Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: March Edition

This month’s issue of Cosmo may just take the award for most insightful published information yet. (Where’s that sarcastic font when we need it most?)

By Arielle

First we learn what kind of behavior is too freaky to fix on a man… such as someone who Tweets every time you switch positions in bed. If you didn’t know that before reading Cosmo, then your behavior is probably too freaky to fix, too.

Then we move on to several quizzes, in which we learn that we will be rich one day if we answer yes to having played competitive sports or were on the debate team in high school. Somehow I have a feeling Bill Gates was involved in neither and look at him now.

This month’s Cosmo also teaches readers how to flirt with anyone and everyone, including the dry cleaner. Because that tiny little man who cleans the stains off of my bedding is exactly who I want to take home to momma….

Oh, and real quickly: when did horoscopes start mentioning text messages and what flavor lube I’ll be interested in this month? Does that change by the month? What happened to good old advice on what to do when my friend gets mad at me on the 8^th? And why does Carrie Underwood’s hair look so greasy that it appears she hasn’t washed it in months? Gross.

But even with all of that priceless information and advice, the March issue gets even better: What his Texts Really Mean. I know, it sounds groundbreaking, right? Like the kind of information that could earn those Cosmo girls a Nobel Prize. I mean, we’ve all wondered what the hell he was trying to say and now Cosmo is going to break it all down for us and help us respond!

Well, that was the intention anyway….

Cosmo Says:  A few words, like “hey.” Translation: He’s thinking about you and is craving reassurance that he’s on your mind, too. Your move: His ego needs a little stroking, so try “what’s up, sexy?”
Arielle Says: Well, Cosmo’s right – he’s definitely thinking about you. But I’m not sure the word “hey” actually means he’s insecure and unsure. Where I’m from, it’s just a greeting. Don’t feel the need to tell him how amazing he is just because he asked you what’s up. (Also, can Cosmo avoid the word “stroking,” please?)

Cosmo Says: Questions like “what are you up to tonight?” Translation: He wants to feel out your response before putting his neck on the line. Your move: Play coy.
Arielle Says: He obviously wants to hang out with you. Or is curious about what you’re doing. So stop wasting text messages and just get to the point.

Cosmo Says: A string of characters that are even more maddening because you can almost figure them out. Example: last nit u tuk it 2 krzy. Translations: He feels like the two of you can practically read each other’s minds. Your move: Let him know you are still on the same wavelength but have no clue what that meant.
Arielle Says: This is 2010. In a world where we abbreve the word abbreviate, it’s perfectly normal to shorten words in text messages. It’s super annoying, but I’m sure it’s just as annoying for him to hear you saying “obvi” and “totes” all the time.

…Or he’s drunk.

Cosmo Says: Stupid movie quotes. Translation: It’s an attempt at flirting. He’s trying to show you how funny he is. Your move: Google the quote to find out where it’s from and shoot one back.
Arielle Says: He’s just trying to get a giggle out of you. End of story.

Cosmo Says: Anything but a straight-up yes or no, such as “maybe.” Translation: He has zero interest in trying to come up with plans for the two of you. Your move: Don’t let the fact that he won’t give you an answer stop you from moving forward.
Arielle Says: Just because he’s not sure doesn’t mean he has zero interest in making plans with you. “Maybe” he has a Halo match tonight. Or “maybe” he needs to write a paper. No need to go to extremes, ladies. Either make the plans or give him some options to choose from.