Single. And Talking To My Ex

March 19, 2010 4:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Emmy g+ page

Okay, so last week I was complaining because I was anxiously waiting for this one boy to finally ask me out (which he did two days ago, thank you very much). Now the part of my life that involves boys has become slightly drastically more complicated.


By Emmy

Last week was my school’s spring break, and while I spent half of the time in Arizona, (where it RAINED for three out of five days), the other half was spent in Chicago with the boy that I dated all through high school.

Oh yeah, him. I can try to play it off as casually as I want, but this now single girl went through the entirety of high school being coupled. And having the boy that you dated for three years come to visit you in your new life is anything but casual.

FACT: I dated him all through high school, we fell in love and he broke my heart. Hardcore, he crushed my heart.

FACT: He has been apologizing for breaking my heart since last August, and I didn’t even respond for the first month and a half of his apologies. His persistence finallyconvinced me to respond once, and he later persuaded me into talking as ‘friends’ ever since.

FACT: I have been on so many dates and hooked up with many guys since we were over, and I have yet to find anyone that I was not comparing to him.

FACT: We have been talking and texting every day, talking on the phone or iChatting late into the night a few times a week since November.

FACT: I go to school in Chicago. He goes to school in Pittsburgh. I have zero faith in long distance relationships.

FACT: Whenever we are together, over breaks etc., things between us are just as they’ve always been. He knows me ridiculously well, and loves my quirks. Unlike other guys I’ve dated, he knows that I will never be on time regardless of how hard I try, that calculus will never be interesting to me, that I am the world’s biggest blanket hog, and that he has to cover my eyes if there are snakes in movies because otherwise I get nightmares about them.

FACT: I still love him, and at this point it feels like I probably always will.

FACT: We haven’t been talking much since he got back to school, because I told him I needed some time to clear my head.

FACT: We have no idea how to define the weird shape that our non relationship has taken.  I love having the freedom of being single and not technically being in a relationship. But now I don’t know what I want, or what I should do.

FACT: My brain is on overload right now and has no idea as to how to handle this mess of a situation.

A huge part of me knows that I really probably shouldn’t even be talking to him, that it is dangerous for me to be doing so, and will probably only result for more heartache for me in the end. Plus, seriously, I have nice guys that I don’t have any history with who live in the same city as me right now that I should probably be paying more attention to.

The other part just can’t resist the feelings that come back when talking and being with him. There’s something about knowing that a boy can still adore you even after such a long time that makes you feel comfortable in that favorite-old-sweatshirt kind of way. But it’s Spring – a time for cleaning…. maybe it’s time to toss the old sweatshirt?

I have no idea how I have managed to put off thinking about this whole mess of a situation for so long, but denial was apparently my coping strategy of choice. And it was working well. But I guess I had to face things eventually. I just wish I knew how.

18 Comments on "Single. And Talking To My Ex"

  1. Emily says:
    Fri, 19th Mar 20106:51 pm 

    Seriously, this is my world right now.

    Let me know if you figure it out because I'm so feeling you on EVERYTHING you wrote out, and no one knows what I'm going through!!! ahhhhh.

  2. Linda says:
    Sat, 20th Mar 20105:06 am 

    Go figure, I swore I was the only one.

    Definitely let us know if you figure this one out.

  3. Susan says:
    Sat, 20th Mar 20105:13 am 

    This was my situation a few years back. It was hard to let go, but we are both happier moving on with our lives. How did we move on? Stopped all contact. Deleted each other from our phones, chat lists. Our only contact now is through Facebook. And we keep it to "happy birthdays" and holiday wishing-well.

    That being said, it was best for us. We wouldn't have worked out in the long run. We knew we wouldn't and forced each other to hurt the other. But what's best for you is another story.

    Be honest with yourself and you'll find your answer as to how to handle the situation. Best of luck!

  4. poppy says:
    Sat, 20th Mar 20107:50 am 

    I agree with susan!

    If you can be friends without feeling ANYTHING for him, then be friends. If you go back you're just going to be heartbroken. Face your own facts you live in 2 different cities and are both moving in different directions. You're both hindering you're selves from finding someone great that will be the "one" for you. He's out there for you!

    like last week's Greek, some love stories are short but there still love stories.

    Your's ended in high school.

    be strong!

  5. Kayla says:
    Sun, 21st Mar 20108:36 am 

    Honestly, this is my life exactly. EXACTLY. Broke my heart, worked super hard to win me back and finally I am trusting him again. I visit him (1600 miles away) when I have vacation and because I plan on going out to ski there anyway. Seeing him is a plus.

    WHY do I keep ichatting? skyping? phone calling and texting? Especially when we both do not want a long distance relationship?

    Because we have hope. I plan on moving out where he lives after graduation – if he is there or if he isnt. We have promised that for now we will live our lives and do what we want and just wait two years until we can give it a go. Is it hard to think of him with other girls? YES. Yet I am free to hook up with other guys so I do…and I cannot feel too bad.

    There is just something comforting in having him now and hoping for the future. When it comes down to it, if it is meant to be, it will. I have no problem waiting it out…he is worth it.

  6. Leah says:
    Sun, 21st Mar 20104:37 pm 

    I had the problem of comparing my current boyfriend to my ex over EVERYTHING. I was hardcore, possibly slightly obsessive, in love with my ex. However one day my very brilliant best friend told me "Don't compare your new guy to your old one cause the only possible end result is that your new guy isn't the old one and thats the only thing you'll be looking at." I took what she said to heart and every time I compared him to my ex I would make myself stop. I began to see the special things about my boyfriend and the new, and much better, ways he loves me. There will always be that one comfortable piece of you that fits perfectly with your ex, that comes from your history with the guy, but you never know, the new guy may be way better for you. He can learn all the special quirks and things that make you, you. You just have to give him the chance first. There's a reason why you and your ex broke up and high school is over. I know it's hard but I'd say it's time to move on.

  7. bella says:
    Mon, 22nd Mar 20104:36 am 

    I know exactlly how u feel!

    I think you did a good thing by taking the time off to clear your head. And maybe you two should be friends for a while until you finish school? (if you really dont believe in long distance relationships)…

    My story:

    I dated him from 8th to 11th grade. He CRUSHED my heart like no other! Finally got over him in college, but dated loads of guys in between. two years ago we started to talk again ( he lives in france and I live in Germany) and we havent seen eachother since the day we broke up! 8 years ago!!!

    We skype and talk on the phone for 2 years, finally we meet up in Paris this summer, and yes we hooked up :( … I thought things would get weird after that, but we talked and decided it was best to stay friends since we cant do long distance. And no weirdness at all! we're still great friends!

    ( hmm wonder what'll happen when I see him again though?! ) haha..point is, you can still be friends and love him!

  8. Kristin-X says:
    Mon, 22nd Mar 20106:26 pm 

    I'm totally d'accord (i agreeeee) with everything that was said.. I am in this situation. It blows.

  9. Marie says:
    Mon, 22nd Mar 20108:34 pm 

    I am in this exact situation. I can't believe everyone else who wrote these comments is too! It's just so weird. You both like each other, but you don't want to be in a relationship. I am still going to try to date those other nice guys out there (there are quite a few!) but I can't help it that my heart skips a beat everytime he calls/texts… I just don't want it to end… It's too great the way it is. And he wants me to come out and visit him over the summer, and I don't think that's such a great idea. We practically acted like we were going out when he came up for his spring break, but we didn't even hook up. I've tried the long-distance relationship thing with this guy, and it worked out for two years, but I slowly got more miserable everyday. And he did too! He broke up with me for another girl and I cried over him for months. And then I found another guy, but as soon as my ex called I couldn't help it. UGH, it even SOUNDS pathetic. I need to move on before he finds someone else again, and I'm left in the dust AGAIN!

  10. Mandy says:
    Wed, 24th Mar 20106:10 am 

    I dated a guy for about a year. We fell in love. We seemed perfect! All of a sudden he broke up with me and my heart was crushed.

    Over the course of 2 years we each tried to move on. We dated other people. We restricted the contact we had with one another.

    We had spurts of time in which we tried to talk about what happened and sort it out. Turns out, we were young and he was just plain old scared about how serious we were.

    He has since come to his senses. He poured his heart out to me one night after we had been hanging out as friends again for a couple months. I gave it some time and eventually decided he is still what I want. We've been dating for almost a year (again) and we are getting married next summer! It's like my own little fairytale…with a few twists.

    All of that was simply to say that it can happen if it's meant to be ;)

  11. thehatingexpert says:
    Wed, 24th Mar 201011:16 am 

    http://thehatingexpert.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/w…

  12. Crystal says:
    Wed, 24th Mar 20105:17 pm 

    I am also in a similar situation. My ex moved to the same city to be with me and had an "emergency" and had to move back… before he left he promised my daughter he would return told us both he loved us and we got an apartment together and set a wedding date. A few months later he calls me up trying not to cry saying this long distance relationship isn't working. We talk, text, and im everyday and he told me he will always love me and i am special but doesn't want this long distance relationship again…

  13. Jill says:
    Sat, 27th Mar 201011:13 am 

    It's so funny to me how people seem to go through the stages of life. Similar to what everyone has stated, I am going through the same situation right now. There are 3 guys in my life right now, and it couldn't be more complicated. One is my ex. We weren't "officially" dating, by means there were no titles, for about a year, but we weren't hooking up with anyone else. He goes to school about an hour and a half from me, yet still takes the time to come visit. We fought all the time, and he can be selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, the whole bit; yet, there's just something about him. We have some sort of chemistry that I can't explain, and we know a lot about each other. To be frank, I shoot him down every time he tries to pull some crap with me, and I think he likes that about me. No one else really knows how to stand up to him, except me! Ha. Well, to make a long story short, I called things up with him at the end of January, and he started dating this other girl 2 weeks after. Well, they broke up last week. Who do you think he came running to…yup, me. To be truthful, he's been contacting me since we called things off, and I do miss it. You can tell it's still there. Well…now here's the complicated part…the other 2 guys are the "perfect" guys, I've known them both since high school, and they're great. One is a few hundred miles away from me, but has made me happier than anyone else – but we're at the "not right now stage," where he claimed when "we are in the same state at the same time things will work again" – it sucks. The other, is a kid I've had a secret crush on for what feels like forever, and he finally asked me out. Awesome right? Wrong. I've gotten accustomed to viewing him solely as a close friend, and the ex just keeps popping up.

    Sorry for the novel, but basically just wanted to say, I understand the confusion and frustration you're going through. If you make any progress on your situation, please share, and I will do the same with mine. Good luck.

  14. meg says:
    Sat, 27th Mar 20101:43 pm 

    sounds like you need to toss out the old sweatshirt. wish it was as easy as that, but unfortunately, and you know this better than me, it will be extremely hard…but it sounds to me that he is old news. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. So if you let him go for awhile but he's meant to be there for longer, fate will bring you two back together. I think the distance will help, though the semester will be over soon and you guys will be near each other again…so sorry you're going through this right now, I've never been in that serious of a relationship, mostly because of how scary it would be to be dumped, especially after dating for so long and being in love.

    Keep us updated, I really truly hope this works out for the best and to your benefit, it might hurt now, but in the long run whatever happens will be better for you and you'll see that someday :)

  15. WhitneyB says:
    Mon, 29th Mar 20103:12 am 

    It's really easy for people that have never been there to tell you to get rid of dirty laundry. If you feel such a special bond with him, I think you should ride this wave for a while. Just see where it goes, but keep seeing other people. If you're in college there is absolutely no reason to make any commitments. And just because you dated in high school you shouldn't write him off at all. It's crazy how people find the people they're meant to be with these days. I think you should give it a chance, but keep an open mind.

  16. Arti says:
    Thu, 8th Apr 201012:45 pm 

    OK!! just bumped into this end and I have a few things to say. This is like going back in time for me. So I dated this guy in school when i was 20ish and we broke up, like someone here said, he dint break my heart, he cushed it. And we were separated by continents. I moved on, got married to a "perfect" guy , who really loved me, had a child with him. Things werent working out between us due to other reasons. Thats when the ex pops up. We get in touch, chat, call and text for a few days. This is around the same time, my then husband and I were separated and my ex and i decided to meet. And all hell borke loose. We fell in love all over again, we both were as good as we were bad for each other. Knew each oither inside out, knew the flaws, knew the goodness, it is just weird. But this time, my ex and I decided to make it work, must be a mircale how we got back together after 8 years and felt the same for each other. We have been dating for more than 2 years now (Long distance, seaparted by 678 miles) and are FINALLY getting married in exactly 1 week. so, yes, it is possible, and yes we were meant to be, and yes, i always knew he would be back looking for me. Its just too weird to explain. So if this guy is the one for u, he will definitely come back and u both will work hard towards the relationship. we did, we still do. We are STILL as good for each other as we are bad… some things just dont change!!

  17. Joe says:
    Thu, 22nd Apr 201012:38 pm 

    I hope this isn't weird, because it probably is, but I am probably the only single guy on campus, and have been looking to find someone who I can develop a relationship with. In my own opinion (which, I guess is really biased), I am one of the sweetest, kindest guys there are on campus. I'm not the best looking in terms of being buff, but I'm not bad looking either. Anyways, if you ever would like to go out with someone you KNOW won't break your heart, even if just to get a drink somewhere on campus, let me know.

    Joe

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