As a college senior, I’ve done my fair share of…er…personal research when it comes to hooking up. From that first makeout session in the corner of a very sweaty frat party to my most recent jaunts with some super fine grad students, I’ve dedicated myself to my work. And while my former naive self thought that college boys were like the punch they serve at frat parties (i.e. you never know what you’re gonna get but it’s gonna be good), what I’ve actually found is quite the contrary.
There are actually only 7 types of college hook ups.
And it doesn’t matter where you go to school or who you fraternize with, every girl on every campus will at one point (or many points, you saucy minx!) find herself in bed with one of theses:
1. The Bro:
This fellow is all brawn and no brains and secretly has watched more episodes of ‘The Hills’ than you have. Not that I’m going to say that this is a problem, but the things he whispers in your ear the whole night make you wonder how many times he has Googled the transcripts from all of the porn movies he owns. He gives you an awkward-fest drive home in his Tahoe while he listens to Trick Daddy and checks out his reflection in the rear view mirror to make sure his collar is still perfectly popped. You wonder where he keeps his lacrosse stick, because you want to hit yourself upside the head with it.
2. The Friend:
He is your buddy, the one you can be a pile of crap around and he will still love you. The decision to get nakey seems like a good idea when you’re hanging out between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M. He just look so cute after all of those Jager bombs, he really does care about you, and where did those biceps come from?? Come 8 am, when you’re staring at the ceiling in a long awkward silence, you learn quickly that things don’t turn out like they did in ‘When Harry Met Sally.’ Oh Hollywood.
3. The Stalker:
This gentleman wants immediate contact with your fine ass post hook-up. First, he pokes you on Facebook. Then he uses up 1400 of your 1500 monthly texts with late night “whatcha up to”s. Wherever you go, he manages to show up: in the library, the cafeteria, the quad, the local bars. You may have thought this would be a one-night party (or worse, a sloppy sesh you’d rather forget), but this one is in it for the long haul, regardless of your feelings otherwise.
4. The One Without Facebook:
What is he hiding?!
5. The Classmate:
He is relatively cute, especially when he tries to chat you up in Espanol and fumbles over his verbs. Awww. Come Thursday evening, he’s hitting on you in Spanglish at the bar and you’re convinced he’s the hottest Spanish speaking stud muffin you’ve encountered since Mario Lopez. But that all fades away as soon as the tequila wears off and you’re staring at his back every Tues/Thursday for the next 10 weeks trying to focus on conjugation and not what he looks like under those jeans.
6. The Regret:
He pushes you off the bed mid-sleep, he calls you by the wrong name, he has the dankest breath known to man-kind, he tinkles the bed. And in some cases, he is cheating. You wish you could black it out and wouldn’t even tell your roommates about him had they not been waiting for you in the living room when you stumbled home in the morning.
7. The One That Inpires You to Write a Haiku:
The Sunday morning jaunt we love to call “the walk of shame” morphs into “the walk of victory” after a night with this love boat. He makes you stare blissfully at the blowing vegetation next to your dorm and wonder how life possibly went on without him, to read poetry and Google ‘love quotes.’ The entirety of Sunday is dedicated to a movie reel in your head of the sweet things he said to you about your almond shaped eyes, the way he played with your hair, how cute he looked when was sleeping in the morning. He’s reaffirmed your faith in men and inspired you to buy a one-way ticket to Relationship-ville.
[Note: #7s are more rare than an English speaking Physics prof, but they do exist.]