Ask a Dude: I Want a Second Chance!

By The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dearest Dude,

I’ve waited for a second chance with this guy that I’m crazy for. I’d do anything for him and he is amazing. We get along so well. About a year ago, we had a fallout because of my mistake of telling him I love him. I’m back with him, but not romantically. How do I get out of the friend stage the right way this time?

Confusedly,
Crazy

Dear Crazy,

You’re trapped in the friend zone and Mr. Right is behind the glass but you can’t break on through to the other side (did I really just quote The Doors?). This is a predicament I’m tragically familiar with (although it was Ms. Right). I’d love to cook up cleaver quips and dish a little common sense on the side, but this time I’m forced to leave you with a bitter taste…

You can’t force someone to feel something they don’t feel. And it’s never a mistake to let a person know how deeply you care for them.

You have to accept the relationship you’re in, not hinge your happiness on a relationship that doesn’t exist. By wallowing in the masochistic madness of self-doubt, the constant fear of revealing your feelings, and therefore perpetually holding back, you’re not even able to offer everything you can to the friendship. You’re only showing him half (maybe three quarters) of the wonderful person you are and the depth of character you possess.

The boom I’m lowering sucks. No argument. But you have to ask yourself a few questions:

“Do I want to be with someone who I have to manipulate into loving me?”
“Is it fair that I have to hide my feelings in order to have any kind of relationship with him?”
“If he’s ‘the one’ for me, but he doesn’t think I’m ‘the one’ for him, is he really ‘the one’?”

Answers: 1, no. 2, no. 3, no (at least not right now.)

Now I’m not knocking the possibility of friendship blossoming into lifelong love; When Harry Met Sally… has burned that possibility into our brains. And almost every teen romantic comedy is a story about one person chasing the ideal when they belong with the best friend. But this is slice of life, not a sliver of the silver screen.  You asked how you can get a second chance, but from what you said, it sounds like he never even gave you a first.

He doesn’t love you. Not because you’re unworthy but because he’s incapable of loving you. There’s nothing you have to prove to him, there’s only what you feel the need to prove to yourself: that you deserve to be loved. You do. But you have to believe that. You have to start treating yourself fairly. Let your eyes wander elsewhere. Don’t cut yourself off from every other guy by being convinced that they can’t live up to the one who doesn’t want you. You’ll find there is someone worthy of you. And you won’t have to hide any part of yourself to be with him.

With love,
The Dude