Ask a Dude: Why’s He Talking to His Ex?

March 3, 2010 Posted in Advice, Relationships

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear dude,

Problem: my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend texts him constantly. They were in a relationship for 2 years on and off in high school. I asked him to not talk to her and he didn’t for about 4 months. But she texted him consistently and he finally gave in and started talking to her. He said she really needed him for advice. I know this because I sometimes check his phone. Bad I know on my part but I had good reason to! Now he locks his phone and I’m worried he has something to hide. I know she still loves him; am I being paranoid? I’m in a new relationship and we have told each other we love each other already. We discussed this but I’m just not comfortable with the whole thing; should I be?

Sincerely,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,

PUT THE BOYFRIEND’S PHONE DOWN! I want to discuss with you the theory of cause and effect. If you invade someone’s privacy by, say, stealing his cell phone and rummaging through his texts, what effect do you foresee this having?

1. He finds your lack of trust in him endearing.
2. He decides to let you inspect every aspect of his life on a regular basis.
3. He STOPS TRUSTING YOU!

Hint: A and B have never happened in the recorded history of human civilization.

Alright, you’ve been punished. Now, take a few deep breaths and let’s hash out a battle plan.

I admire that you two have tried talking this through. A term you’ll have heard of if you ever went to a shrink or at least watched In Treatment: setting boundaries. However, be careful of being misled by the term boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t dictating what your boyfriend can or can’t do, but what you can or can’t accept. You don’t tell someone to stop talking to their ex, you tell him you won’t accept him continuing to be involved with his ex when he should be involved with YOU.

There’s a clear emotional chain in situations like these. You don’t trust his ex. However, that really implies you don’t trust him with his ex. This indicates you don’t trust him to be faithful to you. Therefore, you have concerns or doubts about the relationship and want to make sure you don’t get hurt. Your fears lead to panicked and obsessive behavior that will cause the deterioration of your relationship. YOU’RE SPRINTING TO THE BREAK UP!

The mantra for any relationship that lasts beyond bouts of doubt and jealousy is the following: “communication is key.” You have to talk with him again. Try asking him some of the following questions: Why does he feel the need to keep indulging his ex? Is there anything left unresolved between them? What are his fears regarding your relationship? If the situation were reversed, how would he respond to it?

There are a couple of less realistic and less recommended methods of dealing with an ex. The first way entails you finding and beating the holy heck out of her. While this is a fantasy for some men (of course the “fighting” involves either a bed of pillows or a pool filled with melted chocolate) it most likely would end with scars and assault charges. Option number two is that you take a vow of silence and wait for either something or nothing to happen. This may result in you driving yourself insane and escalating your obsessive behavior (he doesn’t have a bunny does he?). Yet a third way is to wash your hands of the relationship. We all know where that road leads (a month’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s, a Chuck marathon, and your room reverts to a jungle of clothes).

So save yourself the legal fees, straightjacket, and heartbreak induced weight gain. Talk to your boy. Apologize for swiping his iPhone. Ask him what’s tying him to this ex and tell him what you can or can’t put up with before it ends the relationship. Or become the next ex that won’t go away.

Closing the Ex File,
Agent Dude

5524824 Comments2010-03-03+20%3A00%3A44The+Dude on "Ask a Dude: Why’s He Talking to His Ex?"

Nina says:
Wed, 3rd Mar 201012:08 pm

Just to put in my two cents… Although it is not a common scenario, maybe the ex just really wants to be friends with the guy.

I know it sounds naive, but I know this because I'm that ex now! I was with a guy for over a year and after we broke up we stayed friends. Not the closest kind of friends, but we occasionally talk or chat on facebook. I have absolutely no intentions with him whatsoever – I'm over him and I like someone else now.

The thing is, he is studying abroad now and has a new girlfriend, and I don't want to cause any problems for him. I ever considered not talking to him anymore and asked myself if I would like to be in that kind of situation and how I would feel if I was her. However, after our breakup I was heartbroken for a while, but we both decided that we valued eachother as friends too much to just cut off all contact. Of course, given all the leftover emotions at the time, it was hard for the both of us, but we got trough it. As much as I'm happy for his new relationship, I worked hard to maintain that friendship and I'm not giving it up just like that.

That being said, there are a few things I did differently since he started dating: i stopped texting him because I don't want to interrupt in case he is with his girlfriend. I only leave private messages for him on facebook. I don't initiate our chats on facebook or msn in case she is in the room. There is obviously nothing to hide; however, there are ways to be "the friend" and not "the ex", even though we have dated. And if there is anything I can do to prevent this girl from feeling uncomfortable. I mean, she knows about me, so I'm guessing she is not really jumping with joy about it, but I don't want her to think there is anything there, and i certainly don't want my friendship with him to affect this or any relationship he might have in the future.

Lauren H - The New S says:
Wed, 3rd Mar 201012:13 pm

Ex's are tough territory. My guy is friends with pretty much all of his exes and they call him for advice and stuff. He's always been really open about ti so I don't feel jealous, but I can totally see why that would bother you. It all comes down to trust, I'm with the dude on this one

Allison says:
Wed, 3rd Mar 201012:52 pm

I'm in the same scenario with Nina, I'm the ex-gf and i still talk to my ex. My current bf and I have gone through ups and downs, and in the past couple months, I've finally gone and apologized to my ex for how I treated him. Sometimes, there are unresolved issues that the ex just wants to share. My ex and I dated our last year in high school and did a ldr for our first year in college when we both realized that we weren't really able to keep the relationship going. We stayed friends our sophomore year, but over the summer and into our junior year I started dating my current bf and stopped talking to my ex. I shouldn't have done that and i felt guilty for most of the past year and a half. Finally, this past Christmas I went and apologized and he and I are back to being friends.

Now he has found a great girl who makes him really happy. I've started backing out and not texting him as much because I don't want to be the crazy obsessive ex.

Recently, my boyfriend and I went through a very hard time and the person who knew how I felt was my ex, and I ended up calling him and asking for advice. Since he and I had gone through a similar situation when dating, he told me how he felt when it happened to him. It helped a lot and now, I'm about to meet the new girlfriend. I wish I could let her know that if she told me to, I would completely leave him alone if it made her feel better.

I'm hoping that won't be the case or she'll understand that I'm in a relationship I want to be in and that I see my ex ONLY as a friend and the only person I still talk to from high school. She sounds like an amazing girl and a great match for him! She seems to be a much better fit for him than I was.

Ness - Sheridan says:
Wed, 3rd Mar 20104:00 pm

@ Nina: I totally admire you and your ex still being friends. I'm in the same situation with mine, and I'm also dealing with my boyfriend trying to be friends with his ex, but I do have a tip. The whole "I only leave private messages for him on facebook" thing might be a bit backwards. I know when my boyfriend talks to his ex, I appreciate that it's on his fb wall for me and everyone else to read. The whole private message thing comes off as being a little sneeky, even though you don't mean it that way at all. If she knows what you're talking about and can see it's completely innocent, she'll be a lot less likely to feel threatened

Beth :) says:
Wed, 3rd Mar 20105:29 pm

Speaking from the other side of the spectrum- My ex and I dated on and off for 2 years in high school and broke up the middle of his freshman year of college, and I still talk to him. He still talks to me. I wouldn't suggest going through all his things, etc. but I just think you should know that you don't always know exactly what he is telling her. My ex now tells his girlfriend stupid things about when we talk that aren't even true. Which is why I don't talk to him anymore, but that is besides the point. She sent me crazy facebook messages and I knew he was lying to her about what he still had going on with me.

So just know the whole story before you think it's just the girl texting him like crazy- because sometimes maybe the guy is texting her when you aren't around..

Nina says:
Wed, 3rd Mar 201010:19 pm

@Ness – Sheridan: haha, I know what you mean! I thought about it too. I decided to keep it private though, because their relationship is very new and I want to give him the opportunity to introduce her to the situation slowly; I dont want her to be overwhelmed with my presence in his life or to label him as "the guy with the ex", so I'll probably be getting more and more public with time, after she gets a bit more comfortable with the situation. But I know what you mean and I totally get your point!

Leigha says:
Thu, 4th Mar 201012:10 pm

My best friend also happens to be my ex, so I guess I'm that girl? Honestly, how would you feel if he told you to stop talking to someone? You'd probably be pissed, so why would you expect him to just go along with it? And going through his phone is ridiculous. The fact that he just locks his phone instead of calling you out on your childishness is nice for you, I guess.

Radu says:
Sun, 7th Mar 20101:54 am

It feels like you all got dumped by your ex, now friend. WITH that "friends 4ever" ridiculous line. Get over it, there is no 'friends' when it comes to different pairs of chromosomes. At most, he wants to know your friends – who knows what hottie might pop-up. And you must admit its done for.

Bob says:
Sun, 7th Mar 20108:49 am

As usual, your advice is right on. Are you sure you don't have a shrinks degree, Dude?

Ammy says:
Sun, 28th Mar 201011:10 pm

I've been in this exact situation. I trusted him, but he was having inappropriate conversations with his ex. She put me down, he didn't stand up for me. She was overtly sexual and he was playing along with it. He gave me a reason to stop trusting him and then blamed me for his bad behavior- claiming that it was BECAUSE I didn't trust him! Long story short, he never got rid of the ex and he eventually started cheating on me with her. This is why he is an ex…

Liz says:
Fri, 7th May 20102:37 pm

hey "Dude": not all women get fat on ice cream when they're broken-hearted, just thought you should know. i prefer to go out drinking and chain-smoking every night until i meet the next frog prince. also, it's not psycho to check for evidence to back-up a sound suspicion. it's not a solution, but it's better than placing blind trust in someone who may be betraying you.

If the relationship is worth saving at all: tell boyfriend (calmly but firmly) " I'm sorry for (include any glaring mistakes you've made handling the situation and state that you understand how your actions made him feel. In order for our relationship to work I need you to completely stop communicating with your ex because I feel you are placing her needs before mine and that is hurting me. I want you to send her one last message so you can explain how and why you are moving forward and I need to see your message and any responses. If you do this for me and really end your relationship with her then I can begin to trust you again. I am not trying to control your life, I am trying to control mine." Do not apologize for your feelings. Do not make compromises about what you need. allow him to react, but don't let him push your buttons. If he wont do what you ask let him know what the consequences are (know what they are too!) and be prepared to follow through. Don't make any rash decisions. If he thinks you're asking too much then you're probably wasting your time (and youth) on him and you should free yourself up in case the right man does come along. I speak from experience.

And DON'T be the ex that wont go away!

Lisa says:
Sat, 15th May 201012:08 am

Thanks, Liz. That was a mature, realistic answer.

Say no to the emotional abuse that can cripple a person for a future, healthy relationship, people. This is not a gender issue, either. Plenty of men are hurting right now too over the same selfish behavior of their mate. I have stepped back many times to allow my "friends" (I hate that deceptive word since there is no such thing between two adults who have had sex) to move forward in their relationships with my true blessing (not that they need ANYTHING from me except no interference). Do you know why I was able to do that? Because I am confident, and I have learned to be alone and be okay. I don't need to childishly hang on to a dead relationship out of desperation.

krissy says:
Sun, 16th May 20108:28 am

Has anyone ever thought about becoming friends with his ex? If someone is important to someone you're dating then why can't you accept them in your life as well? It will help the ex not feel guilty about talking to your boyfriend when she needs a friend. If she is cool enough to have in his life then she must be a cool person herself. It should not be a problem if there is nothing going on between them.

x456 says:
Fri, 11th Jun 201011:54 pm

I was in a situation with my x when we first got together. He was still emotionally attached to his x. We all visited together several times, with her new partner. There was not sexual R that I know of but there was still a strong emotional attachment on her part. It did interfere with our R, there is no doubt about that. I did monitor correspondence at his request, there was nothing untoward.

Now he wants to remain friends with me. I don't know if I can or if I want to do it at this point. Many other issues in our relationship. And he has been somewhat misleading doing this while he tries to start another relationship.

I think for some people it is possible to just remain friends. But that does not mean it will not damage your new relationship.

If someone won't put you first above all others, get out of the relationship early on before you're in too deep. It is not worth the pain you will go through as the only one who is truly committed in the relationship.

Attachments are hard to break, so don't make them until you're sure the person has your best interests at heart and not their own instead.

Lisa says:
Mon, 28th Jun 20104:13 pm

Psychologists all over the North American continent are trying to stem the divorce tide. Academia has put together good, realistic, heavily researched information and processes of how to eliminate unnecessary negative issues that damage primary relationships so we can all have a marriage that sustains us through our lifetimes. Krissy, look closely at how crazy it sounds to throw away a primary relationship that meets 3x the needs in a person's life than a "friendship" with an ex ever could over just needing someone to talk to (when there are crisis lines, counselors available, parents, girlfriends, boys who are truly friends because you've never dated, etc.). People are throwing away their future for their past. There is a reason for marriage and it is because it meets so many day to day needs that no other type of relationship can. But, the married state can never be reached if there is too much damage and interference from others. I agree with x456 that contact with exes damages the new relationship. I have seen it happen over and over again. And, all the people in that mess don't realize it until, often, many years later. What a waste.

Lisa says:
Mon, 28th Jun 20104:21 pm

What I failed to include in that last post is that, included in the professional, contemporary research, boundaries need to be set with other relationships outside of the primary one. They do NOT recommend staying in close contact with exes if you want it to work.

How anyone could feel good about being the ex who wouldn't go away…an ex who is inserting their needs into someone elses' relationship…no one cares if you worked hard on building a friendship. You should have considered the long term like what happens when the guy/girl gets married. Your friendship does not weigh in anywhere near a fraction of the importance of that marriage. Nor does it carry much weight while that couple is building that long term, possibly leading to marriage relationship.

You have other options for friendship(s) throughout your life. It is extremely selfish to keep hanging on to something that is not yours to have.

Jen says:
Tue, 5th Oct 20101:57 am

Lisa, thank you for that input. It makes total sense, and I have been in this situation. I am ok with my boyfriend talking to his exes, but there is one that is too crazy and clingy for me to be comfortable with. They were engaged and she broke up with him. She started to interfere in the beginning of our relationship, I think just to let me know she was there.

Anytime I told him I would like him to stop speaking to her, he would walk away angrily. It felt like every time he did that, he chose her over me. So I would remain quiet a lot of the time, and let this sad/hopeless feeling build up inside me.

It's been like that for a year, and finally this week I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't control this feeling of needing to get out. I had woken him up in the middle of the night telling him I didn't think what he was doing was fair and that he was not over her.

The next night he told me he would stop talking to her because he didn't want me to bring it up anymore. He was very upset and went to sit by himself. It sounded like he was crying. I think he definitely was not over her emotionally.

This was and continues to be a learning experience. I am so relieved he was able to let her go for me and my sanity. I hate to make him do something he didn't want to do, and I still don't know if he realizes the significance, but it shows me that he is really ready to grow and move forward with me.

lucy says:
Mon, 23rd May 201111:38 am

My new boyfriend of 4 months has ex's that text him and im not happy about it. One ex is his best friends sister and she is constantly hanging around. She constantly stares at him and its obvious she has feelings for him. I have told him i'm not happy about it and he is adament that he has no feelings
for them

Tiffany says:
Sun, 4th Sep 20112:15 pm

Hi. Ive been dating a guy since may… Have been talking to him since february. Everything was awesome at first. Then out of nowhere he becomes really distant and doesnt wanna hang out yet wont settle for just friends. I automatically think there is someone else in the picture so I openly ask him. He tells me there isnt and never will be….. He then then goes on to tell me that he has been hurt in the past and involuntarily put up a wall because he felt he liked me too much. Yesterday, he breaks down and tells me he still loves his ex-girlfriend (who is now married to the guy she met when she was with him). He said he wont let me leave because he cares about me and likes me. But he doesnt like that he’s vulnerable around me. He was crying and all so I do believe he was hurt. But should I stick around??? And if I do what can I do to help him realize that I wont hirt him? How do I break down the wall???

Sincerely,
Confused

Suz says:
Wed, 7th Sep 20112:20 pm

I tried to do that except my bfs ex is there to make my life hell, she loves to send him nude photos because she knows he won't reject them and she told me straight up it's to get back at me and that I stole my current bf from her even though they were broken up. I wish he would break ties with her but he's afraid she'll become suicidal, honestly I'm not worried she is screwed up and is to attached, it's ruining my relationship with him even though he's the man I want to marry I'm not even sure how much more drama I can take from his ex and a random hookup girl who swears she has his baby but hasn't shown proof for over a year.

Dawn says:
Wed, 28th Sep 20113:29 pm

Well I think that is really good advice. I have dating my bf for 6 months. Him and his ex texted all the time. He said it was nothing, but I got a but curious….. Or obsessive (whatever) and called her up, just to see if she knew about me. Well of course she didn’t and come to find out they had been together in all ways possible since him and I had been dating. That was about 3 months into our relationship. Anyway when he found out I knew he begged me not to leave him an swore to break all ties with her. I finally conceded although I am having a very hard time trusting him and not acting like a crazy person anytime I don’t know what he is doing or who he is talking to. So on the crazy person note, and using want any punishment I checked our phone records just to see what’s going on. Turns out he texts her out the blue the other day. They exchanged about 8 or so between them and I have a really bad suspicious idea that he used his friends phone to call her. He has made up a bs story for it all and says it’s nothing and that I am just insecure and over reacting.I really have feelings for him and really don’t want it to be over, but I can’t deal with him still talking to her, even if he just pretends to dial her # I am gonna cone unglued. Guess my ? Is if I should give him one more chance or not.

pixie says:
Tue, 3rd Jan 201212:59 pm

I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex – who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect xxx

jess says:
Fri, 13th Jan 201212:28 am

Here my problem with my finance My.finances ex girlfriend called him babe or papi and other names including saying how she misses him too much and how she want to see him. Well I asked him if he still.contacts his ex but his answer was no. so one day he was driving my vehicle and he had receive a text.so he open to read it and he just put down real quick and I ask him who was it and he just said it was his Cousin but I noticed it was not true because he been doing that alot in front of me. And one day his ex text him saying hope we can get married soon and everything.. When he already propose me to marry him. Now it like what can I do or say to him..he says he loves me and have no eyes on anyone. Can you help me?

pixie says:
Wed, 18th Jan 20124:13 am

Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

Tell us what you're thinking...

Notify me of follow-up comments via email.

Notify me of new posts via email.