Bad Advice Women Get: You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

February 16, 2010 9:00 am     Posted in Reality  Hillary - Columbia g+ page

Let me take you way back to yesterday afternoon, when after a punishing Pilates class, I decided to treat myself to something delicious and sugary (the calories don’t count if you stuff yourself right after working out, right?). So I headed over to the Wafels and Dinges truck, an amazing mobile Belgian waffle vendor that usually parks itself near my school on Mondays.


By Hillary

Maybe my eyes were watering from the 32-degree weather, or maybe I was looking anxious because of all the stuff I had to get done later that day. For whatever reason, though, when I stepped up to get my waffle, the dude working the truck took a look at my face and started clicking his tongue disapprovingly. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he said. “Why don’t you smile?”

I was taken aback. Why was this guy assuming that there was something wrong with me just because the sides of my mouth didn’t happen to be turned up? And even if I had been upset, what made him think he had the right to pry into the personal life of a total stranger? I stuttered something vague and grabbed my food, happy to get the hell away from that truck. And, okay, still psyched to eat an awesome waffle.

Let me make one thing clear: I am not a gloomy person by nature. I crack jokes all the time, even when doing so might not be entirely appropriate. My laugh is so loud and distinctive—kind of like another notable Hillary’s famous guffaw—that my friends have dubbed it “the cackle.” Even so, I guess that everyone must think I have a natural bitchface or something, because random people are always suggesting to me that I should smile. More often, though, it’s just a command: “Smile!” There’s an implied “or else” at the end of that imperative.

When I was indignantly recounting the waffle incident for my roommate later that evening, she made a good point: “That’s kind of sexist! Nobody ever does that to dudes.” Her statement is totally valid. There’s no way that a guy walking down the street with a neutral expression on his face would be harassed by “concerned” passersby about turning that frown upside down.

I’d argue that the smile demand is as bad a piece of advice for women as telling them to introduce frozen grapes into their sexual repertoire. It implies that ladies should always be happy—or, even if they aren’t happy, they should project the outward appearance of being happy in order to put other people at ease.

If a man isn’t smiling, it’s no big deal. But if a woman isn’t smiling, she must either be a bitch or be undergoing some kind of profound emotional trauma. Being a bitch is no good because it makes you unfeminine, while revealing that you’re upset is also a no-no because it makes everybody else feel uncomfortable—and that goes against the old stereotype that women should always put others before themselves.

Well, screw that. If the way my face looks naturally is somehow offensive to you, you’re just going to have to deal with it. And that goes for all women; in what rulebook does it decree that girls have to sport a simpering grin at all times? Smile when you feel like it, but don’t go around beaming just because you feel some weird obligation to. Plus, frankly, I think that people who smile all the time are creepier than people who don’t.

The next time the waffle guy—or anyone else—commands me to smile, I think I’m just going to respond by saying, “No.” Then, after I turn around, maybe I’ll let my lips curl into a smirk. If I do, though, it’ll be because I felt like smiling—not because I’m trying to please anybody else.

**Note: the waffle did make me smile.

30 Comments on "Bad Advice Women Get: You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile"

  1. Pamela says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20105:34 am 

    such a good point! i think i have a glaring, angry neutral face as well.. but just like you, i'm a plenty happy person i just don't have a smile plastered on my face constantly. and it's really true that if you said that to a man it wouldn't be socially acceptable. same gendered minds sometimes.. will we ever grow out of this?

  2. Gwenivere says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20105:43 am 

    I understand the whole "constant bitchface" scenerio. I have that same problem but really nothing is wrong. I just can't help it. People do always ask me what's wrong and I used to be shocked that they would assume something is. But now I just explain my bitchface problem and usually my explanation makes them laugh. Funny thing is I actually have a very big smile when I do.

    However, when people asked me what's wrong I never really took offense because I knew that people just generally cared. Not that they were trying to dictate when I smile. So I really can't agree with you on the rest of your post. Honestly, I think a lot of people feel bad when they see a pretty girl who looks sad. Maybe that's all it really is. So don't be so hard on the next person.

  3. Carrie says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20106:50 am 

    I feel like I could have written this article…someone actually told me once that I had RBF (resting bitch face) just because I have sharp, dark feautures and I'm sort of spacy, so I usually just let my face fall into it's natural "bitchy" resting position when I'm daydreaming. Side note, my friends also know that I'm pretty easy going and have plenty of smiles to throw out there when I actually feel like it…and now that you mention it, it IS always men telling me to smile. Ironic, because that always puts me in an even worse mood, even if I was A ok before.

  4. Bri says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20107:55 am 

    This is a great article. I've been chastised for not smiling so many times, and people have said I'm unapproachable because of it. Well that's crap! If I went around smiling like a fool all day, I'd probably be even less approachable!

  5. Cristina- Michigan S says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20108:12 am 

    I agree! I was at a concert one time with a guy I really liked and we were in the front row. Because I wasn't dancing or going nuts, but in complete awe of the band (and not smiling), the bouncer asked me "What's the matter, you're standing there without a smile you look depressed" and then asked the guy I was with if I always look like that.

    If I could go back in time I'd punch that bouncer guy right in the mouth.

  6. Jenny says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20109:47 am 

    Ugh, I get this a lot, too. I have big lips, so my neutral face makes me look like I'm pouting.

    I remember one day, I was walking by myself and some guy yelled at me, "Don't look so sad, sweetheart! You'll get a boyfriend someday!" I gave him the dirtiest look and got the hell away from him. That comment was so unwarranted and extremely offensive on multiple levels.

  7. Katie says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 201011:03 am 

    This happens all the time, and it seems to mainly be middle-aged or older men to younger girls/women. The worst is when they are cashiers/ticket takers/bouncers, and they refuse to let you through until you smile. It's their job to smile, not mine, I shouldn't have to smile at them to see my movie.

  8. Beverly says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20101:17 pm 

    I can definitely relate! I get told to smile *all* the time. It always kind of annoys me. If I had something to smile about – I would smile. I feel like it would get tiring forcing my mouth into a smile all day long. I'm in a good mood almost all of the time, so it gets old being told to smile.

  9. Sara- Columbia Unive says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20103:11 pm 

    I get this all the time. I truly distain that I'm expected to be a happy peppy person all the time even though, everybody has those days. Everybody knows what I'm talking about. Everybody gets that way. Aside from that Hannah Montana joke, it sucks that you're just expected to laugh it off and say "I just didn't get enough sleep last night." While sometimes people actually care, the majority of them are just confused believing I should be happy.

  10. Syd says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20103:12 pm 

    Exactly, like a) all young girls should be happy all the time, and b) happy people are always smiling. I have plenty of things to be sullen about. And even when I am in a happy mood, I don't skip through fields of daisies and sing. Such is life.

  11. beth Blackwell says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20103:21 pm 

    I too, apparently have RBF- as another reader put it. I'm the one who can bust out laughing out of nowhere just by randomly thinking about something funny that happened last week, however, apparently my concentrating, or spacing face makes me look like a bitch. Dunno- don't care, LOL, if you know me, you know I have a great sense of humor and laugh/smile a lot- but honestly, if people smiled 24/7 nobody would know if/when they were really happy, and we'd all have stiff faces.

  12. Kate says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20103:32 pm 

    I can relate too. It's like we're supposed to walk around looking like we stepped out of a Viagra commercial.

  13. T says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20103:35 pm 

    I've had a singer at a concert while singing, point at me and then point at his smile. Wtf? The sun was in my eyes douche. I've also had a severely old man, stop walking past me while I'm waiting in line at the grocery store and stare at me until I smiled at him, then he left. Awkward. I don't really get chipper about waiting in line.

  14. Alex says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 20104:05 pm 

    Your roommate sounds like she knows what's up.

  15. Nina says:
    Tue, 16th Feb 201010:15 pm 

    I've once had an old lady on the bus ask me why I was frowning, and then added that "there is plenty of time to frown when you are old, now that you're young and pretty there is no reason to be sad". Seriously… I dunno, grandma. Perhaps the lovely odor of the man standing next to me should be making me smile?

  16. Irma says:
    Wed, 17th Feb 20102:22 pm 

    I have a naturally upset expression on my face and I prefer it that way because I think it weeds out the weaklings. There's no need for anyone to walk around with a humoungous smile all the time because then you would just look crazy or on meds. Peppy people are annoying anyway.

    A smile should be conserved only for the things that warrant them… like this article. :) (see that's a smile)

  17. Craig says:
    Wed, 17th Feb 20108:52 pm 

    As a guy, I think you're reading into this too much. It's not that guys are demanding that you be happy. We like to see pretty girls be happy. If you look sad, we want to cheer you up. When we see you sad, it makes us a little sad. Honestly, feel flattered that the waffle guy actually cares, even a little bit, about how you feel.

    Gwenivere has the right idea.

  18. belle says:
    Thu, 18th Feb 20108:50 am 

    yeah, i think this is just a guy trying to make conversation with you. it is an annoying route, but for some reason men think it's charming. they should find a new line.

  19. zerohundred says:
    Thu, 18th Feb 20109:17 am 

    I hate it when people do this. I always feel ashamed after even when I have no reason to. Sometimes I just want to be normal, not smile and bubbly!

  20. Carl says:
    Thu, 18th Feb 201011:59 pm 

    I'm a guy and I've actually had this happen to me as well, however the most annoying person that I can remember doing this to me was actually another guy in a night club who then proceeded to buy me a drink, maybe it is just a pickup thing?

  21. Sarah says:
    Sat, 20th Feb 201012:39 am 

    ARGH!!! This happens to me all the time, and then when it does i'll fly off the handle, get mad, and then REALLY have bitch face. I think what makes me the most angry is that I kinda feel like its a command when people tell me to be happy. "Smile!" *creepy fixed smile in my direction*.

    gr…

  22. Thanh says:
    Wed, 10th Mar 201011:54 am 

    Great stuff. collgeecandy.com is my fvaorite site.

  23. Rox says:
    Wed, 10th Mar 20106:46 pm 

    I’m glad it’s not just me! This happens to me all the time at work. My boss has been kind enough to put it on my review for the past three years. It’s really upsetting to me. I’m quiet and reserved. Why does that make me ‘unapproachable’? Maybe if I had lots of free time (like my boss does) to be on personal phone calls all day I would look more approachable????

  24. libby says:
    Sun, 21st Mar 20107:42 pm 

    this is soo true. my nickname in college was angry because i always looked mad. its not my fault if i can't keep a smile on my flippin face all day, at some point people would start to get creeped out. i want to save my smiles for when they are deserved.

  25. Leo says:
    Wed, 3rd Nov 20101:49 am 

    Not true. I am a man and get that all the time from waitresses and such. It may be in some way sexist, because men never do it to me. But it's also none of their bleeping beeswax!

  26. Leo says:
    Wed, 3rd Nov 20101:51 am 

    poster Craig is a douchebag…

    That's like "feel flattered that the construction workers whistle". Idiot.

  27. Frank Lemon says:
    Sat, 15th Jan 20115:00 pm 

    As a guy, I want to say that I get this crap all the time, so you are wrong to say that guys never get this rude question, but I do see your point that guys who fancy you will pull this card out on you(a problem an ugly straight guy like me never gets haha), so you have a point. Sorry you have to deal with such sexism :( And honestly, who wants to smile after being chastised for not smiling?

  28. Char PSI Tutor:Mentor says:
    Sat, 15th Jan 20117:25 pm 

    Exactly! I am only ever asked this question by men (not all) and my response is, "How many blokes have you said that to?".

    It is sexist, women are not on the planet to make men feel better about the world they live in. We are not decorations.

  29. Lisa says:
    Sun, 11th Sep 20113:11 am 

    I agree 100%. I have a long shaped face so when I don't smile I am accused of being sad or depressed and some jackhole gets in my face saying "SMILE! It can't be that bad!". Like wth? Where do people get off? LIke other people have pointed out, no one says that to a man. What am I? A trained seal who must smile on command when any random stranger orders me to?

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