Sexy Time: Sharing Too Much?

By Ness

I’m new to writing this column, but I have to admit that I  already adore it. I’ve always loved being able to be open and honest about sex – sharing a bit of opinion and a bit of fact about what makes us tick sexually. But this week I’ve hit a snag. You see, pretty much everyone I know reads this column – my dad (hi dad!), his journalist friends, my family, my friends, and because I post links on my Facebook, there’s the potential for past teachers, my boyfriend’s family and family friends to read it too.

Of course, any kind of exposure is great, and I’m grateful that so many people are interested in reading my work, but then I realize – what am I comfortable with sharing? The short answer is really everything; I’m more than comfortable with my sexual proclivities.  But I keep remembering something my sex-columnist-hero, Dan Savage, has said many-a-time: there are some things that parents, teachers, and family friends have a right not to know.

Then I realized that this isn’t just a problem that plagues sex columnists. Any sexually active person faces the same dilemma – what’s okay and not okay to share? Since my first sexual experiences in high school, I’ve always had the problem of well…over sharing a tad. I guess I just chalked it up to girl talk — don’t best friends always swap stories of their sexual escapades? After all, it’s kinda nice to show off! What’s the fun if it has to be a secret? But I realized pretty quickly that some people just don’t want to know. And that’s okay. Forcing someone to listen to a play-by-play of what happened in bed last night is just as inappropriate as doin’ it with the door open when your roommate is home (I haven’t, Mal.. I swear!).

That being said, when you’re in a committed relationship, it comes down to a mutual respect when it comes to swapping stories. After you’ve been with someone long enough, embarrassing things are bound to happen. When you let someone get that close to you (and I mean, you can’t get any closer than being inside of someone/having someone inside of you), there’s not much you can hide. Being in a relationship gives you a feel of what’s okay and what’s not okay to share. For instance, I don’t mind (in fact, I kind of love it) when my boyfriend tells his friends about the crazy things I “make” him do (yeah right…) or how great something was that we tried. But to the same token, if he were to tell people about really personal things — like the things I say or the sounds I make, I would be not so impressed. But we’ve figured that out and agree that the same “telling” rules go for both of us — and problem solved.

It helps if you look at having a sex life as a kind of privilege. If you treat your partners like pieces of meat or characters on The Real World, chances are they won’t be coming back for more. As much as I like to talk (er, show off… either way), I’d take excellent, stable, private sex over crappy sex I can tell the world about any day.

When it comes to my “work” here, I think in order to do the best job writing Sexy Time as I possibly can, I need to open up and accept any discomfort that comes from the people I know who read it. If you don’t want to know, you don’t have to read. But since I only know my own experiences, it would be a lie to write about anything else. I haven’t gotten any complaints yet – so I’m just going to take it as it comes.

When it really comes down to it, what gets divulged is just about personal preference and your relationship with the person you’re talking about. I’ll admit it – I’ve told some things that really should’ve been kept private. People have done the same to me, and it’s not a good feeling. So the next time you’re sitting in the living room in your sweats with messy hair, talking to your ladies after your sexy buddy leaves the building, you’ve gotta think how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

How do you guys feel? How much is too much to share? Does it change when you’re in a relationship? Tell me what you think!