? Or do you expect a guy you’re on a date with to hand over his sweater in very cold weather? A guy you barely know on a date or a guy you know well? Either way, expecting it is dumb because it is cold as fuuuck. But if the guy lends you that sweater, good for him. And I hear people say “first date” all the time when they go with someone for the first time, so that point is destroyed.

    “I want those old days back. I want to believe there is someone out there who will walk me back to my dorm room instead of inviting me back to his for the night. I would love the chance to actually talk to someone in a quiet setting instead of amidst the chugging of cheap beer.” If he wants to have sex, and you don’t want to just yet, and he doesn’t understand and gets angry, he’s a dumbass. If you want to talk to someone in a quiet setting, go find a cute guy in the library or a study hall, or sitting in the commons area of campus.

    “Guys, would it ruin your reputation to take us out on one dinner date and learn our favorite color?
    Girls, will our independence be critically bruised if we accept a pedestal for once and simply allow a guy to flatter us?”
    This is not chivalry. You do not know what chivalry is. Dinner dates are a nice gift, and knowing a favorite color is just knowing your favorite color.

    As for being allowed to be on a pedestal:
    ” the guys here who you meet in clubs or whatever want to ask you out to dinner – amazing, they always, ALWAYS bring you flowers on the first date – adorable, and they always ALWYAS insist on picking up the tab … But try paying? Even splitting? You will have a hissy fit on your hands because you are ‘emasculating’ them in front of the waiters. What I’m trying to say is that they’re not really concerned with treating you right, the reason they behave that way is all down to their huge egos. And that’s not so great.”
    The notion of courtship the article-writer has means that the man has more financial power, and the woman will be taken on dinners or get flowers, but ultimately will have much less independence.

    You can have the article-writer’s notion of chivalry, but you won’t be equal to your man financially or socially.

    Or you can think of how you or your man can be romantic without being chivalrous. It is very easy. Just do the sort of stuff you normally do, but split responsibility both ways.

    Whether you think one is worse than the other is up to you, but I just wanted to point out that “chivalry” is definitely not the correct word for you to use.

  13. loal says:
    Fri, 5th Feb 201011:16 pm 

    what is chivalry? you probably don't know what it is?

  14. Adam says:
    Wed, 10th Feb 20102:47 pm 

    There are guys who act chivalrous and want real romance….. and they tend not to get the girl. The boor at the frat party does. And you're wondering why chivalry is dying?

    A middle ground exists, but it's such a narrow line that you're not going to find many guys who can walk it.

  15. Kevin says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20105:05 am 

    Look, the reason for chivalry and romance by Men was so that they could get love & sex. Those were the rules you had to play by in order to get a woman. In my case, I did many of the things, dinners & dates, etc in order to 'win' my wife. I still send her flowers, etc. even when its not valentine's day. Its the way I was raised.

    However, with the coming of the 60s & the 'sexual revolution' it has reached the point that guys don't need to do those things in order to get sex. So they don't. Its easier, cheaper, etc to just take their women to a dixie cup party – and the women are OK with it! The 'sexual revolution' was lost by women, and its going to get worse on college campuses as more & more women are competing for the interest of fewer & fewer college educated men.

  16. joe2171 says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20106:34 am 

    Chivalry is dead, and Feminism killed it. Along with a slew of other positive aspects of American culture that Feminists destroyed, and the death of chivalry is an overlooked, but important aspect of the the feminization of America, and the ongoing assault on Men everywhere.

    Thanks feminists, as the violence grows, especially the violence committed by men against women, we have only the liberal feminist agenda to thank.

    The destruction of the strong nuclear family with well defined roles of not only love and understanding but also discipline being taught to young boys and girls, is the reason we will continue to decline as a nation, and it will be helped along by all of the political correctness permeating our society.

    When we finally realize as a society what Liberal Political Correctness is actually costing us, the inevitable backlash will be all the more violent. Unfortunately, the lack of restraint will be very specifically attributable to the way the last couple of generations were raised, without discipline, without compassion, and without any regard to the undeniable physiological and psychological differences between males and females…I for one am not looking forward to the "progress" of the next couple of decades!

  17. Scott says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20106:36 am 

    This pretty much sums up how I feel about Chivalry. "Dave Chappelle – Chivalry Is Dead" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymNdfdQvdVc

    How do YOU Dress, how do YOU act, who do YOU choose to get close to you, How long do you go out with a guy before YOU sleep with him. Dave is right, if Chivalry is dead women killed it. If it paid off to be Chivalrous we would act that way. The fact is, it pays to be a dog these days with most women. Then you find the one you marry.

  18. Sean says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20107:18 am 

    The progressives, with their harpies, the feminazis, have made damn sure to kill romance, and with it chivalry. So if women want to know what killed chivalry, they should look in the mirror. Men never were independant of women, when it came to being strong, masculine, and good. The behaviour of women made them that way, and inspired other men to the same. A self-perpetuating relationship. But when women dedided to swallow the communists lies, they dealt a death blow to men being their best as men. Men cannot be borne apart from a woman, and a man has no meaning apart from a woman. And a woman is much the same, in reverse. And all the multiculti, progressive, feminazi,rubbish in the world just screwed up the way things are. Want to get back on track? Just meet, love each other, and live your lives, without the propaganda.

  19. mollination says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20103:53 pm 

    Guys used to do that stuff in exchange for getting to be The Man.

    Now all the feminism-fueled extremists have taken "independence" to reassessing the sexes. No guy is gonna do all the chivalrous stuff without us doing some things for them in return.

    Women didn't question (read: badger) their men back in the 40's about where he was going on "guys night out". Girls cooked for their husbands, and sexed them on the regular (read: when the guy wanted), and made sure their home was kept.

    So you have to pick which way you want it. Can't get your's both ways and not let him have his.

  20. Keith says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 201011:04 pm 

    Sean & mollination, you nailed it!

    Sorry chicas, you can't have it both ways. You are now reaping the rewards of decades of feminism and what I call the "Cosmo Syndrome (aka "Sex and the City Syndrome")": "Men are scum, men are stupid, men are useless, I am woman hear me roar, I want it all, I deserve it all, I am goddess!"

    American women are the worst. For them it's all me me me me me me me me me! Of the guys I know my age (30s), the only ones happily married are the ones who married foreign women. Or gay.

    American guy, learn from your brothers in arms, escape the harpies while you can! Date foreign!

  21. Casey says:
    Sat, 13th Feb 20108:12 am 

    the last like 7 posts, THANK YOU! This is exactly why chivalry is dead.

  22. osg says:
    Sun, 14th Feb 201012:26 pm 

    Chivalry is dead because women have become sluts…plain and simple. These "empowered females" (keep telling yourselves that girls!) have ruined it for not only the nice guys, but also for the nice girls.

  23. Marla says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20104:56 pm 

    I kinda agree with the past 23987235 posts about chivalry being "dead." Guys aren't really out to "woo" a woman whenever all it takes is some alcohol to get what they want. Now, I know there are chivalrous men out there who WILL try their hardest, but they are NOT gonna be found in the college-bar-frat-party scene. You have to look around for the guys who AREN'T getting falling-down drunk every night, and yes, that means that you may have to abstain from getting falling-down drunk yourself. The age for chivalry is dead, but the actual act still exists. You just have to stop complaining that no one is falling for your "charms" and look for a REAL man.

  24. logic says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20107:43 pm 

    Allow me to state the only correct answer: The sorts of things the article describes happened like this:

    The Man paid for stuff for the Woman because she did not work, or earned a lot less if she did. The Man did stuff to win the Woman, and in exchange the Woman would put out, make dinner, have kids, be a housewife. PLEASE NOTE: I am not putting this sort of lifestyle down. If you want to be a housewife or want a housewife, go ahead.

    However, if you're like most women, you have a job, and thus we see more splitting of bills on dates. And you probably won't want a man who is "chivalrous" (as described above) to be totally dominant over you. (But if you do, ok then)

    As for gifts and remembering your favorite color, those are just the sort of little things both people in the relationship should know of each other

  25. logic says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20107:44 pm 

    Actually, this article did not at all address gays and lesbians. Chivalry never included them, so if they act the way you describe chivalry, what does that mean?

  26. OG Smartz says:
    Thu, 18th Feb 20104:42 pm 

    Dear ladies,

    Stop complaining about chivalry being "dead" when you're the ones who in fact tortured it, killed it, defiled its corpse and left it out for the vultures.

    The feminist culture instilled a high value in women and created a new culture of independent women who did not feel they needed a "Man" in their lives to "save them" from their problems, which is a GOOD THING. NO ONE should be against women being independent and self-reliant, especially in this day and age.

    The problem begins in when independent women are HYPER-empowered to the point that not only do they not accept help from men (which I have no problems with btw), but actively seek to discredit and degrade someone who seeks to even offer the mildest levels of help. By itself though? This is not a big deal.

    Despite being HYPER-empowered ("I do EVERYTHING by myself!"), these very same women demand that their partners live up to their demanding, superficial, unrealistic standards.

    So to put that in the perspective of a guy, you are supposed to be the perfect man willing to do everything for a women who by very definition does not want nor appreciate your help whatsoever AND actually rebuffs you for doing so but demands it in order to be within her presence.

    …Wait, what?

    And yet, despite the paradoxical nature of women, a certain sect of men do this! And what do women do? Label them "nice guys" and leave to the wayside to suffer because they actually seek to play the twisted game of women. So what happens? These "nice guys", despite doing exactly what they are theoretically supposed to do, are conditionally broken by the women they care for. Through bitterness or understanding of "the game", these "nice guys" become the very assholes that women claim are ruining it for them and others.

    So congratulations ladies. You've not only killed chivalry, but actually created a system that destroys any notion of it forming.

  27. Windy Wilson says:
    Fri, 26th Feb 201010:23 am 

    It gets hard to behave in an appropriately chivalrous manner when the modern model for mating has become not courting but merely a kind of animal "hooking up" where the males all vie for the favors of the various females, and the females all seek a moment's favor with the dominant buck in the neighborhood, like deer in the autumn.

  28. Weston says:
    Mon, 5th Apr 20107:40 am 

    In response to Krystyna, I would say that its not a bad thing for guys to act chivalrous. Now remember this is coming from a guy, but I believe that men MUST start treating women with more respect. I long for the days when girls wanted to be treated like the princesses that they are. Chivalry is such an important thing, and with its "deep coma" state that its in we are seeing increases in violent acts towards women. That is what happens when men are not taught to respect women the way they should be treated!

  29. Tricia Hein says:
    Thu, 17th Feb 201112:00 pm 

    Actually, Romeo and Juliet did meet at a party :)

    Yes, girls are partly responsible for chivarly dying, and its a slow, painful death at that. But I think the first step is to hold higher standards. In other words, don't settle. If a guy isn't willing to go on a date, don't hang out with him either.
    http://studentswhostillhavesouls.blogspot.com

  30. Alexia says:
    Sat, 11th Feb 201211:39 am 

    , we all need to be nicer to each other. And we need to learn to ask in a way that is not dnedmaing.We need to learn to lighten up when we're not talking business.Cheers, Claudia

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