The 5 Douchiest Ways to Dump Someone

April 13, 2010 12:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Jessica- Delaware g+ page

Oh no he didn't.

Ah, getting dumped- we’ve all been there, and it’s not pretty. Whether it was a long-term, serious relationship or a fling in which the end was inevitable, getting broken up with sucks. A lot.  But even more pathetic than the subsequent week spent downing ice cream, getting incoherently drunk off boxed wine, and sobbing to your friends (“I did everythinggggg for him!”), is the way in which some dudes choose to perform the dumping.


By Jessica

So, I present to you, the 5 douchiest ways to get dumped. If your guy did any of these, take heart, because he obvi wasn’t worth your time in the first place. In fact, this turd isn’t worth anyone’s time, so put down the woe-is-me shots and move on, woman. You deserve better. And trust me – there’s a lot of better out there.

5. Via Text/AIM
Texting is a primary form of communication for college students, but when you’re sharing a bed on the reg, a face-to-face conversation is necessary.  Texts are meant for booty calls and talking during class, not for ending a relationship. “Dnt think we r wrking out. C U L8r.” is NOT proper breakup etiquette.

4. The Facebook relationship-status change
For all those a-holes who change their relationship status from”In a Relationship” to “Single” with absolutely no warning, this is just humiliating. It quickly shows up on the news feed of everyone you know, and the “OMG!” calls and texts start rolling in before you have even logged in for your first FB sesh of the day. This is more of an ambush than a civilized split, and the only thing worse is if it’s accompanied by an unfriending. Jerk.

3. The fade-out
Slowly but surely, he calls and texts less often and he doesn’t want to hang out as much. When you two are together, he treats you like crap. This loser is too chicken to tell you he’s not interested, so his plan is to gradually create distance until you’re unhappy and decide to do the dumping. Brilliant.

2. The third-party
The last thing a respectable girl needs is her boyfriend’s dumb-ass roommate/frat bro coming up to them and doing the dumping. “Uh so, Rob said he’s really sorry but uh, I think he wants to see other people and stuff.” Even worse if the friend orchestrates the breakup over #5. Give your ex a nice big slap in the face for this (if you ever see him in person again).

1. This third-party
Really!? A guy that makes a living off other people’s misery!? Whose actual profession is making people cry!? I can now say that I’ve seen it all. I don’t know who the bigger douche is, this guy or the guy who would pay him ten bucks to dump his girlfriend. If this happens to you, I condone any and all forms of revenge you can think of (preferably involving public humiliation).

32 Comments on "The 5 Douchiest Ways to Dump Someone"

  1. Marie says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20108:24 am 

    Yeah, lol, because girls NEVER do any of these things ;)

    Between my two brothers (who are both complete gentlemen and so undeserving of this behavior), I'm pretty sure they have gotten broken up with in all of these ways. At least the first four. Especially 3 and 2!

  2. thoughtsappear says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20109:34 am 

    I had number 4 (status change) happen to me once. When I confronted the guy about it, he said he changed his mind and decided not to break up with me. Too late!

  3. Samantha says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 201010:14 am 

    I got faded out once, the same week my BFF got facebook status changed. Oh what a week lol

  4. Molly says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20101:00 pm 

    texting is the WORST!! One of my ex's broke up with me via text while I was on vacation. Needless to say he wasn't worth my time.

  5. bella says:
    Tue, 13th Apr 20101:53 pm 

    I HATE the fade out one the most!!! :( happens to me way too much…

  6. Sabrina says:
    Wed, 14th Apr 201012:24 pm 

    I think ‘e-mail’ should be somewhere on that list. At least a text costs money. Yeah, it happened to me.

  7. tj says:
    Wed, 14th Apr 20109:54 pm 

    one of my friends, dumped a guy for another friend of ours, by leaving a voicemail on his parents landlline saying it wasn't working out…and he did nothing to deserve it. i think that almost beats everything on your list.

  8. Rathermoore says:
    Sun, 18th Apr 201010:02 pm 

    How about google video chat? Or am I the only girl that's been broken up with via video :(

  9. addie says:
    Tue, 20th Apr 20102:17 pm 

    how about the one day stops answering his phone and gets a new girlfriend? -______-

  10. Jennifer says:
    Tue, 20th Apr 20107:15 pm 

    So what if he breaks up with me in person while he's crying and then kisses me before I leave??? Damn. I lost a good one :(

  11. Tim P says:
    Wed, 21st Apr 201011:59 am 

    The Blackout: Suddenly stops answering phone, stops replying texts, drops you as FB friend, blocks your emails.

  12. Matt says:
    Thu, 22nd Apr 20104:18 am 

    Ive had all, except facebook, pulled on me. The way I figured it, if the break-upper is cold and coward enough to resort to these tactics, then I am getting off easy, as living my life w/ them would have been one manipulative petty moment after another

  13. Matt says:
    Thu, 22nd Apr 20104:19 am 

    Sorry, I didn't have #1 happen to me either, thank god

  14. anonymous says:
    Sun, 25th Apr 20109:16 pm 

    How about #5 and dropping you as a PS3 friend. What losers and cowards.

  15. evelyn says:
    Sat, 30th Oct 20104:32 am 

    Argh the fade out for me.

    The paying your friend to dump one is just the worse.

    no decency! or respect

  16. mkelley says:
    Wed, 17th Nov 20108:24 pm 

    I had #1 happen to me, and I was furious. The worst part was, he wasn't even a college guy! He was a 31 year-old man. Ridiculous.

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  19. a8302397 says:
    Sat, 20th Oct 20127:07 am 

    I’ve said that least 8302397 times. SKC was here…

  20. Princess says:
    Tue, 12th Feb 20135:38 pm 

    yep dumped by text yesterday in reply to my hey are we meeting up for valentines day? text

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