Sexy Time: Don’t Wait

I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but there seems to be a nearly tangible divide between certain groups of college students. There’s the involved and the uninvolved, the passionate and the ones who are just trying to appease their parents, the drinkers and the non-drinkers, and the sexually active and those who are waiting until marriage.

While I respect a person’s right to choose when they are going to have sex, I’ve realized something lately: it’s a really bad idea to wait until marriage. The thought itself is lovely – being penetrated for the first time on your wedding night, surrounded by candles, with the man who is wearing a ring on his left finger that matches yours –  but logically speaking, it’s not quite that simple, and definitely not that practical. It’s also incredibly naive.

First off, something a lot of people are too afraid (or too “nice”) to admit – sex is a huge part of a relationship. I’m not trying to patronize virgins, but maybe when you haven’t had sex yet, you don’t realize how true that is. Being intimate and sharing those vulnerable naked moments are important for getting to know someone as a whole. Who someone is as a person and who they are sexually can sometimes be completely different. Would you really want to marry someone who has an entire part of their being that remains a mystery to you?

Along with the fact that waiting can put you in an awkward position (for real, what would you do if the sex was awful?), but according to this ABC News/Health article, waiting until later in life to lose your virginity can actually be detrimental to your sexual satisfaction, and could even cause sexual dysfunction. There are lots of factors involved that I’m honestly not qualified to get into, but… it’s scary.

Regardless of how often we’re told it’s slutty of immoral, it’s a normal feeling to want to experience what sex is like with more than one person. As a friend once told me, “they call it growing up and settling down for a reason. You’re settling down from being wild and crazy. So do wild and crazy things,” – how perfect. As much as they might tell you otherwise, marrying someone who hasn’t gotten to experience other people is a risk. Not everyone has the desire to sleep around – but it is something that needs to be talked about and negotiated before saying “I do.”

So much value is put into virginity. It’s old-fashioned to believe that a person’s virginity is the key to their “innocence” or “purity,” and those outdated ideas just add to the disappointment, guilt and shame that can sometimes follow people if they don’t wait (plus the whole “what would Jesus think?” thing I’m trying not to get into). I never put a lot of thought into my virginity; it was just a fact for me, not the value of who I was. When I did have sex, I didn’t feel like I had lost a part of me, I didn’t feel like a different person, I was just Ness who happened to have had sex before.

I’m going to come out and say it – I think there are people who wait until marriage just to say that they waited until marriage. Of the people I know who have waited, or continue to wait, none of them are quiet about it. “My husband and I waited, because he loves me enough to only be with me,” as if a man who has been with other women can’t possibly love their partner the same as someone who has only been with their spouse. Or, “I’m waiting until I’m married, so then it will be special,” as if having sex before marriage can’t possibly be special. Or, my personal favorite, “I want to give my husband something I’ve never given anybody else!” Um… what about the fact that you’re marrying the guy? You haven’t given that to anyone else. I call bullsh*t.

Not all “waiters” are like that, of course – but I find there’s a definite sense of superiority resonating from those who wait.  If waiting is your choice, then it’s just that, a choice to make at your own risk. I just think it’s important to point out that the morality in sex lies not in when you do it or who you do it with, but how it makes you feel in the long-run.



  1. Tiffani says:

    Wow…I'm waiting to have sex until marriage…and I don't think I'm superior to those who don't. A lot of people who wait do it for religious reasons. I really don't want to sound b*tchy or anything, but I'm starting to get tired of everyone trying to convince me why I should have sex, or why it's a bad idea for me to wait. Another good reason, health wise, for me to wait? 1 in 4 sexually active people have the gift that keeps on giving…and they don't even know it

  2. Kelsey says:

    This was very well put. I was once a waiter, but only because my religious beliefs placed such a moral value on one's virginity. When my boyfriend of 2 years (who was also a virgin) and I no longer subscribed to such views, we decided to have sex. Even though we had been living together and had been intimate in other ways before, you are absolutely correct: "Being intimate and sharing those vulnerable naked moments are important for getting to know someone as a whole. Who someone is as a person and who they are sexually can sometimes be completely different."

    Nowadays I hate to be judgmental, but I agree that it's naive to think that your sex life will be perfectly fine if you wait until you're married. One of my best friends is getting married this summer, and she is a "waiter." It already seems like her relationship with her fiance is a little shaky, so I can't imagine how all the big changes like moving in together, having sex for the first time, and being a newlywed couple is going to work for her.

    That boyfriend of mine is now my fiance, and I am happy to know that we already have a healthy and strong sexual relationship and losing our virginity is not an aspect of our marriage.

  3. R says:

    I completely agree with Ness and Kelsey. Virginity is a concept that was originally started to keep women down; women used to be property and a non-virgin bride was damaged goods. It's appalling how many people subscribe to this patriarchal view of thinking and come up with bullshit reasons like the ones you described to justify it. There isn't even a medical definition of virginity, interestingly.

  4. nikki says:

    okay, I'm saving it for marriage too. BUT this is for the first time that some one or some article made me "think" about it.

    Terrific piece!

  5. Jenna says:

    I agree with waiting being a bad idea but not for your reasons. I believe that if you can hold onto a relationship without sex as a distraction, buffer, way of ending a fight etc. then the relationship has lasting potential, it is important to be really good buddies with your future husband as well as having sexual chemistry, I would like to think I would still marry a man I was completely in love with even if he was a dud in bed.

    Good reasons not to wait would be to stop you from getting married to early or to the wrong person just because you want to have sex and to have a great wedding night and honeymoon free of awkward first time moments and soreness.

    Sex is great and I totally condone having sex for sex anytime but in a relationship that's gonna last the long haul, it shouldn't be about the sex, you're not gonna be having too much sex at 85, so you better love them in every other way.

  6. Hannah says:

    Well, I didn't wait. And I honestly wish I had. I wish I could take back everyone else I have ever been with.

    Would sex have been great on the first night? No. But I would have learned, eventually, just like everyone else. The difference is, I would have learned with someone who REALLY loved me. Instead of learning with the guy I thought loved me, but really just wanted to get in my pants, so he put on a good show for a couple months.

    When a virgin says it will be "special", I don't think they always mean "surrounded by candles on a bed of roses with an amazing orgasm." They could just mean "experiencing something, the good and the bad, with someone I love for the first time."

    Most virgins, whether they are waiting for marriage or not, say they want their first time to be "special". Does that make us all naive?

    And while I am sure sex is a great way to get to know another person. How many people do you NEED to get to know on that level? And having said that… how many people who have sex before marriage ONLY have sex in the confines of serious monogamous relationships. I would say, probably very few. Because I know first hand, once you jump that hurdle the first time, it's easier to do it again and again for the wrong reasons.

  7. Kristy says:

    Very well said Hannah, I completely agree.

    There are a lot of good points made in this article, but to say waiting is impractical and naive seems a little narrow-minded. Just because something has worked for you doesn't mean it will be the same for others. I for one know that waiting would have saved me a whole lot of heartache. After learning that guys can and will say whatever it takes to get you into bed, I realized that if someone really cares about me they'll understand that I'm WORTH the wait and just enjoy getting to know me as a person.

  8. bree says:

    this very well put. i don't think waiting is a good idea because of the same reasons, what if the person completely changes in the bedroom and you can't stand it? you should get to know your partner completely before going something life long like marriage. but on the other hand i don't like the idea of sleeping around or one night stands or just loosing your virginity for the sake of it. personally, to me you should be in a committed and trusting relationship before you have sex with someone no matter how many times you've had sex or what your age is. to me its don't wait till marriage, but wait till your in a good, healthy and trusting relationship.

  9. Roberto says:

    whoo this one was definitely gonna spark up some controversy

  10. Keni says:

    I totally agree with Heather and Hannah. They've said pretty much everything I was going to say =]

  11. dre says:

    heather, where are your sources?

  12. C says:

    love. it. :) I waited for YEARS through multiple boyfriends, first for religious reasons. But gradually, that turned into me waiting out of fear. Fear I'd be judged, partially, but mostly just fear of nothing at all, if that makes sense. I was too scared to say yes – even when I wanted to – because I'd been saying no for so long. Eventually I got up the courage to go for it, and Ness is right – I didn't feel like I "lost" anything. I wanted the experience and to feel comfortable with myself and my sexuality, and now I am and the fear is gone.

    I'll add that I wish wholeheartedly that I'd gotten a more realistic sex ed. Abstinence style classes really just built up that psychological block that held me back for so long. Why didn't anyone teach me that sex can hurt if you rush in too quickly, or that sometimes that smooth-talking guy is as inexperienced as you are? So silly that we still relegate it to whispery convos with your best friends.

  13. V says:

    Speaking as a virgin, I can tell you there is nothing “high and mighty” about being a virgin. I am not a virgin just so I can say that I am one, and my “waiting” period has nothing to do with my hopes to give a “special gift” to someone in the future. I am a virgin because I respect myself enough to know that I personally am not there yet. I have had some awesome relationships, but I do not regret keeping my virginity. Having sex is a big step that has caught many of my friends off guard. When the break-up occurs, it is that much worse when you have shared every intimate moment with someone. I also know that losing your virginity can be an awesome experience. My best friend had sex with her boyfriend and she has said that it took their already great relationship, and made it even better. I know that was the right decision for her.

    It just surprises me that you go as far to say that it is naïve for someone to wait until marriage. (If that winds up being the right decision for me, that’s how long I will wait). It is naïve to think that not having sex at an early age will make your sex life dysfunctional. Having sex with one partner or even multiple partners puts you at a high risk for STIs and unwanted pregnancy. This could do more than make your sex life dysfunctional. I’m not saying there is a right or wrong answer to this, but I think people need to realize that everyone is different and to say that virgins are naïve, is unrealistic and unfair. It is important to remember that deciding to have sex can be a great decision, or a horrible one.

    And yes, I did feel patronized, but I appreciate the last sentence of the article. Lastly, I don’t feel superior to you because I am a virgin who is waiting for the right time, so please stop stereotyping.

  14. Angie Marie says:

    While this article was well-written, which I can respect, it spoke very condescendingly to virgins. I am going to ignore that, though, and just point out that, as a virgin who is waiting until marriage primarily for religious reasons, many virgins are not idiotic enough to believe that their wedding night must be a perfectly orchestrated sex scene worthy of Hollywood. Though I look forward to it (and "it" is a long way off, seeing as I am 19 and don't currently know a single boy I'd like to marry) I know that it is totally possible that my husband and I might struggle in bed, at first. There are SO MANY resources out there for people who need sexual help, though. There are sex books, sex therapists, sex everything. And the fact is, if I love my husband, why would I NOT want to "practice" with him until things get better? Figuring out sex together (assuming my husband is also a virgin, that is) will be such a fun bonding experience. I have no objections to laying in bed with a stack of sex books and practicing AFTER the wedding.

    How on earth would more excuses to get intimate be a negative?

  15. Allison says:

    How are you defining virginity? Because some people consider it as only not having had vaginal sex, so is that what you're referring to, or are you including oral or even manual? There are people with different levels of experience who may consider themselves virgins.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting- for marriage, for the right person, whatever. I also don't think there's anything wrong with having sex, or doing whatever "level" of sex that you are comfortable with. You can be intimate and share "those vulnerable naked moments" in whichever way you want, and if that is not by having sex, that's no one's business but your own. As long as you're protecting yourself from STIs and unwanted pregnancy in some way, no one can judge the way you progress in your relationship.

    For an article complaining about the "sense of superiority" resonating from people who wait, you came off pretty judgy in this article yourself.

  16. Heather says:

    First of all. Sex does NOT automatically equal intimacy. Yes, intimacy is important in a relationship. But you can have intimacy without sex, and sex without intimacy. Though people often confuse the two.

    Why would you want to marry a person who is still a mystery to you sexually? I would rather that, than marry someone who has shared their “mystery” with a hand full of other girls. There are enough problems with jealously in relationships as it is, without adding a list of other people who have had those special moments with your partner.

    What do you do if the sex is bad? You work it out with your partner. You go to the doctor, see a sex therapist, or just put in the time and effort to get to know each other like most people have to do anyways. You don’t run for the hills just because your husband/wife isn’t a natural in bed.

    But to be fair here, what about the down sides of NOT waiting?

    Condoms and other forms of birth control are not foolproof means of warding off STDs and unwanted pregnancies. 50% of pregnancies happen with some type of birth control in play.

    What about the psychological aspects of sex? As of 2004, teen girls who are sexually active are 2x more likely to commit suicide, teenage boys who have sex are 7x more likely. That’s all the way up until the age of 19, not just high school kids.

    And abortion wouldn’t even be an issue if people didn’t have sex before they were ready to deal with all possible outcomes, because married people who don’t want kids could just get their tubes tied. My friend committed suicide after she had an abortion, and found out that her mother almost aborted her when she was pregnant. She was riddled with guilt that she got a chance at life but her baby didn’t.

    Not to mention the fact that studies have shown for years that couples who had sex before marriage have higher divorce rates.

    And maybe, just maybe those people you know who act high and mighty about waiting until marriage, act that way because once upon a time someone made them feel inferior for waiting. Called them “incredibly naive” and “old fashioned”. Maybe they feel like they need to defend themselves.

    I have had sex, as well as most of my friends. But I would never in a million years say it was a “bad idea” to wait. I think that’s a very personal decision that doesn’t need to be made lightly. Especially because you are horny, or feel needy, or feel like it’s the cool thing to do. Which is why a lot of people give up their virginity.

  17. Rebecca says:

    This is a really good article, I too waited until I was 21. I had a serious bf for 3 years and never did, people couldnt believe it when I told them that. And that relationship consisted in high school, Im in 4th year now. I never waited because i wanted it to be this fantastical magical moment, no not at all. I knew all I wanted was to be comfortable and be with someone who I trusted not even necessarily a boyfriend, because I knew for me personally I would confuse feelings of intimacy with love. Had I lost my virginity to my first bf of 3 years i know i wouldve been 10x more devestated when we broke up, like the previous poster said, you have shared every intimate moment with someone.

    I was never proud of haughty to be a virgin, I didnt even like telling people cause I felt so pressured and asked constantly when are you just gonna get it done. The older I got it seemed to become a bigger deal and that part of me said I dont want to be married and not enjoy it I dont want to wait that long and possibly be disappointed.

    I ended up losing my virginity to my boyfriend of 11 months, last summer we broke up it ended in the worst possibly way with him being violent. But even though it ended in such a bad memory, I dont regret it, because for that moment, nobody can tell me it was wrong I felt comfortable I Felt at ease a way I never felt with anyone and thats all I was asking for, not for candles and perfect timing, just to feel comfortable within and with that person. Just like ness said I didnt feel like I lost anything I wanted that moment.

    However now Im thinking I will wait before I do it again because it wasnt a HUGE deal to me before that didnt define but now I want to be a little precautious just as one of the posters said how after losing it once a lot of people easily lose it again and again for the wrong reasons

    So I would hope to be more aware than reckless

  18. Miriam says:

    Not sure how I feel about this. I've only ever slept with one person–my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and were best friends for four years before that, and we both know we're going to end up married. I'm the only one he's had sex with, too.

    To us, waiting til marriage was obviously not important. However, we both find it really special that we've only ever slept with each other and nobody else. I think that's what it's really all about for people who wait till marriage. It's great to feel like you and your partner belong to each other in that way. It's not for everyone–many people don't care if they or their partner has had sex with others before–but for us it means a great deal.

    So basically, don't knock it. Neither my boyfriend nor I want to "experience what sex is like with more than one person." We've got each other and that's perfect for us.

  19. A.C. says:

    Adding one sentence at the end saying "Not all 'waiters' are like this…" does not change the fact that you wrote an entire article saying the exact opposite. I'm a virgin and have had serious relationships, but I didn't progress to having sex because I wasn't ready for it. I still am not, because I'm not in a relationship with someone I love. I'm not waiting for marriage, but I'm not giving it away just because it's there. I don't judge those who have sex (hell all but a few of my friends are sexually active to some extent), it's merely your state of being. I would rather wait to risk pregnancy, STDs, and experience all the other "fun" stuff from sex with someone who is really worth it.

  20. Ally says:

    I'm not a waiter but I believe it is a person's personal decision. I agree, some people parade around flashing their purity rings in people's faces as if their virginity made them a morally better person than you, and that's ridiculously obnoxious, but some people actually believe that you will burn in hell if you have sex before marriage. I can honestly say, though, I've never known someone who has waited until marriage.

    (I'm not trying to offend anyone with a purity ring. You know the people I'm talking about.)

  21. sarah says:

    Every article on this website seems completely devoted to separating sex from love. Sure, it's fun, but why would you ever want to do it with someone you don't want to have the potential to create life with? Sex is great, like really really good, but it is never wrong to wait for the right person…not necessarily for marriage, but don't do it just because it's fun.

  22. Katrina says:

    There are a lot of things I don't want to get into (and several people who have commented already I agree with- especially V), but I think it is important to say that just because something doesn't work for one person it doesn't mean it won't work for someone else. I'm 20 and still waiting- not for marriage, but for love. I know that I develop too deep of emotional attachments as it is. It would be the worst decision for me to have sex to get it over with or to have sex with someone I'm dating but not sure about just so we can have that "intimacy". There are other ways to find intimacy.

    I'm not saying that sex isn't a crucial piece of a relationship because there is a level of closeness that only comes with that. However, I think that closeness is really only there if both people are in it for the same reasons and honestly share something together.

    One more thing: This stereotyping of virgins as being inactive people who lack any sort of passion has got to go. I am probably one of the last people anyone would suspect is a virgin just because people tend to jump to this conclusion. I think it's sad because choosing to wait for the right time to have sex and being a fun person seem completely unrelated to me.

    The superiority claim is where I call bullshit, because by now I've certainly heard enough that there is nothing cool about waiting. I'm sure the other girls who're waiting would agree that it flat out sucks. I have been broken up with and ditched more times than I care to recall based simply upon the fact that I have never had sex. I could care less about what anybody does, I just want some respect.

  23. Sara says:

    "As much as they might tell you otherwise, marrying someone who hasn’t gotten to experience other people is a risk. Not everyone has the desire to sleep around – but it is something that needs to be talked about and negotiated before saying “I do.”"

    I have to NEGOTIATE with my boyfriend how many other guys I should have sex with before we settle down? That's news to me. How do you suggest I bring this up? Casually, like, "Oh hey, so I read this article that says I need to have sex with more guys before we get married. What do you think is a good number?" Or maybe I should just break up with him, huh? Clearly our relationship isn't going to last.

    I'm sorry, but this article is completely ridiculous. My loving, committed relationship is "risky" because my current boyfriend is the only guy I've had sex with? I don't understand how that works. Really, I apologize if not being promiscuous before I met him is some kind of red flag, but I kind of wanted to lose my virginity to someone special.

    Lumping people into categories like this is a terribly ignorant thing to do. Sure, I know some virgins who think they're better than everybody else. There are people like that in every group – I know girls who've been with 5, 10, 15 guys who think they're better than everybody else because that somehow proves their desirability. But you know what? Most people couldn't care less how many people you've slept with. Because it's a PERSONAL decision, not something you should be lecturing your readers about.

  24. natalie says:

    Wow, guess I'm the only one that sort-of agrees with Ness. I guess it's because I like sex and can't imagine my life without it because it's such a crucial part of a relationship, and even life. I was brought up in a strictly Catholic home and went to Catholic school for 9 years and it was basically shoved down my throat that sex is "sacred" and meant only to pro-create and be done with your spouse. I would feel ashamed for my sexual feelings and no one should have to feel that way about something so completely natural. Sex can be so many different things and I don't think it's wrong at all to separate sex and love because yes, when you aren't in a loving and committed relationship, sex is just, well…sex. And it's fun. And you're doing it because you want to and it feels good.

    There is sooo much emphasis being placed on it that really doesn't need to be. But I do respect those who feel completely different, although I guess it's just hard for me to understand.

  25. Kale says:

    I could not agree more with this article. Of course there should be a reasonable age when someone has sex for the first time (mine was 18) but saving it for marriage is only good in movies. I mean for some people it works, however, sex is very important in a good relationship for both the girl and the guy and (for me at least) should be experienced before so you know if this person is right for you (if you're a virgin you won't understand what I'm talking about). Plus, sex is over rated just like everything else we see in movies and it really is not that big of a deal (the first time I mean). Wait until you're ready but don't let marriage be the deciding point, you and your partner need to feel it inside that you're both ready to take that step. It's really nothing bad (before marriage) and it brings you so much closer to your partner. :)

  26. 2blu2btru says:

    As someone waiting for marriage, I don't take offense with your article: I just don't agree. I'm waiting for marriage for many reasons. One is religious. One is that I personally think sex provides a false intimacy and makes you close to people you should really have left alone long before you do. If you can't be intimate without sex what is the point? I have missed being mistreated by several men who were ONLY after sex.

    To me, it's not about being wild and crazy. Wild and crazy has consequences. It's not about being self-righteous. It's about making a decision that I feel will lead me to the best life mate for me. It's like you said, how I will feel in the long run. If the sex isn't that great, my husband should love me enough to explore with me what would make it better. Sex is what you make of it; it doesn't matter if they had a hundred partners if they can't satify me and/or are selfish. I can judge those qualities with my clothes on.

  27. eesha says:

    "My loving, committed relationship is “risky” because my current boyfriend is the only guy I’ve had sex with? I don’t understand how that works. Really, I apologize if not being promiscuous before I met him is some kind of red flag, but I kind of wanted to lose my virginity to someone special."

    Sara, clearly Ness is not saying that your relationship is "risky" because you only had sex with your boyfriend. She's saying not to wait so that the only man you've had sex with is your HUSBAND. There's a big difference between only having sex with your boyfriend and only having sex with your husband. I agree with you in that saving yourself for the right guy (before marriage) makes it that much more special. That's what you did and that's not putting your relationship to risk.

    But Ness is also pointing out that saving yourself for your husband may be risky because there's no turning back after that. It's one thing to be sexually unhappy with a boyfriend and a whole different thing to be sexually unhappy with your husband.

    I completely agree with Ness however. I'm "supposed" to wait due to religious reasons but if I come across a guy that's really special to me, who knows? A person's sex life is very important in their marriage and if both the wife/husband are not satisfied with each other, that can create a lot of problems.

  28. […] – We argued the reasons why women shouldn’t wait for sexy time. […]

  29. […] – We argued the reasons why women shouldn’t wait for sexy time. […]

  30. Lovereaction says:

    I am actually just laughing of the entire "waiting for marriage"-thing….

    It is not gold between our legs. Just get it over with and you will save yourselfes some trouble and probably a divorce.

  31. Heather says:

    Dre, I posted sources in response to you, but CC didn't put my comment through. Which means they probably wont put this one through either. I don't know, I guess they want anyone who disagrees with them to look stupid. But I thought I would try anyways.

  32. Sue says:

    umm, I didn't need to read all that.

    I'm just having trouble finding someone to sleep with.

    sadly. lol. but I won't give up. now way! not now!

  33. Sav says:

    I must say this is the most unwise article i have encountered. seriously? waiting until marriage detrimental to your health? what! do you not realize that new statistics state that std's are now known to not show up in a person until 10 years after the fact. so, for every person u sleep with, 10 years later, u may have an std show up in u. i am a proud 26 year old female virgin and am not at all titillated by all the screw on the camera that media, film, etc.. puts out there. men/women who are used to having premarital sex are more likely to cheat after marriage. after all, when you're used to giving it up to whomever you're in "love" with, why let marriage stop u?

    i am a christian but i also do not want aids, stds, or pregnancy and this is why i wait. the fornication generation can keep their diseases that spread like crazy and those who lie about having a disease in the first place, keep your broken hearts when he "taps that" then dumps you, keep your abortions cause you didn't protect yourself, keep your baby mama drama when he impregnates u and leaves u to raise a kid alone as an unwed single mom on welfare, you can keep all that in the name of your false "love" because u do not realize that sex and love are two different things.

  34. steph says:

    i am in total agreement with this article.

    and sav, kelly's not just talking about sleeping around/without using protection, i think she's also talking about having sex with a serious boyfriend. and having sex does not mean you will get pregnant or get stds. especially if you're smart about it. lay off.

  35. steph says:

    does anyone else also find that virgins are the ones most willing to be outspoken about sex? it's kind of comical.

  36. meghan says:

    Why does everyone think sex is such a HUGE part of a relationship? Maybe it's all the Viagra and Cialis ads, the hypersexual images of both women and men that we see in the media– the Victoria's Secret ads and the Axe commercials– that make us think sex is the be-all end-all in our relationships and our lives. SEX SELLS, y'all.

    It used to be that men and women had sex to procreate (and of course, for recreation) until they couldn't anymore–that is, when women went through menopause and men couldn't get it up any longer. To think we should be having sex on a regular basis until we die is unnatural, and if not having sex ruins your relationship, well… good luck growing old with someone.

    Plus, if you really love a person, having sex with him/her is probably gonna be good… and a lot more special if you haven't done it with every other guy/girl on the block.

    I'm sure a lot of people will hate this idea, but it's true that if you only have sex with the person you marry, you have nothing else to compare the sex to, and therefore appreciate it with that person more. If you don't plan on getting married, on the other hand (which you certainly do not have to), knock yourself out and have fun… just use a condom.

  37. Tim says:

    Sadly, any time I want I can be like you, but never again can you be like me. I waited until marriage to have sex and it was AWESOME. My wife is AMAZING and I am so glad. Saving sex until marriage means that my wife is my ideal partner because I don't know any different. I hope you can find that "perfect" sex partner in all your experience – mine is perfect. I loved that we got to discover the joys of sex together. Seven years later we are still discovering new things and loving every moment of it!

  38. Sav says:

    @ steph you can't be smart about not catching std's. nothing protects from it. it's a risk u take when neither u or your partner are virgins.

    @ Tim – cool a guy who will admit to having saved himself. I can only dream of marrying a guy who is also a virgin. and you've been married seven years, surviving the so called "seven year itch"? awesome.

    VIRGINS ROCK!!!!!!!

  39. Blaine! says:

    Vanessa, you put my thoughts into an article! You ARE the woman!

    That's all I have to say;)

  40. doradaydream says:

    ooh little bit controversial, but you make some pretty good points!

  41. Anonymous says:

    I didn't wait for marriage, but honestly, losing my virginity wasn't a big deal. I got to lose it on my terms (to an ex-friend of mine, where he turned out to be a douchecanoe and completely ignored me afterwards). But yeah, there is a stigma against being a virgin. It's a fact of life: many people don't want a dead fish in the sack or someone who has no clue what they're doing. I sure don't, yet I'm always attracting the virgins haha! I think the best thing to do is for the man and woman to wait until they are ready, whether it be before marriage or after marriage.

  42. Katie says:

    I really liked this article.

    I think that there are two ends of the spectrum:

    1. those that are all high and mighty with their purity rings, judging those who do have sex and telling them that they are all going to burn in hell for the sins they have done. Ive been to a school full of them, and i dont think theyre right.

    2. on the other end, there are the girls who sleep with a different boy each weekend and this makes them all high and mighty, thinking that everyone else who doesnt sleep with as many people is a loser, or ugly, or whatever the word they choose that day. They are also incorrect.

    as in many aspects of life, each extreme end is not the right way to go. things in life are never black and white and these people like to try to make it that way. I dont think that the author meant to attack virgins, i think that she was probably fed up with the virgins that are at that one extreme end and annoy the rest of us regular people who live somewhere in the grey. honestly, if you've ever met people like them (those on either end) it wouldn't even stop at sex- every personal life choice wouldn't be good enough, and thats just how those people are.

    sex is a part of life. get over it, with whatever means is right for you.

  43. Natalie B says:

    Why has sex become so controversial? I think if people want to save themselves until marriage then fine! They should be able to. If you want to have sex before marriage, then go ahead and do that! Also, why do people's opinions about sex have to be public? Shouldn't your sex life be private and between just you and your significant other? If you want to wait until marriage, does the whole world have to know? If you had or are going to have sex before marriage, again why does the whole world have to know?

  44. […] Sexy Time: Don’t Wait : College Candy […]

  45. eesha says:

    @Sav: You said that it may take up to 10 years for an STI (not STD, firstly) to show up. My question is, how are you going to be sure your husband/wife doesn't have an ALL? You may get yourselves tested before getting married or before having sex or whatever but can you really accurately say that just because the test was negative for an STI then won't be positive in 10 years?

  46. eesha says:

    Also to add: either way, you're taking a risk if your argument is the 10-year period.

    "i am a christian but i also do not want aids, stds, or pregnancy and this is why i wait. the fornication generation can keep their diseases that spread like crazy and those who lie about having a disease in the first place, keep your broken hearts when he “taps that” then dumps you, keep your abortions cause you didn’t protect yourself, keep your baby mama drama when he impregnates u and leaves u to raise a kid alone as an unwed single mom on welfare, you can keep all that in the name of your false “love” because u do not realize that sex and love are two different things."

    And hun, keep some faith in guys? You basically just described the quintessential, cliche heart-breaking story. While I admit that guys who just want to 'tap that' or ones who leave after impregnating a girl exist, they aren't the only ones. There are plenty of nice ones around; just because they may want to have sex with you doesn't mean they're out to break you.

    I would also like to add that this opinion comes to you by a virgin.

  47. Jo says:

    I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but I think the emphasis on virginity is harmful to women. What about the women in the middle east being stoned to death for being 'damaged goods'? It's a very old patriarchal ideal to keep women down.

    I am a lady. Not a sack of potatoes thank-you-very-much.

    What's between my legs doesn't matter. At all. And if you won't love or marry me because I'm not a virgin.. I think that's worse than a hump&dump situation.

  48. Sav says:

    @ eesha I am still contemplating if i will dare marry a non -virgin. that's the only way to know for sure we are both std free after testing. i am however willing to take that risk if he gets circumcised. hows that for controversial! there are health benefits to this believe it or not.

    i know not all guys are pigs, but look around you: tiger woods, jesse james, and now even old timer LARRY KING! amazing! are there no good men left? I'm sure there is. i just haven't met any. And i do not know any virgins who act high and mighty. i think it's the non-virgins who try to make us look like losers and for what? for not being at risk for aids, abortion, and std's? please! yall can keep that! don't pass it around.

  49. criolle johnny says:

    Now I remember why dragons only eat virgins.

  50. Kristine says:

    I totally agree with Hannah!! Sex is something that you should learn with the one you love when you're both ready. I am engaged to my middle school sweet heart and we have learned sex together at our own pace. We didn't need multiple partners to understand good sex. I'm very happy that I don't have a long line of partners and I am happy to say the same about my fiancé.

  51. jill says:

    @sav believe it or not, most men nowadays are circumcised…

  52. eesha says:

    @ Sav Really? You're going to use the example of Jesse James, Tiger Woods, etc.? Your intentions with your future husband may be "pure" but can you say the same for him? Can you guarantee that his mind won't wander? Because let's face it, he's not going to advertise that before marrying you or after marrying you. How do you know that just because you married a non-virgin, your husband won't be a secret Jesse James or Tiger Woods? Temptations can lead you to do wild things.

    And I'm getting the feeling that you have it etched in your head that if you're a virgin, you're good. If not, you're carrying STIs and whatnot. Really? It's either one or the other? Nobody looks at virgins like they're losers in real life. In high school, MAYBE. In real life? Hells no. Get out of the shell you're in and face the facts. No one is forcing you to have sex with a number of guys and essentially be a whore + an STI carrying device. All Nessa is saying that if you think you found your "soul mate" you don't HAVE to wait for marriage to have sex with him. Do it before so you can feel even more intimate. After all, if he IS your soul mate, he won't pull a Jesse or Tiger or any of the other cliche stuff you put out.

    @ Jo I completely agree with you. I come from Indian heritage and while South Asians brought up with western culture don't think there's anything wrong with having sex before marriage as long as you don't sleep around, people (and by that I mean older generations) in India do think of non-virgins as damaged goods. And I can't contemplate why for the life of me. And this is from a nation who gave the rest of the world the Kama Sutra.

  53. oromia kiyyaa says:

    Hi,hi………….all things are fine ? what is the final stagge of this mission ?

  54. Blank says:

    For a bunch of virgins that scream out that they aren’t high and mighty, there has been a ton of jumping onto soap boxes and condemning those that have sex as herpes-infested whores. Way to decimate your argument.

    So, my turn:
    Live the way you want to live, and shut up about it already. Everyone.

    But as a non-virgin, I thought I should clarify: We aren’t all frivolously banging around from one guy to the next, having random encounters and one-night stands, all without any kind of protection or knowledge of our partners. It’s ignorant to assume such and wrong besides. And just because you live a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the best way for everyone to live.

    @Heather: Honestly, if you are trying to say that having pre-marital sex makes you more likely to kill yourself, I would say that that is one of the stupidest statements I have ever heard. Even if backed by statistics, it clearly something taken completely out of context to prove a point. Out of all these people who kill themselves because they’ve had sex in their teens, how many of those were raped? Molested? Do you have those statistics, or did you even think of that?

    The Take-Home lesson: Think, just for a couple of seconds, about the implications of what you say. I’m not going to just not have sex because I fear that if I do so, I’ll suddenly want to kill myself. And you trivialize the suicides of those teenagers by implying such. I doubt that pre-marital sex was the only thing bothering every single one of them. That said, I’m sorry for your loss with your friend.

    Also, saying that abortion wouldn’t be an issue if everyone waited until marriage sounds like you are missing the point. Abortion is an issue because it involves life, when it begins and whether it is your right to end it. If everyone waited until marriage, it would still be an issue. If a woman gets pregnant and then the couple gets divorced, will she still have the child even if she has to raise them by herself? If a woman is raped and becomes pregnant, will she still have the child? Abortion, like suicide, is a complex issue, with many factors to it. It won’t just disappear if everyone stops having pre-marital sex.

    I’m getting off my soap box now. The general message to all is: Stop being idiots, live the way you want to, don’t apologize for your life and don’t demonize the way that others live theirs.

  55. […] the comments from my article last week, it became pretty clear to me that the basics of safe sex is a blurry area for some people because […]

  56. Sav says:

    cheesy and lame illogical statements:

    "Do it before so you can feel even more intimate."

    "sexy time: DON'T wait" the title says it all. it is a command that u have sex.

    Ps there's no such thing as soul mates. souls do not marry or have sex and there will be no mating in the spirit realm. spirits do not have the desires of the flesh.

    And virgins until married are least likely to cheat than non-virgins! check the statistics! no one is perfect, but i am all for lowering the risks!

    also check out how the media and such poke fun at being a virgin need i mention films like "40 Days and 40 Nights" and "40 year old virgin"? seriously the world puts forth the image that abstinence isn't cool and then they wonder why certain diseases are on the rise. there is no protection against it people! it's a risk admit it and stop trying to act like illicit sex is a normal un-harmful thing when it isn't!

  57. Mary Kate says:

    I found this article kind of offensive… I am a virgin, and I am waiting for marriage. Do I wear a purity ring? No. Do I announce it to everyone? No. Is it wrong to do either of those? No, it's not. Each person's sexuality is their own, to express in the way that they choose. And while I do believe that waiting until marriage is the best scenario, many people don't wait and I don't judge them for it. I shouldn't be judged for waiting, either. Even though I am a virgin, I do understand the importance that sex has in a relationship and that's a big part of why I want to wait. Why share something so special with anyone other than who you plan to spend your life with? I think part of why so much emphasis is put on virginity because sexuality is sacred; it's the way we create life, and the beauty of that seems to be lost so easily.

    And just a word on the supposed "risks" of waiting until marriage… Sexual dysfuction can be fixed. STD's are a whole different story.

    1. Ella says:

      I'm 19 and a virgin and I agree with every word of this. Preach it girl

  58. Alex says:

    I also found this to be incredibly offensive and closed minded. How dare anyone judge or put pressure or call those who want to wait "naive". Sexual degredation is something that is rampant and unfortunately is removing the importance of the sexual act. Yes, its natural to feel those urges, but other things are also "natural" and we shouldn't give into them. I'm so bloody sick and tired of hearing people use that as justification, that since we're animals that we should do whats natural. I'm sorry…we also are RATIONAL BEINGS which means we are DIFFERENT THAN JUST ANIMALS.

    And you know what? Because sex IS so natural, if you're going to have it for the first time on your wedding night, then nothing will be different. I wish I had waited, but I didn't. My now fiance and I were both virgins and the first time we had sex was incredible and not awkward at all so I have no idea why people keep saying that you have to "test it out" and "know what you're doing".

    If you love the person, does it EFFING matter?!?! Not to mention he also said the idea of other men having me before he did made him uncomfortable and that it was a very primal thing. Most guys will actually be turned off by women who have had many many partners, just as many girls will be turned off by guys who have many partners. Either way, shame on this site for allowing this trash of an article. You have no right to judge these people for such a choice.

  59. Erika says:

    Great post. I've seen wayyy too many people who are "saving it" rush into marriage the second they're done with school admittedly because they are curious/want to experiment with sex but have decided to be a "waiter." What kind of a foundation is that for a marriage? I would add however, that waiting for love and monogammy are valid reasons to wait– the temptation/pressure to lose it randomly can result in a slew of psyhological and emotional issues that could probably hurt future sexual relationships that you actually want to matter.

    Another thought– what if the person you fall in love with (and are "saving it" for) didn't save their virginity for you?

  60. Lily says:

    I'm nearly 21 and I'm a virgin because I don't want to be used… please do not tell me that I am high and mighty because I have self-respect (in my situations, I'm not saying that people who have sex don't have any self-respect, but I have never even had an actualy relationship haha). I'm kind of stuck in a quagmire because I'm 'attactive' the only guys who attempt to date me (aka bed me) are the cream of the douche crop. Now I'm very insecure about being inexperianced but can't really do anything about it without screwing someone who couldn't care about my personality because I intimidate all the kind of guys I like. And I don't even believe in marriage! Newflash – some of us are insecure/shy/have high standards/think too much and many many other reasons. Crux of the matter = my vagina = my choice.

  61. CA says:

    So I can understand your viewpoint, but I'd tweak it a little bit: it's best to wait until you're ready, and for some people that may be when they are married. I do think that the whole waiting until marriage thing has been put up on a pedestal, but the truth of the matter is that some people just aren't comfortable with it until then. I plan on waiting, not until I'm married, but until I'm okay with it. I also kind of agree with Lily, I'll own up to being a little insecure about things, and I know I'm just not ready, and as far as I've come to understand doing something that you're not comfortable with isn't always the best choice. So I will be waiting, for now at least.

  62. Kirstin says:

    Well, I waited to have sex with someone I was in love with. I was 22 the first time I had sex, and he is my fiancee now, and, altough I don't regret it, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have sex with other men. Today I see how sex it's not that big of a deal. I am glad I waited until I was ready, but I just wish I had other experiences.

  63. Micah says:

    You should definitely wait utill after marriage if you want to have the Ultimate relationship. I told myself I was going to wait when I was a kid, went all the way through high-school and nobody knew I was a virgin. I didn't act like one and nobody ever would have guessed it. I was the life of the party and being 'active' wasn't a factor in making my life full.

    When I was 19 and in college (2 years ago) I decided not to give a shit and just do it. My adorable girlfriend and I had sex that night.. it was amazing! but when I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel as whole.. I had lost something and it wasn't to her. I didn't regret it, I still loved her to death, but there was something missing.. We did it again and it just got a bit worse. This was all in the back of my mind, I didn't let on that I was feeling anything out of the ordinary.. Eventually she admitted that, while it was amazing, she had doubts after that as well.. We tried to work it out but eventually broke up. Since then I have slept with over 10 girls and it's just not right. I eventually settled down and am getting married to my fiance, but it will never be as special as it could have been. Everyone can deny it, I did at one point, but there will never be a good enough reason to have sex before you're married. We all know it deep down, so listen to it. Don't listen to the lies of the world.

  64. Lexi says:


    I think it's so interesting that you find people who are waiting feel that their choice is superior. I am a virgin and whenever this comes up in conversation my friends harp on how shocked they are and how it's so much better to have sex than to wait to the point where it's almost demeaning. (While the opportunity has presented itself once or twice, I’ve never been in love or in a committed relationship. My friends shouldn’t attack me for this; they should set me up with someone wonderful!) Also, I don't think that society values virginity anymore as your article proposes. I've never seen a movie where waiting is idealized. Many of my guy friends have said that they wouldn't even have sex with a virgin because afterwards they think the virgin would want more, become clingy, and even a be nuisance.

    Besides, there are valid reasons for waiting to have sex. I'm waiting until I graduate from college, so if I do become pregnant I will be financially capable of being a parent because contraception CAN fail. Also I would never have sex without going to get tested with my date, partner, or whoever I intended to sleep with. I don’t want to exchange a night of fun for a lifetime of herpes (or HIV/AIDS).

    While it's true that there are drinkers and non drinkers, why must we also classify ourselves as virgins or sexually active? Can’t we just be individuals who make decisions based on what we perceive is best for ourselves? Sexual status is not black and white. It’s a personal decision, and who’s to say what’s right and wrong anyway?

  65. Jo says:


    'people (and by that I mean older generations) in India do think of non-virgins as damaged goods. And I can’t contemplate why for the life of me. And this is from a nation who gave the rest of the world the Kama Sutra.'

    That's what I was talkin about! I don't understand that. I have a friend who's Indian and her mother told her if she had sex before she was married no one would want her. While her brother was congratulated on losing his virginity. I feel there's a lot of gender imbalance when dealing with the issue of virginity.

    I'm a history major and a lot of laws about virginity (in the early days of history) simply came from not having anyway to have safe sex. It all came down to 'I wanna marry a woman without disease'.

    And now that we can have safe sex why fall into such archaic beliefs?

  66. Jess says:

    What happens when the person you finally fall for, decide you want to marry and waited your ENTIRE life for isn't a virgin, ouch…

    Would you still wait until you actually marry them, and how awkward would that be for both parties involved? Would you feel at all diminshed since they shared this experience with other girls while you waited? Would you feel foolish, or would it even matter at all?

    I imagine there's a helluva lot more girls waiting than guys… just sayin', and posing a few interesting scenarios..

    Also, sex for me and my boyfriend (of 5 years) isn't incredibly frequent due to our living arrangements, however it is very important in maintaining the unique intimacy that separates our relationship from those of our friends, etc.

    You can definitely tell a difference in dynamics when we need to reconnect in that sense… and how much closer and happier we are afterwards. Not saying that this is the only way to establish that intimacy, but in long term relationships its incredibly important.

  67. Stephanie says:

    I waited until I was married to have sex. My sex life is awesome and we have been married 6 years. I don't know what the problem is. When you wait it's more of an adventure. Yes you may not have any clue what you are getting into sexually, but if you are open, honest, and communicate with each other "I like it when you do … or I don't like when you do this… could we try… " it should be fine :) Besides you are deciding on whether or not someone will be a good mate long term by how they are in bed, what happens when other problems arise. People usually don't feel like having sex with communication/job/money/health problems are going on? In our economy this is huge.

    Sex may be one way to feel closer to someone, but many things will do that like talking, hanging out, being active in community projects, having the same interests, playing sports on the same team. Lots of things can bond you together as a couple just as much or more than sleeping together.

    I waited for several reasons but not because I thought I was going to be better than people. First, I didn't want some strange disease. Second I wanted to have all those memories of other guys in my head when I was with my husband. Third, I knew I wanted kids but no then. Thats pretty obvious… no sex no kids before I am ready to support them. And yes condoms do break. It has happened to friends on mine before. Last I did want to honor God and the bible is pretty clear about this issue. You may call those ideas lies but I am disease free, in a relationship where I know I am loved and respected, and completely have no guilt or regrets. My husband didn't wait and has huge regrets. I still love him. I still married him obviously, but it was an issue. Why get unnecessary baggage?

  68. Stuart says:

    Why is everyone making this so complicated?

    First of all, if you don't want to get a disease, don't have sex with someone who has one. Simple.

    Second. What if you get married and find out your partner likes whips and chains and golden showers, and you don't?

    Third. I find it incredibly sad that there are still people out there who don't realize that god is IMAGINARY.

    This is coming from a guy that didn't have sex until he was 28, when he found someone who he loved and was comfortable with.

    Guess what people, you are gonna DIE. You don't have much time on earth. Everybody remembers what death is like right? You were already dead once…… was before you were born. Yes. You WERE dead. Bet you don't remember it. Dead is not a noun. In fact it is imaginary too. The only thing that is real and that exists, at least to our consciousness, is being alive. Live life. Have fun. But just be smart about it.

  69. SomeoneElse says:

    I like the line that talks about sharing those "vulnerable, naked moments…" Sex is truly the most powerful way to reveal yourself and be transparent and vulnerable with your partner. has some interesting information on how sex relates to happy relationships. I think that lack of sex does more harm than most any other issue. Married couples need that coming together (no pun there) and that positive, affectionate experience together. Good article. Though saving yourself does have its merits.

  70. JoJo says:

    I also don't like the implication from some "waiters" that the sexual relationships you have when you're younger are naturally to be regretted because they didn't end in lifelong marriage. I'm now in a long term relationship that I think will probably end in Marriage, however I still look back fondly to earlier relationships. Even genuinely loving relationships will not always last, but that doesn't diminish their importance to that particular period of your life, and I think sexual intimacy is part of that.

    I certainly learnt a lot about myself and what kind of man will really make me happy, from the various relationships I've had in the past. I think navigating the potential pitfalls of sexual relations (jealousy, vulnerability etc) is part of growing up, and though sometimes I've been hurt, I've become stronger and wiser because of it. I wouldn't take it back!

  71. @ Stuart,


    You're my favourite :)… hahaha.

  72. Joslyn says:

    I agree with some of these aspects. Note: I was a "waiter" with Christian values…and my ex boyfriend shot that to peices…Now, I'm actually with a Christian man, and I just wonder, you know, how far is too far, what is considered "Sex"…

    Also, another reason why we are waiting to have sex, is because we don't want to get pregnant. People miss that aspect of sex. Sex was origionally created not as a pleasure, but for a purpose. The only 100 percent way to prevent yourself from getting an STD or having a baby is to wait until you're atleast ready to have a baby. My best friend from highschool got pregnant, and it breaks my heart to see them like they are, in a beat down nasty trailor, no money, dirt under the little girls fingernails, and fleas everywhere, never knowing how they are going to feed the baby let alone themselves.

    Sex isn't just pleasure, folks, it's a purpose.

  73. Jessica says:

    First off, I'm waiting till marriage, and weather you "feel" like you haven't given a peace of you away you have. Waiting saves you from heartache and STDS. and at the end you mentioned how it makes YOU feel good. In marriage it isn't about YOU its about the other person. Sex is apart of a relationship, in marriage, but its not ALL of the relationship. I believe the more you fall in love with that person the more good it will feel when you wait. Instead of giving it up in a fit of lust, when you wait you give it up in a fit of love.

  74. me says:

    this waiting business is very dangerous. I waited for the right girl for 30 years, now we are married and the sex is great BUT, almost everyday I think about the other 8 guys that she fucked before.

    even though she says that she was never happy with any of them, even in sex… I know that she did anal and swallowed sperm of 2 guys, one she married and was with for 2 years and the other was with for about 4 years.

    yes… I know… I was stupid to get so much info…

  75. JasonDC says:

    This is one of the most unscientific nonsense(ABC news report) I've come across as a Scientist. Quoting from the first page: "The increase in sexual problems was also seen in those who had a comparably earlier sexual debut. And the researchers were quick to point out that there isn't enough evidence to say for sure whether waiting to have sex necessarily leads to sexual dysfunction down the road. " and "Our results do not allow for causal interpretations," the study authors write. "While sexuality experts not affiliated with the study agree that it is too early to draw a direct causal link about those who have sex later in life". These researches are just speculating and are not even certain about their facts. There are also two main which comes into play: biological and phycological, which is crucial in one's upbringing.

    First of all There are litterally thousands to millions of people who had sex for the first time, felt no shame, and enjoyed each other. Like there's a first time for everything in marriage, sex is also one of those factors. Here are some reasons to save sex for marriage: 1) the risk of contracting an STI/STD is evident in the US, even with sex education, millions are still contracting STI/STD'S. 2) The risk of unplanned pregnancy 3) condoms/contraceptive are not 100% efficient or almost unreliable in protecting against STI/STD-which there is no clinical proof of the efficiency of contraceptives. 4) Sex is a powerful and intimate bond between two people, sex involves physical, emotional and phycological bond. 5)Sex outside marriages is damaging to relationship in that, there is no committment, and when couples break up, it's like physically trying to rip out your heart, only with the emotional and phycological pain, people who have had sex before in many cases loose respect and trust towards their partner or future partner. 6) There are many satisfying rewards for saving sex for marriage. This website should be useful for backing up my reasoning:

  76. JasonDC says:

    This is one of the most unscientific nonsense I've come across as a Scientist. Quoting from the first page: "The increase in sexual problems was also seen in those who had a comparably earlier sexual debut. And the researchers were quick to point out that there isn't enough evidence to say for sure whether waiting to have sex necessarily leads to sexual dysfunction down the road. " and "Our results do not allow for causal interpretations," the study authors write. "While sexuality experts not affiliated with the study agree that it is too early to draw a direct causal link about those who have sex later in life". These researches are just speculating and are not even certain about their facts. There are also two main which comes into play: biological and phycological.First of all There are litterally thousands to millions of people who had sex for the first time, felt no shame, and enjoyed each other. Like there's a first time for everything in marriage, sex is also one of those factors. Here are some reasons to save sex for marriage: 1) the risk of contracting an STI/STD is evident in the US, even with sex education, millions are still contracting STI/STD'S. 2) The risk of unplanned pregnancy 3) condoms/contraceptive are not 100% efficient or almost unreliable in protecting against STI/STD-which there is no clinical proof of the efficiency of contraceptives. 4) Sex is a powerful and intimate bond between two people, sex involves physical, emotional and phycological bond. 5)Sex outside marriages is damaging to relationship in that, there is no committment, and when couples break up, it's like physically trying to rip out your heart, only with the emotional and phycological pain, people who have had sex before in many cases loose respect and trust towards their partner or future partner. 6) There are many satisfying rewards for saving sex for marriage. This website should be useful for backing up my reasoning:

  77. […] Sex is a reasonable deal-breaker. It tends to be believed that breaking up with someone because the sex is bad is just an awful thing to do. In reality, if you’re planning on being in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life, it’s a completely rational thing to want that one person you’ll be having sex with forever to be a good match for you – in bed and out. Of course, some problems can be worked through (like technique) but if the basics of sexual compatibility are off – you want it eight times a week and he only wants it twice, his penis is really big and you have a small vagina, you need a certain thing in bed to be happy and that thing is something your partner never be willing to do – no amount of love is going to fix it. Those things will always be a problem, and sometimes it’s better to just nip it in the bud before you’re married with three kids (now can you understand why I say you shouldn’t wait?). […]

  78. Aiko says:

    I remain abstinent because I like knowing that on my wedding night I will be a worthy bride for my husband and not "used goods". But hey, that's just my conservative Asian upbringing talking, isn't it?

  79. Julie says:

    My husband and I waited. I'm glad we did…It was special because we learned together.

  80. Christine says:

    But how many people do you know who waited and never tell anyone that they did? Of course anyone who feels the need to announce it is going to be doing in, in part, because of what other people will think.

    And there's lots of ways to be intimate without sex. The general problem with having sex too soon (not necessarily before marriage, but that's what I waited for) is that it's an easier way to be intimate. You can think that you have a good relationship when you don't.

    It's not like waiting's a big challenge. I mean we were in our twenties. It was three years before we got married. That's way less time than we'd waited already. And besides – it makes the rest of what we did do that much more fun. Waiting, for us, didn't mean no kissing, and it didn't mean more cuddling. We got very good at both of those…

  81. […] not be in. Whether it’s too much flirting or too much tequila, sometimes we send mixed signals. One thing leads to another, hands are creeping towards places we don’t want them to go and we realize it’s time to put the […]

  82. […] not be in. Whether it’s too much flirting or too much tequila, sometimes we send mixed signals. One thing leads to another, hands are creeping towards places we don’t want them to go and we realize it’s time to put the […]

  83. Val Boschee says:

    good luck being you

  84. John G. Parisi says:

    Doctor Menninger wrote a book, "What ever happened to sin."

    A very good question. We have forgotten the Ten Commandments and The Seven Captial Sins. So I suppose since sex before marriage is fornication, then sex before marriage is a mortal sin. Two people in love realy in love will wait until marriage. Faith in one another and in God give you the grace to wait till marriage.

    The year 1954 when we were married we had to have a blood test before we could get our marriage licence. We were embarrased but if we wanted to get married we had to have the blood test to make sure we had no std.

    We have come a long way, but we have to ask ourselves has the changes been good our bad?

    1. Anna says:

      There's no such thing as "fornication" in the Bible. That's a mistranslation, the correct translation is "sexual immorality," which is not defined as sex before marriage, but as things like incest, sodomy, and adultery. The Bible never mentions premarital sex at all, as ancient Hebrew culture was completely different when it came to marriage. Wives were treated as property, and it reduced a bride's price if she was not a virgin when she married. But there is no mention of the premarital sexual relations being a sin, just that a man who slept with an unmarried woman had to pay the bride price so her father wouldn't get cheated out of his money/cows/sheep/whatever. Now that wives are no longer property (thank goodness), there is no good reason not to have loving sexual relations before the wedding day. I don't think God approves of promiscuity as that is lustful, but remember, not all premarital sex is promiscuous.

  85. Giovann Santiago says:

    ok im 20 im a virgin i live in bushkill PA and i just did 2 years in jail at 18 boy did guys harass me about being a virgin and girls did too i dont know what to do now i mean i see gorgous woman everyday and all i do is wanna have sex but it never happens i mean i am a christan but im maybe thinkin that its all for a reason that im not gettin any but then again i want to have sex not just with any body with the right one thoughi dont know it has to be right i just want the feeling to go away ANY advice for me im 50/50 here

  86. AC says:

    First of all, you can't prove God doesn't exist anymore than you can prove he does. You either have faith, or you don't and that is the ENTIRE point. If you prove it, there is no faith.

    The Christians I know are some of the happiest people I have ever met, they aren't miserable misers who drag them selves to a boring church service and don't live their lives because they live them for God. They are happy, LOVE attending church as much as they can and feel an overwhelming sense of joy and acceptance in their relationships with their God, and WANT to live their lives for him, to them it is living, and sometimes I think they live better happier more fulfilling lives than I do. Soooo, don't knock something that keeps people happy. While they're out being happy and rejoicing in the lord and accepting everyone (even the non-believers) because that's what their God tells them to do, you're sitting behind your computer screen with a negative attitude toward them and their beliefs. Who's making this world a more miserable place? Think on that for a bit.

    Secondly, my best fiend/ ex's mom told me the other day when I was grieving our breakup that God doesn't tell us not to have sex before marriage because he doesn't want us to have fun; it's because he doesn't want us to get hurt. And I can tell you from experience, it does hurt. And I'm sure the breakup wouldn't hurt half as bad if I hadn't given him my mind body and soul, which are meant for the one you're going to spend eternity with so you don't have to feel that pain.

    Does that mean I'll wait from now on, likely not. Once you've tasted "the forbidden fruit" it's hard to resist ;) We've all gotta make our own choices.

  87. Amie says:

    I am a Christian, my husband is a Christian, and we both waited for our wedding night to have sex. If he had not been a virgin, I still would have married him, and if I hadn’t been one, he still would have married me (we talked about it).

    Although my relationship with Christ was a HUGE factor of my waiting, I also am ECSTATIC that we both waited because the best thing was that I never have to worry about him comparing sex with me to sex with someone else. I never have to ask him if I was better than any of his exes, and he doesn’t have to feel insecure about his size, his experience, or his natural abilities.

    There is so much that goes into having sex with a person, being that vulnerable, and that intimate and exposed, that I can’t imagine doing that with anyone except my husband. I honestly wouldn’t want to go through that multiple times!
    And as others have stated, if the sex was bad, there is counseling (which I would have gone to even as a Christian), there is help out there.
    But the best part is that neither of us knew what “bad sex” was, because we hadn’t had it before!
    My husband and I were VERY tempted to have sex multiple times before we got married, but didn’t, and after being married, both of us have said that we are very glad we didn’t until we were married. That first time was weird, and a little awkward, and for me it hurt. And if it had been in any other context it would have been HORRIBLE. Being our wedding night, and being that we were (and are) completely in love with each other, and that we knew each other really well, and were prepared for the weirdness and awkwardness of that night, it really WAS special, and it was beautiful.

    I wish EVERYONE could have that kind of experience.

    I have several friends who didn’t wait. Even Christian friends who didn’t wait. And most of them told me that they wish they had. I know there are MANY examples of people who didn’t wait to have sex, and they got married and are doing well. But that is not the best way.
    While I do wholeheartedly believe it is better to wait, I don’t shun those who haven’t. I don’t judge those who haven’t. I don’t think they made the right decision, but that doesn’t mean I’m not friends with them, and that doesn’t mean I don’t love them and accept them.

  88. […] does this mean for those who prefer not to partake in the “crazy” activities – those who are waiting ‘til marriage to get busy, or people who just don’t enjoy the whole casual sex and drinking scene? These people […]

  89. Leigh says:

    "…the morality in sex lies not in when you do it or who you do it with, but how it makes you feel in the long-run"? Does anyone really believe that morality is hinged on how what you do make you feel? I was agreeing with the writer up until that point. Correct me if I am getting the wrong idea, but if you do something morally questionable, like voting republican or killing a puppy (not that I am comparing sex to either of those things) does the morality really lie in what your feelings tell you after?

    1. Ness - Sheridan says:

      I mean that only in the context of sex. If you're not hurting yourself or others — if you're acting safely and your choices are affecting you positively — I don't think it's fair for anyone to deem your sexual behavior as "immoral". That's all I was trying to get at.

  90. erika says:

    wait until you're ready, marriage or not. Like one of my friends parents once told us "girls, sex and marriage is like buying a car, You have to test drive it before you know if you want to buy it" yes it kind of sounds dumb, but its also true. You don't want to marry someone you have no chemistry with, however, if you're not ready or comfortable, wait. Its not that hard, if he loves you he'll wait. I chose not to wait, and it was so perfect for me we are still together and engaged. That's not the case for everyone, just at least make it special (or try to).

  91. Pinoy says:

    I think one of your ciaemrcomls caused my web browser to resize, you may well want to put that on your blacklist.

  92. Jaclyn says:

    yeahhhh… you go have fun with that STD.

  93. TheASP says:

    So I'm "incredibly naive"? I'd probably be more insulted if I wasn't laughing so hard!

    Look, I'm a virgin because I'm not ready to have kids, capisce? And STD's? No thank you.

    Have you ever met anyone with AIDS? I have. He went to my old high school, and
    talked about how he had been celibate for decades now. If you sleep around, there is definitely a chance of contracting anything from Herpes to AIDS.

    Are you ready to have a baby? If so, carry on. If not, you better be ready to provide for him/her if you get an unexpected bump!

    Yeah, yeah yeah- you're gonna tell me that you use "protection". Because condoms don't break and everything is 100% safe. I don't care if there's only a 1% chance of contracting a disease or getting pregnant. I'm not risking my goal in life, my dreams, just for some momentary pleasure.

    So don't go around calling us "virgins" naive. It just makes you look stupid. Disagree if you want. But don't expect us not to get irritated when you insult us. Like it's not hard enough already.

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