Single. And Impatient

Angie Marie says:
Fri, 12th Mar 201011:26 am 

I know exactly how you feel! One of my closest guy friends and I were in a similar position that dragged on for an eternity and basically ended our friendship. I think he felt like he had no chance, and was sick of the friends thing, and he never seemed to figure out how much I cared about him. We actually didn't speak for months, although we are now are friendly terms again, and MAYBE something could happen. Assuming this re-building of our friendship actually happens, I am going to just fight my way out of my comfort zone and be more obvious about the fact that I'm into him. It's hard me because 1) I have the same "the guy asks must initiate everything" paradigm that you have 2) I am really confident and flirtatious around boys I DON'T like romantically, no matter how hot they are. It's when I DO like a guy, even if he is an average Joe looks-wise, that I get nervous and am scared to act interested.

But really, try to be more obvious. Even if you don't ever SAY so explicity, try to hint that you're attracted to him. In my case, I was more than 99% sure the guy liked me, but I doubt he ever realized that I was even the least bit into him. Over and over, he more or less told me, through really awkwardly obvious statements, that he liked me. For some reason, I kept my feelings to myself and always changed the subject or brushed him off. I was scared.

Ugh. Maybe things will work out as we try to renew our friendship. (Sorry for ranting!! My advice: flirt with him more. Compliment him. Let him know how much you appreciate him.)

Krystyna says:
Fri, 12th Mar 201011:33 am 

Oh my God, just ask him out already! Just be really casual, like "hey, want to grab dinner some time? We can talk about (insert mutual interest here)." Something like that. Just make it casually date-ish. Then let him make the next move after that.

I'm just speaking from my own experience. I asked the nice guy who liked me but wouldn't make a move on a casual date, he kissed me at the end of the night, and he took responsibility for plans the next time and he made it official. Not that everyone's life turns out this way, but there is hope. Just be a 21st century woman and swallow your pride. Or stock up on ice cream and sappy movies and settle in on your couch indefinitely.

Jenna says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20101:04 pm 

I completely understand where you are coming from Emmy. I feel the same way- if a guy likes me, he will do something about it! It really can be the most frustrating thing when a nice guy won't just make a move. Maybe you can utilize a mutual friend to drop him some hints and get things going. Hope it all works out for you!

ajeanw says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20103:12 pm 

I understand where you're coming from-it totally sucks. But unless you're giving this guy the cold shoulder or blowing him off there's no reason that he shouldn't be able to muster up the courage unless he really just isn't into dating you seriously. I agree with you 100% on not wanting to ask the guy out-he's should be well aware of the notion that men do the asking lol. Anything else is just lazy….and that's the worst kind

John says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20103:12 pm 

From a guy's perspective, maybe he is just keeping you on the hook. I mean, we all have people who we keep as "backups" incase something doesn't work out with the people we are really into. How sure are you he is THAT into you? I don't want to put the wrong idea in your head, but maybe he is just keeping you around long enough for that night when he is drunk and lonely…

aaaaaaaaaaa says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20103:26 pm 

"Oh my God, just ask him out already! Just be really casual, like “hey, want to grab dinner some time? We can talk about (insert mutual interest here).” Something like that. Just make it casually date-ish. Then let him make the next move after that.

I’m just speaking from my own experience. I asked the nice guy who liked me but wouldn’t make a move on a casual date, he kissed me at the end of the night, and he took responsibility for plans the next time and he made it official. Not that everyone’s life turns out this way, but there is hope. Just be a 21st century woman and swallow your pride. Or stock up on ice cream and sappy movies and settle in on your couch indefinitely."

AND

"From a guy’s perspective, maybe he is just keeping you on the hook. I mean, we all have people who we keep as “backups” incase something doesn’t work out with the people we are really into. How sure are you he is THAT into you? I don’t want to put the wrong idea in your head, but maybe he is just keeping you around long enough for that night when he is drunk and lonely…"

The only good answers, every time

John says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20104:13 pm 

"The only good answers, every time"

I'm not sure what this means but this is the first time I have ever been to this site! Sorry if you have me confused with another poster.

aaaaaaaaaaa says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20104:33 pm 

not you two people specifically, just the answers which always seemt to come up when this sort of issue comes up on internet blogs or among friends (both sexes) that i know

man its like these writers are back in high school or something, i wonder what a site like this would be like if the writers were 10-15 years older

Jason says:
Fri, 12th Mar 20109:36 pm 

Why are you lashing out at this man? By your own description he is a nice guy, yet you now anonymously taunt him to "get his sh*t together" and "man up". This is vicious. And entitled.

You are being the creepy guy at the bar who can't get the message. He simply doesn't like you. That's why he hasn't made a move. Get over it. Please take your own advice and "man up" by moving on and stopping this clingy, obsessive vehemence.

Netti says:
Sat, 13th Mar 20105:05 am 

"The way I see it, if he wants to talk to me, he will."

Maybe he's thinking the same thing about you.

Experiance? says:
Sat, 13th Mar 20102:32 pm 

Being a guy who was pretty shy around girls I feel like you aren't looking at what experience this guy has had before. Most guys who have been in a legitimate relationship will have no problem taking the clues and stepping up. However, if this guy has either had bad experiences in the past or no experience (which is my guess if he asked your friend anything) than he may never go for it. Not that he doesn't want to but is scared out of his mind of doing it. I know that's where I was for a long time and I recently realized that many guys out there feel the same way. So if you really want this guy ask him on a date to thank him for editing your paper. Or take him to a party and kiss him worst case scenario he disappears, and best case best case he asks you on a follow up date the next week (or next day).

Ditto says:
Sun, 14th Mar 20108:21 am 

I concur with "Experiance?" – when reading the story, it felt like the guy I was a few years back. It sounds like he likes you, he's just trying to get over the fear of asking you out. Things like offering to edit the term paper – that's the kind of thing I would use to do to 'present myself an opportunity' to ask a girl out, rather than just straight-forward doing it. The good news is that, though he may be a "nice guy" (and possibly less experienced dating-wise) that he will likely do well in a relationship. You just have to get him to get over the initial step.

My suggestion is to show interest in him, and present him the opportunity to ask you out. Something like grabbing coffee with just him. Just show interest, and give him opportunities (it may take more than one, fyi). Also, mutual friends dropping hints never hurts. If all else fails, just kiss him – he'll figure it out, and that will be the last time you have to take the lead!)

Emily says:
Sun, 14th Mar 20103:07 pm 

he's just not that into you.

criolle johnny says:
Sun, 14th Mar 20103:10 pm 

maybe it's you

Dee Lowe says:
Sun, 14th Mar 20106:59 pm 

i agree. i do the same, i just take the mentality on to the next one when we get to this point.

Monica says:
Sun, 14th Mar 20109:07 pm 

I totally know how you feel. I've been talking to this guy that I've had a crush on since high school. We would talk almost everyday, via text and skype. I've invited him to parties at my house, we've hung out plenty of times and he ditched hanging out with his guy friends to spend time with me. All of a sudden he stopped talking to me, for two weeks straight, every time my phone would go off I would pray that it would be him but it ended up being my mom or a reminder for me to make the next move in my scrabble game. I felt obsessed with checking my phone and messages on facebook. I finally text him after two weeks of not talking and he acted like nothing happened. We have mutual friends and I asked them, what's wrong with him, why won't he hurry up and make a move? their excuse for him was that he is too SHY…A guy can't be that shy to ask a girl out. We've been talking for three months and nothing has happened. If he was some other guy I would have already made out and been my boyfriend. I feel like I'm wasting my time but he's just too perfect for me to let him go. He's smart, cute, tall, funny, doesn't party a lot, and has great morals. The only thing wrong with him is that he's taking forever to ask me out!

Rahul Gupta says:
Sun, 14th Mar 20109:49 pm 

i am ready for relationship with you if you are ready plz call me. 9211420840…. Call me…..

the violator says:
Mon, 15th Mar 201010:29 am 

i see a good deal of crap postings in the typical way. the whole he's just not that into you blah blah b.s.

i see the author of the story mentions he is a nice guy and all but she won't take the intiative and tries to put the whole chivalry thing into it so as to deflect any kind of possible blame on her part.

well, no one really is to blame entirely here. could he 'man up' or whatever? sure he could. perhaps he has had some really awkward experiences before in simaler situations and is scared this could blow up in his face. ladies- if you are too scared to actually ask a guy out (most are) then you kind of have a sliver of an idea of what us guys go through all the time. many women want all the perks of being considered our equals but when it really comes down to taking risks (the humiliation of being rejected)all of a sudden the yearning for the olden days where the guy puts his head on the cutting block in this situation becomes so much more pleasant.

when some of you women go out into the workforce and find yourselves being passed over for promotions and such, remember this- real leaders are willing to take risks. this story is a fine example of why women are rarely ever in charge of anything in pretty much any field you can think of. don't mean to upset some of you women out there but it is absolutely true. you have been watching too many romantic comidies and too much t.v.

thehatingexpert says:
Mon, 15th Mar 20101:26 pm 

http://thehatingexpert.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/d…

John Nash says:
Thu, 18th Mar 20104:37 am 

Is asking him out really that big of deal or burden on your part?

foxjacket says:
Fri, 19th Mar 201012:33 am 

that is as far as my feminist independence goes.
I find it sad that you have intentional limits to your “feminist independence.” My kneejerk response to this is that “that doesn’t sound very feminist” but that’s an unfair statement. I think it’d be more honest to say that you’re not comfortable asking a guy out (which you did say further down). But to say you’re feminist in some areas and not feminist in others? That just sounds weird to me. Anyway…

Ok, so you’re uncomfortable with asking out a guy out. Well guess what: guys can feel the same way with women too. It’s only guys who aren’t allowed to feel that way, and only ok for women to feel that, which I think is grossly unfair. This poor guy is probably living under the pressure of societal expectations, knowing that he SHOULD ask you out but may be too nervous to, or be inexperienced as others have said. I really hope he isn’t the “nice guy” type like in this xkcd comic: http://xkcd.com/513/

I just would not be comfortable taking control of a relationship and making a really forward move.
You could see it that way, or you could see it as you just asking him out and seeing where it goes. I’ve seen time and time again all over the internet guys saying they like it when a women ask them out. Why? Because it takes the pressure off them!

The way I see it, if he wants to talk to me, he will. If he doesn’t, well, I don’t want to be clingy, a nuisance, or THAT girl.
You DON’T have to be THAT girl. Period.

So for now, I am just going to have to wait, analyze and daydream until he mans up to make his next move. And waiting is something I don’t do well.
Obviously you like waiting enough that you won’t ask him out.

It’s this kind of thinking that makes me think, “Must be nice to be queer” (despite the existence of queerphobia and internalized queerphobia!). Because there aren’t all these silly rules and scripts to follow in same-sex relationships – you have to make it up as you go, which means lots of honesty and communication.

Sorry for the tone of my comment, but I’m feeling a little *headdesk*-y and OMG! Come ON!

hil says:
Fri, 19th Mar 20108:39 am 

YOU READ MY MIND! This is always my problem! Literally the story of my life. I have no problem liking the nice guys, no bad boy complex here. They just never make a move!

lala says:
Sat, 20th Mar 201010:53 am 

omgggg, amen sister!

E says:
Sun, 21st Mar 20102:21 pm 

Was this post meant for me? Right now I really am into this guy and all my friends say he really likes me. He hasn't made a move and I don't think I can get any more obvious than I already have (and yeah, I've even done the poetry bit). I'm afraid that I'm getting too clingy (following him around like a lost puppy and ish). Sometimes I start thinking, "He's not into you" then my phone rings and it's him. I'm really confused but I don't know if I should make a move because I don't want to scare him away. *sigh*

Laura says:
Sun, 21st Mar 20103:41 pm 

I'm in a situation which is screaming 'he is just not that into you',

Whenever we are at the same party we hook up. He is always really charming, says he really like me and remembers everything I say. His friends have said he likes me too and try to 'subtly' find out whether i am going to such and such party.

However, he never texts me first and doesn't make an effort to keep text conversations going very long. He has never asked me out even though I have given him endless and very obvious opportunities to do so. He isn't shy either. I would take the completely forward approach but that's not like me and if I am backup girl (who he gets with when he is drunk) that would be so embarasing. What should I do? be cold when I next see him and move on?

sadie says:
Sun, 21st Mar 20108:51 pm 

Laura-

"Whenever we are at the same party we hook up" makes me think "why buy the cow when he can have the milk for free?" I know it's not a progressive feminist stance, but it seems like girls who hook up with guys they aren't dating are NOT really the type of girls that guys want to date. I don't mean to be insensitve, but I've been in your situation and I had to learn the hard way.

My philosophy: don't make a guy your priority when you're only his option. There are a lot of guys out there who won't genuinely like you but will take what they can get from you.

sadie says:
Sun, 21st Mar 20108:55 pm 

And his friends might be saying he likes you because they know he wants to hook up with you. A lot of guys are jerks. I'd say move on, but don't be cold when you see him; be nice but come off as uninterested– that's the best way to keep your dignity.

Ashley says:
Sun, 21st Mar 20109:53 pm 

Looks like you're going to be single then, as you should be.

Jake says:
Sun, 21st Mar 201010:53 pm 

Don't listen to some of the crazy hypothesis that people are texting.

Give this guy some OBVIOUS clues that you are interested. You've heard this before but I'll repeat it – Men don't pick up on subtle clues. Even compliments.

It takes somewhat risky flirtation to get us men interested. Something like "Your jacket is hot " in a text message. That sort of risk is nothing compared to the risk he has to take when asking you out. EVEN the statement I put above may not register to him – he may wonder if you're just playing games, or are uninterested in him but like his jacket. Us men are so completely confused by the games that women play that we are never sure when a girl is interested or not.

So go ahead, take the small risk of ensuring that he knows you're interested. Call, test, or message him a few times to let him know it's okay to communicate. Most importantly, RESPOND to his texts in a timely fashion. There is no risk for communicating too much with him (unless you call him 17 times, of course). Nothing says partygirl/slut/flake like a girl who thinks she is too busy to respond to a text message. Most men stop their pursuit when they notice a girl isn't eager to respond.

Laura says:
Mon, 22nd Mar 201012:14 pm 

Thanks for the advice Sadie. You are right, I need to keep my dignity while I still can and move on.