[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to firstname.lastname@example.org. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]
There’s a lot of questions about guys and girls being ‘just friends’, so I have one for you. I’ve been friends with this guy since senior year of high school and we are now juniors in college. The two of us are sharing an apartment next year (just the two of us) and we hang out one-on-one all of the time. We have never gone romantic, but we have gotten physical, like wrestling around on my bed and cuddling. He quizzes me on ‘my type’ of guys but will also say my sister/friend/housemate is hot (when we are alone). He says he’s confident with people but he has also said that he lacks confidence in the sex department. I really like him but I’m worried that I never take a hint when he is flirting with me and I turn him away. So, whatcha think? Should I bring up my feelings to him?
P.S. We’re both single and haven’t dated anyone since we’ve known each other.
Dear The Friend,
I’m a fan of honesty. Call me stupid. I always think that waiting for someone to come around when he/she has no idea that there’s something to come around to is a waste of worrying.
There’s always a risk with honesty but also a lot of potential reward. The risk being that he says “no” and the reward being he says “yes.” The consolation prize to honesty is that you can stop driving yourself crazy wondering what he might say. Not to mention you’d have the option to stop wasting your time and move on if he tells you to take a hike or “he’s not ready.” People trap themselves in the insanity of the unknown. There’s no reason to when there’s a solution. Being rejected sucks. No question. But it’s better in the long run to a regressive delusion. Clinging to false hopes can become dangerous. You lose sleep. You lose an objective viewpoint on the reality of the situation. You shut yourself off to other possibilities. You lock yourself in a holding pattern with no timeline for landing.
Some guys are timid because they’re scared of their sexual prowess (well, lack thereof). I’ve heard this from guys who are “late bloomers.” They’re ashamed of their lack of experience at a certain age and suddenly the prospect of humiliating themselves in bed actually deters them from attempting to get in bed. These are guys who need encouragement (almost a handler) to get beyond the first step. They’re gun shy. You must become the Sarah Walker to their Chuck Bartowski. They need you to help them cock it and aim at the target. Once they pull the trigger (and you don’t send them to Dr. Tracy for smile therapy with your laughter at their sexual inadequacy) their enthusiasm for firing practice is reignited. On the other hand…
Some guys are teases. They screw with your minds but show no interest in your body. These specimens of the male gender are flirtatious and affectionate. They are masters of mixed signals. Such animals exist in environments densely populated with females. Sometimes this is the result of too much bonding with nurturing females in their developmental years. Other times this behavior is the result of lack of male presence in their lives and an overabundance of women friends (think Peter Klaven ala I Love You, Man but less reserved).
You’ve got some evidence to support both sides of the coin. He likes to wrestle and cuddle but he wants to be your roommate. You don’t hit on your roommate. If there were a manual for cohabitating with a member of the sex that you’re attracted to that would be rule numero uno.
Thou shalt never attempt to explore the nookie of thy roomie.
Thou shalt always leave the toilet seat down after use.
Time might be running out for you to make your move. I say the next time he wants to wrestle you, see if he’s willing to submit to a liplock. You don’t need to plant one on him, but put yourself in the situation where it could happen and see if he takes the bait.
And that’s the bottom line,
“If you smelllllllllll, what The Dude, is…cookin’!”