Colleges Introduce “Male Studies” Program

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"So you see, class, that is why men think fart jokes are funny."

Traditionally, many universities offer an array of courses under the department of Women’s Studies.  As an acceptable area of study, it is a bit confusing why its counterpart, Men’s Studies, is not more prevalent.  Although it does exist, its main focus is typically on social construction of masculinity.  This week, New York’s Wagner College announced the new “Foundation for Male Studies” to supplement what Men’s Studies is lacking.  Its purpose is to focus on “the male as male” and the “purpose of maleness.”  Clearly a topic we are all dying to be educated on.

In order to properly teach the male as male curriculum, a set of rules has already been set forth so that the classroom setting mirrors how men act in real life.  For example, if a student needs extra help with his work, or is feeling overwhelmed by the demands of the course, the student must text message his teacher to discuss these issues.  Meeting with the teacher face to face would only solve things efficiently and ease communication: obviously too easy.  Instead, to protect his maleness, he must attempt this text conversation and wait half an hour in between each response so that both parties will end up more confused than when they started. 

Of course, each assignment comes with a confidentiality code.  This way, the student can reveal that they may in fact have a soul through their essays, but will not have to worry that their peers will ever hear their soft-spoken words, thus belittling their maleness.

As far as the “purpose” of maleness, a sample list of course offerings is as follows:

-“The Psychology of a Sports Fanatic”…to understand why men can become frighteningly angry, or even brought to tears because a team of athletes who are completely unrelated to them in any way lost a game to another team who will they will also never come into contact with.

-“The Human Brain and the Video Game”…to understand the relationship between brain activity and video games and how the male brain cannot shift its attention away from a video game until it has decided on its own that it is time.

-“Characterization of Male Eating Habits”…a course that will count as a health credit. It’s objectives will be to be able to identify certain food and drink such as burritos and beer are inherently “male” while consuming foods such as salad, bananas, or diet Snapple would destruct maleness.

Of course, language courses are still in development.  Basic “Text Message Analysis 101” will be offered in the fall while more difficult courses such as “It’s not you, it’s me” are still in the works as the professors themselves are still not in complete understanding.

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