Ask A Dude: Stage 5 Sorta Clinger?
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to firstname.lastname@example.org. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]
So this past weekend, I was visiting a friend from high school. It was always pretty clear that one of the main reasons for the trip was to have a fun filled sex weekend. While I was there everything was great and was going according to plan.
While I was visiting him my roommate decided she wanted to plan a trip down there because she heard how much fun I was having and she happens to have friends in the area. When I told the guy about her wanting to visit and us visiting him again in a couple of weeks he was totally cool with it and seemed enthusiastic. However, since I’ve left the guy has barely responded to my texts. And has only told me that the weekend that we wanted to visit won’t work out because of a sports game he has that weekend.
I’m nervous that he thinks I’m clingy and wanting a relationship which is not the case at all. I’m curious if I should address him stating that I don’t want him thinking I’m wanting anything from him or him thinking I’m a clinger. But then I’m nervous that will make me seem even crazier.
How should I handle the situation?
The Mistaken Clinger
Dear Mistaken Clinger,
Let’s see if I understand the situation: you had great sex with this guy, you’re worried that since you’ve slept with him, he might be worried that you’ve grown emotionally attached to him, you don’t want him to think that so you’re considering telling him flat out that you’re not at all emotionally invested in the sex but you’re scared that if you do it’ll come off to him like you are emotionally tied. Phew. Inhaling now. Brain function returned to normal.
Question: what came first, the fear or the suggestion of fear (chicken or the egg seemed out of context)? Does he already think you’re a clinger or by telling him you’re not a clinger will he therefore think you’re clinging? The power of suggestion through protestation is a slipper knife to wield. To you I ask, how sharp’s your skills?
If you approach him pleading your innocence then you’re coming off defensive and look guilty of feeling in the first degree (for which you will be sentenced to repeated viewing of The Women while your eyes are taped open). However, if you come off cruel then you offend him and he’ll think you don’t have any interest in a second romping weekend. The first step in figuring out how to approach him, if that’s the path you decide to take, is to double-check your facts (don’t go chasing Mr. Darcy outside in the snow wearing your undies)! Be careful acting out of pure impulse, especially when you’re rattled to begin with.
First, assess the situation: why isn’t he as responsive to your texts? He could be trying not to seem overeager. Are finals monopolizing all of his time like 90% of the college population right now? Are you sending a few too many texts too close together and that might be scaring him off? Maybe he’s in an emo phase and has forsaken communication in favor of listening to Nirvana’s greatest hits. The other possibility is that he’s started seeing someone else (in that case, better not to know?). Whatever his reasons may be, you don’t know them. All you have to go by is what has happened and what you’ve done since. A little self-reflection is in order. Deduction is effective only if the original assumption is correct. Aristotle believed the Earth was the center of the universe and that the Heavens were a vacation resort. When you start with a ridiculously wrong assumption then every piece of information you theorize from that point is also ridiculously wrong, no matter how brilliant the reasoning. With a little perspective and a clear head, review everything you’ve done to him (don’t go there, pervs!). If you haven’t acted like a clinger then you’re not a clinger.
I’m all for the philosophy, “the more the merrier.” Bringing a friend along, one who won’t be interfering with the two of you, won’t be staying in his dorm room, who you’re not relying on him showing around or passing off onto one of his friends, isn’t something that suggests you’re a clinger. It’s a sign that you’re not anti-social (a definite plus).
My advice: be patient. Before you come out guns of denial blazing, give him a little bit more response time. Go a little while without texting (or sexting) him. Maybe your absence will force him to act. A little distance after feeling flustered and frustrated is usually a safe bet. You have to regroup. You have to regain your confidence. Acting out of insecurity is a death sentence for the casual fling. If it ain’t broke, why fix it?
Keeping it casual,