10 Things We Never Need to Know About Our Man
It’s no secret that everyone wants honestly in their relationship, but there are some things we just DON’T want to know (or want them to know!). Much like you wouldn’t disclose to your man exactly what happened between you and his roommate freshman year, here’s a list of things we definitely do not want to hear from guys we’re gettin’ down with:
1. His “Number”: I admit that sometimes I get curious and I’m tempted to ask, but I resist! I really don’t wanna know how many other chicks he’s gotten naked with, especially if I’m into him.
2. Bowel movements: Even if the relationship is years old, there should still be a little mystery in the bathroom. He should tell his frat brothers about what he’s doing/did/about to do (in graphic detail) in there, not me.
3. Anything positive about his ex: I don’t care if she was pretty, smart, a good cook, or great in bed. It’s best not to mention her at all, but if he must, we prefer to hear that she was some variation of a crazy person who didn’t fulfill his needs and has much, much smaller boobies. Also…
4. He still talks to his ex: This is basically guaranteed to bring out the crazy jealous b*tch in all of us. It’s okay if they’re still friends, but we don’t need to hear that she texted him the most HILARIOUS thing today and blah, blah, blah. Just avoid an argument and stay mum, okay?
5. How often he masturbates: I’d like to think he stops that once he’s gettin’ the real deal from me. And I’d really like to keep it that way.
6. How often he watches porn: I don’t want to feel pressure of trying to live up to Jenna Jameson in bed.
7. That we’ve gotten fat: If he notices, then there’s basically a 100% chance that we’ve already noticed. And panicked. And taped a picture of Adriana Lima to the fridge. We’re critical enough of ourselves, so any comments about our body from a guy besides how much he loves our T and A will send us over the edge.
8. How hot he thinks our friends are: My friends and roommates are attractive, and I’m sure any guy who spends a lot of time with me will notice. But I don’t want to know about it. Nor do I want to know about the fantasy involving a threesome with me and my BFF.
9. Where he learned his bedroom moves: I appreciate the great sex, but I want to throw up at the thought of all the practice it took for you to acquire your um…skill.
10. What his friends think about me: And, yes, that includes if they think I have a nice ass. That’s just asking for awkward interactions down the road.