The 6 Stages of Getting Drunk

It wouldn’t be a Friday night if you weren’t incredibly inebriated and on the verge of getting a record-breaking 10th DUI. But how did you get from your desk in the library to this high-speed car chase? We’ve  cracked the code to figuring out how you went from slowly sipping a beer to walking around the bar drinking the bar’s signature tornado-tini out of a cowboy boot.

Sober– All you wanted to do tonight was go home, catch up on your NSFW links, and fall asleep. But your stupid friends dragged you out to happy hour. But seriously, you’re just having one drink and going home. And your friends are crazy if they think you’re going to laugh at their jokes and engage in polite conversation.

Buzzed- You know what? It’s Friday night and it’s kinda stupid to leave the bar now that your beer goggles are just getting into focus. Why not order a few more beers, take a couple shots, and find out just how drunk you have to be to willingly take home your morbidly obese T.A from last semester.

Drunk– Sometime between that last round of shots and dancing on the bar, you’ve become a stand-up comedian and a first-rate politician. When did your jokes start getting so funny and since when did you become so into illegal immigration reform? You’re going to do some great and timely Molly Shannon impressions as soon as you get back from peeing outside the bar.

Blackout- What did you just snort and where are your pants? And most importantly, when did you lose the ability to speak English? Good thing you’ve still got those sick dance moves; nobody does the lawnmower like you do. In other news, love your new bicep tattoo of you and the TA getting married.

Clinically Dead– That’s a cozy spot in the back alley. Why don’t you just lay down, make yourself comfortable, and sleep it off. And remember whatever happens with the homeless man doesn’t count if you can’t remember it.

Hungover – Wow. There’s nothing quite like waking up inside a dumpster on a Saturday morning. A lot of things are pretty blurry right now but you’re pretty sure you got to second base with a raccoon last night. It’s all cool though, just another great thing to say during the next round of Never Have I Ever.



    1. dressdarling says:

      I think you forgot the step between drunk and blackout: sad tired drunk. You dance half-heartedly, you moan to your friends about how no one loves you, you try to crawl under the bar for a nap. Eventually you decide that you need more shots to perk up… which of course is what leads to blackout.

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    5. mollination says:

      Eh….I get what the aim was for the humor in this, but I don't really think "record 10th DUI" is silly or even sarcastic-funny….

      Also, I agree with the commenter above. I feel like you could have done a similiar list with the more realistic way it goes down:

      1. Sober – your description

      2. 2 beers deep, feeling a little chatty

      3. Buzzed, hey this is actually a really fun night! I love this bar! "OMG Teresa, I haven't seen you since Freshman year summer camp when we sat four rows away from each other and never spoke more than 8 words to each other! How the dick are YOU!?!?!?"

      4. Life of the bar-happy drunk- dancing, debauchery, peeing outside craziness

      5. Getting kicked out of the bar for crying/making a scene/ humping someone on the dance floor/ removing articles of clothing/ breaking something/yelling incoherently

      6. Passed out, blacked out in the backseat of someone's car

      7. Hungover.

      See! Funny, relatable, not "wtf, that's not even funny".

    6. Disappointed says:

      I'm so disappointed, I thought Jenni wrote this herself. Guess not. This is lifted right from…


    7. jackie says:

      She clearly wrote both. Look at the names.

    8. Disappointed says:

      bahahaha! my bad.

      i guess i know how to pick the good articles!:)

    9. Parks says:

      Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

    10. criolle johnny says:

      Parks … It's an "outlet" for electricity. Stick a paper clip into one and you'll prove that. I don't recommend it. That stuff gets "out" in a hurry!

    11. Rodriguez says:

      Most exciting experience thus far in your life?

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    15. Moda Laura says:

      Nice list – I guess I can recognize these stages still from my teen years – quite entertaining if you are in stage 3, stage 6 is not very fun ;-)…

      1. something pt says:

        what is your job now?

    16. caseyhampton says:

      oh qu'il est trop beau !
      vraiment ressemblant et vraiment mignon, on en croquerait bien un morceau ^?^

      cheap nfl jerseys from china

    17. Gracie says:

      Good thing when I'm sober, I started walking back home to sleep. I wouldn't want to experience the last three stages. Although I think it's fun, if you see your friend Clinically dead and start rolling on the streets. lol

    18. Sandra Mode says:

      Yes I experienced them all last month again:-)

    19. feniko24 says:

      hahahah this reminds me of myself

      be naughty review

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