We’ve all done it. We claim that we are the best of friends, but the truth is that we are all guilty. We sit and listen to our friends complain about their breakups, lend a shoulder to cry on, and then offer consoling words: “You can do so much better” or “he’s the one missing out, not you.” The sob-fest concludes and what do we do?
We immediately call our other friends to vent about just how annoying it is that Jill still isn’t over Jack. After all, their break up was three months ago! Can’t she just get a grip?! We vow to never act so desperate, and we wouldn’t of course, because our breakups happened around the same and we are so, totally over our ex.
But wait, are we really? Before we throw Jill down the hill for holding on too long, maybe we should read the signs to see if we aren’t exactly “over” our ex’s either:
Sign 1: You check his Facebook every time you log on. And by check, I mean analyze literally every post, never missing a beat. You read every status, look at every picture, and undoubtedly read the wall-to-wall between him and every mysterious girl who leaves a comment. Privacy settings put on a damper on your stalking capabilities? You get your best friend to friend this anonymous skank (she must be a skank…they all are) so that you can see all 2,000 of her pictures without your ex knowing. But don’t worry, BFF Jill will reassure you that you are prettier than her in each and every picture.
Sign 2: You text him while drunk. You may blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol, but you manage to text him a variation of “I miass yiou” every time you’re out partying. After the text is sent, your phone becomes glued to your hand waiting for a response. If it never comes, the beer tears start flowing. You are embarrassed in the morning and claim you didn’t mean it; you were wasted. Excuses, excuses, we’re not buying it. And speaking of phones…..
Sign 3: You refuse to delete him! You say the nastiest things about him and blabber different versions of “I hate him and am never speaking to him again” to everyone who crosses your path, but you have yet to delete his number from your phone. You tell yourself that you still have it “just in case”….in case of what? And to top it off, you still have old text messages saved of the cute things he used to say to you. You “stumble” upon them every once in awhile claiming you had NO idea they were still there. Mhm, sure.
Sign 4: You plan your hookups according to the likelihood of him finding out. The sweeter the revenge, the more of a chance the new guy has. He’s a frat brother of your ex’s best friend? PERFECT! He is SURE to find out: perfect candidate! If you do stumble upon a hot guy who has no connection to your ex, you make sure to get tons of pictures with him. You on his lap, kissing his cheek, arms around each other, the more the merrier. And without fail, they are on Facebook the next morning before you’ve even brushed your teeth.
Sign 5: Everything reminds you of him. You find yourself skipping every song on the radio because they just scream his name. Your friends are jamming out to “Bad Romance” and you immediately must change it because was practically written for you two… you had a romance, and then.. it was bad. You’re almost certain that Lady GaGa stalked you and used your breakup as inspiration for the lyrics. Once the music is silenced your friend asks if you caught the new episode of “The Office.” Of course not, it was his favorite show, so clearly you can’t watch it, or talk about it, because it’s a total representation of him. You’re right… noooone else watches it, it’s totally “his” show.
Sign 6: You still sleep in his t-shirt….and hoodie…and sweatpants. We know, we know, it’s not because they’re his, it’s because they’re just SO comfortable. Understandable, his plain t-shirt is probably made out of an extra special, soft, jersey material that no other t-shirt is made out of. And the hoodie, we know you don’t pay attention to the fact that it has his last name and football number on the back, you just like how massive and cozy it is. And you’re right, XL sweatshirts probably don’t exist anywhere else, his pair is one of a kind.
If you were found guilty of more than one of these tell tale signs…then you might not want to be so quick to judge Jill the next time she gets choked up when Justin Bieber’s “One Less Lonely Girl” comes on the radio. But it’s OK, maybe in the end you have to go through all of these steps to actually get over him. And don’t worry, you are prettier than the anonymous whore on his Facebook (even though she happens to be his cousin…)