Life After College: I Got a Real Job!

So the freelance lifestyle was going great for me. I was sleeping in late, blogging from bed, and avoiding wearing pants with buttons, zippers, or any of those overly-complicated mechanisms. But then one day I woke up, got hit on by a homeless man at the library (one thing led to another and he did eventually gave me the number of his favorite pay phone to pee on), and found dried-up oatmeal on my scarf and I asked myself, “Is this how I want to spend my twenties?”

By Jenni

I mean, sure the 5-day old oatmeal tasted fresh enough, I’m not trying to sit here and bash eating leftovers. But it couldn’t make up for the fact that I had no co-workers, no real office, and no one believing that freelancing was a real job. So I did what any qualified writer does when she’s looking for a legitimate job: I got back on Craigslist, found the job of my dreams, and applied immediately. Unfortunately it turns out that my pre-puberty body prevents me from being an escort. Another dream crushed.

But I wouldn’t let that stop me. I found four more almost ideal jobs: babysitting an incontinent 80-year-old blind man, being a drug mule on the Mexican border, working for Coed Media Group, and having a sex change and appearing on Tyra 1-3 times to talk about the experience.

Only Coed Media called me back. For those of you who don’t spend your days Googling “but seriously, stop messing around, who really owns CollegeCandy?” you should know that Coed Media Group owns College Candy. That small fact will be a great ice-breaker and trivia question at dinner parties for years to come. I promise you that you will instantly be the life of every party if you pull that fact out. Of course, that’s assuming you only attend parties where guests are constantly asking each other about blog ownership.

Despite my slovenly appearance and my inability to answer normal interview questions like “what are your strengths and weaknesses and bra size,” they hired me. Which means two things: all my CollegeCandy blogging has paid off, and it is indeed possible to get a job in the media industry. However, I’ve had to spend the last week listening to people congratulate me on finally getting a job. As if I’ve been spending the last 6 months wandering around NYC and hitting on homeless men who openly pee on pay phones. (And come on people, everyone knows that’s a job best accomplished at night.)

But, even though this exciting new venture will bring a lot of changes to my life (trading in my slippers for shoes with laces and pulling out the ole alarm clock), the biggest change will be the reactions from those around me. Yes, instead of getting the confused eyebrow scrunch and “What exactly is it that you do?” I will now be getting the confused eyebrow scrunch and, “Wait, you’re working for a blog, but how do you make money?”

Looking forward to it.