On Being Victimized by a Real Life AOL Chat Perv

March 25, 2010 2:00 pm     Posted in Reality  Jasmine R. g+ page


By Jasmine R.

It was a day like any other. I woke up, slothed around, and then decided to take advantage of a free morning and trek to a bookstore. I immediately found a book that appealed to my inner political science junkie, found a fairly secluded section of the store, and started devouring geopolitical predictions for the next 100 years.

Out of nowhere, a gentleman sat down next to me, and immediately started his lame flirting game. I tried to blow him off with talk of a boyfriend, but he persisted in trying to engage me in conversation. I buried my head in my book. Rather than walking away, I had made a conscious decision to assert my autonomy and stay where I was. After all, I was there first. I felt I had an inalienable right to read wherever I wanted to.

While talking to me, the man laid his hand on my knee and I flinched and glared at him. This didn’t deter him. He then asked me if I wear thongs (hello, flashback to AOL chatrooms in the ’90s), and proceeded to elaborate on his freaky sexual proclivities. During this, he slid his hand up and down my leg, and I completely froze. I was shellshocked. I knew that I was being violated, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. He then asked me for a handjob – “it would only be quick,” he sleazed. I died inside. He touched my thigh for what felt like an eternity, though it could have only been a few seconds, and then he left me.

I started to shake. I felt vulnerable, and powerless, and infuriated. I was angry with him for his non-consensual touch, for devaluing me and the word “no,” for looking at me and seeing a sexual object and nothing more. For assaulting basic human boundaries just to get a cheap thrill.

Moreover, I was angry with myself. A barrage of questions inundated my head. Why didn’t I remove myself from the situation? Why did I sit there in silence, an act of passive approval? Why didn’t I try to get someone’s attention/assistance? Why didn’t I kick him/key him/dismember him in any way?

Then I felt profoundly guilty. I may not have been the first woman he had ever talked to and touched inappropriately, but I will also not be the last. Though he ultimately didn’t get what he wanted, he was in no way punished or hurt. He wasn’t degraded in any way. He has no reason to not approach another unsuspecting female and completely violate her. This made me angry all over again. He got to walk away from that experience unscathed, while I was left desperately need of a shower, with a whirlwind of negative emotions consuming my soul.

This man was fully grown, and presumably did not crawl out of a cave five seconds before our encounter. Consequently, he must have been aware of the rules and norms that govern civilized individuals, including the unspoken one that states “do not molest nor solicit sexual favors from a complete stranger in the middle of a bookstore ever.”

In order to regain some semblance of sanity and to feel less alone, I placed what happened to me in a larger societal context. Existing as a female is challenging. Our society is, as anyone who is remotely interested in the study of gender know, intrinsically misogynistic. Women are socialized to recognize this and act accordingly. We’re supposed to keep ourselves out of compromising positions to avoid “tempting” potential predators. But since when is being in a bookstore alone in the middle of the day at all dangerous? I refuse to live a paranoid, fearful life. It’s not fair. I didn’t do anything. Why can’t men, just, you know, not harass women?

While many men are legitimately disturbed and sexually deviant, many others do inappropriate things because they can. Because they’ve grown up in a society that constantly excuses egregious male conduct by saying “oh, boys will be boys.” Because society doesn’t expect much from boys. And society doesn’t value girls. And those realities collide regularly – for me, it was gropage in a bookstore. For another woman, maybe it’s when she’s hooking up with someone she knows and he goes further than she told him he could. Or maybe it’s when she’s at her favorite band’s show and some random fondles her. Those women weren’t at fault, and yet, in the discussion surrounding sexual harassment, inevitably it becomes an issue of what the women did or didn’t do to prevent it from happening to her. Instead, the question should be, “Why do men degrade women, and how do we stop them from doing so?”

30 Comments on "On Being Victimized by a Real Life AOL Chat Perv"

  1. dressdarling says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 20109:29 am 

    I'm so sorry that this happened to you. And I totally agree that there is not enough focus on keeping guys from doing this stuff to women. My dad always says "it's that girls fault for putting herself in that situation," but that's usually not the case.

    Great article, really well done.

  2. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 20109:52 am 

    I think some men degrade women because they feel powerless around them, and therefore to regain power, they treat the woman like crap. Women are the biggest threat to a man's self-esteem, and some men will stop at nothing to protect this.

    However, i do object to some of the overgeneralizations you made in this article. In particular, you say "While many men are legitimately disturbed and sexually deviant, many others do inappropriate things because they can. Because they’ve grown up in a society that constantly excuses egregious male conduct by saying “oh, boys will be boys.”Because society doesn’t expect much from boys. And society doesn’t value girls"

    This just seems like alarmist rhetoric that simply isn't true. While many men do see women as sex objections (because evolutionary speaking this is adaptive), the vast majority of men do not in any way act upon these impulses. I'm sure 90+% of men would have disapproved of the man in the bookstores behavior, and many probably would have helped you in that situation.

  3. Candie says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 20109:55 am 

    I'm sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to my friend by a professor and she too did nothing to stop him, not because she enjoyed it (eww) but because she was too stunned to do anything.

  4. Candie says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 20109:57 am 

    Oh and Marcus, I disagree with you that many men see women as sex "objections" (did you mean objects?) because it's evolutionarily adaptive. It's not.

  5. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:04 am 

    yea sorry i meant "sex objects"

  6. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:14 am 

    This is sexually adaptive because from an evolutionary perspective, an organism is expected to evolve to maximize its inclusive fitness—the number of copies of its genes passed on and they do this by producing the most possible offsrping.

    Because men can essentially have an unlimited number of children, whereas women can only have a handful of children at most, men evolve to want to have sex with as many different women as possible and not provide resources to any of them (this is what i mean by sex object), whereas women evolve to want just one man (having multiple partners dosen't allow them to have more children) who can provide for their offspring and increase their chance of survival.

  7. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:25 am 

    Also, I think what happened to the author is absolutely terrible and i'm sorry that she had to go through this. All people should be treated with kindness and respect, regardless of gender.

  8. cio says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:25 am 

    @ Marcus, while we're all glad to hear you've heard about the basics of evolutionary biology, it is an overgeneralization to say all men think of women as sex objects.

  9. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:38 am 

    I didn't say all I said many, and I think it's a relevant issue because it helps explain why some men see and treat women like objects, which is what the article was about.

  10. K says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:39 am 

    Sorry to hear what happened to you – it is tough being in a situation like that. When I found myself in one similar I too froze. It's remarkable how you think you'll be able to stand up against that person and kick butt, but in reality it's just too surreal something like that is happening.

    @Marcus, I definitely agree about the biological aspect of what you're saying. Women attach to a strong, more suitable mate to ensure they will continue to have viable offspring. Men, however, are capable of going off and having numerous offspring with countless women, so for me, being with one woman is a new adaptive, social pressure.

  11. cio says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:57 am 

    I think that you guys are forgetting that evolutionary behaviour is duh, not a constant. Although changes occur over a very long period, it has been a very long period since the cavemen, sleep with every woman you see, have five thousand babies… While men still have urges that are remnants of this adaptation, it doesn't give any man a biological justification to objectify any woman (I know you were saying that you don't think it is right, but actually, there is not a biological justification). Think about it, if you sleep with women who have slept with many men (because you think they're easy), then if they have a child you might not know it is yours. In terms of evolution, this would be bad for the male, because it doesn't maximize fitness. And if the author had gone off with a guy she barely knew, how would he know that she hadn't done the same with other men, etc… therefore that behaviour is not working as an inherited trait honed by natural selection. "While sociobiology is predicated on the observation that genes do affect behavior, it is perfectly consistent to be a sociobiologist while arguing that measured IQ variations between individuals reflect mainly cultural or economic rather than genetic factors." You see the flaw in overgeneralizing?

  12. Kelly - Simmons Coll says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201011:13 am 

    1. Classifying any behavior as "evolutionarily adaptive" should be done cautiously because, a. evolution is only a theory (though an incredibly strong one) and b. theories about why behavior would be adaptive are only theories and these theories have significantly less evidence than the theory of evolution itself.

    2. Even if a behavior is "evolutionarily adaptive," this doesn't make it acceptable. Infringing on the rights of another is never okay, even if the same behavior would have been beneficial 500 years ago. Society has evolved, even if behavior hasn't, and arguments explaining away inappropriate behavior as "adaptive" only serve to justify and perpetuate the behavior.

  13. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201011:33 am 

    @CIO- In that scenario, the guy dosen't care whether the woman sleeps with a lot of other men because he is not donating any time or resources to her, therefore by sleeping with her he has nothing to lose, and a lot to game (a potential child).

    @CIO and Kelly- I completely agree that even if a behavior is “evolutionarily adaptive, that this doesn’t make it acceptable. What the guy did was obviously wrong. There is no justification that can make what he did acceptable.

    I was just using evolution as a possible answer to the authors question, "Why do men degrade women? It's not the only reason and it in no way implies that degrading women is acceptable.

  14. cio says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201011:53 am 

    @marcus- the problem with that idea is that if the man has sex to have children, when the woman had a child, he would give up time and resources to protect the child while it grows, and then has it's own family… but if the man wasn't sure that the child was his, he WOULD be wasting resources.

  15. Marcus says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201012:18 pm 

    The only reason (evolutionarily speaking) for the man to give his child time and resources is to increase the childs chances of survival. But the man only has a limited amount of resources so he can only provide for a couple children. Alternatively, he could just go out and sleep with as many women as possible and not provide for any of them. Granted the survival rate for each individual child would be lower in this scenario, but the total number of children produced would be greater.

    Again, i'm speaking about evolution which occurred many many years ago. No one does this now, except for maybe NBA stars.

  16. Nina says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 20103:46 pm 

    You could still do something. You could go to the police and tell them what happened and work with a sketch artist to get a good picture of the guy. Then they can distribute fliers to businesses in the area so their employees can keep a look out. That way if he does it again and a woman actually speaks up about it right away the business can contact the police. He is a sex offender/predator and needs to be stopped.

    I don't blame you for being too shocked to say anything but you can still do something about it!

  17. cio says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 20108:22 pm 

    @Nina- good idea!

    @Marcus- genetic traits that would encourage that behaviour (having children without providing) are not considered viable in terms of evolution. If they weren`t viable back then, they sure as hell don`t explain the situation at hand. The success of sexual selection results not just from a high number of children, but the quality or probable success of the offspring, e.g. reproductive fitness. So unless you`re talking about positive feedback, which is really stretching the argument super thin… it just doesn`t make sense.

    Scenarios:

    `The parent has too many children. If so many children were born that the resulting death or misery rate reduced the number of the children who had children, evolution would see this as detrimental.“

    `The parent does not take good care of his children. If society does not interfere by taking care of the children for him, the suffering children are less likely to raise children of their own and evolution would judge that the condition is detrimental.“

    (and society taking care of children, e.g. welfare, is relatively new)

    and remember this is all theoretical, not accounting for the numerous societal, cultural and economic factors…

    and NBA players would be using their resources… e.g. child support, although this is a moot point considering DNA testing… which has not been around long enough to change an evolutionary trait, even if it could theoretically do so.

  18. Angeline says:
    Thu, 25th Mar 201010:20 pm 

    @Nina, whilst we all would like for this to happen – it usually is too traumatizing for the victim to have to retell other people in positions of authority (like male policemen or even female policewomen) about the assault (because what this creep did to the author is assault). That's why so few rapes are ever reported.

    I've been exactly in the same situation except I was groped by a group of guys. In the moment, I acted exactly like the author did. I froze, feebly shouted 'Piss off' and got the hell out of the bookstore feeling like a slut even though I hadn't done anything to provoke them.

  19. Debbie Downer says:
    Fri, 26th Mar 20108:02 am 

    Please don't mistake this pervert for a 'man'. To approach a women like that is shameless… I only hope there weren't any other men around who noticed this pig's behavior and were not compelled to reintroduce gentlemen qualities to him. Sorry this happened, hope you get the chance to talk to someone about it and reconcile it… please don't blame yourself for anything he did or will do in the future.

  20. NinaTheHun says:
    Fri, 26th Mar 20109:04 am 

    Where I live, a 13-year old girl was attacked on a bus a few weeks ago. An older man twice her size cornered her and started touching her, she started screaming and crying but NONE of the passengers reacted. They just LITERALLY turned their heads the other way. Thankfully, the driver noticed what was happening, stopped the bus and closed all the doors to prevent the guy from escaping. The passengers then jumped off of their seats and tried to force the driver into opening the doors because "they were in a hurry".

    They were mostly adult males, all capable of helping this girl out.

    I'm not saying the abuser wasn't guilty or anything, but I think there should be some kind of punishment for those kind of people too – the ones who turn their heads and ignore. They are one of the main reasons most victims keep quiet about their experiences. By ignoring this, we are teaching the victims that it's ok for them to be treated this way. And no one, NO ONE, male or female, should ever feel like its ok to be assaulted.

  21. Joey Fitone says:
    Tue, 30th Mar 201011:22 pm 

    This is so made up. Or severely exaggerated. What the F is wrong with you that you "froze" as some stranger was touching your inner thigh! Anyone with any sense would scream or yell or punch the bastard in the balls. That is a very vulnerable spot and it would be a natural reaction to back the fuck up.

    So you just sit there and let some bastard touch you. What an idiot.

  22. Matt says:
    Thu, 1st Apr 20109:23 am 

    Ok, so here is where I have to voice my opinion. There are scumballs out there, and there are people who take advantage of others, it is just fact. If I were sitting down at a coffee shop and someone came up to men and proceeded to take the wallet that I left on the table infront of me, I WOULD DO SOMETHING. People will take advantage of you if you do nothing. This is not to say that the person attempting to take from you is in the right, they are wrong, but you must be willing to act in a manner to protect what is yours, whether that is your body, or your belongings.

  23. Jess. says:
    Thu, 1st Apr 20107:14 pm 

    @Joey Fitone and Matt:

    First of all, it's very easy to say what you "would have done" in any situation that happened to someone else. We've all been in a situation where afterwards we think about all the things we could have done and said, but in the moment, sometimes you just freeze, and the writer explained this.

    Second of all, unless you have ever been a woman (which maybe you are, I'm just going by names here), there's not a lot you can say to convince me that you understand what this girl was feeling. I understand the point that you have to be willing to protect yourself, but in situations like this it is rarely that simple.

  24. Star says:
    Thu, 1st Apr 20109:52 pm 

    It's actually a very common reaction to freeze up, especially among women. Women are taught to take everything with a smile and not make a fuss or appear rude. It's embarrassing and shocking when something like that happens and often people simply have no idea what to do.

    Joey's attitude is exactly the kind of dumb, sexist behavior that causes people to blame women for rape and creates the problem in the first place. However I think he's probably just a troll to begin with.

  25. Maria says:
    Fri, 2nd Apr 20105:03 am 

    This is such a sucky situation. I'm sorry it happened to you.

    After hearing the stories of many women's first encounters with sexually predatory behavior, I've learned that many of us are passive that first time because we are in shock and we've never been in such a situation before. So then we are traumatized twice – once by the man who thinks he has a right to the bodies of the women around him and once by what we view as a betrayal of ourselves. And, if you're unlucky enough to have commenters like Joey and Matt, traumatized a third time by people who have never been in such a situation judging our personal experiences. But, it's perfectly natural to freeze when in a new and potentially dangerous situation.

    So, it's just that first time that shock overtakes us. The second time (and sadly, it seems that there is always a second, third, fourth time), we're not shocked anymore, we're angry. And that's when everyone better watch out.

  26. Kimberly says:
    Fri, 2nd Apr 20106:30 am 

    Go back to the bookstore NOW and tell the managers what happened. It's understandable to freeze up in the moment, but this guy sounds like he's got a very well-practiced MO. You probably weren't the first woman he did this to, and you might not be the last.

    It's all well and good to discuss this to death, but this is a situation where action is required. By not doing anything, you are not only allowing him to get away with unacceptable behavior, you are also allowing society to be unaware of this creep. At some point, you must trust that others will support you, and you must give them the opportunity to do so.

    I've been in the exact same situation, and although I am a naturally shy person, I was outraged enough that I yelled at the pervert who was bothering me. Not all women are going to act on the spot, but if you don't, you have to take the initiative to act after the fact. It's not fair that his creepy behavior forces you to do something, but its reality, and now is the time to steel yourself and do it.

  27. jason says:
    Fri, 2nd Apr 20107:15 am 

    I agree with Kimberly. I hate what happened to you! I'm angry about it. I'm also a bit frustrated that you wondered why you didn't dismember him, but dropped that line of inquiry. I'd suggest that it is because you lack the skills necessary to protect yourself. Rather than attending to the intellectual/social issues, please get the skills, identify the barriers that prevented you from becoming "appropriately violent" in this situation, or taking appropriate protective action – whatever its form. Hey, not all violence is bad. It can be a good teaching tool, in a rare pinch like this, and a good protective tool. Of course, I would have loved to read that the loser wound up curled up on the floor clutching his nuts as you walked smugly away, having landed a good kick with a pointy boot.

  28. Star says:
    Fri, 2nd Apr 20101:46 pm 

    Violence can also cause more violence. What if she'd reacted by hitting the guy and he'd attacked her back? You shouldn't assume everything can be solved by violence. Men are typically stronger than the average woman and fighting back can cause more serious injury.

  29. Kimberly says:
    Sat, 3rd Apr 20106:43 pm 

    Actually, violence is often really good at stopping violence, if one knows what they're doing. But hell, just yelling, or raising one's voice, would have been helpful here. Guys who pull this kind of crap are NOT tough macho men; they're men who are very perceptive about spotting vulnerability. They pick on women who they think will not fight back.

    Women should not be afraid of initiating loud, violent, self-defensive action, whether that be mace, screaming, or a karate chop. They shouldn't use the greater strength of men as a reason to do nothing. They need to learn how to start teaching perverts a lesson!

  30. Dee says:
    Wed, 21st Apr 20107:05 am 

    I read the article and was not at all surprised. I was once in a similar situation, but the difference was that I was violated by someone with a mental illness. He frequented a library I went to, and he pinned me in a doorway and kept saying how pretty I was. I had no idea he was mentally handicapped (he didn't appear delayed during that exchange) and he inappropriately touched me. I have to say, it is shocking when you are in a situation like that. My mind went completely blank and I could not think. It was as if it was in limbo between fight or flight, and God's honest truth, I had no idea what to do. I left, completely rattled and scared out of my mind. An hour later, I called to speak with the head of the library and came to sit down to discuss what had happened. It was explained to me that the man more than likely had no recognition as to right/wrong touching, or how he came off. While I understand that, I had to think of others. After all, there are children that go there, too. I do not know what exactly the appropriate response would have been, but I do know that I was told that it was basically no big deal, but they would speak to him. To those that pass judgment, I hope that your wives or daughters never encounter such individuals. Believe me, it's a whole 'nother kettle of fish when your family is assaulted. Besides that, you'll most likely be the reason that your women have psychological hangups in the future over it.

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