The 5 Douchiest Ways to Dump Someone

Seventeen Says the Darndest Things: May EditionSeventeen Says the Darndest Things: May Edition
Tuffy Luv Sez: Hags and Freds May Break My Heads But Skanks Will Never Hurt MeTuffy Luv Sez: Hags and Freds May Break My Heads But Skanks Will Never Hurt Me

Oh no he didn't.

Ah, getting dumped- we’ve all been there, and it’s not pretty. Whether it was a long-term, serious relationship or a fling in which the end was inevitable, getting broken up with sucks. A lot.  But even more pathetic than the subsequent week spent downing ice cream, getting incoherently drunk off boxed wine, and sobbing to your friends (“I did everythinggggg for him!”), is the way in which some dudes choose to perform the dumping.

So, I present to you, the 5 douchiest ways to get dumped. If your guy did any of these, take heart, because he obvi wasn’t worth your time in the first place. In fact, this turd isn’t worth anyone’s time, so put down the woe-is-me shots and move on, woman. You deserve better. And trust me – there’s a lot of better out there.

5. Via Text/AIM
Texting is a primary form of communication for college students, but when you’re sharing a bed on the reg, a face-to-face conversation is necessary.  Texts are meant for booty calls and talking during class, not for ending a relationship. “Dnt think we r wrking out. C U L8r.” is NOT proper breakup etiquette.

4. The Facebook relationship-status change
For all those a-holes who change their relationship status from”In a Relationship” to “Single” with absolutely no warning, this is just humiliating. It quickly shows up on the news feed of everyone you know, and the “OMG!” calls and texts start rolling in before you have even logged in for your first FB sesh of the day. This is more of an ambush than a civilized split, and the only thing worse is if it’s accompanied by an unfriending. Jerk.

3. The fade-out
Slowly but surely, he calls and texts less often and he doesn’t want to hang out as much. When you two are together, he treats you like crap. This loser is too chicken to tell you he’s not interested, so his plan is to gradually create distance until you’re unhappy and decide to do the dumping. Brilliant.

2. The third-party
The last thing a respectable girl needs is her boyfriend’s dumb-ass roommate/frat bro coming up to them and doing the dumping. “Uh so, Rob said he’s really sorry but uh, I think he wants to see other people and stuff.” Even worse if the friend orchestrates the breakup over #5. Give your ex a nice big slap in the face for this (if you ever see him in person again).

1. This third-party
Really!? A guy that makes a living off other people’s misery!? Whose actual profession is making people cry!? I can now say that I’ve seen it all. I don’t know who the bigger douche is, this guy or the guy who would pay him ten bucks to dump his girlfriend. If this happens to you, I condone any and all forms of revenge you can think of (preferably involving public humiliation).

Comments