Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: May Edition

Just as I was wondering how Cosmo was still in business (after all, they repeat half of their articles, most of which are all filled with nonsense anyway), I found myself just a little bit excited that May was the “sexy issue.” Plus, Heidi Klum on the cover did happen to give this issue a little more merit in my book. (How can you not trust a girl who crushes designer’s dreams in such a sweet, Auf Wiedersehen way?) Of course, as soon as I started to flip the pages I remembered why I write this article in the first place.

By Arielle

First let’s refer to page 82, in which we receive advice on what to name our guy’s man parts. I don’t even care that actual males suggested the names “Shaftzilla” and “Big Daddy’s Cane”; don’t you remember when Kate Hudson tried to name Matthew McConaughey’s parts Princess Sophia?! Please, ladies: don’t name his parts unless you’re trying to lose your guy in (less than) 10 days.

And then in the article “For Keeps” we are told to throw away our sweat pants if we want to make sure we don’t lose our sexual energy in relationships. WHAT?! THROW AWAY MY COVETED SWEATPANTS? A world without sweat pants would be a terrible, terrible place. I understand the whole idea here – sweatpants aren’t sexy – but no man is important enough for me to ditch that luxurious feeling of slipping into sweats after a long day. I say, don’t throw away your “anti-lingerie,” as Cosmo calls them, just be sure to mix a little lacy lingerie in there once in awhile.

Cosmo also tells us to ditch our panties to get an adrenaline rush from breaking the rules. I mean, I’m all for going commando (especially when it’s been three weeks since I last did my laundry….(, but whatever happened to good old bungee jumping? If you’re going without panties for comfort and freedom, then by all means ditch ‘em, but doing it for the rush is, well… strange.

I must say, however, that I was rather impressed with the advice given in “100 Relationship Questions Answered in 20 Words or Less.” Maybe it’s because they finally shut up and stopped overanalyzing, but the advice wasn’t too bad… at least for some of the questions. Some questions, on the other hand, left me wondering….

How long should we date before living together?

Cosmo Says: A year.
Arielle Says: Really, Cosmo? I didn’t know there was a scientific method to measure how long a couple should wait before they move in together. A couple should move in together as soon as they feel ready, whether that’s 6 months or 5 years.

I cheated, but I want to stay together. Do I confess?

Cosmo Says: No. Figure out why you did it, then put your effort into fixing that aspect of the relationship.
Arielle Says: Umm, aren’t relationships based off of honesty and trust? If you’re not mature enough to tell the truth, you might not be mature enough to move forward in your relationship.

He gave me his number. When should I call?

Cosmo Says: After 48 hours. Any later and it’s a ploy; any earlier and it’s desperate.
Arielle Says: Way to perpetuate the game, Cosmo. Think about it: if we sat around for two days straight waiting for a guy we met to call, we’d be pretty upset. Why should we do that to them? Don’t worry about the numbers. If you want to talk to the guy, give him a ring! He didn’t give you his number so you could wait to call him; he gave it to you because he wants you to call. So pick up that phone!

When is the right time to say “I love you?”

Cosmo Says: Wait at least 90 days. It takes that long to know if it’s not just lust.
Arielle Says: Well this is another scientific method I’m unaware of. And who’s counting the days, anyway? Just say it when you’re ready, girlfriend!