Ask a Dude: Why’s He Talking to His Ex?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear dude,

Problem: my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend texts him constantly. They were in a relationship for 2 years on and off in high school. I asked him to not talk to her and he didn’t for about 4 months. But she texted him consistently and he finally gave in and started talking to her. He said she really needed him for advice. I know this because I sometimes check his phone. Bad I know on my part but I had good reason to! Now he locks his phone and I’m worried he has something to hide. I know she still loves him; am I being paranoid? I’m in a new relationship and we have told each other we love each other already. We discussed this but I’m just not comfortable with the whole thing; should I be?


Dear Skeptical,

PUT THE BOYFRIEND’S PHONE DOWN! I want to discuss with you the theory of cause and effect. If you invade someone’s privacy by, say, stealing his cell phone and rummaging through his texts, what effect do you foresee this having?

1. He finds your lack of trust in him endearing.
2. He decides to let you inspect every aspect of his life on a regular basis.

Hint: A and B have never happened in the recorded history of human civilization.

Alright, you’ve been punished. Now, take a few deep breaths and let’s hash out a battle plan.

I admire that you two have tried talking this through. A term you’ll have heard of if you ever went to a shrink or at least watched In Treatment: setting boundaries.  However, be careful of being misled by the term boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t dictating what your boyfriend can or can’t do, but what you can or can’t accept. You don’t tell someone to stop talking to their ex, you tell him you won’t accept him continuing to be involved with his ex when he should be involved with YOU.

There’s a clear emotional chain in situations like these. You don’t trust his ex. However, that really implies you don’t trust him with his ex. This indicates you don’t trust him to be faithful to you. Therefore, you have concerns or doubts about the relationship and want to make sure you don’t get hurt. Your fears lead to panicked and obsessive behavior that will cause the deterioration of your relationship. YOU’RE SPRINTING TO THE BREAK UP!

The mantra for any relationship that lasts beyond bouts of doubt and jealousy is the following: “communication is key.” You have to talk with him again. Try asking him some of the following questions:  Why does he feel the need to keep indulging his ex? Is there anything left unresolved between them? What are his fears regarding your relationship? If the situation were reversed, how would he respond to it?

There are a couple of less realistic and less recommended methods of dealing with an ex. The first way entails you finding and beating the holy heck out of her. While this is a fantasy for some men (of course the “fighting” involves either a bed of pillows or a pool filled with melted chocolate) it most likely would end with scars and assault charges. Option number two is that you take a vow of silence and wait for either something or nothing to happen. This may result in you driving yourself insane and escalating your obsessive behavior (he doesn’t have a bunny does he?). Yet a third way is to wash your hands of the relationship. We all know where that road leads (a month’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s, a Chuck marathon, and your room reverts to a jungle of clothes).

So save yourself the legal fees, straightjacket, and heartbreak induced weight gain. Talk to your boy. Apologize for swiping his iPhone. Ask him what’s tying him to this ex and tell him what you can or can’t put up with before it ends the relationship. Or become the next ex that won’t go away.

Closing the Ex File,
Agent Dude



  1. Lauren H - The New S says:

    Ex's are tough territory. My guy is friends with pretty much all of his exes and they call him for advice and stuff. He's always been really open about ti so I don't feel jealous, but I can totally see why that would bother you. It all comes down to trust, I'm with the dude on this one

  2. Allison says:

    I'm in the same scenario with Nina, I'm the ex-gf and i still talk to my ex. My current bf and I have gone through ups and downs, and in the past couple months, I've finally gone and apologized to my ex for how I treated him. Sometimes, there are unresolved issues that the ex just wants to share. My ex and I dated our last year in high school and did a ldr for our first year in college when we both realized that we weren't really able to keep the relationship going. We stayed friends our sophomore year, but over the summer and into our junior year I started dating my current bf and stopped talking to my ex. I shouldn't have done that and i felt guilty for most of the past year and a half. Finally, this past Christmas I went and apologized and he and I are back to being friends.

    Now he has found a great girl who makes him really happy. I've started backing out and not texting him as much because I don't want to be the crazy obsessive ex.

    Recently, my boyfriend and I went through a very hard time and the person who knew how I felt was my ex, and I ended up calling him and asking for advice. Since he and I had gone through a similar situation when dating, he told me how he felt when it happened to him. It helped a lot and now, I'm about to meet the new girlfriend. I wish I could let her know that if she told me to, I would completely leave him alone if it made her feel better.

    I'm hoping that won't be the case or she'll understand that I'm in a relationship I want to be in and that I see my ex ONLY as a friend and the only person I still talk to from high school. She sounds like an amazing girl and a great match for him! She seems to be a much better fit for him than I was.

  3. Nina says:

    Just to put in my two cents… Although it is not a common scenario, maybe the ex just really wants to be friends with the guy.

    I know it sounds naive, but I know this because I'm that ex now! I was with a guy for over a year and after we broke up we stayed friends. Not the closest kind of friends, but we occasionally talk or chat on facebook. I have absolutely no intentions with him whatsoever – I'm over him and I like someone else now.

    The thing is, he is studying abroad now and has a new girlfriend, and I don't want to cause any problems for him. I ever considered not talking to him anymore and asked myself if I would like to be in that kind of situation and how I would feel if I was her. However, after our breakup I was heartbroken for a while, but we both decided that we valued eachother as friends too much to just cut off all contact. Of course, given all the leftover emotions at the time, it was hard for the both of us, but we got trough it. As much as I'm happy for his new relationship, I worked hard to maintain that friendship and I'm not giving it up just like that.

    That being said, there are a few things I did differently since he started dating: i stopped texting him because I don't want to interrupt in case he is with his girlfriend. I only leave private messages for him on facebook. I don't initiate our chats on facebook or msn in case she is in the room. There is obviously nothing to hide; however, there are ways to be "the friend" and not "the ex", even though we have dated. And if there is anything I can do to prevent this girl from feeling uncomfortable. I mean, she knows about me, so I'm guessing she is not really jumping with joy about it, but I don't want her to think there is anything there, and i certainly don't want my friendship with him to affect this or any relationship he might have in the future.

    1. Jessica says:

      I feel like if there's "obviously nothing to hide" and the girlfriend knows about you, why would you only message him on fb in private? I agree with what @Nina said. I'm in the exact situation now where my boyfriend is talking to his ex on fb through private messages. He's told me some of the names of his friends that are girls but only after I ask about a girl. I don't know why he feels a need to hide the fact that he's talking to them if there is nothing wrong. I know my own insecurities and issues with my boyfriend are meant for me to deal with and I'm really not trying to judge all of the girls that he talks to on fb through private messages. However I don't understand why they keep hitting him up either. I do not talk to any of the boyfriends I've broken up with since I started dating my boyfriend because that would be wrong in a relationship. You can say your feelings are over for your exes but I feel like everyone still feels attached to their exes in some way. Wanting to keep contact with them makes it seem like your not over them. I'm just talking in general, but being the girlfriend who keeps hearing about girls he's talking to on fb in private is no picnic. It's frustrating, isolating, and I do feel like it's driving me crazy. Why can't these girls move on? and why does he feel the need to still talk to them if he's satisfied in our relationship? I feel like he's not if he is still talking to them.
      Lately I found out he was talking to an ex, who he randomly brought up in conversation the other day as his best friend's "friend". I knew her name because one of my friends who used to know him told me the girl he is talking to is his ex. She initiated the conversation, but he's continuing it. I wish he would just talk to these girls in public on fb bc when they talk in private messages it seems like both of them are definitely trying to hide something. I saw the messages on his phone, and I'm trying to just keep quiet about it until something bad actually happens. It's just so frustrating because the ex is the one who started talking to him again and I'm not sure why bc she was apparently only someone he hooked up with in the past.

    2. yup says:

      you are still stuck on him boooooooooo

    3. Your private relationship is deceitful. Millions of people in the world and you can't find another man to write to? Give me a break! Leave them alone and move on…

  4. Ness - Sheridan says:

    @ Nina: I totally admire you and your ex still being friends. I'm in the same situation with mine, and I'm also dealing with my boyfriend trying to be friends with his ex, but I do have a tip. The whole "I only leave private messages for him on facebook" thing might be a bit backwards. I know when my boyfriend talks to his ex, I appreciate that it's on his fb wall for me and everyone else to read. The whole private message thing comes off as being a little sneeky, even though you don't mean it that way at all. If she knows what you're talking about and can see it's completely innocent, she'll be a lot less likely to feel threatened :)

  5. Beth :) says:

    Speaking from the other side of the spectrum- My ex and I dated on and off for 2 years in high school and broke up the middle of his freshman year of college, and I still talk to him. He still talks to me. I wouldn't suggest going through all his things, etc. but I just think you should know that you don't always know exactly what he is telling her. My ex now tells his girlfriend stupid things about when we talk that aren't even true. Which is why I don't talk to him anymore, but that is besides the point. She sent me crazy facebook messages and I knew he was lying to her about what he still had going on with me.

    So just know the whole story before you think it's just the girl texting him like crazy- because sometimes maybe the guy is texting her when you aren't around..

  6. Nina says:

    @Ness – Sheridan: haha, I know what you mean! I thought about it too. I decided to keep it private though, because their relationship is very new and I want to give him the opportunity to introduce her to the situation slowly; I dont want her to be overwhelmed with my presence in his life or to label him as "the guy with the ex", so I'll probably be getting more and more public with time, after she gets a bit more comfortable with the situation. But I know what you mean and I totally get your point!

    1. missy says:

      Get on with your life, just grow up and stop being a selfish clingy frigging hang on, meet new people make NEW friends, leave him and them the hell alone…..

  7. Leigha says:

    My best friend also happens to be my ex, so I guess I'm that girl? Honestly, how would you feel if he told you to stop talking to someone? You'd probably be pissed, so why would you expect him to just go along with it? And going through his phone is ridiculous. The fact that he just locks his phone instead of calling you out on your childishness is nice for you, I guess.

    1. ami says:

      your best friend is your ex? i'm truly interested to see how that works out for you both.

    2. Stef says:

      yeah, good luck with future relationships

  8. Radu says:

    It feels like you all got dumped by your ex, now friend. WITH that "friends 4ever" ridiculous line. Get over it, there is no 'friends' when it comes to different pairs of chromosomes. At most, he wants to know your friends – who knows what hottie might pop-up. And you must admit its done for.

  9. Bob says:

    As usual, your advice is right on. Are you sure you don't have a shrinks degree, Dude?

  10. Ammy says:

    I've been in this exact situation. I trusted him, but he was having inappropriate conversations with his ex. She put me down, he didn't stand up for me. She was overtly sexual and he was playing along with it. He gave me a reason to stop trusting him and then blamed me for his bad behavior- claiming that it was BECAUSE I didn't trust him! Long story short, he never got rid of the ex and he eventually started cheating on me with her. This is why he is an ex…

  11. Liz says:

    hey "Dude": not all women get fat on ice cream when they're broken-hearted, just thought you should know. i prefer to go out drinking and chain-smoking every night until i meet the next frog prince. also, it's not psycho to check for evidence to back-up a sound suspicion. it's not a solution, but it's better than placing blind trust in someone who may be betraying you.

    If the relationship is worth saving at all: tell boyfriend (calmly but firmly) " I'm sorry for (include any glaring mistakes you've made handling the situation and state that you understand how your actions made him feel. In order for our relationship to work I need you to completely stop communicating with your ex because I feel you are placing her needs before mine and that is hurting me. I want you to send her one last message so you can explain how and why you are moving forward and I need to see your message and any responses. If you do this for me and really end your relationship with her then I can begin to trust you again. I am not trying to control your life, I am trying to control mine." Do not apologize for your feelings. Do not make compromises about what you need. allow him to react, but don't let him push your buttons. If he wont do what you ask let him know what the consequences are (know what they are too!) and be prepared to follow through. Don't make any rash decisions. If he thinks you're asking too much then you're probably wasting your time (and youth) on him and you should free yourself up in case the right man does come along. I speak from experience.

    And DON'T be the ex that wont go away!

  12. Lisa says:

    Thanks, Liz. That was a mature, realistic answer.

    Say no to the emotional abuse that can cripple a person for a future, healthy relationship, people. This is not a gender issue, either. Plenty of men are hurting right now too over the same selfish behavior of their mate. I have stepped back many times to allow my "friends" (I hate that deceptive word since there is no such thing between two adults who have had sex) to move forward in their relationships with my true blessing (not that they need ANYTHING from me except no interference). Do you know why I was able to do that? Because I am confident, and I have learned to be alone and be okay. I don't need to childishly hang on to a dead relationship out of desperation.

  13. krissy says:

    Has anyone ever thought about becoming friends with his ex? If someone is important to someone you're dating then why can't you accept them in your life as well? It will help the ex not feel guilty about talking to your boyfriend when she needs a friend. If she is cool enough to have in his life then she must be a cool person herself. It should not be a problem if there is nothing going on between them.

    1. Suz says:

      I tried to do that except my bfs ex is there to make my life hell, she loves to send him nude photos because she knows he won't reject them and she told me straight up it's to get back at me and that I stole my current bf from her even though they were broken up. I wish he would break ties with her but he's afraid she'll become suicidal, honestly I'm not worried she is screwed up and is to attached, it's ruining my relationship with him even though he's the man I want to marry I'm not even sure how much more drama I can take from his ex and a random hookup girl who swears she has his baby but hasn't shown proof for over a year.

  14. x456 says:

    I was in a situation with my x when we first got together. He was still emotionally attached to his x. We all visited together several times, with her new partner. There was not sexual R that I know of but there was still a strong emotional attachment on her part. It did interfere with our R, there is no doubt about that. I did monitor correspondence at his request, there was nothing untoward.

    Now he wants to remain friends with me. I don't know if I can or if I want to do it at this point. Many other issues in our relationship. And he has been somewhat misleading doing this while he tries to start another relationship.

    I think for some people it is possible to just remain friends. But that does not mean it will not damage your new relationship.

    If someone won't put you first above all others, get out of the relationship early on before you're in too deep. It is not worth the pain you will go through as the only one who is truly committed in the relationship.

    Attachments are hard to break, so don't make them until you're sure the person has your best interests at heart and not their own instead.

  15. Lisa says:

    Psychologists all over the North American continent are trying to stem the divorce tide. Academia has put together good, realistic, heavily researched information and processes of how to eliminate unnecessary negative issues that damage primary relationships so we can all have a marriage that sustains us through our lifetimes. Krissy, look closely at how crazy it sounds to throw away a primary relationship that meets 3x the needs in a person's life than a "friendship" with an ex ever could over just needing someone to talk to (when there are crisis lines, counselors available, parents, girlfriends, boys who are truly friends because you've never dated, etc.). People are throwing away their future for their past. There is a reason for marriage and it is because it meets so many day to day needs that no other type of relationship can. But, the married state can never be reached if there is too much damage and interference from others. I agree with x456 that contact with exes damages the new relationship. I have seen it happen over and over again. And, all the people in that mess don't realize it until, often, many years later. What a waste.

  16. Lisa says:

    What I failed to include in that last post is that, included in the professional, contemporary research, boundaries need to be set with other relationships outside of the primary one. They do NOT recommend staying in close contact with exes if you want it to work.

    How anyone could feel good about being the ex who wouldn't go away…an ex who is inserting their needs into someone elses' relationship…no one cares if you worked hard on building a friendship. You should have considered the long term like what happens when the guy/girl gets married. Your friendship does not weigh in anywhere near a fraction of the importance of that marriage. Nor does it carry much weight while that couple is building that long term, possibly leading to marriage relationship.

    You have other options for friendship(s) throughout your life. It is extremely selfish to keep hanging on to something that is not yours to have.

  17. Jen says:

    Lisa, thank you for that input. It makes total sense, and I have been in this situation. I am ok with my boyfriend talking to his exes, but there is one that is too crazy and clingy for me to be comfortable with. They were engaged and she broke up with him. She started to interfere in the beginning of our relationship, I think just to let me know she was there.

    Anytime I told him I would like him to stop speaking to her, he would walk away angrily. It felt like every time he did that, he chose her over me. So I would remain quiet a lot of the time, and let this sad/hopeless feeling build up inside me.

    It's been like that for a year, and finally this week I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't control this feeling of needing to get out. I had woken him up in the middle of the night telling him I didn't think what he was doing was fair and that he was not over her.

    The next night he told me he would stop talking to her because he didn't want me to bring it up anymore. He was very upset and went to sit by himself. It sounded like he was crying. I think he definitely was not over her emotionally.

    This was and continues to be a learning experience. I am so relieved he was able to let her go for me and my sanity. I hate to make him do something he didn't want to do, and I still don't know if he realizes the significance, but it shows me that he is really ready to grow and move forward with me.

  18. lucy says:

    My new boyfriend of 4 months has ex's that text him and im not happy about it. One ex is his best friends sister and she is constantly hanging around. She constantly stares at him and its obvious she has feelings for him. I have told him i'm not happy about it and he is adament that he has no feelings
    for them

  19. Tiffany says:

    Hi. Ive been dating a guy since may… Have been talking to him since february. Everything was awesome at first. Then out of nowhere he becomes really distant and doesnt wanna hang out yet wont settle for just friends. I automatically think there is someone else in the picture so I openly ask him. He tells me there isnt and never will be….. He then then goes on to tell me that he has been hurt in the past and involuntarily put up a wall because he felt he liked me too much. Yesterday, he breaks down and tells me he still loves his ex-girlfriend (who is now married to the guy she met when she was with him). He said he wont let me leave because he cares about me and likes me. But he doesnt like that he’s vulnerable around me. He was crying and all so I do believe he was hurt. But should I stick around??? And if I do what can I do to help him realize that I wont hirt him? How do I break down the wall???



    1. wth says:

      I know this is 53 weeks old, but I honestly have to say something about this because it makes me so, so angry. Your boyfriend seriously has NO business getting involved with someone when he still loves his ex, that is completely unfair to you, and I am almost disgusted that you would put up with that and stay with him. Take a stand for yourself and leave him– you deserve much better. As far as I'm concerned, he deserves all the heartache he is going through over his ex if he is willing to get involved with you and potentially cause you the same grief. I'd leave that loser in a heartbeat, I hope you have since posting this.

  20. Dawn says:

    Well I think that is really good advice. I have dating my bf for 6 months. Him and his ex texted all the time. He said it was nothing, but I got a but curious….. Or obsessive (whatever) and called her up, just to see if she knew about me. Well of course she didn’t and come to find out they had been together in all ways possible since him and I had been dating. That was about 3 months into our relationship. Anyway when he found out I knew he begged me not to leave him an swore to break all ties with her. I finally conceded although I am having a very hard time trusting him and not acting like a crazy person anytime I don’t know what he is doing or who he is talking to. So on the crazy person note, and using want any punishment I checked our phone records just to see what’s going on. Turns out he texts her out the blue the other day. They exchanged about 8 or so between them and I have a really bad suspicious idea that he used his friends phone to call her. He has made up a bs story for it all and says it’s nothing and that I am just insecure and over reacting.I really have feelings for him and really don’t want it to be over, but I can’t deal with him still talking to her, even if he just pretends to dial her # I am gonna cone unglued. Guess my ? Is if I should give him one more chance or not.

  21. pixie says:

    I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex – who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect :) xxx

  22. jess says:

    Here my problem with my finance My.finances ex girlfriend called him babe or papi and other names including saying how she misses him too much and how she want to see him. Well I asked him if he still.contacts his ex but his answer was no. so one day he was driving my vehicle and he had receive a he open to read it and he just put down real quick and I ask him who was it and he just said it was his Cousin but I noticed it was not true because he been doing that alot in front of me. And one day his ex text him saying hope we can get married soon and everything.. When he already propose me to marry him. Now it like what can I do or say to him..he says he loves me and have no eyes on anyone. Can you help me?

  23. pixie says:

    Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  24. jae says:

    My bf talks alot about his.ex for the first two months we went out thats all he did what should i do all he did was talk bout them i get it they hurt you but come on im here now i told him how i felt and he stoped but as soon as they text its back on to the cring and he still as pic of them and he would read there old texts till he’s old phone broke now its just the pic i dont know anymore help..p.s we’ve been dating for 6months nowh

  25. jae says:

    My bf talks alot about his.ex for the first two months we went out thats all he did what should i do..p.s we’ve been dating for 6months now

    1. wiseguy says:

      its been 6 months, thats hardly a relationship.

      1. tell the guy how you feel, ask him not to bring up his ex. use the whole "put urself in someone elses shoes"
      how would he feel if you did the same…

      2. relax about the picture, its part of his past, dont expect him to forget all of his history just because you 2 are starting to date

      3. his old phones gone, good, no more reading the texts, good i dont see the problem?

      4. relax.

  26. Dian says:

    I’ve been with my now bf for a year and 2months now. Just recently I found he has been contacting his ex behind my back. Apparently, his version of the story is, she was leaving to work for Qatar airways and had left him a text to say goodbye. So he replied etc. more recently, he tried to seal a whatsapp text from me. But lucky for me I remembered her number by heart. And btw, his ex used to be my very best of best friends. So you can imagine how complicated things could get. So yeah, that very night the text reply came from her ( I saw her whatsapp name) he tried to denied that it wasn’t her.. And he started shaking and stuttering all. I read it and my heart started pounding profusely. I ignored it. I cried. And told him to go home. Next day,he reasoned that he was so angry with me the day before yesterday that he felt like texting her and chatting up with her. He said he did it because he was angry with me. I mean, does that give him the right to do that? What do you think? Till today he gets upset over when I bring it up. He even tells me so what, it’s just a stupid text. And that I’m acting like as if I’m an angel. He gets angry cos I think he’s in denial. Pls help

  27. strawberryblonde says:

    I've dating my boyfriend for about 6 monthes now. The beginning was a little weird because he had been dating a girl for a while, who he also worked with and they were still in contact when we first began to see eachother. That made me feel really uncomfortable. When we finalyl began to officially date, they broke things off and stopped talking. Or so i thought. A few day's ago i couldn't handle the feeling of insecurity and confusion anymore so i went through his texts. I found a conversation between him and her, and there was some things in there that i wished i new saw. She told him she loved him, he didn't respond back with a lovee you but it made me feel like complete shit that they still talked and that i can't even tell my own boyfriend that i love him yet because i know he's not ready.
    what the hell do i do in this situation??

    1. wiseguy says:

      1. never read his texts again.
      2. calm down, relax, your blowing this out of porporsion
      3. ofcourse you found something you wish you didnt; you went thro something you shouldnt have.
      4. trust the guy, you claim to love him; yet you cant trust him enough to stay away from his phone
      5. she told him something, and he didnt respond with ilu too? thats a good sign, take it for what it is and be happy for it. if he loved her he would have said so, you wouldnt be in the picture, and they would be back together
      6. since ^ the above^ hasnt happened yet, he doesnt love her.. so before the above does happen
      CHILL OUT and learn some trust.
      written by a guy.

  28. Janice says:

    Well my story doesnt even sound real. My bf is 50 and Im 47. We are together 4 years now. He was seperated for 11 when we met. We were engaged and I was told he would get divorced. Him and his ex have 3 grown sons the youngest is 26. Shes with a man livein for 5 years. Him and her talk alot of their cells and its behind my back. He has not been treating me as good so this tells me its cause hes closer to her again emotionally anyhow. I told him and her many times to cut the calls back and no one seems to care. His mom died last month and i was there and he called his ex up and she came and took him and his dad to the hospital (I was told to stay behind as i was not considered FAMILY). I was very very angry and still am about this! Last week I told him I will leave him if its not resolved……….

  29. charlie says:

    my bf and i have been together for a year and a half and are very much in love, but yesterday he got a text from an ex who i have never heard about(he told me about all his exs) so i asked who she was and he told me she was an ex and doesn't talk to her much then quickly changeed the subject which is unlike him. i let it go until the next morning when a fb message popped up from said ex asking about meeting up for coffee! i was very shocked as he said they hardley talk. so i did a bad thing and snooped on his fb messages where i found a convo about the amazing sex life they had and how she was amazing at blowjobs! this is my first serious relationship and im at a complete loss on how to deal wit it. i have told him i know about it, and im not talking to him because he has betrayed my trust and im really hurt. im not beautiful and he knows i have issues with my body image/self essteem which affects our sex life as i won't do certain stuff like cowgirl. any advice?

  30. jessicafenty says:

    I like the response of this post. Very spot on.

    If you’re feeling one kind of way over this, talk to your boyfriend. Communication is key and it cannot be over-emphasized. No need bottling things up, so harmful.

    We all have different theories and solutions but people respond differently to situations. Talk, ask him, don’t nag and be obsessive. OBSERVE CALM DOWN, BREATHE, RELAX.

    Every lady should have self worth such that she realizes that if her boyfriend goes back to his ex, or cheats, he hasn’t really cheated on her but he has cheated himself, it’s HIS loss not yours. Smile, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.

  31. KelseyTheStrange says:

    I found my boyfriend talking to his ex-girlfriend (aka his first love) on the computer. I asked if I could see what he was saying, and he told me no. He reluctantly gave in, though. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, and at one point in our relationship he told me that he would still be with his ex if she wouldn't have moved, which really hurt me hearing that from the only man I've ever loved. Their conversation involved them talking about how they had the perfect relationship and how they missed each other and how they wish things were how they used to be. They were together for only 11 months, yet he developed such emotions over her. We, on the other hand, have been together for 2 years and it seems like he still wants to be with her…It just crushes me to think about it…

  32. simi says:

    i told my guy that he should talk to the his x so that there is nothing awkward between us. but ever since i asked him he has been smiling with her, touching her and texting her. i hate it when he does that but i feel like i pushed him. i dont know what is happening between them or they are just being friends. he says he loves me and he makes me feel like im the only one but when she is aroung things just change!

  33. iqil says:


    If you love someone, set them free, if they returns, they love you. If they donot, then they were actors.and you were lucky to avoid into agony of loveless relation. It is hard to acept and preactise but it is only real way of life.

  34. smith says:

    Hi My name is “Smith" just want to share my experience with the world on
    how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 4years with
    3kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a
    fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he
    filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with
    me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but
    everything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still went
    ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing
    worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful,
    great spell caster who eventually helped me
    out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try
    reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special
    prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorry
    for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we
    continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our
    fourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems
    across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share
    my Dr

  35. colorado wildflower says:

    So…..I am guessing that if the boyfriend has contact with his ex thru texting, its ok for the girlfriend texts or speaks on phone with her old ex……what would be the difference?

    1. sam says:

      Thank you. I've been dating a man for over a year. He has been legally divorced for almost 2 years and him and his ex wife have a son who graduated high school last month. I was uncomfortable with the amount she was texting him. He said for me to hold on until after graduation. I looked at his phone the other weekend and they have been texting. I didn't read the texts but it pissed me off. A few months after we started dating I un friended all of my exes on fb as I thought it was inappropriate. Well, I have re friend ed my exes. If he wants contact with his ex, I will have contact with mine.

  36. Kristy says:

    My boyfriend wants to talk to his ex. Not text or facebook or anything like that. They go to the same school and she's friends with a lot of his friends and he feels awkward when she's around. They only dated for 3 months and he tells me it wasn't a close relationship at all. I am not at all okay with him talking to her…In my opinion, exs are exs for a reason and when you're in a relationship with someone, there is absolutely no reason the ex should be in either one of their lives. He feels like I'm being controlling, but this is just my opinion. I'm really worried about it and I'm afraid we might lose our relationship due to this…I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?

  37. Monica says:

    i met a man and fell for him. Everything is was fine and we had a great time for seven months. I lived with him even though I have my own house. He got sick and I took care of him and treated him well, I got interested in the things he was interested in and was always always nice to him and respectful. We never had a fight and he was nice to me. Well he lost his libido and a couple of months later he said it was not working and so I went home. I was broken hearted and so I did not email him or anything. He started receiving many texes from his ex who he loved very much and they had spent many years and kept on separating. He still remembers how wonderful it was and he says he is going to have to meet with her and find out what is on her mind. She will not let him go. He said she is no longer the woman he loved. He never told me he loved me but knows I love him. So finally I answered one of his forward emails and the next thing he asked me out and we had a great day but he did not spend the night with me. I texted him about something and I never heard from him until 12 hours later. He was very animated and in a good mood. We talked a little while and then he hung up. The next day I sent him some info on a job and he said he did not look at it because he has so many texes from his ex and it drives him crazy. So, now I don't really know where we stand. When I talked to him he sounded very animated and happy and he said he would always be my friend. When I left he said this was only a breather that we were not finished. So, what am I supposed to do now. I have no idea what is going on except he said he had to see her and he thought he knew what was on her mind and he is not going to take her back unless she has changed. I am so involved and do feel awful. I am trying not to bother him and give him his space. Any advice?

  38. Monica says:

    Now my boyfriend told me he decided not to go back to his ex. Where does that leave me? Am I still in the loop? I certainly do not want to chase him like his ex but I don't hear from him very often and then other days I hear more. It seems when I email about something he is interested he replies and other times he does not. He is conflicted. We had a great weekend but then there is silence. Do guys like to have quiet times at their homes or do things and not communicate sometimes. I have no idea on their thoughts. Maybe it is space they like but how much space do they need?

  39. sherri kaminsky says:

    Don't be so foolish he is talking with his ex because he still wants his ex!!! It's about a want not a need…If his new girlfriend has her head up her ass then she is allowing the cheating to go on. Well here is a good story…I was going out with my ex boyfriend for almost 2 years living together for 15 months. I had a so called friend at that time that would hit on him every chance she got because anyone she dated never stayed around past a beer. We broke he started dated her, got engaged, broke off the engagement becuase of me and has been cheating on her ever since with me. She recently found a text message from me to him and she ignorned it trying to convience herself he wouldn't cheat on her again because they recently moved into together. She did text me telling me I should leave him alone and I am chasing a man who doesn't want me…Such a joke but on her…he can't stay away and neither can I…We will wind up getting back together and for the first time truly try and figure out with the help of a counselor what the issues are. If she contacts me again through text do I blast her with the truth?

  40. Samantha says:

    I’ve been dating someone who was in a long distance relationship for three years. Recently, I saw text messages between him and his ex. Not because I was going through his phone, I acidently saw it once and he grabbed it out of my hand. The second time I looked at the time on his phone, like he asked me to do, and there it was. It’s been bugging me for a little over two weeks now. I told him it upset me after the first time. I cried a little and he left me alone that night. I tell him about every guy I ever come in contact with. I don’t care that he talks to her, I just wish he would tell me why. I don’t know who initiates a text message, I don’t know what they talk about. Last night, I cried over it, told him why I was upset and he gave the explanation that they’re just friends and he claims she told him about us, but I don’t think I believe it. I tell him everything.. And I can’t trust him when he doesn’t tell me shit, but I love him more than words can explain and I don’t know what to do.

  41. Cat says:

    Dear Dude, my boyfriend has a son and he son's mother styles their dreadlocks after all she is a hair stylist by profession. It was revealed to me in a really innocent manner as we were driving down the street together. We have been dating for only two months but I physically short circuited in the car. I behaved like a damn fool but in a playful yet crazy and embarrassing manner and he may never speak to me again. Either way, is that appropriate for you to maintain such a personal relationship with an ex. Or worse, sit between her legs on the floor as she touches and caresses your locks that I have play with constantly!!!!!!! Ugggghhh…I'm short circuiting again. I'm 45 and should know how to express myself better but I really like this guy and the thought of his ex handling him makes me sick to my stomach. Please help..

  42. ranley says:

    My ex broke up with me after being together for 3 years. He started talking to someone else 1-2 months later. He told her about us and how close we’ve always been before our relationship. I don’t know WHY he even talked about us to me or her. Anyway, he said she was worried because we work together and we still have contact there. I told him I don’t care to be involved in their spat and that it’s not my fault he’s gotten into a situation where she’s insecure or where he allows her to control who he talks to.

    I told him to get over himself and stop bringing my name up to her all the time and then wonder WHY she’s upset at him!

    What’s his problem? Sometimes I think he regrets the break up and tried to fill the void with this new person. But Oh well….I’ll never know because I refuse to be in this triangle of his!!!

    1. Iza says:

      What's your problem? YOU LOVE BEING THE CHASE! If you don't want to be the cause of a break-up or a fight, then don't entertain him. You and him broke-up for a reason; know your place. YOU ARE NOW THE PAST – MOVE ON!

  43. truely hurt says:

    well i was with my ex for almost 8 yrs have a kid together who is almost 6 now n we been together since i was 16. we were first for everything and been living together for almost as long as we been dating. we broke up back in feb of this yr n he is with someone else now but still comes here all the time, he has almost 80 percent of his stuff still here and i tell him to take it n he doesnt. she knows bout me n doesnt want him really around me. i tell him if i have to let him go he has to do the same n he tells me he cant let go. so confused.

    1. Lilly says:

      Pack all his stuff and put it on the porch and tell him to take it or its going to goodwill (or where ever you can take the stuff to donate)

  44. Wanda says:

    I actually cheated on my current boyfriend with my ex( who I had convinced.myself could still be my friend) a few times in the first 2 years of our relationship. It has been 4 years since my last encounter with my ex, I have cut all ties with him even though he had tried to contact me 2 & 1/2 years ago. I feel that my boyfriend still doesn’t trust me 100%. And I cant.say that I blame him because if I could I would still want my ex in my life in someway because he understood me more than anyone I have ever known, but I know that would hurt my boyfriend.

  45. Wanda says:

    Now I feel that I made a mistake in choosing my current boyfriend over my ex. my ex now has the life that I thought I would have by now with my current boyfriend

  46. jhonny says:

    This guy that i like alot likes me back and we are both single(we will just say his name is Zac), but Zac’s ex-girlfriend it pregnat with his child, because of the stress of his crazy controlling ex he has been really distant and hasn’t been talking to me which i understand he is in a stressful relationship, but sunday i was in a bad mood and normally when he is in a bad mood and ill ask him what was wrong and he will explain but when i was in a bad mood he just ignored it. So that pissed me off so when i left work i didn’t say bye and we havent been texting. i havent been working sence sunday morning but tonight was my first day back and out of all the places on zacs day off he comes in with his ex girlfriend and has lunch with her sits kinda close to my section. Was he trying to make me jealous? Its just odd out of all the places why would you come and eat at your work and then it be right at the time i came on. What do you guys think?

  47. sally says:

    So, this guy messaged me saying that my ex boyfriend from a year ago told him that he had sex with me and it didn’t even happen. This guy that messaged me is his friend I had no idea who he was I think my ex is telling all his friends he had sex with me and it’s not true. Why is he saying this?

  48. Mother of two says:

    I just need to know if I’m over reacting my live in boyfriend of 6 ur whom I have a family with was recently looked up by and ex gf he told me hen she requested him n have him her number which I can appreciate but this girl and him dated only 2 wks while she waited for her ex to get back w her n as soon as he did she dumped my man anyway so the situation is now after all these yes if no contact her bf yet again breaks up w her n she moves back to nj and has to be buddies again w my bf now I told him I didn’t care he spoke I her but I didn’t think it was cool if they hung out and he agreed. Two days later h is back in nj and she texts him and wants him to come visit her at her cousins house , I explained to my bf it not appropriate and h says it’s not a big deal her cousin will be there n he said he aske her before he went ” your no interested in me right” an she said no but honestly a woman like her is have to say I dnt trust she seems to b the woman who NEEDS a mans attention n I think it’s disgusting she came here to start a new life w her kids n she’s worried about being friends w her ex???? Am I wrong for feeling like the situation is a little shady???

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