Coupled. How Far is Too Far?

March 11, 2010     Posted in Advice, Relationships


By Sarabeth

As probably anyone will tell you, one of the biggest dangers to a relationship is infidelity (and maybe weekly Real Housewives marathons). We all know (or have dated) the total skeez-bag frat boy who only cared about scoring with chicks and the only person he was faithful to was the guy who sold him his Keystone Light. Obviously, that guy had red flags all over him, but what about the less obvious offenses?

I think one of the biggest problems in a relationship is that many people don’t really have the same idea of what constitutes “cheating.” So what the boy might see as just a harmless night out with his guys, the girl might freak out that her boyfriend would go to a strip club and look at another girl naked!

So what is cheating?
Is it flirting with someone else?
Hanging out alone with someone else?
Dancing with someone else?
Kissing someone else?

Cheating is different for every person and every couple, and it’s something that every couple needs to figure out for themselves. It’s all based on your personal beliefs and those of your partner and it’s something that must be discussed so everyone is on the same page.

For me and Matt, well, I’m perfectly fine with him having a glance at a beautiful woman. I’m secure enough to know that it’s just a look and nothing else, and I’m also mature enough to acknowledge the fact that there are women out there who are sexy and beautiful and, well, who wouldn’t look? Matt knows that I believe cheating is when someone in a relationship acts on feelings for someone who is not their significant other. And he agrees. So we both know that thinking “my government prof is hot” is totally fine but “my government prof is a really great kisser” is not.

And that little understanding goes a long way in terms of trust and communication in our relationship.

I know not all guys are comfortable talking about cheating, but if you two can sit down and set up boundaries, neither of you will have to worry about what will and won’t get you in trouble.

So what to you is too far for you?

10 Comments on "Coupled. How Far is Too Far?"

  1. natalie says:
    Thu, 11th Mar 201012:51 pm 

    i think cheating is any intention whatsoever of having a physical and/or strong emotional connection with anyone other than your significant other. there's a reason why we have friends and why we have boyfriends/girlfriends. sure, we have "connections" with our friends, but i'm sure any of those who have been in a relationship knows the difference between a connection with a friend and one with your significant other. when that sort of connection is being made with anyone else, i think it to be cheating. also, having an intention of being physical with someone, whether it's going out with the guys and grinding along a chick while dancing or simply hooking up with a chick in a bar after being too drunk is definitely cheating…or even talking about the possibility of being intimate. there is no point of being in a relationship if these are the kind of things you want to do. no one said you couldn't and that it was bad or wrong…hey, we all get turned on and need a little love….it just doesn't make sense why you would get into relationship when clearly you don't want to be monogamous.

    as for looking at other people and thinking they're "beautiful" or "hot"…big deal. we are human beings and it would be strange if we only thought one person on this earth was attractive. also, hot is just hot…there are attractive people all over. big deal. if you've seen one set of boobs, then you've seen the next. it goes too far when you start thinking about that person in the same context as you would with your bf/gf.

  2. allie says:
    Thu, 11th Mar 20101:43 pm 

    ok i may be alone on this, but for me strip clubs are cheating. let me finish before you judge. this is just me personally, but i dont want my guy getting lap dances from other women, even if he doesnt touch them, i dont them touching him or rubbing their boobies in his face. i find it disrespectful, aswell degrading to the women, but thats another topic. he can look at other women, he can even look at porn i know i do, but the thought of a half nude women, let alone fully nude women, touching my man really irks me. i dont think he would like me giving another guy a lapdance or me getting one so to me thats cheating.

  3. Erich says:
    Thu, 11th Mar 20101:58 pm 

    OK, well to the reader above each thier own. I have no problems with my girl going to the strip club with her girls on occassion.

    And to the writer, what about emotional cheating? What I mean is when a person in the relationship is now sharing things with another person that they would normally share with you.

  4. Jackie says:
    Thu, 11th Mar 20102:16 pm 

    I think she covered all the bases when she said that the best thing to do is discuss and decide on boundaries with your partner. Communicate.

  5. Lizzy says:
    Thu, 11th Mar 20103:25 pm 

    To me cheating would be having emotional feelings for someone else rather than your partner. However what I do not consider cheating is have physical relationship with someone else other than the partner I might be the only one here saying that but I do not think there is anything wrong with me or my guy having physical relationship with someone else as far as it does not involve any emotional relationship

  6. Erin says:
    Thu, 11th Mar 20105:04 pm 

    Allie I'm with you, but I would only consider it cheating if my partner and I had talked about it and he knew I didn't like it and would consider it cheating. Hell he proposed it to me last week and it ended up in a big argument. It's not that it's physically cheating, it's that you are getting aroused and paying a woman who's making you aroused, you no longer thinking of me, your thinking of her. It makes me uncomfortable, if it doesn't make others uncomfortable fine, but hat you and we are all different. I feel that it depends on the couple as to what cheating is, you have to talk it out.

  7. s says:
    Fri, 12th Mar 20101:06 am 

    i think its always best to discuss this with your partner althoughhh i have had experiences with different men where certain things were "cool" with them, until it happened … then they flipped the F out. ughh. don't say you're ok with things you're not obviously thats going to flip a relationship upside down. Personally i think anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner is cheating. you know something is not OK if you're hiding it from them…whether it be words, or physical actions as little as dancing it depends on the person and the situation.

  8. allie says:
    Fri, 12th Mar 20105:24 pm 

    Erin i couldnt agree more, again thats just how i feel, thats my boundries, and i also agree with the last statement. if you would want your significant other to see or find out then its best you not do it. also if you wouldnt want them to do it then maybe you shouldnt also, you must have that talk, you have to have boundries in relationships or at least talk about them, never assume. ive had guys freak out on my friends for things they did themselves and im like, "ok its ok for you to do it but for her no? SAY WHAT?"

  9. hanabira says:
    Sat, 13th Mar 20101:24 pm 

    IMO communication/action one wouldn't want their partner knowing about or being present for is cheating. So swingers are fine having sex outside the relationship because its cool between them, but also something as small as an innappropriate bit of communication may be cheating if its something that a person knows isn't accepted by their SO.

    Cheating, to me, is more linked to deception than a specific action.

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