Tuffy Luv Talks Class

By Sara

Questionpantses for Tuffaleh?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for possible answerpantses.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of one and a half years, and I’ve been beating myself up ever since. The first half of our relationship was blissful – we were like best friends, had tons of fun together and he treated me like a queen. Even though it was a long-distance relationship, we made it work with frequent visits, and having him in my life eased my transition into college.

But about halfway through our relationship, I began to think about my long-term desires, and realized I was unhappy. I consider myself to be very fortunate to have had access to private education for most of my life, but my boyfriend was not so fortunate. He dropped out of high school (but got his GED) and failed out of college, and hasn’t been able to find a job for months (he is 22). Furthermore, I felt as though he could not hold a conversation on the intellectual level that I would like, and to top it off, his persistent erectile dysfunction (which has plagued us since the first time we had sex) was giving us intimacy problems.

I chalked all these issues up to class differences, thinking that maybe we were just too different as a result of our backgrounds. However, since we broke up, I keep asking myself if I just let “the one” walk away. Although he is lazy (or maybe he can’t find a job because of the recession) and unmotivated (or maybe he just cracks under pressure in school), he has always treated me like a queen, and loved me like no other. He was always there as my therapist, protector, confidante and lover, and I wonder if I’m crazy for not thinking he is good enough for me. I also worry that I will regret my decision or change my mind if he gets a job and goes back to school, but I don’t know if he will ever do these things. Is it too much to ask for an educated man with a job/ prospects? He is definitely one of the few “good guys” left in my city and I feel stupid to let him go. Should I just settle and learn to appreciate the little things? Or maintain my high standards and run the risk of never finding the man of my dreams?

Sincerely,
Lonely Ever After

Dear Lonely,

Giiiiiiirl.

This is a really tricky question, because–well, is class an issue? Yes. Is it comfortable to discuss? About as comfortable as a colonoscopy.

Okay, well, first of all, erectile dysfunction is not an issue of class. But it is an issue in your relationship. However, sexual dysfunction is not necessarily a reason to break up. If you do end up getting back together, I highly recommend that you get your boy to a doctor and find out what the problem is. Chances are, it’s easily fixed.

The problem, then, is that you want to know if you should deal with this guy despite his socioeconomic situation. Okay. Well, I’m going to be honest: my initial gut impulse was to chew you out for being so messed up and dated.

But then I got to thinking, Lonely, and, I gotta be honest, you have a point. Well, look, you want certain things, right? You want a guy who can support himself (and hold his own financial weight if the relationship becomes long-term). You want a guy who is smart and motivated, and, although it’s not terribly PC, it’s true that the culture in which he was raised may (or may not) be a contributing factor.

However, you also want someone who is kind and loving, which you say he is, and that’s really much harder to find. Jerks with six figures are easy to find but hard to swallow (ew). Guys who love you genuinely and generously are gems and shouldn’t be so easily dismissed.

On top of it all, it sounds like maybe he’s suffering some kind of depression or anxiety or something equally treatable. The lack of motivation, the sexual problems–maybe he just needs a trip to a therapist or perhaps a psychiatrist.

So here’s my advice, girl. Follow your heart. If he really, truly is the gentle and giving soul you say he is, give him another chance. But tell him that, because you’re considering a long-term relationship with him, you need him to get his life together. Tell him you want to be with him, but he needs to either get a job or go back to school, and he definitely has to see a doctor (or doctors) about his erectile dysfunction.

And then be happy. Because loving a good person is a privilege most people never get to enjoy.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv