Celia says:
Sun, 2nd May 201011:33 am 

I'm literally going through the exact same situation right now with my roommate, and it has got to be the most frustrating thing on the planet. The situation just affects her overall behavior, and really makes her a not awesome person to hang out with.

Caitlin-University o says:
Sun, 2nd May 201011:55 am 

As someone in a relationship that's been having a lot of downs more than ups, it's equally as frustrating when your friends think they know more than they actually do. It's easy to say, "you should just break up with him" from the friend point of view and the whole you're too good for him conversation is easy as well. However, put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your friends to abandon you in that situation? You wouldn't want your friends telling you what to do. And if you suddenly stop supporting her, though you've been telling her she needs to make her own decisions, that's conditional friendship. You can't tell her you support her, and then back out when she doesn't make the decision you want her to.

I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and when I was in a terrible relationship, I had friends that supported me no matter what. Yes, it was hard for them to see me stay with someone who wasn't good for me, but they were there when I needed them. And when it was finally MY decision to get out of the relationship, they were still there for me. When you're in a bad relationship, you want it to be your decision, not your friends. Your friends are not in the relationship nor are they in love with the other person.

It's not that she doesn't take your advice and concern seriously. She's making her own choices that you don't agree with. You don't have the right to tell her what to do because you aren't in her relationship. If you're a good friend, you'll be there for her and support her, though it may annoy you. The only reason you should really step in and do something about it is if her boyfriend is abusive, and in which case do what you can to help her. Otherwise, you need to take a step back think of how you would want your friends to treat you if you were in her situation.

criolle johnny says:
Sun, 2nd May 20101:12 pm 

Love IS blind. It's also deaf, dumb, stupid and occasionally insane. Don't try to reason with a crazy person.

gabby says:
Sun, 2nd May 20105:30 pm 

i am in the exact situation with a friend of mine and its not just me trying to tell her to get out…it's EVERYONE WE KNOW. At that point, I don't know how she can turn a cheek and ignore the advice that everyone is trying to give her. All she is doing is making herself look like the village idiot and i can't tell if she knows and doesnt care and is just oblivious.

I did the whole support thing. I did the tough love. And I did the "its your choice, your life" thing. Nothing changes. I have decided to butt out completely because she already knows how i feel. I try not to bring the guy up and when she does, I just shrug. Because when someone refuses to listen to wisdom from a friend(s)….you just gotta wait for the heavens to open up above her and give her a big, hard smack on the head. I know someday she will realize how stupid the relationship is….hopefully.

Maggie says:
Sun, 2nd May 20105:44 pm 

My bestie is dating the biggest douche in the whole world, that being said, I just got out of an abusive relationship with a guy who tied with my besties douche boyfriend for biggest jerk ever.

One thing I learned from my relationship is that if you are convinced you are in love and have been with this person for a while it doesn't matter what your friends and family tell you. "Love hides a multidue of sins" thats from the bible, but it's so true when you are in a shitty relationship. When your loved ones speak out you just tell yourself that they don't know him and they only focus on the bad parts of your relationship.

But since getting out of that relationship and dealing with my besties relationship, I've learned a few more things. Mostly that nothing sucks worse than your friends giving up on you, thats why I always stick with my friend even if it drives me completly crazy. I had freinds that ditched me and then when I broke up with my ex, I felt like I didn't have anyone to turn to.

Basically, no matter what you say, she's gonna stay with him, but unless their relationship is legit driving you insane try to stick by her. Eventually they (hopefully) will break up, and then she'll need a freind to tell all her horrid stories to.

Jasmine says:
Sun, 2nd May 20107:29 pm 

I was there in the past and unfortunately lost my friend because of it. The guy was actually punching her and raping her but she wouldn't leave him. He was banned from our school and I hear she finally decided to leave him. I just felt that at one point she chose him over me and it really hurt so we no longer talk/acknowledge each other when we see each other around. It sucks :[

RJ says:
Sun, 2nd May 20107:39 pm 

I was in your friend's situation. I can honestly tell you that nothing anyone did or said to me could change my mind about how I felt. The only thing that did change it for me was about 8 years. What meant the most to me were the people who stood by me and were there for me endlessly. And while they didn't lie to me and say they thought it would work out (in fact they knew it wouldn't) and even though I'm sure they were sick of hearing about it, they always were there for me. The people who got sick of it and just pushed me away just sent me spiraling downward and made me hold tighter to the guy. The way they acted towards me was very hurtful.

Honestly I don't think there is anything you can do or say that can help your friend but just be there for her. Hopefully that support will be enough to get her through.

Angela says:
Sun, 2nd May 20108:20 pm 

Be carefull. If watching The Hills (I know, I know, stupid reality show. But c'mon, most of us watch it.) taught us anything, it's that friendships can be destroyed over situations like this.

Lola says:
Mon, 3rd May 20106:40 am 

She has to mkae hte decision on her own. I spent months listening to ALL my friends telling me how much they hated my boy, but until I was ready to walk away there was nothing they could say or do that would change my behavior. Just be there for her when she needs you and when she finally gets out.

If it becomes unsafe however, get someone else involved, parent, mentor, someone.

Hannah says:
Mon, 3rd May 201010:30 am 

"If she isn’t willing to leave the relationship (as its way past the point of repair), I don’t know if I can just stand by and watch."

That is called an ultimatum. Which is controlling and manipulative. If you were going to go that route… you would basically be saying to her, "pick him or me". Unless he, too, is asking her to choose between him and her friends… this would single YOU out as the bad guy in her eyes.

All you can do is be there. I think abusive relationships, even just emotionally abusive ones, are much like mental disorders. When you are depressed, the LAST thing you want to do is go see a doctor every week and take a bunch of medicine. When you are miserable, you have no motivation to try to get better, because your mind is so clouded with that negativity. Eventually, this guy will do something so bad, it will break through her "clouds". And trust me, you would regret not being there to help her maintain that motivation to get and stay away.

Jessica says:
Mon, 3rd May 201012:02 pm 

As someone who is dating a "douche," I can honestly say that while I appreciate the concern of my best friends, I'll also admit they don't know the full story. Sometimes, I don't want to admit that I said something totally batshit crazy to cause my bf to freak out. And other times, we as girls read WAY too hard into things that my guy friends shrug off as dude behavior.

Kathryn says:
Tue, 4th May 20109:00 pm 

I went through this exact thing last year. My best friend put me through hell dealing with her boyfriend during my freshman year of college. She made out friendship completely one-sided, ignoring me when I could have used her support, and relying on me for support when her boyfriend turned bad. Finally it got to the point where I couldn't deal with it anymore and we stopped talking. She learned on her own about how awful this guy was and has broken up with the guy now, but it doesn't make up for how she treated our friendship when she was dating him. We talk on occasion, but it's not like it was before.

meg says:
Wed, 5th May 201012:52 pm 

I had a guy friend that was getting emotionally bludgeoned by his gf a few years ago. After a few months of her calling him every .3 seconds and holding him on the phone for hours, making him miss class all the time to deal with some sort of "crisis" she had that minute and flat-out treating him like crap and his just excusing all her behavior with "but she loves me and I love her," I had to get out. He went from being happy to an emotional wreck over "love." A group of us turned him into his parents (he was that far gone) and had to walk away. This was about 2 years ago, and we're no longer friends (I had decided at that point that his long-term health was more important to me than keeping the friendship) and he's happy now. And I'm happy he got out of that and I hope he learned something from it. It taught me a LOT about healthy vs unhealthy relationships, and to listen to my friends' concerns.

Kimberly says:
Thu, 6th May 20109:59 pm 

It's kind of ironic this post came out recently because my best friend and I have gone through something similar in the past few years. I was on and off with my ex for about two years, through which I complained and cried to my best friend because of how he treated me. After about a year and a half, she got to a point where she said, I love you and I've told you the same things over and over. Hearing what he does to you hurts me and I'm sorry I just can't hear about it anymore. I still love you, but I just can't hear about how he hurts you. I did feel somewhat betrayed but I understood why she did it.

About six months later, the roles get reversed. She's in a really bad situation with her boyfriend and I'm the one listening to what he puts her through. It definitely puts everything in perspective.

As a friend, it is your duty to be there for her. However, sometimes it gets to a certain point where you can't listen to it anymore without it really negatively affecting you. If it gets to that point, you should do what my best friend did. It sucked at the time, but at some points you have to be selfish. Good luck.

Lynn says:
Fri, 7th May 201010:30 am 

My friend just went through a breakup and is going absolutely crazy. She won't do classwork, writes her ex four page letters, and begs him to take her back. Watching this makes me feel sick. She's humiliating herself and has no idea why he won't take her back.

So I don't care if she doesn't like that we're being friends "who think they know more", because in this situation we do.

If your friend constantly complains to you and doesn't listen, just tell her you don't want to hear it anymore.

Marilyn says:
Sun, 9th May 20109:48 am 

I just went through the same situation. What you need to do is try to support her as best as you can, but also realize that there's a fine line between support and enabling. If the situation gets to the point that you can't function or are negatively affected, you must leave or else you'll go crazy. Like Kimberly said, at some points you have to be selfish.

Deep down inside, your friend may already realize that her relationship isn't healthy. She's probably just so desperate to have someone, anyone that she'll hold on to him for as long as possible or until something happens that makes her finally have to get rid of him. Either way, focus on yourself as she'll have to sort this mess out on her own and make her own choices. You've done all that you could as a friend.

Melissa says:
Tue, 8th Jun 20101:43 pm 

By keeping mum, you're enabling that friend to develop unhealthy cyclical patterns that eventually do effect her friends and family (you know… those people who have to listen to the same sob story over and over again and those people who give the same advice that's never taken over and over again…yea. them.) Being a true friend sometimes involves being brutally honest. If you were developing a similarly bad habit, you would expect your friend to tell you to snap out of it. Show her the same respect. If your friend can't see the forest for the trees (i.e., if the same situation continues to occur) and, instead, sticks with the drama, then maybe it's time to let her go. Unfortunately, some people simply enjoy the drama that situations like this carry and don't realize that their behavior is detrimental not only to themselves but also to those that care about them.

M says:
Sun, 11th Jul 20108:25 am 

I have a friend sort of in the same situation. She is in a "relationship" with someone who is technicaly already in a relationship with someone else. And it kills her that her "friend" won't leave that relationship and really commit to her. I've told her time and time again to move on, find someone better, who's available. She claims she is, but I know she hasn't. It has really disintegrated a lot of our friendship. She doesn't confide in me near as much anymore, because she doesn't like what she knows I'll say. We don't see each other as much, because she wants me to pretty much stay out of it (until of course she needs a shoulder to cry on.) I hate seeing her suffer, but I also hate that she's putting this very unhealthy relationship ahead of our friendship. She knows it's an unhealthy relationship, but, she keeps going back for more and more, and then comes running to me everytime her heart gets broken.

Anonymous Friend says:
Mon, 12th Jul 20106:35 pm 

I totally agree with you! My friend's been with her boyfriend for about 2 and a 1/2 years and just a year ago they had a kid together. Not only has her boyfriend not adjusted his behavior for his daughter and my friend, she also had to move in with her boyfriends verbally abusive parents. Since their child was born, my friend has had all kinds of problems with her boyfriend and his parents and worst of all, had to move out several times because she couldn't be around them. Ever since she knew her boyfriend, he has had problems with drug and alcohol and relapsed several times. He's also been controlling in so many ways. His excuse for not watching his daughter is always 'I make the money' and 'I'm tired from work'. After work, he always goes off to hang out with his friends and goes back home whenever he feels like it. But when my friend wants to take a break and be with her friends, he always has to fuss about it and when he actually does let her go out, he's threatening her to be in at a certain time. Oh and everytime he is out with his friends, he always comes back in the house drunk or high (which totally hurts my friends feeling). She's moved out or stayed the night at her parents house or friends house to get away from the problems but constantly went back. Just yesterday, she moved out and moved in with her mother. I hung out with her today and she is already talking about moving back in with her boyfriend. (even after the several times he's put her through hell). Do you realize this is a viscious cycle? And another thing: Everytime she vents about this, I give her advice that makes SENSE and when I do make sense she either one, gets defensive or two, change the subject. Don't get me wrong, I am more than welcome to hear my friend vent and I am here for her all the time but isn't it FRUSTRATING to hear the same thing over and over again? Especially, when she's not doing anything permanent to stay away from the issues that her boyfriend has caused her? It has been frustrating me to the extent and I really need advice. Should I still be there for her? Or should I stop helping her out emotionally everytime this issue arises?

Anonymous Friend says:
Mon, 12th Jul 20106:37 pm 

Oh, and one more thing. Her boyfriends parents are constantly verbally abusing her. Her boyfriends mother is ALWAYS telling her what to do and clean around the house and always degrades her of the things she does. and Her father in law is always calling her disrespectful names like "kitchen bitch" and it seems that he does not respect womankind what so ever. Dealing with her boyfriend is one thing. I cannot understand why she would move in even with her boyfriends parents calling her out her name and disrespecting her verbally.

Tamara says:
Mon, 12th Jul 20107:46 pm 

I have a friend who's in a relationship with a pshychopath (is that the right spelling?). He tells her she is stupid and spoiled, he has no friends so he spends his day facebook stalking anybody in school and he only wants to talk about school and school gossiping. As a friend, what I do is make sure she knows that she's not crazy or over rating when she gets mad at him because of his douche moves: I remind her she is smart, and beatiful and worthy, and that if he doesn't like her it's his loss. It is totally frustrating, but the key is: she knows what I think of him, though I don't say it very often. I hope one day, when she thinks of leaving him, she'll remember everyone (including me) is on her side: that's all you can do, as a friend. Don't lie to her: if she asks for your opinion she shouldn't be expecting anything but the truth. But don't be overwhelming or heavy on her. It's her life, after all: if you're tired of listening to the same problems, try to give her a hint. She'll start talking to somebody else before you lose it (which is good).

Emmie says:
Mon, 28th Nov 20115:35 am 

Ugh, god yes. They started as fuck buddies and, even though he liked her, she didn't like him back. But she kept sleeping with him. Even when she didn't want to. She was stupid from the start.
Then they got together because he was better than nothing. Because that's a GREAT reason to date someone, right???

He's polyamorous. She's not. But they still slept with other people outside the relationship, even though she wanted to be exclusive. Don't ask me why. She's just……like that. Ugh. >.< Not only that, but he's bi and apparently she is only ok with him fucking others when they're guys because it's not as bad…even though she fails to realize that IF HE IS BISEXUAL HE HAS JUST AS MUCH CHANCE OF LEAVING HER FOR A GUY THAN HE WILL FOR A GIRL. HE'S BI. HE LIKES BOTH. HENCE THE NAME. GUY, GIRL, WHATEVER. IT CAN STILL HAPPEN.
Then, when we went on vacation for my birthday, she caught him sexting (via FB) a girl I used to go to school with. She's got his password, which in itself says something about the relationship. She told him that if he ever cheats, she'll dump him. He changed the password. My boyfriend–who was also there–and I both told her that this meant he'd do it again. She said she'd have to catch him.
Last week she told me she caught him. BUT. They're still together. Because not only did she cheat as well, but they promised each other not to hang out with those people again.
What she fails to realize is that HE WILL JUST KEEP DOING IT. HE IS POLYAMOROUS. SHE ISN'T. POLYS DO NOT HAVE EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. THEY HAVE MULTIPLE PARTNERS. I explained this but she probably didn't listen because she KNOWS that he's Poly but she's still with him.
Before all this, I must add, she told me she wanted to break up with him but didn't know how because she was scared. I told her that if she even WONDERS if she should, then she needs to, and quick, because the longer you put it off, the worse it gets.
She never did.

Anyway, they're still together, and I'm now posting some things on her FB about it–a quote, and an article about cheaters. It doesn't matter that she did it, too. She drew the line, and she said she'd break up if she caught him again. She did catch him, so now she needs to stick to her word. (Hell, she caught him when he changed his password.)
She always makes the same mistakes and expects different results. It's not going to get her anywhere, and it sure as hell won't make her happy. Not only that, but if she can't map out those boundaries and stick to what she says about them, how can she expect to find happiness and respect in a relationship–both friendship and romantic? When the F*CK will she learn that things aren't going to change? They just need to break up already.
But nope. She couldn't even do THAT. First she said that she would. THEN when we talked, she said they were just taking a break. After that, she told me that they weren't breaking up after all.

Seriously, I've told her the same damn things every time she comes to me, and she never listens. Eventually it's going to the point where I'm not even going to give her advice because she'd rather close her eyes and pretend the problem doesn't exist.

Emmie says:
Mon, 28th Nov 20115:38 am 

By the way, I have nothing against poly relationships. I think they can work and be just as legitimate as exclusive relationships. I just have a problem with her trying to make something work that never will work. Not only that, but if they cheat once, they will again.
Just had to clear that up in case anyone got offended or got the wrong idea about what I said re polyamorous folks.

Josue says:
Mon, 13th Feb 20129:02 pm 

so sorry . buemmr with all the lack of sleep, I don’t function well..Leslies last blog post..