Ask A Dude: I Don’t Want to be Someone’s Rebound

April 7, 2010 4:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  The Dude g+ page


By The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I’m later into college and I met this amazing guy right at the beginning of my freshman year. We both had an instant connection. We were very flirty, but when I found out he had a girlfriend, I toned it down. We still talked, but never really hung out. I later found out that was because his girlfriend at the time was incredibly jealous of other girls. Well, he just recently broke it off with his LONG term girlfriend and we ended up making out soon after and more than once. He’s such a sweet/caring guy and when we’ve been together for the time we made out, we were together for SEVERAL hours at a time, and also had amazing conversation! He says that he’s attracted to me, finds me incredibly fun to talk to (he’s said that he honestly can’t think of someone he can enjoy talking for as long), that he’ really enjoyed spending that time with me and that I’m this amazing kisser that can also, well, turn him on. He’s also a virgin and not looking to have sex until marriage, so I don’t think he’s saying things to get into my pants. (Right?!)

We’re very open with each other and he’s told me point-blank that I’m not a rebound, but he definitely wants to be single for a while, which I totally understand! I think people need to take a break after getting out of a long serious relationship to find themselves.  He calls me his friend and we are, but I don’t know if it will ever progress into something else. I’m not looking to jump right into a relationship, but I don’t just mindlessly makeout with my friends, so I’m not exactly sure where this is going – if it is at all. Is it just that the timing is off or will it progress?  Maybe I should take things chill, show him I’m not the jealous type, and down the road he’ll see that things could possibly work.

I would love to here your opinion and advice!
Thanks so much,
Don’t Wanna Be a Rebound


Dear Don’t Wanna Be a Rebound,

Will you live happily ever after? That is the question du jour. Last week we talked about going back in time and starting over, this week we must gaze into our crystal ball to see the future. The problem is: no one’s dealing with the present!

First of all, bravo to the boy in question for getting rid of his paranoid schizoid ex. A lot of men fall into the traps of possessive women. In my experience it’s a sign of a fully grown backbone and self-confidence to leave a crappy relationship. A lot of people can’t seem to believe there’s someone else out there that would respect and trust her/him enough to have her/his own life. The girlfriend/boyfriend who’s threatened by every member of their gender should be stamped with a Surgeon General’s warning. Having the guts to escape from his cell is a big check in the plus column for your Prince Charming candidate.

I am skeptical of a man that says he’s saving himself for marriage; that’s the cynical agnostic in me. I’ve met a guy or two that have used that line as a form of foreplay toward his conquest. However, to be in a long-term relationship and still claim you’re a virgin seems counterproductive, therefore let us take him at his word (you do realize that virgins take time to ripen into proficient lovers, right?). Still, men saving themselves for marriage seem like masochistic submissives unless it’s some sort of a Lent bet (ala Josh Hartnett in 40 Days and 40 Nights, a movie that could have offered so much more than Vinessa Shaw’s cleavage).  Just my personal opinion, don’t take it for gospel.

Your virgin Marvin (instead of Mary, get it? Get it?…my apologies to the Catholics) is in a vulnerable spot. After being a “we” for a long time one feels the need to reconnect with who “me” is. By allowing him room to breathe you’re upping your market value, however, some other fish could snap him up. In the wise words of Sarah Walker, “don’t freak out!” You’ve got options:

Cut out the kissing: You’re not pressuring him for any kind of relationship so he shouldn’t expect you to put yourself out there. This might further entice him as well. Spending time with someone you want to hook up with, but knowing you can’t, can be a turn on. Ah men, how simple we are. Once we have a bite of the carrot all you need to do is dangle it in front of us and we’ll follow unto our doom (or bliss).

Silent treatment: If he wants space then give him space, from you! Perhaps he can’t bear your loss. Perhaps he comes crawling to your door saying he can’t live without you. The flip side is he could distract himself with a bunch of ho’s and forget your number.

Florence Nightingale Syndrome: Nurse him through the post-break up stage. However, you’ll have to set the boundary that neither one tells the other about anyone else you drunkenly make out with. This leads me to your final choice…

Make him jealous: Go out on a couple dates with a hot guy and DON’T TELL HIM ANY DETAILS. The less you say other than, “it was great,” the more his imagination will drive him mad with scenarios where you’re humping his competition in a waterbed with awesome Superman sheets. This insanity will drive him to act. However, this is extremely manipulative terrain.

For my money, I’d go with #1. He’s been honest with you and you should be with him. Be there as a friend, but treat him like one as well. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of – don’t be a door mat and don’t be a booty call either. Be the person you want him to be with, the one he’s yet to find a way to resist: be yourself. Let him know your feelings toward him and then be patient, you can’t force timing. You can’t see where this is going to lead. You can put yourself out there, relax, and enjoy the ride. Don’t worry, my Spider-sense sees the two of you tearing each other’s clothes off on a rainy night within the next 3 months…or was that the movie I saw on Cinemax at 3am?

I wish you love,
Nostra-Dude

9 Comments on "Ask A Dude: I Don’t Want to be Someone’s Rebound"

  1. Maggie says:
    Wed, 7th Apr 201011:42 am 

    For once, I disagree with Dude's advice. The fact that you were both very flirty with each other while he had a girlfriend raises up a ton of red flags. If he was messing with around with other girls around his then girlfriend's back, what's to say he won't do it if you guys get together?

    Also, Dude's advice about playing games is stupid. If you're interested in a serious, mature relationship with this guy, don't lead him on or manipulate him. That definitely doesn't spell out long-term relationship.

    Finally, I don't respect girls who flirt with guys who are taken. I'm not sure what your motivation behind that was – low self-esteem or pure skankiness – but maybe that's something that you should watch out for in the future.

  2. Lauren - University says:
    Wed, 7th Apr 201012:02 pm 

    Whoa. That's a bit harsh, don't you think? never once did it say that either of these people crossed the line. Is every girl a skank who is friends with someone who has a girlfriend? They didn't do anything until they broke up.

    As for the games, in a perfect world no one has to play them, but this girl is obviously in a gray area and needs to do something to protect her own feelings. He's stated he doesnt want a relationship right now, but he is enjoying the perks without the commitment. Maybe it seems like a game to play hard to get or back off a bit, but if that is what it takes to either a) get this guy to realize what he wants or b) get this girl to figure out this guy is not what she wants, then it's really just what she needs to do to sort things out. And who are you to judge?

  3. marley says:
    Wed, 7th Apr 201012:03 pm 

    I had the same relationship with my guy. First semester of college, he was very flirty, not with all girls, but with me. There was a serious spark, and we both felt it whenever we locked eyes.

    so long story short, his long distance gf in hs broke up with him. We dated for a couple weeks, i broke it off, knowing i was the rebound. We still hooked up every weekend or so, then three months later, clear headed and crazy about each other, he asked me out again, and we are now going on two years of dating. So, yes a rebound relationship can

    turn into a real one, it depends on the person. People need time to recover from break ups and look at new relationships clear headed.

    Also, i see nothing wrong with innocent flirting, esp if its ldr, no one's jealous and no harm's done, and sometimes its just fun and nothing more. Everyone is trying to figure themselves out as freshman, and i think opening one's eyes up to new possibilities is just fine.

    So taking things chill sounds like the best idea to me.

  4. criolle johnny says:
    Wed, 7th Apr 20102:59 pm 

    It never seems to occur to women that men have (some of) the same feelings and concerns.

    Imagine meeting a fem, a NICE young lady. She’s girl-next-door cute. She actually LISTENS and offers intelligent comments. She disagrees on some issues, and actually knows why, not just emotion, facts!

    She knows what fork to use. She’s dressed well, not stodgy, but well. When she crosses the room, heads turn and eyes go up and down. Men are struggling to think of something to say to her, but she’s standing beside YOU, holding your hand.

    The evening progresses and somehow you find yourself in some sort of cuddle and everything FITS! She sorta has curves wherever you have bumps and her bumpy spots are SOFT! You can smell her breath, her hair … and slowly it begins to dawn upon you that you are only filling in that empty space until the RIGHT guy comes along to replace the guy who just dumped her.

    Of course, us guys don’t feel guilt. So you just play along and jump her bones for the night, right? It never bothers you, right? She OWES you, right? Naturally, this will have no impact on your future relationships.

    Then some other blogger will comment on how “someone has hurt you because you seem so bitter”.

    I cannot get this point across to the xx community. Men also have feelings. We can be hurt. These things also matter to us. Sometime in the ‘70’s women told men to share our feelings and our needs. Now women are bent out of shape because we have so many of them! Now they don’t wanna hear it.

    … or they just want ammunition for the next argument.

    gonna pour some candles, always cheers me

  5. Jasmine says:
    Wed, 7th Apr 20103:40 pm 

    Completely off topic, but I do enjoy all of these Chuck references. Glad to know I am not the only college student completely obsessed with that show. =)

  6. Lauren H- The New Sc says:
    Thu, 8th Apr 20109:38 am 

    While I don't think "playing games" is the best idea for starting a long term relationship, I don't really think that's what the dude is saying. Of course they should stop making out, not to make him needy or whatever, just because he's kind of having his cake and eating it too while she's baking a cake and not getting a crumb. They should at least be on an even playing field if something is going to start up.

    And @criolle johnny – are you ok, dude? seemed a little personal there

  7. criolle johnny says:
    Thu, 8th Apr 20109:55 am 

    Thanks for your concern Lauren. Works fine, fails safe, drains to the bilge. (All is well, pouring something called Creme Brulee candles.)

  8. Maggie says:
    Thu, 8th Apr 20102:52 pm 

    Lauren, they were flirting with each other while he was dating another girl. How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing that? If she needs to take all these measures to protect herself from getting hurt, then maybe she should reevaluate her standards for men.

    Also, Marley, innocent flirting may be fine, but who's to say when it'll cross the line to something else? I'm in a long-distance relationship and I can tell you that neither my boyfriend nor I would be okay with each other flirting with other people because we are very committed to each other. Perhaps that was a different case for you & your boyfriend, but I don't believe that just because someone is in a long-distance relationship, their morals should be more lax.

  9. Sarah says:
    Thu, 8th Apr 20108:39 pm 

    Some people just have flirty personalities. Sounds like him and her both could have them. He didn't cheat on his girlfriend and she didn't instigate anything. So, I don't understand what the problem is. She also did state that when she found out she had a girlfriend, she stopped. So, Maggie, why are you calling her a skank? Sounds like she knew where her place was. You have no right to call her that.

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