Single. And Sorta Dealing With a Breakup

April 9, 2010 4:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Emmy g+ page


By Emmy

That’s it. I have decided: the most complicated part of college is not chemistry labs, understanding my political science professor’s accent (though that might be second), or even trying to figure out which major to be. The worst, most confusing part is trying to figure out those more-than-friends-but-not-really-officially-anything relationships.

That in-between stage of limbo is an awful place to be. For me at least. For some people, casual relationships or friends with benefits can work perfectly fine, but I just cannot figure it out. Maybe it’s because I had such a serious boyfriend all through high school, or just because I am kind of a serious person, but I hate that in-between stage.

I hate wondering if he’s going to call, and if he does, wondering if it’s a friendship call or a more-than-friendship call. I can’t stand zoning out during class and thinking about him, then wondering if he ever thinks of me at all. I get frustrated by the amount of time I spend analyzing his every word, because we’ve never flat-out discussed what we are and what we’re not. I hate wondering if that drunken hook up is a mistake, something that’s going to keep on happening, or something we’ll be doing sober, too.

I need some definition! 

Especially after the fact, when it’s all said and done. As confusing as these whole in-between relationships can be, it’s the ending that’s the hardest, because there are no rules for it. When you break up with a boyfriend, you’re allowed to be sad or upset. You know how much time you get, whether or not you’re allowed to call him, and total freedom to drown your sorrows in beer and ice cream. But when you were, like, a ‘thing’ with a boy, and then it just sorta ends… what do you do?

Are you allowed to be upset?
Should you be upset?
Can you hang out with that person anymore, or do you have to spend the rest of the school year pretending to be on your cell phone when you’re walking down the hall so you don’t have to have awkward conversation?
Can you expect candy and treats from the girlfriends?

I’m dealing with this all right now and I don’t know what to think. I wish the fact that we were never dating would save me from awkwardness when I run into him in the dining hall, but it seems to have the opposite affect. Especially when I see him there with some other chick. I want to go back to the way things were before, but I’m beginning to see that might not be possible. And at the same time, I feel like I should just be over it all already. Whatever “it” was.

Sigh. This makes me almost long for the old days of my high school where relationships were more clearly defined. OK, that’s a lie; nothing could make me want to go back to high school. I just wish things were a little more cut and dry here. And that my professor spoke intelligible English.

26 Comments on "Single. And Sorta Dealing With a Breakup"

  1. Kelly says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 201012:40 pm 

    I couldn't agree more with this! Wish I would not have even started it because after it's all said and done you really lose a friend, and not in the same way that you lose a friend when you break up with a boyfriend. Another bad part is that because it is so serious if you have a drunken fight or an awkward run in you are just chalked up to being a crazy. When if you had the same run in with an ex or a fight with a boyfriend it would be a normal part of the relationship.

  2. Ryan says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 20102:26 pm 

    This is the best post I've ever read on this site. It's totally accurate.

  3. Angie Marie says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 20102:33 pm 

    This describes my situation perfectly! ugh.

    But great post!

  4. Bella.b says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 20103:02 pm 

    Let's think about this, you want rules for relationships, you want things to be more black and white and "defined", yet you're breaking the rules by sleeping with the guy BEFORE you're officially dating.

    There WERE rules, things WERE clear and defined, but sexual liberation shot, killed, and buried the rules.

    I'm not saying sexual liberation is a bad thing, or you're a bad person for sleeping with a guy you're not in a relationship with. Personally, I do think it screws up the system, but that's just me and you certainly don't have to agree, to each their own, but when you blatantly disregard the rules, don't complain that there aren't any, because there are, you're just choosing not to follow them.

  5. thehatingexpert says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 20103:55 pm 

    http://thehatingexpert.wordpress.com/2010/01/12/h…

  6. Emmy - Loyola Univer says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 201010:22 pm 

    Ohhh Bella, I am sure that you mean well, but when I said I was a serious person I was not joking. I would never have sex with anyone other than a boy that I have been in a relationship with for a considerable amount of time, and I don't want you to assume otherwise. Call me boring or old-fashioned, but I just wanted to set the record straight.

  7. shari says:
    Fri, 9th Apr 201011:08 pm 

    best post ever. i'm in an awkward in-between thing right now and it's so frustrating!

  8. Cecilia says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 20101:17 am 

    I think you should tell the guy the way you feel.I mean,before the romance I suppose was there,there was a friendship,and it's obvious he was interested too.If things didn't work out there's no reason to be childish about it and he should know it.And yes,you have all the right to be sad.

  9. Marie says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 20106:36 am 

    Perfect timing. I'm at that exact sitution and I couldn't agree with everything you've written more. Funny thing is, I go to LUC too. What is it with these guys? I think you're allowed to be sad. After all, even if it wasn't the end of an "official" relationship, it was the end of your hopes for one which can be just as painful.

  10. Jen says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 20108:18 am 

    I've always had relationships in college and I'm in my first 'thing' right now. And wow does it suck.

    I think personally before it ends (it's time sensitive because he's a senior) I'll say something, but since he is leaving, and because I've never had to put myself out on a limb like this, or been in an undefined relationship, it's really scary.

    You discuss all of the factors -around- the feelings, but what about the feelings themselves? Yes, its awkward and undefined, but isn't it painful too?

    Anyway, good article.

  11. Tati says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 201011:39 am 

    Omgosh story of my life!

    And I think you have every right to go through all the regular break up stages for a "thing". Your feelings are your feelings, simple as that.

  12. Crystal says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 20102:35 pm 

    Currently going through the same thing. Since I'm the one ending it, I don't feel like I have the right to be sad and mopey, but I still am! He's fighting to take me back, but there's no "back" because there's no relationship and no future.

  13. Rose says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 20103:28 pm 

    This is exactly what I'm going through, as well. Apparently the guy I was with, even though we hung out pretty much every other day, had sex on the weekends and went on a few pizza dates, didn't think we were "dating."

    I hate this!

  14. Meredith says:
    Sat, 10th Apr 20104:08 pm 

    this is exactly what happened to me the last two weeks. so relatable, I'm sooo glad I'm not the only one who's been there. great post!!

  15. Mel says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20106:56 am 

    Gosh. Glad to know I'm not the only one. Like… for reals. Except I'm at the awkward point AFTER I said "Hey I like you" and he says "I like you too but *word vomit*" Hells yeah, man. u_u

  16. Me says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20101:47 pm 

    Oh my gosh, I just come across this and I could not have found anything that has summed up my past 'thing' more! A bit you missed though, what about when you are wondering if you are thinking more about the 'thing' than he is? You may be seeing him as boyfriend potential where as the whole time, you and he were just 'hooking up' and all that time you didn't realise?!

    Why is it so difficult?! Why does there have to be limbo?!

  17. Pippa says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20108:30 pm 

    Apparently, this happens to almost everyone! I’m (also) going through something similar and I’ve come to the conclusion that most guys (esp in college!) will take as much as they can get and love playing the field, which they see “hooking up” as. Unfortunately, that means that if you are hot, nice, social, approachable, funny, etc.- you are more of a target. And, it also unfortunately means that unless we become nazis about it and force them to define things too early (bad option- as it can backfire!! and it’s “just awkward”), they can sometimes “get away with” the dumping which isn’t really dumping because who knows if you were even in a “relationship” in the first place?- also obviously a bad option!

    Ironically, the guy I was with starting bragging to people about how he had dated me after he ended it ??? (which he did by ignoring me for a week after we almost-thank god, almost!-slept together. Classy.)Then he started dating an 18 yr old (I’m 21, he’s 26) and bringing her to events that he had invited me to as his plus one originally. That’s how I found out that, not only were they dating, but that (after about a day) they were “in a relationship” according to the lovely FB.

    Basically, after ignoring him for about 2 weeks followed by him harassing me via text and in person, I had coffee with him to try to save the friendship (cause I like being friends with exes when poss) He came over like a St. Apologizing a million times for how he had ended it, telling me how much he liked me and how I was “amazing” and “super hot” and he was super attracted to me but, he was now seeing someone else. I thought all was good and that we could be friends and for about a week it was. He was making a real effort, calling me everyday (!!??) coming over to sit with me and my friends at lunch (lol- high school flashback!), when my sis visited making sure to meet her, taking us out, carrying my bag around campus (!!??), taking me to coffee and paying..

    Then he tried to get with me, told strangers when we were out together that he was my bf, and slept over at my place in my bed with me in it…while spooning me, and playing with my hair, and telling me how I was the only girl younger than him whom he had ever really been attracted to..

    Basically, if the guy “dumped” you in a careless, selfish, or at least, unthoughtful way- it is probably not worth trying to be friends with him because he wil probs treat with just as much reckless abandon in the friendship. I.e. he will either be just as unreliable as a friend, or, he will show what a complete sleaze he is and try to have it on with you while (once again) not committing. No one needs to live in that no-man’s land and for most of us it’s really uncomfortable. Don’t go there.

  18. Jessica says:
    Thu, 15th Apr 20109:04 am 

    I feel like I wrote this! Great article… really loved it!

  19. Heather says:
    Sun, 18th Apr 20101:23 pm 

    While it's nice to see that I'm not the only one going through this, it also sucks that so many people are going through this. Ugh. I'm feeling disheartened.

  20. Rizza says:
    Thu, 22nd Apr 20104:52 pm 

    gosh! it is like i'm the author, i've been experiencing it now.. i hope i could find a way to make myself better.. Love your ariticle!

  21. John says:
    Sun, 25th Apr 20102:08 pm 

    look

    girls

    arn't you in college? You're suppose to be intellegent right?

    It's in every movie, it's in every book, it's in every tv show, it's in real life. You hook up with a guy after a party, 90% of the time its a one night stand. You were a whore, and while we will sleep with you, we will never seriously date you.

    If you want a relationship, dont sleep with the guy on the first night, exchange phone numbers, and date. It's that easy.

    seriously, grow up. This post, and all the replies (save for I think number 2) are just sad. Don't cry when you have a one night stand and sit there wondering why he's with some other girl. You should have know what you were getting into.

  22. Miss says:
    Sun, 25th Apr 201011:13 pm 

    Ha I actually agree with John. It's not that hard. I am sure the urges of hooking up with the love at first sight person is tempting but really, if you consider THAT then you should know there is no hope for a relationship.

    The guys I have been with have either stayed in a relationship with me or we just left it as it was. A one night stand or an attempt. Not sleeping with someone the first time you meet them will higher the chance of a relationship.

    The two one night stand guys were the ones where there was no follow up after that. Now as for the other two guys that i did not sleep with on the first night, we actually had real relationships.

    In the end, just do not expect anything other than "well that was fun" and you'll be better off.

  23. Kate says:
    Mon, 26th Apr 20108:37 pm 

    i totally agree with this. so it happens that my "thing" has been going on for a year now..there is no future together but tell that to your feelings. are this situations suppose to make it less painful to say goodbye or is it just a state of mind? things will get more complicated then they were supose to n u suddenly just cant let go..whatever you wana call it..goodbyes will always hurt no matter what as long as feelings get involved.

    ps. great post

  24. Kristen says:
    Fri, 30th Apr 20106:50 pm 

    Forgive me from speaking from personal experience, but I have a little bit of personal experience in a matter like this and the best way to deal with these things is to work from your gut.

    If this "somethingelse" felt like a relationship to you- something and someone in whom you were emotionally invested, to whom you had committed a significant portion of your time- then treat it like a breakup. That's not to say you need to go burning his pictures and changing your relationship status, but for you emotionally it might be the right step. Because that's where your brain is. If you were thinking about him 24/7 before, then cutting contact is probably a good idea. Just because a relationship doesn't have a title doesn't mean it's any less of a relationship.

    That goes both ways, though. If it really WAS casual, and if you really felt casual about it, then obviously there's no need for fireworks. My only point is that you shouldn't let this one guy's label- or a lack thereof, rather- affect your emotional growth in this process. Because relationship, "inbetween," hooking up, whatever you want to call it- this thing affected you. And you, therefore, have the right to deal with it.

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