Is Patti Stanger an Anti-Feminist?

February 22, 2010 5:00 pm     Posted in Reality, Relationships  Jessica- FIT g+ page

Last weekend I spent a full day catching up on the happenings of The Millionaire Matchmaker. (Don’t judge…) In one episode, ball-buster Patti Stanger duked it out with Rabbi Something-or-Other-Stein on the topic of morality in regards to her infamous club.


By Jessica

The Rabbi’s argument was that Patti’s club is superficial and that if it is exclusive to millionaires, then those who join the club are essentially marrying for money, and not for any of the “right” reasons.  Patti defended herself insisting that her services provide men with the tools they need to have a successful relationship, and provide women with the comfort of knowing that their potential mate will be able to give them a safe and secure life if a match is made.

My first thought: If only this were the topic of discussion on the Bimah at my own Bat Mitzvah, I may have been able to stay awake.
My second thought: Wait a second, Rabbi may have a point.
My third thought: Uh oh, does this make me a crazy feminist?

Well I’m not ready to stop shaving my armpits quite yet, but I do think The Bearded One has a point.

For men, the club membership fees range from $25,000 to $150,000.  For women….it’s free.  So any women (whose physique is acceptable by Patti’s standards, of course) can be a member of the club.  They’re single, looking for love, and by joining, they may or may not be paired with the love of their life…who can jet them off to Paris for a first date.  Does this make them gold diggers?  According to the Rabbi, it does.  Money should not be the first thing that attracts a woman to a man; his wealth should be unknown until after a connection is made.

What happened to equality?  Are Patti and her efforts taking a step backward in making women equal to men when it comes to wealth and relationships? Let’s evaluate: to join, or not to join?

To join:

- For women, the club is free, so… why not? We have nothing to lose.

- It is a great jumping off point to meet men who are established professionally.

- Accoding to Patti, joining does NOT make a woman a gold digger.  It means she is interested in meeting a man that is financially stable.  It takes much more than money to make a connection, and Patti tells her girls not to put up with a guy’s “bullsh*t” even if he does have money.

- It does not make women less equal to men than if they were to meet them any other way.  Just because they are being set up on dates with millionaires, does not mean that they can’t be successful themselves.

Not to join:

- Money does not guarantee security or a life of stability. From the outside, yes, these guys look like they have their sh*t together.  Some do, I’m not claiming that all men who are successful are secretly a**holes, but I am taking a stance that just because a guy has money does NOT mean he is “stable” by any means.  A millionaire could have just as many emotional problems, if not more, than any average Joe lurking the streets.

- It is no secret that money provides us with comfort.  However, as cliché as it may sound, money cannot buy happiness.  No diamond is worth flaunting on your hand if the man who gave it to you does not make you happy every day.

- In order to join the club, men must prove themselves with money, and women with their looks.  This does sound superficial and sexist, and it does take a step backward from women reaching equality.

Like my mom always says: there’s a top for every pot.  If a loaded pot want to pay upwards of $50,000 to meet his top, well, power to him.  So, now it’s up to you…to join, or not to join?

25 Comments on "Is Patti Stanger an Anti-Feminist?"

  1. Mary says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 201012:19 pm 

    Not!! I think Rabbi is right, let the money be known after a connection is made — we shouldn't jump into heavy relationships anyways, take it slow get to know the guy and if u guys get along that's the point u start to ask more questions about financial stability and all that. Everything look good, move forward! Not so good? Reevaluate! : D

    Happy Dating :) xoxo

    Love, Peace, and Happiness

  2. Rio says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 201012:45 pm 

    While I would never join the club, I agree with what Marilyn Monroe says in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: "Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You don't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but boy, does it help!"

  3. Jenna says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20101:10 pm 

    Why does everyone have to associate being feminist with hairy armpits and craziness? I'm not attacking you or your article (which, for the most part, I agree with); I'm simply wondering how the belief that women should have equal opportunities as men became associated with such negative stereotypes. I consider myself to be level-headed, I don't hate men, and I shave on a daily basis, but I have no problem with calling myself a feminist. Why does it have to be a bad word?

  4. Katie says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20101:57 pm 

    I think there were more episodes where she seemed to be anti-feminist. I remember one where the guy said he didn't want to order his date's food and she was appalled. The etiquette coach also said that any woman that ordered her man's food was a shrew so it seems like they want to keep these outdated etiquette rules and gender roles.

  5. D says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20102:04 pm 

    I really might have liked this article except this line really rubbed me the wrong way: “Well I’m not ready to stop shaving my armpits quite yet, but I do think The Bearded One has a point”. Thank you. As a feminist (one who shaves, loves men, and does in fact have a sense of humor) I really enjoy when people perpetuate stereotypes about me! In fact I really really like when people spread the idiotic notion that in order to care about gender equality and a positive representation of women a person has to be a feminazi. It’s great that we are encouraging woman to disassociate themselves from a cause that has helped them gain respect, the right to vote, equal pay, and a plethora of other things all in the name of a good laugh. Hehe.

    That being said I can’t really have an opinion on Millionaire Match Maker because I’ve been ever so busy burning my bras, hating on men, and dancing around the goddess circle naked with my feminist soul sisters.

  6. S.G. says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20102:10 pm 

    D, you said everything I wanted to say in a completely awesome way. Thank you!

  7. Hailey says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20102:12 pm 

    I agree with D. I wear make-up, date men, shave, go to romantic comedies, but I'm still a feminist. I couldn't get past the crazy assumption that feminists are flannel wearing, non-shaving lesbians (although, that's ok too). If you believe that women should get equal respect as men, then you are a feminist. I hate to think that in this day in age, after Women's Liberation, that young women and teens are repulsed by the word "feminist".

    So next time you think "oh no, I might be a feminist", substitute "oh no, I think I might want the chance to be respected as an equal to men, not as a subordinate."

    Excuse me, I have to join D in a bra burning, naked goddess ritual.

  8. Tamara says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20102:39 pm 

    I hear you sisters. That use of the F word really surprised me. But I've been called worse (man hater, feminazi, even dyke, although I don't do girls). I'll meet you all in our weekly bra burn.

    I have no opinion on the article's topic whatsoever; I'm not sure the show is sexist, but even if it is, I think that's not the worst; how this type of shows distort the complexity of human relationships, that's what I hate the most.

  9. Erin says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20102:39 pm 

    I'm a feminist and I shave, maybe not today, but on a regular basis. I understand what you are saying and it makes a good point, but please don't perpetuate negative sterotypes about feminists. Besides I'm more worried about anti-abortion laws, equal pay and conservatives trying to make choices about my body Patti Stanger and her bimbos are low on the list.

  10. Casey says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20103:02 pm 

    Well considering its a reality show the people who participate in it likely don't have their shit together. And money obviously doesn't mean stability, look at all the crazy ass celebrities we have, they have money and are some of the most unstable people with the worst relationships. Reality show and celebrity dating can't even be classified in the same category as normal dating to the point where it would effect equal rights because its not the same thing at all. No one takes those people or what they do seriously. Ok well some people do, but those people have issues of their own if they think that stuff is actually reality.

  11. Lindsay says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20104:26 pm 

    I’m so glad that D and others noticed the feminist faux pas. I'm a feminist with a rigorous grooming routine, a penchant for Hugh Grant movies, and watch Millionare Matchmaker on occasion. We must remember that feminism is a completely internal trait; it’s just the “radical notion that women are people.”

    Just for kicks I’ll include my fave feminist quote that I have heard thus far. “I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.”

  12. s says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20105:20 pm 

    what jenna and D said. word. :)

  13. Lynn says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 20105:53 pm 

    Whew, glad to see so many people defending the feminist name! It was the first thing I noticed about the article. I hate it when women say "I'm not a feminist, but…" and then say some basic feminist idea. Hello! You ARE a feminist, as long as you think women are equal to men. Feminist is not a bad word! There are many types of feminism, and it is a shame to see the movement as a whole viewed solely through its radical extremes.

    As a proud, makeup wearing, fashion-conscious, feminist engineer, I metaphorically join D and Hailey in burning my bra!

  14. L says:
    Mon, 22nd Feb 201010:00 pm 

    Wow one little drop of the feminist word and everyone is suddenly up in arms. I can't help but wonder why all of you can't just prove your awesome womanly ways by ignoring the comment, made for a humorous jest, and show it doesn't affect who you are. I believe the phrase is to turn the other cheek, by the way I do believe she was reffering to 'The Bearded One' as the Rabbi.

  15. Lynn says:
    Tue, 23rd Feb 201012:10 am 

    L: First, I'm pretty sure everyone is aware that "The Bearded One" is the Rabbi. The shaving comments refer to leg-shaving.

    Also, ignoring something on the internet isn't going to "show that it doesn't affect who you are". It is the internet. No one can see us not doing something. If I have a comment about some language in an article, I will bring it up – that is what the comment area is for.

    What do you think happens in any forum where something is discussed that people care about? The language she uses is an example of a problem that I and others have seen. So we are going to write about that problem. Drop a line about abortion, race, or gay rights, and you will get similar responses. And that's okay. That's what comment walls are for – to let people talk about what they think about the article, big or small.

  16. Lynn says:
    Tue, 23rd Feb 201012:15 am 

    And I'd like to add – something being intended as a joke does not automatically deny us the right to talk about it.

  17. Olivia says:
    Tue, 23rd Feb 20103:02 am 

    Wow, would you look at that. I kind of feel sorry for you, Jessica (writer of this article). It is certainly not your fault that people are a bit touchy, or that this generation may have a preconceived stereotype about feminism.

    I'm a feminist. I believe in equal rights for men and women. (And yes, I shave, don't hate men, love me some Vicky's Secret, bla bla bla). But wow, girls! Steady on. If you stopped taking yourselves so seriously then you might be able to enjoy this article for what it is – a humourous piece about a kind of ridiculous topic. You come out here with all guns blazing, arms up, ready for a fight, and there doesn't seem to be a fight to be had. I really don't think this article was meant to be a dig at feminists. Jessica did what many successful writers do: she played to a stereotype to drive her point home. And it worked.

    The idea of a non-shaving, bra-burning, naked-dancing, man-hating feminist exists because there are women who have done this. They give feminists the bad name, not a generation of people who laughed at them.

    I would say that most women believe they should have equal rights (by definition, I would say this makes them feminists), but isn't it cool that their sense of humour is intact? Try it.

  18. Casey says:
    Tue, 23rd Feb 201012:41 pm 

    Woo go Olivia! Girls I get that you want to put that stereotype to rest, but how do you think It makes you look when you can't take a joke? Like a stereotypical feminist.

  19. Siyanda says:
    Wed, 24th Feb 20102:01 am 

    I agree with both sides of this comment-debate (which, incidentally, have very little to do with the article's main point…jus sayin). Damaging stereotypes of feminists should not be perpetuated in this day and age. We don't need anymore girls growing up to view feminism as a bad thing. At the same time, we as feminists should do our best to avoid unintentionally giving the movement a bad image. I was also kind of pissed off by the article but i understood that not every bloggist will be a flag-waving feminista and thats fine.

    Onto the point: I've always thought that show was kinda f***ed up. I realized it in an interview on tyra banks when the lady (Patti, i believe) told a girl in the audience who wanted to go on the show that she was "too strong" and men don't like women who are "ambitious and talk about what they want in life and what they want to achieve". I said a silent prayer to Alice Walker for the little girls who watched that episode and may have been forever changed.

    A bit long but i had time to kill.

  20. Hailey says:
    Wed, 24th Feb 20102:40 pm 

    believe me, I can take a joke. But when you’re writing an article on a website designed for women, you should be careful. That’s all I’m saying. I’m just trying to stop perpetuating the negative stereotype of the term “feminist”, so I said something. I’m not condemning the girl who wrote this article to hell or anything, I’m just pointing out that her “disgust” for the term “feminist” might be insulting. whores.

  21. criolle says:
    Thu, 4th Mar 20107:46 am 

    Getting back to the show …

    "she is interested in meeting a man that is financially stable."

    "does NOT make a woman a gold digger"

    hmmm, so what about a guy who is "only interested in dating women with D-cups"?

    You're right Jessica, and you could have ended it with "This does sound superficial and sexist". Both ways.

    My 8th grade inner-city students called Patti a pimp. They had a less flattering word for the women she brings on the show. Even THEY were embarrassed to say what they thought of the men.

  22. Kammy says:
    Sun, 28th Nov 20105:33 pm 

    I've seen every episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker and, though she does occasionally say things that bother my feminist sentiments, an important fact that seems to be missing here is that not all of the millionaires on her show have been men. The Millionaire Matchmaker has featured several millionairesses. Also, while the women in the casting calls for male millionaires are technically in the club, they don't get set up unless they happen to be chosen for a paying millionaire. Both men and women have to pay to get the full service, and the women (and men) who are recruited for free are just there so the paying members have people to meet.
    I do think that Patti Stanger falls more on the feminist side of things. Even in her free recruiting sessions she looks for people who are smart, working, and classy, not just attractive. I can't remember which episode it was, but once she turned away a girl specifically because she seemed like too much of a gold-digger.

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