The Forbidden Words of Dating

February 2, 2010 11:00 am     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Rachael- University of Miami g+ page

I’m just going to be blunt here: why do we feel the need to pretend we don’t know what we want?


By Rachael

I’m serious. Whether we’re looking for friends with benefits or a one night stand or – worst of all – an actual relationship, we’re terrified to openly admit it. We don’t want to be viewed as clingy or slutty or any other label that will send the guy running for the hills.

Because that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? The reason we’re so scared to say what we’re thinking? That once we do, once we admit what we’ve been praying they’ll pick up on telepathically, the guy in question is going to reject us so quickly we’ll practically see a blur as he leaves?

Not that we should want to be with a guy like that anyway. But the problem is we do want this guy – in some capacity – and we don’t want to know if the word “boyfriend” is repulsive to him. And society (and possibly some past experiences) has taught us that the words “relationship,” “boyfriend,” and “girlfriend” are instant boy repellent.

I’d been sort of seeing a friend of mine for about a month-and-a-half and before we left for winter break, I tried to be honest with him: I couldn’t deal with the crazy back-and-forth anymore, with him acting like we were in a relationship one day, then actively avoiding me the next. Or hugging and kissing me around strangers and my friends, but literally dropping my hand and stepping away when we saw one of his. I was so proud of myself for actually having the nerve to tell him all of this, and to go one step further and flat-out tell him that I wasn’t sure what he wanted, but I wanted a-

That word. The forbidden word we dare not speak. Even, in that vital moment when I was laying my heart on the line, I couldn’t bring myself to say the word “relationship.” I danced around it, alluded, gestured, everything but actually saying it. Imagine how ridiculous I looked…

And the reason was as simple as it was ludicrous: I was worried that since I genuinely had no idea where he stood – and even though I was essentially saying I wanted a relationship – if I actually said the word, he’d immediately reject me. As it stands now, whether I said the word or not probably wouldn’t have made much of a difference. We both knew exactly what I was alluding to, and our decision for him to take the winter break to decide what the hell he wanted probably wouldn’t have been any different had I just used the damn word.

But why are we so hung up on these words? Why do we believe so deeply that they’ll destroy our careful cultivation of anything substantial with a guy? I have tons of close guy friends and I know that plenty of them are perfectly fine with it; hell, one of my friends was smiling for weeks when the girl he was seeing finally agreed to be his girlfriend. And yet, when it comes down to actually using the words with a guy with whom I was personally involved – even though I know he’s a lot like the guy friends I have, seeing as he’s technically one of them – I couldn’t do it. It’s so ingrained in us from an early age not to use the words that it’s almost impossible to overcome.

Not that it would have made much of a difference in this situation; even with my game of charades things turned out to be a total bust. But maybe I would have figured that out a bit sooner had I not been so afraid to say the words.

20 Comments on "The Forbidden Words of Dating"

  1. Meg says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20106:14 am 

    WOW. This is the exact article I needed to read right now. I've also been seeing a friend of mine for about a month and I'm at the point where I should have this conversation too. I'm not scared that he doesn't want a relationship, but it's more that I don't know how to tell him what I want which I'm not even 100% sure of myself. Sigh. He also acts like your guy…with the split personality. He introduced me as his girl at one party we were at then at another I barely saw him the whole night. I think it's interesting that you bring up your guyfriends and how one was so happy the girl he was with agreed to a relationship. Doesn't it seem like guys want to be the ones to initiate commitment? Is that why girls never want to bring it up & hope they pick up on what we want telepathically? I think I have to go meditate on my situation some more and figure out my next step. Thanks for your story.

  2. Erich says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20106:43 am 

    I think that guys are just as scared as women to bring these words up. If we want a one night stand and say it or a friends with benefits, then the women get all offended cause all we weant is a piece of ass. But we would love for a woman to say whats on her mind and not beat around the bush. In my experience esp with some of my female friends, I have had to come out and ask why are we bullshittin? We are both adults, we both know what we want. Just come out and say what you want.

    Dont be scared, if he doesnt reciprocate then you dont need him.

  3. . says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20107:51 am 

    But then again, if you do use the "relationship" word too early then it becomes weird. It's like you're pushing it faster than it needs to be, which is usually a turn off for guys. I think there's merit to your article though.

  4. Ck says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20108:09 am 

    I was seeing a guy a month before winter break before I was going abroad and ended up thinking about him still and I brought up the fact that I still had feelings and he turned me down but it was worth it. Even though it can be very uncomfortable to get things out in the open. Once you have and if the guy turns you down you can at least get over it and find someone better rather than pining over something that isn't going to go anywhere. I figure that the kind of guy I'll end up with will be comfortable with my honesty and love me for it rather than reject me just because I'd rather be forward about how I feel/ what I want.

  5. emily says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 201011:18 am 

    a little off topic…but you have great writing style! I enjoyed reading this :)

  6. M says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 201011:55 am 

    Great article! I really enjoyed reading it.

    I happened to avoid this situation because I started dating my best friend while we were still in high school, so we were close enough to comfortably discuss where we were headed. Almost a year later, we're in college but still together, hopefully for good.

    But I agree with you–in your situation I probably would've chickened out and then kicked myself for it afterwards. We all wish we could be more open and honest, but sometimes life just doesn't make it easy to do that.

  7. criolle johnny says:
    Tue, 2nd Feb 20107:07 pm 

    This is a question of when and where. I've had a first date … coffee.

    Then the second date was a movie at a mall. As we walked through the mall, she stopped to check out a few china patterns for our shower! That's a bit too fast.

    On the other hand, if you've been co-habbing for three semesters and s/he still introduces you as a "friend", it's time to move on.

  8. Nannon says:
    Wed, 3rd Feb 20106:11 am 

    I think one month: too soon. Three months: perfect to ask. See if push it too early on before three months, you are not really in a bonafide relationship if you look at it logically. High or college, sure one month, that's fine we're all still young, beyond the education of higher learning: one month is a bad idea to push that subject. That only works if you've spent almost everyday together, then I can see why someone would be asking for a label/commitment.

    And I think any guy that doesn't want one is: a) not looking for anything but a$$, b) just got out of a relationship, or c) already has a g/f.

  9. loveskeptic says:
    Wed, 3rd Feb 201011:28 am 

    Exclusivity is a huge subject among partners especially if they are sexually active. I have been 'dating' a guy for a month now and I wonder when we should have this talk. Although I enjoy being single I also love all the comforts of a relationship. But, ultimately if you act like bf/gf then there is no need to reject the idea of a relationship. Proposing this is all based on how long and often you see each other and if there is compatibility. I think after a month or two of dating is sufficent to ask this question.

  10. sara says:
    Wed, 3rd Feb 201012:46 pm 

    This happened to me I was seeing a guy daily for an entire semester and finally brought up this topic. We weren't just hook-up buddies I genuinely thought he cared about me because we spent so much time together and he'd take me out. But once I brought it up things got weird, because he is very scared to commit. I never quite figured out why. I think its because he has only been serious with one other person and a relationship is a big deal to him… although… a relationship is a big deal to me too… things just kind of fell apart after I brought up a relationship :(

  11. thehatingexpert says:
    Tue, 9th Feb 20108:09 pm 

    http://thehatingexpert.wordpress.com/2010/02/09/d…

  12. The Campus Socialite says:
    Wed, 10th Feb 20109:28 am 

    Love the Article and The Comments: Check Out Going Out in Style: How to End an Awful Date… with Some Humor (Part One of A Two Part Series)

    http://www.thecampussocialite.com/?p=9612

  13. Nina says:
    Sat, 13th Feb 20109:11 pm 

    HUGE problem for me. But then I feel like I'm lying about it the entire time. It's so much easier to pretend to not care and be closed off… ugh

  14. Chelsea says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20105:27 pm 

    What I've figured out is that given the length of time (1 month= too soon & you'll come off as clingy/needy), it's not the words that'll send them running. If the guy wants a relationship with you, he'll make it happen. No matter the circumstances- ended a relationship, never had a serious relationship, etc. If he doesn't want to be boyfriend-girlfriend official, then HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This is an idea that as girls we really need to stop taking so personally, because honestly, its not that we couldn't get ANY guy, we're more picky and think about it! How many times have you just stopped texting a poor shmuck hoping he'll get the hint that you're just not into him.

    I too decided to start things up with a long-time friend of mine and it lasted 7 months. Believe me, I never would have stood for the crap he started to pull after 3 if I hadn't already known him for years prior. I'm one that loves honesty no matter how brutal, and I asked him straight up to tell me whether or not he wanted to become official boyfriend-girlfriend. He side stepped and disappeared for a good month. From a duechey fling that had been flung, I'd have expected nothing less, but from a long-time good friend, I expected him to not be such a b*tch. The truth that he's still not willing to speak- he's just not that into me.

  15. Seth says:
    Thu, 17th Jun 20106:07 am 

    i would just like to put my opinion in and say that it depends on the situation and the guy. i'm a guy, and yes i'm looking for a relationship. not afraid to use that word, but when i find a girl i'm interested in she either has no idea what she wants, completely blows me off, or just wants someone for that night. i was with a girl for 7 years, i asked her to marry me after i got back from basic training for the army. we were engaged for about 5 months when i had to go away for the army for 2 weeks. after i got back she said she wasn't ready to get married and broke up with me in the most cold-hearted way i've ever seen, only to beg me to take her back a week later. she broke my heart soo bad that i couldn't do it, now i'm the one who is sad and depressed while she moves on with a new guy like nothing ever happened. don't understand women at all and probably never will, can't find a GOOD woman who wants someone who will treat them like a queen

  16. Justice says:
    Fri, 24th Sep 201011:20 pm 

    Well i can speak on this cuz currently im still going through it but the only difference is its been two years and we still arent official, we never really argue but once and that was summer break and thats becuz i asked him about a female on campus that i heard he messed wit and said he didnt and i found out through one of his friends and it got ugly. After

    that a week before classes started we started to message

    each other again after a month, we spent almost every night n each other room, ordering food for each other and buying each other groceries. friends knocking on each other door looking for each other, even calling each other phones asking for the other but everytime i would bring up da status of wat we were he would be on that im not ready, or i dont want to be until i graduate or you make me want to be i dont want everybody n our business but i care about u! and this year going n 2 my third year i got a place off campus so i wont be close but all he does is say come see him he wants to chill_, he likes hanging wit me and when i say no he keeps asking almost everyday, i feel bad but he doesnt want a relationship, i think two years is long enough! way too long!!!

  17. Russian Lady says:
    Sun, 3rd Oct 20108:18 am 

    Why do as we say, send the person whose messages do not know? Ask me how's he doing and what he's doing, not knowing what he was doing before and how he has been the case! I'm not giving up the possibility that when meeting someone and get closer! But mostly on familiarity and then build a life man! Birth, it is also a kind of familiarity with the mother! And then? Relatives friends, colleagues … I'm going to that extreme dating the right person, he can not live without them!
    http://www.lbride.com

  18. J-Lou says:
    Tue, 9th Aug 201112:20 pm 

    Why is it that nearly every guy ive met seems to love the idea of sex, but cant seem to show any committment towards me? Thats what I dont like…. I want to wait before I sleep with someone – so I know that he actually wants to be with me, rather than just being **** buddies….

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