Sexy Time: Are We Breakin’ Up?

February 11, 2010 9:00 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Kelly g+ page

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

This song has been in my head for weeks, probably because perfectly describes what I’m living through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend.


By Kelly

Except not really.

Long-distance was not working out for us, so we tried an open relationship. When that didn’t fix anything, I ended it… two days before going to visit him for two weeks. Awkward much? I visited and we carried on like nothing had changed, promising we would start acting broken up once I left.

I’ve been home for over a month now and we still talk every day. He asked me to be his Valentine. I’m visiting over spring break, which also includes our one-year anniversary, and we’re still celebrating it. I’ve been on two dates, and each time felt like I was cheating. How could anyone call this broken up?

My situation may be especially strange, but I know many of my friends have been in similar positions. It’s hard to let go of someone, and usually that means a break up is more of a process than an event. You end things, cry, drunk dial, cry, sleep together, cry, keep sleeping together, get it together, stop sleeping together, move on. It ends up looking something like this.

And now that I’m in it, I’m confused. I know that I’m probably not going about this right, but I’m not sure what right is.

Can break up sex be right?

What do you girls (and guys) think of sex with a recent ex? Is it a normal part of the break up process? A good way to get closure? An immature means of trying to hang on to the past? A sign of a deep fear of being alone?

I personally think it varies for everyone. I have friends that have had break-up sex once, then moved on and never looked back. I’ve also had friends that have kept sleeping with someone who broke their heart hoping he would change his mind. How do you know which one you’ll end up being?

This is one topic I’m just not an expert on, so I’ll leave it up to you guys to debate in the comments.

Break-up sex: good or bad?

13 Comments on "Sexy Time: Are We Breakin’ Up?"

  1. Leah says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20105:20 am 

    I dated a guy a summer and we ended things before I went back to school because long distance didn't make sense. We had sex when I was home at Christmas, because neither of us had been sleeping with anyone during the semester. All though we both still care for each other, the time allowed us to be emotionally unattached from the situation so it worked.

    I think you need to have spent time apart, and not want to get back together if you want to have sex with an ex and not get hurt.

  2. Kimberly says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20106:08 am 

    Depends on the situation with you and your ex. If you still have feelings for your ex and you're trying to get over him (which is what happened with me), it can sometimes fool you into thinking the relationship might still work. If there are no feelings, it's completely fine.

    With a long term relationship, I think it's hard not to make the break up a process. It's really difficult to completely cut everything that you've known and done for the last few years off all at once. At the same time, that can make everything more confusing and harder.

  3. Anthony says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20106:09 am 

    I was with a girl for 5 months and had to move away so we decided to do a long distance relationship. That never works of course so we were broken up within a month but I still talked to her everyday. I had planned on visiting her a few times but we always got in a fight and I canceled. Finally, I went to visit her for her birthday last month, we ended up getting back together within the week i was there and now i'm moving back to live with her. I think if it goes down like this and you guys are still talking, you really both know in the back of your minds that you're good for each other and you might as well just stick it out cuz you are always gonna be thinking about that person no matter what. Otherwise somebody is getting the wrong idea with the break up sex and will end up getting hurt a lot more in the long run

  4. Vanessa says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20106:53 am 

    I did this with my high school sweetheart after he left for college. We would see each other, act like we were together, but were very clear that we were both single. Very confusing. We did end up getting back together, but once the novelty of being able to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend again, things went down hill pretty fast.

    I'd say go ahead and fuck his brains out over spring break and then try to walk away. You might just have to go along with this back-and-forth until something ultimately pushes you one way or another.

    Best of luck!

  5. Erich says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20107:09 am 

    Some of my friends are going thru this now, I on the other hand already have and I will tell you the same thing I tell them, No good could possibly come from sleeping with your ex, they are your ex for a reason, you're just holding onto the past.

  6. Lola says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20101:14 pm 

    Never done it, not to say I wouldn't, but it has not worked out well for those I know who did it. I usually get it from the guys perspective, but I've seen their exs become a bit obsessive when they continued to sleep together. Even after it stopped the girls didn't. Just try not to be that girl.

  7. s says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20101:32 pm 

    sounds like the relationship my "ex" and i have. we recently broke up (about a month ago) but we still talk almost everyday, and we have had sex quite a few times since then. while the sex is AMAZING, it kinda left me feeling numb and having to remind myslef "we're just friends. we're just friends. we're just friends." to keep from getting lovey dovey with him again. I don't think its healthy honestly, unless you guys didn't breakup over a serious issue. I can't say thats the case for my ex and I, we had A LOT of problems in our relationship..so i'm trying to get over him and not continue this cycle. I guess logically its BAD for you, it just makes things more complicated. But its hard to let go.

  8. Alice says:
    Thu, 11th Feb 20106:50 pm 

    Yeah I've done so. Then again, we were not broken up all too long, only a little over 2 weeks. It was pretty bad though. But we had a lot of pent of sexual frustration, but it wasn't until we both reached a point of mutual understanding about the breakup that we allowed ourselves to sleep with each other.

    Sex was sorta like the floodgate that unleashed our feelings for one another and we got back together.

  9. Roxy says:
    Sat, 13th Feb 20102:54 pm 

    In my opinion, the only time you should have sex with your ex is when you're completely emotionally unattached…meaning that an extensive period of separation has gone by and you've already seen and had feelings for others. But really, what's the point of emotionless sex. It's so empty. I'd rather masturbate…

  10. Lessa says:
    Sun, 14th Feb 20105:40 pm 

    ugh… i've been doing this for 8 months now. it's killing me. bad idea. bad, bad idea.

  11. Jess says:
    Mon, 15th Feb 20104:17 pm 

    i'm going through something like this right now. my "ex" and i broke up last month, his idea. we were best friends before we started dating and he's unsure of whether he wants a relationship with anyone, and he had recently been battling with depression. we decided to stay best friends because we need each other, we always have. we still hang out all the time and talk everyday. neither of us is seeing anyone else and when we're together, we act like a couple still, even in public. we hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and in private have sex. i sleep over his place all the time. he still calls me babe and baby. its like we're in a relationship, just without the title and i think i'm ok with it. but i def wasn't at first but after talking things out with a lot of people i decided that i could do this. he even got me stuff for valentine's day. so i think it all depends on the situation.

  12. Brittney says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20103:27 am 

    I think you're right in saying that it varies for everyone. I've been in a similar situation; but you're the only person who knows what feels right for you. Personally, the break-up sex was something that just had to happen; I wasn't ready to let go. Nothing is going to change until you have some time apart… no phone calls, including those of the booty variety, no hanging out, etc; however, you have to be at a point where you can actually commit to that. It's hard, but in the end it's worth it.

  13. Lisa says:
    Sun, 21st Feb 20105:43 am 

    My highschool sweetheart recently went away to school too. When he is home, we act like everything is normal and we are together. But when he is away at school, "When the cats away the mice will play" so you should protect yourself if you do decide to continue to sleep with him! It's hard to end it because if he was closer it probablly would work. Take the situation for exactly what it is though ! He is some where else, and you are here. MOVE ON – if he comes back and you want to work it out than you can take it from there, for now don't put all your hope into this kid and try not talking to him everyday. De-tach for a little and see where it takes you.

Tell us what you're thinking...