Sexy Time: Talk About It

I’ve been looking back on my sexual history lately and I’ve realized that I’m pretty lucky. Minus one or two “off” times, I can’t say I’ve had a lot of bad sex. While I try my best not to do a lot of comparing, I think I’ve found the difference between the good times and the not-so-good times – communication.

It blows my mind how many people have sex without ever communicating to their partners about their likes and dislikes. As much as we might will it to happen, our partners aren’t mind readers. Chances are they’re going off of what worked for them in the past, what they wish you would do to them in return, or what they’ve seen in porn. While you might get lucky and it’ll do the trick, most people need a few pointers in order to really get what works for you

I know, I know, talking explicitly about sex can be a little awkward sometimes (well, I would assume it is for some people… I do it on a weekly basis so I’m kinda used to it). Not to be too blunt, but if you can’t talk about what you’re going to do, you shouldn’t be doing it. That said, I want all my readers to be getting the satisfying sex they deserve, so here’s some pointers on how to communicate effectively what you like without sounding like a dominatrix:

“It feels really good when you do that” – Oh, it’s almost painfully obvious. If your partner is doing something great, tell them! If they know how much you like it, they’re just going to want to do it more. While moaning is nice, sometimes it’s better to be a little more forward. Just say it.

“It was really great when you…” – Again, not to sound too much like Oprah, but reinforce the good things. Let him/her know that that thing they just did was awesome, and you’d like it if they did that more often. If they’re GGG, they’ll take your feedback and run with it.

“Could you please…” – This one is a little scary at first, but trust me, people would rather be nicely asked what to do in bed than find out that the whole time they were doing something wrong.

“When I’m alone, I do this thing that works really well for me.” – Ah yes, not only will your partner be more than happy to hear about your masturbatory habits and how well that’s workin’ for ya, but you can show him/her what you’re wanting and get them to join in. Sounds like a good time to me.

“A friend of mine did this thing, and he/she said it was great.” – Also interchangeable with “I saw/read/heard about this thing.” I would suggest though, not saying that you like something a past partner did. While some people are okay with that, most people like to not picture in detail your sexual past. Saying what you like is, of course, the point, but your partner doesn’t need to necessarily know how/when you learned you liked such things.

Porn – I don’t know how I feel about endorsing this per se, but back in the day when I was too shy to just spit it out, I showed an ex boyfriend a porn clip in order to get the point across. “I didn’t know that’s how it’s done but she seems like she’s enjoying herself, maybe we should try that…” was something along the lines of what I said. I’m slightly embarrassed now about my lack of metaphorical balls to just say what I wanted, but being young I figured any kind of correction would’ve been ego bruising. But for the record, it did work, albeit in a slightly manipulative way. God, I don’t miss high school.

You can use me as an excuse, it’s okay – You can always bring up that this super-awesome Canadian girl who writes the sex column for CollegeCandy (and is also really modest) wrote about communication this week. It got you thinking — is there anything your partner wants that they haven’t told you about yet? Asking what your partner likes/dislikes first will most likely lead to them asking you the same question. Oh, I’m so helpful! Hehehe (forgive me, it’s really late..).

How have you guys talked to partners in the past? Do you have your own trick on communicating what you want?



  1. H says:

    I wouldn't exactly call telling someone that they are niave for not having sex, "modest" (free from egotism, boastfullness, or great pretension). That comment was heavily laced with "I'm right, you're wrong". Probably the farthest thing from modest.

    But you are right about communication being necessary if/when you do decide to have sex.

  2. Ness says:

    H, I said the IDEA of waiting what naive, not that the people were naive.

    Also, I'm sorry you missed out on my sarcasm.

  3. Ness says:


  4. Jennifer says:

    Great article!

    I LOVE the idea of using porn as a reference. I think i shall try this. Ha ha.

    PS. Why is H STILL reading your articles? If he/she feels so negative about your previous one and feels the need to continue discussion (even in a completely unrelated topic) about it. Why bring it on here? Tsk.

  5. collegethriving says:

    But what do you do when you want to tell them to stop something? The guy I'm with now sometimes REALLY hurts me, I think he has the impression that in fingering harder and forceful is better. How do I tell him to stop that without insulting him?

  6. Ness says:

    @ collegethriving, I would just be straight with him. Tell him how much you LOVE it when he fingers you, and that you LOVE that he’s so into it, but sometimes he goes too hard and it feels better for you when he goes more slowly. Hope that helps!

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