I learned about fake orgasms from The Simpsons. When I was a kid, I remember watching an episode in which Bart’s class was watching a sex-ed video. In the back of the class, smoking a cigarette, Mrs. Crabapple whispers under her breath “oh, she’s faking it.” Faking what, I didn’t really know at the time, and of course my sister replied to my questions with the standard “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” but it just took a little more whining and she told me everything.
And who could forget Meg Ryan’s character in When Harry Met Sally producing the most infamous fake orgasm in movie history (if you haven’t seen it, you need to watch it now). In that scene, Sally proves she’s not only a great actress, but she also points out a rather sad but realistic fact — “most women at one time or another have faked it.”
To do a little research for this article, I made my way over to Google and searched the simple term “faking it.” I was shocked — there were at least 4 results on how to fake an orgasm, how to hide faking an orgasm, what it meant to fake an orgasm, and only one link on how to have an actual orgasm. And that was just the first page. Wait… what?
Allow me to let you in on a little secret: while we all have our reasons to fake it, if you want your partner to do what they need to do to make you have a real one, you have to stop faking your orgasms. Women get themselves into a vicious cycle once they fake it. It usually starts with good intentions because no one wants to hurt their partner’s feelings with the dreaded “I don’t think it’s going to happen.” So you fake it, everyone’s ego is intact, and you can carry on with your day. But here’s the problem – if your partner thinks they’re doing it right (right enough for you to finish) how will they know to change what they’re doing so you can actually get there? Well, that’s the thing, they won’t.
The biggest problem a lot of people have with their sex life is that they are afraid to communicate. As a woman, I know that we’re subliminally told that “nice girls” don’t ask for what they want in bed. There’s still a bit of 1950s mentality when it comes to women and sex, and that’s something that needs to change. If it’s not happening for you, talking to your partner about what you need is really the first step. Nicely, of course. Something along the lines of “hey, I saw this thing in a movie once and thought maybe we could try it…” or “I think (insert what you want here) would be really cool, let’s try it!”
So what if you’ve been faking it for three years and don’t know how to tell your partner? Well, that’s easy… don’t tell them. I know, I know, it sounds awful, but not as awful as your partner will feel when they find out you’ve been lying to them for three years. But you need to stop faking it. Pretend that not being able to finish is something new, and you don’t know why all of the sudden it’s just not working. How weird! But hey, maybe if your partner tries (insert what you want here), it might do the trick. And voila, hopefully there’ll be fireworks and toe curls and loud (authentic) screams in no time.
But all of this seems like a lot of work to reverse a mistake you made in the first place. Just don’t fake it, enjoy sex for what it is and try to take the pressure off. It helps to understand that it doesn’t have to end in orgasm every single time. And for you ladies who’ve never had an orgasm? Don’t worry, I’ll touch on masturbation and self exploration next week ;)