The Hills: No One Likes Heidi’s New Face

By Lauren

Some people say Ryan Seacrest the hardest worker in entertainment, but after last night I disagree. My DVR definitely works harder. Between The Biggest Loser, Glee, The Hills and The City, that little guy was on overdrive last night. I don’t know how he does it. I was stressed all day trying to figure out which show I’d watch first and which ones would have to wait for today. Obvi, The Hills season premier was on the A-List. And it did not disappoint.

Even if 29 of the 30 minutes of the show were devoted to Heidi listing off all the procedures she had done.

I just loved how those savvy MTV producers tried so hard to avoid showing Heidi’s face for the first 5 minutes of the show, trying to keep the suspense alive. As if we hadn’t already seen that fame whore on magazine covers, hosting trashy pool parties in Vegas or showing off her new goods on every. talk show. known to man.

But still, seeing her mom’s reaction when she saw her for the first time: priceless. I wasn’t surprised by her utter horror (I stared at those initial People pictures for a good hour trying to digest what happened to this chick), but Heidi was. She expected her mom to love her new face, her ginormous boobs and the fact that she couldn’t chew or talk. And when she didn’t, Heidi cried.

Which makes me wonder: why didn’t the doctor do something about that horrifying crying face? Girlfriend spent enough money, you think he’d throw that one in for free.

At least Heidi’s step-dad tried to be nice when he saw her. I mean, at least he smiled when he tore her to itty, bitty plastic pieces. “Yeah, your face is more structured.” [Smile.] “It looks like it’s tighter.” [Smile.] “Like you’re frozen.” [Smile.] That seemed to be easier for Heidi to swallow than that burger she was workin’ on.

And it made me laugh. A lot.

You know what else made me laugh? Well, for one thing, the fact that there was a commercial for Sunset Daze, the new reality show on WE about old people in retirement home. The other is this whole “Kristin is on drugs” situation. Does staying out until 5 a.m. and having skinny legs automatically mean you are on drugs? If so, I should probably consider checking all 8 of my roommates into rehab with Jesse James.

That whole situation was laughable. First Lo approaches Kristin and is all, “people are saying things about you.” Uh, correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t these “people” just her? She’s the one that brought it up… And then Stephanie gets all concerned about hanging out with a crackhead (btw, I’m pretty sure if Kristin is using anything it’s NOT crack, ladies), because of “where she’s at in her life.” The girl got a DUI, is in AA and still goes out to party all night in Miami? How is Kristin the problem here?

Look, I hate Kristin just as much as anyone else watching the show (and not just because she looks better hungover than I do on my best day), but just because the girl goes out and has a good time doesn’t mean she’s doing lines off of a toilet tank. Maybe she’s just a fan of Sugar Free Red Bull? Or Five Hour Energy? Ever think of that, Lo?

After all, that’s the stuff that kept me up until 2am catching up on all my shows… Granted, my thighs aren’t as skinny as Kristin’s but as she so eloquently put it, “I’ve always had skinny legs!”