Losing Your BFF… to Her Boyfriend

February 8, 2010 - 4:00 pm By Jessica - Hofstra
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Ah, the new relationship. A time to learn everything about one another, to cuddle (a lot), to hold hands whenever you can, to have lots and lots of sex…

And, apparently, to ditch your friends.

You know, those people who have been there for you for years through every messy sitch you get yourself into. The people who you used to spend every day with and told everything to. The people you once lived with, but now only visit when you need to grab something out of your closet.

Yeah. Those people.

Did I miss something here? Was there some sort of memo that says it’s okay to ignore your friends when you’re in a relationship so you can only focus on your new guy? Is it possible it went to my SPAM folder? Because I didn’t get that and now I’m wondering why my BFF just traded me in for a BF.

Let me just say one thing: I have nothing against relationships, especially the honeymoon stage – everyone knows that’s the best part. And I can completely understand pushing your friends aside a little bit to be with your boy a little more in the beginning. It’s normal, and happens with almost anyone. But what is not normal is girl who completely ditches her best friends the entire time she is in a relationship and then comes crawling back, usually with no apology, the second it’s over.

I have a best friend (although I am starting to reconsider calling her that) who has done this to me twice already, and is going for the numero tres right now. The day she and her boyfriend made things Facebook official, she was suddenly MIA. My friends and I weren’t surprised at first – we figured we’d give her a few weeks and then she’d be back. After all, who can go THAT long without a girls night? Except that didn’t happen.

It’s been almost a year now, and she is still spending every bit of her spare time with this guy.

She doesn’t come out us to the bar anymore because her boyfriend really isn’t thrilled with the idea. She doesn’t call us to meet up for coffee or catch a movie when she’s bored. She’s not there on Saturday mornings when we lay around and recap the night before. The last time we hung out, we went to the restaurant he worked at so he could serve us… and spent half the time watching them make googly eyes at each other across the table.

Every time she’s with us, which is extremely rare, he’s all that we hear about – how cute he is, what sweet little thing he did that day, every tiny detail of any kind of fight they had. She is constantly giving us advice on finding a boyfriend, adding insult to injury and saying things like, “You guys really need to meet a guy like mine. He makes me soooo happy.” Because, obviously, being single is something that needs to be fixed. And not that we have any problem getting to know her new boyfriend, but it’s more than a little annoying when she invites him everywhere, not even considering the fact that we might want to spend a little time with JUST her.

But my favorite is that we usually only get a call from her when he’s busy. And she doesn’t try to hide it either – asking if we want to hang out and adding in the fact that her BF is at work, sighing heavily to let us be absolutely sure that we are only there to entertain her until he comes home.

WE ARE SICK OF IT.

Not only do I miss my friend a lot, but it hurts to see her throw away our friendship like this! It makes me angry that she doesn’t care about me like I thought she did, and it makes wonder if she ever really did. I mean, what kind of true friend just shoves someone aside because a guy is suddenly interested in her? How can someone just ditch people like that? And how could I ever care about someone who doesn’t realize how hurtful it is?

I don’t know the answers to any of those questions, but I do know that I’m starting to want my friend back less and less. And that thought doesn’t even makes me sad anymore.

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27 Comments   Posted in Relationships
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27 Comments on "Losing Your BFF… to Her Boyfriend"

  1. Erin says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20105:00 pm 

    Same thing has been happening to me too for the past year. I had a boyfriend and yet I still made time for her, sometimes even over my plans I had with him, because I thought friends were more important. Yet, my ‘best friend’ isn’t even official with this guy – he’s basically using her as a booty call, but she’s holding out hoping he will change his mind while pushing away friends. It got to the point where if I ever wanted to do something with her I was her back up plan in case he backed out, that’s just b.s. We’re no longer close like we were and it’s sad, but it’s better than feeling like trash.

  2. belle says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20105:37 pm 

    Ugh, this sounds terrible! I don’t think I could put up with that for 3 rounds! (I’m surprised this is the 3rd time too b/c this totally sounds like “It’s My First Boyfriend!!!!” syndrome.) It’s totally understandable that she wants to spend time with her boyfriend and I’m glad they’re still so in love (I think with good relationships the honeymoon period can last up to 3 years:), but he should be just part of her life. Otherwise it’s just co-dependent and creepy. She really can’t talk about ANYTHING but him? What happened to her outside interests and you know, being a whole person? And the fact that she condescends to you and your friends about being single is so warped. I hope she grows up and realizes what she’s missing out on.

  3. Guy says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20106:20 pm 

    Have you discussed this with her? It was not mentioned in the article. A lot a people can be passive aggressive and secretly harboring resentment to your friend, who may in fact not even realize that you are hurt, only makes you more upset and leaves your friend clueless. So why not let you know how you feel in a way where she will not go on the defensive.

  4. Tamara says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20106:29 pm 

    I have a friend sort of like that one, and it sucks (probably also because I don’t even like the guy); I do have a boyfriend too, but I care about my friends just as I care about him, and also, there are somethings I love about life (like dancing all night long or watching “Love Actually” over ice cream) that I can’t share with him.

    My advice: don’t even bother. Life alone punishes that kind of girls who are not their own person but are defined by the one they’re with. They get to be the wives of this world: no career, no hobbies, no friends, just a guy. And that is enough bad for a person…especially because most of the times, they’ll break up to see they have no life left.

  5. Roberto says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20106:36 pm 

    Damn Tamara, that was extremely bitter. Just have a talk with your friend about your feelings, not wish her hell! jesus an eye for an eye and the whole world will go blind

  6. tissue says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20106:38 pm 

    My best guy friend is now dating my friend. I can’t decide if it’s better to be ditched or be on the receiving end for both of them when things go bad/good/their therapist.

  7. Roberto says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20106:51 pm 

    its probably a good idea to now get some new friends, just sayin

  8. b says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20108:11 pm 

    One of those “wives of the world, Tamara? What did you mean by that? I’m extremely happy to be a wife, and you know what? I still have my girls’ nights out, he has his boys night out- whatever- we have stuff we do together and stuff we do with our friends… you sound like a completely bitter, jealous person. PS I also have a job, several hobbies, and a life as well…

  9. Ihatestupidpeople says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20108:13 pm 

    I think the fact that you are caring less and less about the friendship shows that you don’t need her as a friend. If this is the third time she is doing this who knows if talking to her will even get you anywhere. When the relationship ends she’ll come crawling back to you and that’s when you make it known you don’t have time for people that don’t respect your friendship. THAT is when she will truly learn her lesson.

  10. Been there says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20108:45 pm 

    I rarely comment on CC articles, but this one really hit close to home. I had a really amazing best friend – you know, the one you made on the first day of school? That you talked to every day on the phone? That you called when you got your period for the first time? The one you swore you’d be maid of honour for?

    Sadly, once we hit high school, she became oblivious to me whenever she had a boyfriend. I tolerated it at first, but since she is a serial-monogamist, I got a little tired of it after her third boyfriend. I made a lot of effort to keep in contact with her and keep our friendship alive, but there isn’t a lot you can do if your friend isn’t willing to put in the effort too.

    Now that I’m away at university I see her maybe once over the winter break and a handful of times during the summer. It’s really sad, considering how close we used to be. But I’ve made a lot of other great friends who have boyfriends and still treasure our friendship.

  11. E. says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20108:48 pm 

    So, I’m just going to say… two of the three things you listed doing together are going to the bar and talking about going to the bar. If she no longer does the former (for whatever reason – it’s not like that’s exactly an awful lifestyle choice), then doing the latter isn’t exactly fascinating (hell – listening to people talk about their drunken antics is just depressing). Maybe you just don’t have that much in common these days? Alternately, maybe you didn’t actually have that close of a bond in the first place? Just speculating here.

  12. Tamara says:
    Mon, 8th Feb 20108:53 pm 

    I don’t hate my friend, I still love her. But I definitely pity her. It is sad to make your life about somebody else.

  13. dfuentes says:
    Tue, 9th Feb 20105:09 pm 

    I completely understand how you feel because I lost one of my best friends because of that. We don’t even talk anymore and I don’t know about her but it made me sad that she chose her BF over her BFF.

  14. Guilty as well says:
    Tue, 9th Feb 201011:37 pm 

    I am your best friend in this situation. I never understood how someone could get into a relationship and spend so much time with that other person. I criticized left and right. Then I met my bf and I see what it’s like. I’ve yet to learn how to juggle both. I constantly talk to my friends and if she was not well I’d be there in a heartbeat. But going out and meeting people etc, does not appeal to me. It’s only been a few months but with my friends living in another city, they expect me to go to them still.

    It sounds like your friend is having trouble maintaining friends. I’d say either let her know how you feel. Not blaming it on her relationship necessarily.

    It happens and maybe your friend needs to learn on her own but you should also be uderstanding as to how intense her feelings are. One day shell look back and maybe kick hersel in the butt, you don’t need to do that for her

  15. Ally says:
    Wed, 10th Feb 201011:30 am 

    OMG, I’m so with you on this one, Jessica & Been there!
    My BFF got this boyfriend a couple of months ago and this is exactly what is happening to me – all she ever does is talk about him. She’s maybe told me the SAME THINGS about him like a gazillion times already (the fact that he has a proper job blabla)!
    I ask her about her own things but she always finds a way to lead everything back to HIM!
    To top things off, it’s a long distance relationship because they can only see each other at weekends (due to the distance). Apparently, she’s fine with it but still continues to whine to me about the fact that he doesn’t call her or text her enough so she doesn’t know what he’s upto!

  16. Sara says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 201012:41 am 

    I feel like I could have written this last year. My ex best friend did basically exactly the same thing- and she ignored all of my phone calls. She ignored one too many when I was really distressed and I just gave up. It wasn’t worth it. She’d done it with her other boyfriends and I know she won’t change, just come crawling back when they break up for the fifth time.

  17. Sara says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 201012:45 am 

    Just thought I’d mention a couple more things after reading the comments.

    She and her boyfriend also aren’t official. Its kind of a closet relationship.
    I also tried to talk to her about it and she told me she had chosen her priorities.
    So, yes- five years of being best friends down the toilet.

  18. indi says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20104:01 pm 

    When I first started going out with my boyfriend I really did try to maintain my friendship with my best friend, because I knew what it was like to be ditched for a guy (she did it to me). But she had made new friends at university and all she could ever talk about was them and how amazing and cool they were. They were always going out together, literally every weekend. I got sick and tired of trying to reach out to her and we didn’t speak for a while. Then I reached out again and we went for coffee… chatted and caught up, it was like old times again and I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt (that I was spending too much time with my boyfriend). I thought we would be BFFs again after that, and I kept calling her, sending texts and facebook messages even and I got nothing back. So I decided I’m really not going to waste my time with her any longer. It’s been a year since we spoke and I still miss her now and then but not really.

    For the record – my other friends didn’t complain that we were spending too much time together, it was ONLY her. I also maintained friendships with all the other people.

    I’ve gotten a new group of friends who are wonderfully understanding. They are all in committed relationships, which makes it so much easier. People always complain about girls spending too much time with their boyfriends… But honestly? This is the guy I want to marry, he is my best friend and I love spending time with him. I love him more than I love anyone else. And having to juggle boyfriend, family, friends, university, a job and me time successfully is NOT easy. This is something that single girls don’t understand always. I know I just have one thing added, but that one thing really does take a lot of time out of your day.

    I’m not saying it’s right to go ditch your BFF and then just scurry back to her when the relationship is over, but the BFFs also have to be a bit understanding and admit that if they were in the same situation, they probably would be doing the same thing (or that they’ve done it in the past).

    And for the record, I’m NOT one of those girls who spends time with just her boyfriend. I see my man for about one week every month, then we do tend to spend a lot of time together. But we also spend time separately with our own friends and alone regularly. We both have busy lives and we work hard to maintain a balance between everything.

  19. Jackie says:
    Tue, 9th Mar 20109:21 pm 

    I’m going to have to agree with indi, if your having trouble with a friendship by all means just talk to your friend, but not before examining yourself and the situation. I’ve recently been having similar problems with my friends in this area. My two best friends both have boyfriends and had absolutely no problem with making me take a backseat to their relationships when I wasn’t in one, and I was always there for them whenever they wanted. But the minute I meet my boyfriend they decide that they don’t like him before even meeting him, and when I began to spend time with him they got mad claiming that I was being selfish and pushing them to the backburner even though the only change was that I wasn’t able to jump and run to them whenever they called. I had no problems talking with them and setting aside time to get together, my boyfriend takes time for his friends and has no issues with me taking time for mine. But that wasn’t good enough for them, and regardless of my willingness to make plans and set aside time for them, their issues with my boyfriend continued. This made it clear that their issues had more to do with their own selfishness than me. I’m not someone who dwells on my relationship 24/7 and brags about it, but I love my boyfriend and needed the support of my friends and it was very very hurtful not to have it. It is also clear that their behavior was unfounded and selfish because now it’s clear almost a year later that he is indeed a permanent part of my life and they may not be.

  20. jess missing my bffl :'( says:
    Wed, 21st Apr 20105:20 am 

    This sounds exactly like me and my bestie, ive been bestfriends with beth for donkey years and i also ahave this friend, brooke, she was going out with this guy and he cheated on her with beth and brooke found out and they broke up and beth thought she was still friends wit brooke then the next day, beth and jake were going out now beth is NOT the girlfriend type its all just for lust but jake really loves her and alot of people think he deserves better now she is not only never seeing us but she is being a massive bitch to us she has no friends but it seems like she doesnt even notice that cos when jake and beth break up she will have NOONE but she hasnt realised that! and like you said the only time she talks to me she ONLY TALKS BOUT HIM thtas all she talks about and i feel the same way is single so wrong? shes telling me how i need a bf like hers and stuff argghh! and im falling for it im really sad cos i dont have a bf and she brags about him even when she knows im upset for not having one and we used to see eachother pretty much everyday single day for AGES and now out of 2 months we have seen her once and that was when we went to jakes soccer and she woudnt shut up about him!! arghhh!! and they were kissing and yuck stuff IN PUBLIC THEY DONT EVEN HAVE RESPECT!

  21. Kristin says:
    Sun, 9th May 20107:06 pm 

    I definitely have a friend like this. I’ve been wanting to vent FOREVER about this! I’ve been friends with this girl for 6 years now…and she started seeing this guy in September I think…so like 7 months now. We have our girls nights once every 2 weeks…and she has ditched me for the last 2…and the one before that we weren’t even talking…actually….we haven’t gone out since the end of March. I tried to talk to her about it and we didn’t talk for a week…and then we get over it and things change for a week, maybe 2…and it’s back to the same old shit. She invites him out now, cuz they get into fights when just her and I go out…and they’re practically having sex wherever we are…and I’m the third wheel. This isn’t the first time this has happened…and I really don’t know what to do anymore. The easy thing is to say to make new friends…but apparently I’m socially retarded…and no one wants to take my extended hand…so I have no rock…I’ve got nuthin…any suggestions on what I can do to either get past this or fix this?

  22. biteme bitch says:
    Thu, 20th May 201011:41 pm 

    omg im not the only one thanks god(: fuck i have the same fucking problem yeah at first you feel happy for your friend who has a bf and there like so cute together but them my bff(i think) is 7/24 non stoping talking about him!! omg he told me that he love me,last time he send me a card,omg he kissed for the first time at 3:07,he ask my number,we went to the mall together,we ditch school beacuse is sucks and is stupid and we get to his house,we had sex,He said that im like one of his best gf he have ever had!! THOSE ARE THE SAME WORDS THAT I HEAR EVERYDAY!!>:I that really pissed me off really bad she only talks to me when he dosent come to school or he is a jail(he is already 16 and he uses drugs and sells drugs and my friend is 14) anyway I invited her to my house!! ok eveliin,(thats my name) im going to your house right know but guess what? i open the house yup her bf is there wtf I only invited her!!
    she said that i bitter and that i need a bf i dont need a bf!!
    wtf i dont want a bf
    and i just to be normal like it was a long time ago!!
    when we just to talk about guys No evellin my bf is the hottest!! wtf!
    uugh i just want to scream cry and tell her(I ready did and she got mad at me, how selfish she is) how i feel
    and I think she is prengnet and she is only 14
    wtf
    i dont need
    BFF COMES FRIST

  23. Sarah says:
    Mon, 7th Jun 201012:22 am 

    ugh my “best friend” does the exact same thing. she’s on her second serious boyfriend now. the first she dated for a year, and it sucked, but at least i liked him. the current BF is completely disrespectful to her and everyone else and won’t allow her to hang out with me. i’ve mentioned it to her multiple times, but she’s convinced i’m just jealous.

  24. A says:
    Thu, 8th Jul 20103:13 pm 

    I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum; ive been the best friend who turned the back, but i’ve also been the one who thought my best friend was doing the same. What it all boils down to is your interpretation of a friendship. Most people believe that friends have to be around each other, and call each other a whole lot. And that’s cool, when you are all single, but once the season in your lives change and you began dating or getting serious about someone, then friends should have the same respect for their best friend and fall back to allow their relationship with whomever to grow. If you are secure about your best friend, then what’s the problem? My best friend and I are both in a serious relationship w/someone else and we both understand that we dont have to be around each other like we used to, BUT we also understand that even if we are not around each other that we are still friends. Maybe you feel threatened that your best friend is being taken away. I agree w/some of the others who said you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel, but you also need to examine yourself and see if you are being selfish by demanding her time- u have to give her credit for realizing that you are still her best friend if she comes to you and continues confiding in you even when her relationships are over. Be a real friend to her and deny yourself allowing her to be happy, but dont try and make her feel bad for being with a guy who makes her happy or you will end up losing her altogether. Oh and not to be mean or w/e, but maybe you should find other things to do with your life instead of worrying about her and her friendship…Talk to her and if things dont change and you’re still not happy, then move on.

  25. tee says:
    Fri, 9th Jul 20106:34 pm 

    i have been reading everyones post and found it to be interesting. I am currently going through the same problem with my bestfriend and hope someone has good adivce for me. My story may be a little different but just bare with me and i know its long but i really need advice so please help. My “bestfriend” and i have known eachother every since we were younger but recently got close these past three years. We have both been through a good amount of friends who scumbaged us plenty of times for other people/boyfriends. We were alike in many ways and had the same outlook on what a good friend is suppose to be like. Getting into a serious relationship was the last thing on our mind especially since one of our good friends had scumbaged us for a boy. All we wanted to do was party together.We were hitting up bars, clubs and house parties and it had never got old, it just kept getting better and better. Dee is a year younger then me so as i was atttending my frist year of college she was still in highschool. Heres an insider you all need to know. Dee had came out to me about a year ago saying she was bi. Dee had always had a crush on one of the girls on the softball team and vice verser. About a year ago they had something going on but deaded it because she felt she was too “immature” so she claims. To be quite honest i think she stopped talking to her because none of her close friends were fond of the girl, including myself. As softball season started this year, the old feelings she had for this girl had came back. She was skeptical about pursing her feelings for this girl since i did not like her. She had stated that she would never date anyone her bestfriend doesnt not approve of because it wounly cause problems. I knew that she had said this because during this time period i was seeing a kid that she hated! But i always managed to spend time with her, shit i was with her more then i was with him! So thinking she would put that into persepctive, I told her i dont expect to hold her back from pursuing someone she likes but i do expect her to balance it out. I had encouraged her enough to start talking to her again.Well anyway, during this time period i started seeing a guy who is 6 years older than me. Dee started to distant herself a little by not asking to chill as often. I was concerned and confronted her about the situation I told her due to the age gap of me dating older and her dating you*59+-nger it was going to effect our friendship. She also had little concern but reassured me that everything will be the same. Little did she know how quick she was going to catch feelings for this person. From chillen everyday we only started to hang out on weekends. And i questioned why would only hit my up on weekends. Was it because her little gf wasnt able to stay out late? perhaps dee wanted to go to a bar but she knows her 14 yr old gf cant pass for 21! i guess this was her way of balancing it out when to be quite honest i def was not a fan of it but i learned to deal with it. I still included her in my plans i always asked her to chill and even invited her with me to get my 2nd tatt even though there was a part of me that didnt since she invite me any where.She stopped telling me things that was going on with her and her “gf” and in order for me to find out information i had to ask. I was giving up our friendship and decided to tell her how i feel.I sat there crying telling her i feel like our friendship is gone and how she has scumbaged me in many ways (which she has) and i listed everything i thought she did wrong such as 1. not inviting me to get her FIRST tatt which she always said she wanted me there 2. found out she told her other good friends more about her sex life then she told me (keep in mindr me and dee are closer then the other 2 who we consider to be good friends) 3. when her gf disrespected me she lied sayin she was mad at her turned out her gf had the upper hand etc… and her only response was im sorry. she had no answers to the questions i was asking and she claimed she didnt realize what she was doing. she claimed things were going to be different. Shortly after nothing has changed. But i wasnt ready to give up on our friendship and i had another talk with her. this time and i suggested maybe it was best if we stopped talking. For the first time she showed some kind concern and said that she couldnt believe it would come to this and she will try everything in her power to make things right and its all hitting her now. I actually had hope that things were going to change but they DiDNT! she spends all of her time with this girl. We NEVER hang out anymore and when she texts me i actually question whether i should text her back or not since our convos only lasts about 4 texts. I really dont know what to do any more should i just end my friendship with her and move on? I been scumbaged too many times in my life and knowing that she knows that hurts me even more. She has completly changed and i am sick of trying to make things work. I have lost 2 bestfriends in 1 year over their gf/bf!

  26. Jerri says:
    Wed, 21st Jul 20107:40 pm 

    I keep reading these comments and I feel everyone’s pain… My BFF and I have been together for 12 years and we did everything together. Even when she went off to dorm at college and made a bunch of new ‘cool college friends’ she at least would often chat me up online. Now that she also has a boyfriend our conversations are often cut short even online because her boyfriend is over and ‘wants to cuddle’ or ‘is bored and wants to go out and see a movie’. It drives me insane because I suffer from severe social anxiety so its hard for me to make friends because I’m literally stuttering, shivering, and panicking when I meet new people so I have at most two good friends in the whole world so to lose her after so many years is a real tragedy for me.

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