Ask A Dude: Major Mixed Signals

By The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

The other weekend I met a guy through a mutual friend at breakfast, and we hit it off. I happened to run into him later that day, and we spent a good four hours just chatting and flirting while working, and he ended up inviting me to his place to watch a movie with some friends. He had his arm around me during the movie, and once everyone else left, we started making out. He started to take things further, I went along for a while but then put a stop to it, saying I should go home, since I wasn’t comfortable going that far with a guy I just met. He said I could sleep over if I wanted or he could walk me home, and he said he wanted to get breakfast in the morning. So he walked me home, and we did get that breakfast.

The next night, we were both out at separate parties, but he texted me saying to let him know if I wanted to meet up. So later that night I texted him saying that my roommate was gone for the weekend, and to meet me outside the party I was at. He comes, I proudly announce that I’m drunk, and he just laughs and starts walking me back to my place. Again, we start hooking up, but after a little I again put a stop to it, since, again, I’d just met him the day before. He says it’s fine, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, etc. I apologize, since by this point I’m sober enough to realize that bringing him back home was a cocktease and a half, but he insists everything’s fine. He asks if I want him to sleep over or if he should go back home, I say he can stay if he wants. He asks if I’d like that, I say yes, so for the rest of the night we just cuddle, with him occasionally kissing my forehead and such, just generally being very sweet.

The next day, after he left (he had to get up early for church) I texted him apologizing for bringing him home, saying it wasn’t fair of me to lead him on like that, and that I wouldn’t have done it sober, and that I really like him but that I can’t go that far with a guy I’ve just met. He responds saying that it’s fine, he likes me too, and that he doesn’t want to take it as a setback between us.

But since then he’s pretty much been ignoring me. He won’t text me back, except one time (I asked him to lunch, he said he had class. When I said I was free later if he wanted to get together, he never responded.) This is very confusing to begin with, since one day he was saying he really liked me, sending me cute texts, and the next he’s ignoring me completely. But on top of all that, whenever he sees me in person, he seems genuinely happy to see me. I ran into him again while working, and we talked, and everything seemed fine, and if he sees me, no matter how far away we are, he’ll give me a really big wave or salute. I don’t get these mixed signals! If he was just looking for a hookup, why did he keep pursuing after I told him the first night it wasn’t going to go there anytime soon, and why did he insist afterward that he likes me and doesn’t want it to come between us? Or if he was looking for more than that, why did he stop? How could I have messed things up between the last text he sent and then the dead silence for the next couple days, we didn’t even see each other? And if I did mess things up, why does he still respond really enthusiastically when he sees me in person? I’m so lost, please help!

Thanks,
Left Hanging

Dear Left Hanging,

The number one question when the relationship goes nowhere is: “what did I do wrong?” My question to you, Left Hanging, is this: who says it’s all about you?

Some people have to be the cause of all their problems. Something’s wrong with me, it’s all my fault. There’s simply no other rational explanation. Everything was going so right and then it seemed to just peter-off. No one died.  He didn’t suddenly try to throw me out of a moving car at 50mph. He just stopped calling. How did I drive him away?

The cruelest form of rejection is indifference. There’s no closure involved and no understanding of what spoiled the fruit on the vine. We need a cause and effect in order to move on. There has been a death of potential happiness and we need to somehow mourn the loss (forms of grieving include clubbing, sleeping, sleeping around with other candidates for temporary happiness, and Chuck marathons). A need to find fault with ourselves can become a narcissistic endeavor. One person is rarely ever at fault in the dissolution of a relationship or the lack of development of a potential relationship because the situation involves 2 (that’s more than 1) people.

There’s probably no great and clear answer to your query, Left Hanging. Maybe the guy’s interest peaked, and waned, so he stopped taking initiative. Perhaps he fell for someone else. His friends might have talked him out of pursuing you because they thought you were a tease (peer pressure never ceases to be a cause of stupidity). It’s possible he still likes you but because he’s an a**hole, or just a dummy, he figures it’s better to end things before they have a chance to move forward. Perhaps he’s a two-faced liar that’s been leading you on. The truth to digest is that you will probably never have an answer or admission of guilt to put in your trophy case. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, that truth is worse than drinking Robitussin after a Spam sandwich.

Did you do something wrong by saying “no más” when he went under the skirt? No. Was it teasing to bring him home, entice him to stay over, and then keep him under the covers while you slept on top of them? I’d argue yes but you tried to address the situation which is a step in the right direction. The fact of facts is that he made the decision to stop. What sucks is that he had the right to.

Everyone would rather be the dumper than the dumped. Control contributes to one’s confidence in him/herself. Control is, sometimes, a selfish want. On top of that, control isn’t usually a realistic want. One of the hardest facts of life to accept is that we can’t control much of anything.

If you cheated on him, repeatedly teased him into blue ball Hell, told him you loved him then acted like he never existed, or you were waiting for him outside his house with a boom box every night playing “For Sentimental Reasons” then I’d say obsess over your guilt all you want. But since you’ve provided me with insufficient evidence any of those are the situation here, all I can advise is that you get over the need to figure out what you did wrong. Stop blaming yourself, and begin putting the experience behind you unless he re-sparks the flame. Blame doesn’t help you move on. It enables you to drive yourself crazy. Some people have a self-destructive need to do that. I hope you aren’t one of them.

Absolving guilt,
Monsignor Dude