Bad Boyfriend Rehab
Somehow in the past year it became common practice for famous husbands to cheat on their wives (multiple times) and drag them through an insane media circus culminating in a trip to rehab.
Tiger did it.
And now Jesse James is on his way, too.
Now, I can actually get behind rehab for sex addiction, but seriously? These guys seem to have a very specific kind of problem: the I sleep with grimy pornstars instead of my super-hot wife who actually loves me disorder. Right. It seems that rehab has turned into a holding cell for generally douchy men and if that’s the case, what’s next?
Belligerent Drunk Therapy
For the guy who thinks he’s a WWE wrestler every time he drinks. He picks fights with the bouncer who makes him wait in line, with the guy who accidentally bumped into him while walking through the crowded bar, the random guy in the pink shirt (because “pink shirts are for pussies”). He puffs out his chest at anyone and everyone and can’t take a shot without throwing a punch. But don’t dump him, baby. He can go to rehab!
Bro Addiction Therapy
He’s all sweet and mushy when the two of you are alone, but get him with his friends and it’s like you don’t exist. Suddenly he’s a swaggering cocky bro who will do just about anything to impress his boys. Crush a beer can on his head? Duh. Hit on other girls at the bar? Why not? Stand you up for date night to play HALO with the boys for 7 hours? These are his boys, yo, get over it. This is nothing Dr. Drew can’t handle….
Aw, he can’t help being a slacker! There’s too much going on in the living room for him to leave it! I mean, when the TV and the bong are in there, he’d rather go hungry than stand up to do anything. He just sits there. all. day. long. He barely takes care of himself, let alone do anything special for you. But he’s not a bad boyfriend, he just has an addiction. To slothiness. All he needs is 6 weeks in treatment, right?
Committment Phobia Therapy
Perhaps a nice spin around a couple of group sharing sessions will bring him to his senses.
Jealous Rage Rehab
He flexes his muscles at anyone who looks at you, constantly calls you when you’re out with the girls and has been going through your phone for months. Which, mind you, he wouldn’t have to do if you stopped acting so suspiciously. Don’t kick him to the curb – just get him some help, Tiger-style.