Tuffy Luv Talks PDA

February 2, 2010 Posted in Advice, Relationships

Got a question for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for answerundos.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I just started dating a boy over the past couple months and everything has been going really well. As of late though, we have started having little arguments mainly over the same thing: he doesn’t like public displays of affection. Like, any. We can’t hold hands in public and even if I haven’t seen him in days, I can’t even kiss him on the cheek.

This wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that he feels completely comfortable breaking this rule at certain times. Every once and awhile, he’ll start a spur-of-the-moment makeout session in public. This only leaves me completely confused. If I ever initiate something, it’s a big problem. But when he does it, there is no problem. He’s also completely comfortable being platonically affectionate with his female friends (hugging or cuddling with them). He can’t seem to make up his mind and I just end up feeling confused and rejected. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Hot & Cold

Dear Hot & Cold,

Red flag!!! “He’s also completely comfortable being platonically affectionate with his female friends (hugging or cuddling with them).” RED. FREAKIN. FLAG.

This is not a guy who happens to be conservative. Cuz, frankly, Tuffy might find that a little sweet. No no no, this is a guy who wants to be in charge of dictating how you show your affection and when. Read Tuffy’s lips: Con-Trol-Freak.

You say: “We can’t hold hands in public and even if I haven’t seen him in days, I can’t even kiss him on the cheek.” And then you say sometimes he randomly just makes out with you in public. Girl, he is playing you like a fiddle (a really cute fiddle, but still). He’s making sure that he makes the decisions here. He wants to be the one controlling not only the relationship but even how other people perceive the relationship.

Of course, if that’s what you want, that’s fine. Some girls are into being told what to do. It’s certainly not my cup of tea (or coffee, or milkshake, or wine), but who I am to tell you what to do in your relationships?

Oh wait–I’m an advice columnist.

Girl, dump his ass and find someone who lets you have a say in when you get to kiss.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

525865 CommentsTuffy+Luv+Talks+PDA+2010-02-02+18%3A00%3A48Sara+-+NYU on "Tuffy Luv Talks PDA"

M says:
Tue, 2nd Feb 20109:39 am

Um…could I just add that maybe you should have a talk with him before going ahead and kicking his ass to the curb? First of all, nobody–not even Tuffy–can see into the minds of all the world's guys (especially ones she's never met). The issue here could be something complicated and personal. You can't just fit everyone into molds like "control freak" or "conservative guy" or "commitment-phobe".

Also, even if you still end up breaking up, it's still good to try to understand why people do the things they do. It could be valuable experience for next time, and you'd feel the satisfaction of having closure and understanding what this guy's problem really was.

I usually think Tuffy gives great advice, but in this instance I find it lacking. Any relationship–and any fair, reasonable breakup–involves communication, understanding, and sometimes forgiveness. I think you should try at least the first two of those, and maybe even the third.

Falalala says:
Tue, 2nd Feb 20105:08 pm

Just dump him! See how he feels being like that, with NO control!

Fyndy says:
Thu, 4th Feb 20103:11 pm

So M. Complicated and Personal? What, a guy doesn't have any problem with displaying affection to his PLATONIC girlfriends, but has an issue with his girlfriend? Talk to him? And what is he going to say? "I'm comfortable hugging and CUDDLING with my platonic girlfriends, but not with you."

I agree with Tuffy. So many red flags here it's not funny. I was with a guy like this and let me tell you he was controlling in more than just PDA.

"Any relationship–and any fair, reasonable breakup–involves communication, understanding, and sometimes forgiveness. I think you should try at least the first two of those, and maybe even the third."

Right, and that's going so well obviously, that she has to write to an advice column to figure this out. And I wouldn't be so quick on the forgiving end. Next thing you know he'll be asking for forgivenss as he does something much worse than tell her she can't give him a kiss in public.

I was with a controlling guy just like this. Get out now.

S says:
Fri, 5th Feb 201010:13 am

Sounds more like he doesn't want others to know about your relationship. Have a serious talk with him… What if he's cheating

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