Craigslist Creepers: Dabbling in The Obscene

By Jasmine

I have a dirty, sick, twisted infatuation with Craigslist personals. I am someone who has an innate curiosity regarding all things taboo, and really, is there anything more shameful than searching for love and sexy time on one of the slummiest websites the great Interwebs has to offer?

My affair with Craigslist started fairly innocuously – laughing and mocking the lameness that is inherent once you forget about being yourself and present the sanitized, most palatable version of who you are. Then I ventured into the infamous “casual encounters” section and was immediately assaulted with the most vulgar pleas for sexy time with strangers. “Who actually responds to these?” I wondered. Naturally, the only way to find out was to post my own ad. And thus began a new adventure.

I am currently in Washington DC, home of thousands upon thousands of very important people who are doing their part to sustain and shape American democracy. They are lawyers, congressional staffers, consultants, and defense contractors. They work long hours and are well-versed in all things related to current events. They are less hot/funny Jon Stewarts, their entire public existences completely, intrinsically linked to All Things Political.

And they are kinky. Oh boy, are they kinky.

After posting my first ad, I received at least 50 responses in 12 hours. And they all violated me in ways I hadn’t experienced since 2 Girls, 1 Cup. From that moment, I knew I had a new way to occupy my time…and my inbox.

I recently posted an ad that was actually rather refined….and inspired by Ms. Britney Spears. It merely said, “I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene. Tell me what that means and we can make it happen.” I was expecting the usual, “let’s have a threesome/let’s do it in public/let’s roll around in chocolate and whipped cream and then lick it off each other”…you know, the usual.
I definitely wasn’t prepared for…

“cute, normal guy here…want you to pee in my mouth.”
IN. HIS. MOUTH. Not even on, but in! He sent me a penis picture, which is kind of beyond my realm of comprehension. Why would he expect someone to respect him enough to engage in penetration after he requested urine in his mouth.

“How about pissing all over you after f*cking you with my middle-aged [BEEP]? You host.”
Number 1 – he looks like Kevin Richardson rode hard and put away wet. Number 2 – Middle aged but unable to host? He is obviously very married. And/or lives in his parents’ basement which doesn’t even have its own entrance.

“Let’s play around with our pee and sh*t while we f**k, suck, and lick. Sh*t would be soooo obscene”
He kind of looks like that guy in elementary school who ate glue and always had an aura of pee lingering around him. Also, yes, ish would be obscene…obscenely unsanitary and potentially life-threatening. I’ve heard of flirting with necrophilia, but you are not the love of my life; consequently, I am not willing to risk my life to have a night with you.

Stepping into the slums of Craigslist is an educational experience in its own right…I mean, who doesn’t want to be enlightened as to how many different ways guys can gross you out sexually?