Overheard: What Am I Made Of

By John

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Customer and cashier, at a cash register.)

Cashier: That doesn’t even look like your signature.

Customer: I know. It looks like Chinese or something.

Cashier: Yeah, I think it looks like if somebody had a stroke.

Customer: Yeah I was going to say that, but I thought that would be inappropriate.

(Guy and girl in tour group, walking through campus.)

Guy: Flying’s weird. Turbulence feels like you’re … hitting a ton of small animals, or something.

Girl: Ohh-kay. Don’t know you well enough for that kind of humor yet.

(Girl, buying food at a Subway.)

Girl: Can I have a footlong meatball sub on … the fattening bread?

(Guy, leaving some girls at a bar.)

Guy: Call me! We’ll do something!

Girl: Yeah, sure!

(Guy leaves.)

Girl: Yeah, nobody likes him. He’s awkward and old and he has a really creepy family.

(Girl, on the phone.)

Girl: So I woke up on the porch this morning. Yup, right next to the grill and the beer. Yup, it was awesome.

(Mom, with family, in a sports bar.)

Mom: So wait, there are only two halves?

Daughter: Yeah, two halves.

Mom: I don’t get it. Why two?

Daughter: Well … like, there aren’t four, ’cause that’d be quarters.

Mom: I don’t understand.

(Guy, girl, talking in an office.)

Guy: So you wouldn’t go back in time and kill Hitler?

Girl: I don’t think I would, no.

Guy: Geez, I mean … maybe you look kind of Aryan …

Girl: I’m Jewish.

(Two guys, talking in a dorm room doorway.)

Guy 1: Dude, you’re drinking and you’re still not done with that assignment?

Guy 2: No, it’s done. I did it all in this special ink that only appears when you spill beer on it.

(Guy, ordering from Starbucks.)

Guy: Hi, can I get a venti Italian?

Barista: A … sorry, what?

Guy: Italian roast? Venti Italian roast.

Barista: Oh, oh. Coffee.

(Two guys, talking during a plane trip.)

Guy 1: You’re a priest. You think America needs a miracle right now?

Guy 2: Don’t know about America, but I need a hamburger right now.