The Seven Types of College Hook-Ups

As a college senior, I’ve done my fair share of…er…personal research when it comes to hooking up. From that first makeout session in the corner of a very sweaty frat party to my most recent jaunts with some super fine grad students, I’ve dedicated myself to my work. And while my former naive self thought that college boys were like the punch they serve at frat parties (i.e. you never know what you’re gonna get but it’s gonna be good), what I’ve actually found is quite the contrary.

There are actually only 7 types of college hook ups.

And it doesn’t matter where you go to school or who you fraternize with, every girl on every campus will at one point (or many points, you saucy minx!) find herself in bed with one of theses:

1. The Bro:
This fellow is all brawn and no brains and secretly has watched more episodes of ‘The Hills’ than you have.  Not that I’m going to say that this is a problem, but the things he whispers in your ear the whole night make you wonder how many times he has Googled the transcripts from all of the porn movies he owns.  He gives you an awkward-fest drive home in his Tahoe while he listens to Trick Daddy and checks out his reflection in the rear view mirror to make sure his collar is still perfectly popped. You wonder where he keeps his lacrosse stick, because you want to hit yourself upside the head with it.

2. The Friend:
He is your buddy, the one you can be a pile of crap around and he will still love you. The decision to get nakey seems like a good idea when you’re hanging out between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M.  He just look so cute after all of those Jager bombs, he really does care about you, and where did those biceps come from??  Come 8 am, when you’re staring at the ceiling in a long awkward silence, you learn quickly that things don’t turn out like they did in ‘When Harry Met Sally.’ Oh Hollywood.

3. The Stalker:
This gentleman wants immediate contact with your fine ass post hook-up. First, he pokes you on Facebook.  Then he uses up 1400 of your 1500 monthly texts with late night “whatcha up to”s. Wherever you go, he manages to show up: in the library, the cafeteria, the quad, the local bars. You may have thought this would be a one-night party (or worse, a sloppy sesh you’d rather forget), but this one is in it for the long haul, regardless of your feelings otherwise.

4. The One Without Facebook:
What is he hiding?!

5. The Classmate:
He is relatively cute, especially when he tries to chat you up in Espanol and fumbles over his verbs. Awww. Come Thursday evening, he’s hitting on you in Spanglish at the bar and you’re convinced he’s the hottest Spanish speaking stud muffin you’ve encountered since Mario Lopez. But that all fades away as soon as the tequila wears off and you’re staring at his back every Tues/Thursday for the next 10 weeks trying to focus on conjugation and not what he looks like under those jeans.

6. The Regret:
He pushes you off the bed mid-sleep, he calls you by the wrong name, he has the dankest breath known to man-kind, he tinkles the bed. And in some cases, he is cheating. You wish you could black it out and wouldn’t even tell your roommates about him had they not been waiting for you in the living room when you stumbled home in the morning.

7. The One That Inpires You to Write a Haiku:
The Sunday morning jaunt we love to call “the walk of shame” morphs into  “the walk of victory” after a night with this love boat. He makes you stare blissfully at the blowing vegetation next to your dorm and wonder how life possibly went on without him, to read poetry and Google ‘love quotes.’ The entirety of Sunday is dedicated to a movie reel in your head of the sweet things he said to you about your almond shaped eyes, the way he played with your hair, how cute he looked when was sleeping in the morning.  He’s reaffirmed your faith in men and inspired you to buy a one-way ticket to Relationship-ville.

[Note: #7s are more rare than an English speaking Physics prof, but they do exist.]



  1. Meredith says:

    A lot of the guys I've been with have been a combination of these. Like the classmate one was also a bro (and I met him in spanish haha), thank god we both switched out of that class because he was also a number 6…

  2. Tina says:

    What exactly is wrong with not having a facebook? All you hear about is individuals losing their jobs or being in trouble because of photos being posted online. I deleted mine just to be on the safe side and I'm quite happy about it. I find it odd that there is a stigma associated with not being 24/7 on and online networking site.

  3. MiddKid says:

    3 out of 7, still a sophomore, and steadily working my way through… XD

  4. Karen says:

    There are actually 8,

    8. The friend of a friend

  5. Lauren says:

    The proper term for the happy "Walk of Shame" is the "Stride of Pride"

    Love it

  6. Emily says:

    The best is the one night stand that you end up having a class with later, or your friends become friends with later… super fun.

  7. Jake says:

    @SEC Way of Life

    “One who that inspires you to write a haiku" – Not called a hopeless romantic, because that may not be his personality, it may just be his behaviour or how he looks, or how the hook-up ended, a man doesn't have to be romantic for you to feel that way.

    “The guy you find out all your friends have hooked up with too” – That would be The Bro, the typical super douche who rates girls on a scale of 1-10.

  8. B says:

    SEC, you couldn't have said that any nicer? really?

  9. SEC Way of Life says:

    Honestly, this article kinda sucks. There are a lot more obvious and interesting types of hookups than the ones listed here. The “One who that inspires you to write a haiku”? What is that? Why don’t you just call it “The Sensitive guy” or “Hopeless romantic”? Where is “The Guy who is actually way out of your league” or “The guy you find out all your friends have hooked up with too”? Saying there are only 7 is not only insanely generalized but also reinforces the idea that Minnesota isn’t that great of a place. Just saying.

  10. A says:

    SEC Chill out, the article is meant to have some humor in it. No it doesn't cover ALL kinds of hookups (there's probably a billion if you cover ALL of them), it's meant to be an amusing article that some people have obviously already enjoyed. Quit picking on the author because you're butthurt over something or another.

  11. Lucy says:

    I agree with SEC

  12. T says:

    you forgot "The Athlete" everyone knows a jersey chaser or two…

  13. Lauren says:

    I like this :D Made me laugh.

  14. Nikki says:

    hahahahahahahaha I LOOOOOOOOVE this one Brit!!!! :) good work girl.

  15. […] The seven types of college hookups including “The Bro.” (College Candy) […]

  16. Joe says:

    Yea…. I'm number 7. N wit us it goes both ways. <3

  17. Bess says:

    Lmfao! This made me laugh. I'm not sure whether to miss my college years or be thankful they're over!

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  22. JWrizz says:

    Enjoy them while they last – fun and flingy in college and then they start to wear on you as you get older.

  23. KeKe says:

    I absolutely LOVED THIS. I was smiling the whole time reading it!!

  24. Jason says:

    They also have another college dating hookup site, but this one is opened to all college students unlike the other site.

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