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Without sounding conceited, I’m smart, funny, pretty and I’ve got an hourglass figure. My problem is that I’ve got a whole lot of personality and apparently I’m intimidating to guys. Whenever I go to parties, I get hit on but it never goes anywhere because although I act really outgoing, I’m secretly shy when it comes to guys and, ironically, I am attracted to guys who are also shy.
None of my friends would believe it, but I can’t for the life of me ever think of what to say to a guy. I’ve tried visualizing them as girls, but it never works, I just can’t get comfortable around them. Part of my problem is that my best friend, who I’ve known since I was a kid, is gay, but I didn’t figure that out until recently. When we hang out together, it’s like we’re two girls. Now every time I’m with a guy, I expect it to be the same level of ease, but it never is. Even with my guy friends, I’m not at ease and would never call them to hang out alone.
Can you think of anything to help me out? I’m getting desperate here.
P.S. I always find out their interests and steer the conversation onto that topic, but I still can’t seem to make anything of the flirtatious encounters.
Dear Tongue Tied,
Shyness is a debilitating condition. I’ve been a recovering SST (shy silent type) my entire life. Fear not though all you fellow sufferers, there is a cure.
Confidence is key Starting the conversation is the scariest part of the process. We’re terrified of rejection. We feel like we have nothing to contribute. Part of the fuel for shyness is the fear of disapproval. We want to be accepted. Acceptance is approval. Has the chain of logic belted you upside the head yet? To combat the panic attacks, you have to take the pressure off of yourself and look at the situation with a little perspective: “If he/she throws a slushy in my face I’m not going to die, I’m not going to be suddenly rendered mute, I’m not going to run out of people in the world to talk to, and I’ll know this person is a dJ*©#e not worth my time.” If you relax, he’ll relax. Deep breaths, ignore the ringing in your ears, and just say “hi.” You’ve got nothing to lose! Fortunately, Tongue Tied, sounds like you’re already past this stage of rehabilitation. Onward…
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice! Start up a conversation with everyone (unless he has a John Holmes mustache or is wearing a 70’s disco shirt. If he has both and is paler than Sheamus from the WWE, then seek out the Slayer immediately). Conversation is a skill that has to be developed. You’ll feel embarrassed at first but you’ll find your rhythm. Ask any aspiring artist you know, they’ll explain from painful experience that to survive and thrive you have to thicken your hide to rejection.
One of the things that the painfully shy are prone to do is overcompensate. We go from a vow of silence to rambling like Bob Dylan on Adderall. This can be completely unconscious (to you, not to the other person looking for an escape hatch). By taking over the conversation we come on too strong. This turns people off. Ask questions. When you offer opinions make sure you leave room for discussion. Let him be the leader for a while. The next guy you chat up, gauge if you’re intensity can stand to be dropped a few levels.
A pretty, smart, sexy, funny woman isn’t something guys want to run away from. My intuitive inference is that the problem you’re having is your approach due to your shyness, which stems from years of reinforced fear of rejection. You’ve got to take the pressure off yourself to impress. You’re goal shouldn’t be to “win him over” or “convince” him you’re who he wants. That’s putting your self-worth in his actions and belittling all you’ve got to offer which sounds like A LOT. Remove expectations of approval. Focus on having a good time getting to know him because he interests you. If you approach him relaxed then that will set the tone for everything else.
Next time think: you’re not being graded, he can’t hurt you unless you give him the power to, and there’s always the cute guy that just walked in.
Don’t freak out,