Ask A Dude: Always a Girl Friend, Never a Girlfriend

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
My roommate is the type of girl who squeals and obscenely flirts when she runs into a guy she knows, has absolutely no coordination nor common sense, and cannot do a single thing by herself. At the same time, she’s notorious for always having a love interest, or multiple ones at the same time. Also, she admitted that she has a hard time thinking of any guys who are just friends or that she hasn’t had a romantic connection with.

On the other hand, I’ve never dated anyone and every single one of my guy friends has always, from the get-go, been just a friend to me.  All my childhood friends were boys and I do get along better with guys than I do most girls, mostly because of how chill the atmosphere is and there’s no requirement to squeal when I’m excited. I’m a typical guy’s girl–I’m quite content eating take-out/chips and salsa and watching a basketball game with a beer in hand, my favorite movies are action/suspense/comedy movies (aka Bourne, Rambo, Rush Hour..), I don’t expect to be treated like a princess (though I do believe in modern-day chivalry, like holding doors open), I’m happiest when I can joke around and just hang out, and very few things put me in a bad mood.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t do the obscene things guys do (i.e. burping out loud and snot rockets) and I take care of myself, care about the way I look, and carry myself like a typical girl. A lot of my friends tell me I seem really confident and get along really well with guys and even my guy friends routinely ask me if/why I don’t have a boyfriend yet. It’s not like I’m just oblivious to guys who are interested, it’s just that the guys who are interested are guys with whom I would end up emotionally being  ‘the guy’ in the relationship–and the girly side of me wants to date a guy’s guy.  I feel like my one-of-the-guys personality should theoretically work to my advantage, but obviously not and I’m attracting the exact opposite of what I’m interested in.  Is it actually a deterrent? Do the type of guys I’m interested in just naturally gravitate towards girls like my roommate who prefer to girly things and act ‘cute’?

-One of the Guys

P.S. This email was obviously a manifestation of my girly side. It’s embarrassing and it pained me to write it, but I’m actually just really curious..

Dear One of the guys,

First of all, I want to say thank you for writing in. Secondly, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.

Why do some girls get along better with guys and vice versa? Ever notice they tend to get trapped in the friend zone? That seem backward to anybody else? A guy who’s great friends with a girl understands her, respects her, and has earned her trust. Yet she refuses to take him to bed and reenact the most, um, climactic scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith (second only to the carnal carnage of Dolemite in The Human Tornado). She prefers to boink the tool that nods his head, feigning interest in what she’s saying, to steal glances at her bazookas. People act retarded, right? They’re just a bunch of idiots afraid of the right person, right? Well, there might be more to it than that…

Being a “guy’s girl” isn’t a deterrent. What deters people you meet are first impressions. How you hit it off with someone is pretty damned important! If you meet a guy and act like his friend then he’s going to see/treat/think of you as a friend. If you start out making it clear you’re interested in more than that…see the A to B to C of it all? (Side bar: Friends with benefits isn’t the rule, it’s an exception. Hence why the friends zone is a labyrinth most never escape from.) The next guy you meet, make it clear that you’re not just looking for another friend (I’m not talking about grabbing his junk or throwing your panties at him). Now on to why you attract wimps…

I need to steal a line from one of the greatest love stories EVER told. When talking about why he and his girlfriend, Adrian, are together, Rocky Balboa (go Flyers!) says, “I dunno, she’s got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.” In a nutshell, that’s why the girly-men (imagine that said in the Governator’s voice) flock to you. People are often attracted to someone who has a quality that they wish to have – hence the expression “opposites attract.” From my experience, a lot of the best relationships are between two people who are complimentary to each other; she’s a slob and he’s a neat freak; she likes Gossip Girl while he watches WWE Raw; they compromise by watching Chuck together and switching weeks doing laundry.

One man’s opinion: Work on not being friends with guys. To be clear, I’m not saying femme yourself up. Try letting him know you’re looking for something other than just drinking a beer and watching the game. Be open and receptive, otherwise called approachable. Sometimes we’re not aware of the walls we put up when we meet people. Take a step back. Ask your guy friends how they felt when they met you, as research. Then it’s just a matter of practice. If you want more, then don’t be afraid to let him know. Otherwise, you’re shortchanging yourself and what you have to offer.

Your Bro 4 Life,
The Dude



  1. T says:

    I ALWAYS have this problem. I probably have 2 female friends and the rest are guys. Either your guy friends see you as just another guy, they want to do the friends with benefit thing, or you're scaring off new guys because you only have guy friends and they think you hook up with all of them. Frustrating.

  2. Jenna says:

    My life. This is my life.

  3. Pink says:

    I use to be that girl friend, which sucks! I was naturally more comfy around guys because I am the only girl, however what changed that for me was becoming more girly and having at least one homegirl that I could hang out with instead of being aroung a whole bunch of guys all the time. I have been with my bf for over a year and can still hang with all of his guy frieds with no problem you just gotta find a balance…

  4. Jess says:

    oh gosh, i can so relate to this…this is my story and I totally agree with T I have 'scared' some guys off b/c they think that i hook up with all my guy friends

  5. Genny says:

    This too is my life. All of my guy friends (and almost any other guy for that matter) bitches and whines about how annoying and high maintenance girls are and about all the things most "girly" girls do- and I do NONE of them, so whyyyy do I not have any love interests?? Seriously, so baffling.

  6. Iris Crix says:

    hahahah!! sounds just like me…i dont even really think i have any real female friends. all my friends are guys but i must admit it seems every guy i meet just stays in that friend zone!

  7. Michael says:

    Interesting, most of the friends I have are female. Why? Because I have some kind of interest in them to begin with. However, when I have been hit on I almost never notice it unless it is VERY excentuated. In fact, I have been asked "What do I have to do to get your attention?" One gal adding "Do I have to litterally grab you and haul you into the bushes?" or yet in another case (after the fact) it was brought up that she felt like she litterally had to jump on me to get my attention. Now at times I might be a little nieve but if the woman doesn't make it obvious to me that she is interested in me it often results in me chalking her up to just being interested soly in frindship. I have often been refered to as the "Strong silent type" when hearing my friends describe me. While I guess that is true, I was raised with manners and am not the "jerk" that many "girly girls" seem to chase after. Later finding themselves abused in some fassion. I have respect for woman and that includes not forcing anything on them.

    Anyway, that is my 2 bits for what it is worth and "maybe" it will at least provide some insite into a decent guys thinking for you.

  8. Michael says:

    To the couple of ladies that said it scares off their potential suiters, I would suggest that this is because they only tend to have female friends that they were once interested in themselves and may likely be thinking that this is also true of you. Like I said in my previous post… Many of my female friends I "had been" originaly interested in at some point.

  9. Caroline says:

    I wouldn't exactly call myself a tom boy and am too much of a feminist to call myself a guy's girl. See, I don't relish in putting my sisters down for the benefits of boys and don't despise girliness, just stupidity. I do think that I put myself in the "friends zone", just because it's so much safer and less risky than the "flirt zone". Being friendly is the only way I know how to approach a guy. I can't flirt to save my life. Being in the "friends zone" doesn't bother me much as it's the result of my own doing.

    But, oh my gosh, reading this article it just hit me, I attract wimps! I've attracted more than my fair share of them. Among the guys who've had a crush on me, a lot had their sexuality (sometimes overtly) questionned by others.

    I don't discriminate against this type of guy. It's quite the opposite, they can be charming and lovely but it's just troubling. It makes me question myself : why don't I attract guy's guys then? does it make me less of a woman? One the other hand, I would feel awkward in a relationship in which I would be the "guy".

    I have long hair, am rather feminine and take care of myself. I don't see myself as tough, (no one ever brought it up either) but I could be no different from them, who don't see that they are verging on fruitiness. I've got to admit that my real issue here is that my feminity is at stake and that makes me feel insecure.

  10. Cesar says:

    Let me take a little bit from Michael and spice it up. I am extremely attracted to "girly girls", but mainly because it means that they take care of themselves and care about their appearence. I don't want to seem shallow, but let's face it ladies, men care about how you look. I don't, however, like the "girly girl" personality that sometimes comes with the package. You know- high maintenance, whiny, poor conversation skills, indecisive, etc. A lot of guys, good guys and bad boys, feel the same way. So if you're all telling me that you can deliver the looks of a "girly girl" without the pretty in pink BS, I only have two questions- Why don't you go after what you want and where have you been all my life? If you say you're like one of us, then remember that we are aggressive. If you are not good at flirting, fine. Use your body language. Here is the easiest thing you can do to let a guy know you want him- look him right in the eyes and give him a big smile. Ta-dah! You have to realize that very few guys will initiate something romantic without getting positive reinforcement from the girl. The guys that do usually are douchebags so be weary of them. Oops, did I just betray my own kind…

  11. erika says:

    My life. My roommates life too. We're useless, thankkk you for this article.

  12. Natalie says:

    this is me! only i'm kinda attracted to the guys who are opposite to me. i end up dating shy, sensitive guys most of the time.

  13. Tommy says:

    Have to say this Guy sounds like a manipulative narcissist! He leads you along just enough to keep you interested, but always ends up dating someone else. It sounds like he enjoys the attention and gets a power trip from stringing you along. I've got friends that do the same.

  14. […] your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any […]

  15. […] your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any […]

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  17. John says:


    I can confirm that yes having a lot of guy friends does scare potential bfs off. My personal opinion is not that you have hooked up with many in the circle already, it's more like I view you as a high risk cheater. If problems start in the relationship who do you turn to for advice? Your friends. A lotta times the guys in the group would "do" the girl-friend, but neither has made any initiative to cross the friend line so nothing has happened. I'm pretty sure that at least one or two guys in that group likes/liked her too.

    Girls also have a tendency to make up excuses for slutting around, and not taking responsibility for it, e.g. "It just happened". I'm sorry, but things don't "just happen". Own up to the mistake.

    Overall, a girl who mainly has guy friends is high-risk, and a large opportunity to cheat or hook up, esp when a friend suddenly decides that he has feelings for her. So many things can happen. You girls know it too. Just think of how you would perceive a straight guy who mainly hangs with girls…

  18. Rohit says:

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  19. […] both back in the same dorm now. Dormcest: Yay or Nay? 3) We are good friends. – I fear I am in the friend zone. 4) I am lazy/shy. I want him to make the first move but I think if I wait to long he might find […]

  20. Jennifer says:

    Oh i feel the same way too! It's kinda reassuring that i'm not the only one.

    My friends (all boys) and i train martial arts, so most of the time we end up together chilling out for a beer. We also listen to the same genre of music, mostly rock/metal. So i find it hard to relate myself to other girls coz honestly girls are kinda hypocrite among themselves. They compete among themselves and backbite and i doesnt make me feel at ease, whereas guys are pretty laid back. I've got 3 female friends but they mostly hang out with their boyfriends.. so.. I find myself most of the time with the bunch of guys. I think they treat me like just another guy in the group. Sometimes i overhear them talking dirty about some hot chick they met, even if i'm around. When i wear something pretty or special, they'd just raise an eyebrow or tease me by calling.. hey you girl.. pff.. it's annoying at times..

  21. Pho Shizzle says:

    I have the exact opposite problem!

    I've always had a lot of friends growing up, girls and guys. But I find myself hanging out with my guy friends more often than my girl friends, just because of what we do.(smoke,drink,chill,play video games..etc. I also MAKE SURE they KNOOW I'm not down to be a friend-with-benefit type of girl either)

    I hang out with my girl friends when I want to go shopping, buy make up, do my hair/nails, go clubbin/parties, etcetc.. the thing is, being with guys is a lot more laid back..less drama..but then they end up liking me.. even after I put them IN the Friend Zone.

    Many guys I meet, I will make it CLEAR that I just want to be a 'homie'..and they end up liking me and wanting to be more than friends. What's going on? I make it soo obvious that I Don't like them and I Probably Never will, I even try to point out other girls they should try to pursue. Why is this happening to me? I'm losing a lot of my supposedly "close friends" because of this. I DEFINITELY DO NOT LEAD THEM ON! I just act like.. well, ..myself. I don't even flirt with them, matter of fact, I don't even touch them..not even hugs with most guys.

    It's sad to me because I feel like our friendship wasn't real and they just want to bone (I know, I know, when DON'T guys want to bone?) *sigh* what do I do?

  22. Todd says:

    Well this article made alot of sinse, because my BFF is woman and i've known her for about 3.5 years now. She does have friends of both sexes, but typically she hangs out with me and my other male buddies when she wants to have a good time away from drama and BS that some of the other girls where she goes to school create.

    She's one of those girls that is very attractive and looks really good in dresses and other "girly" type outfits, but chooses to wear jeans or jeans shorts and a t-shirt around us most of the time. So ya see she's kinda of in the middle so to speak, girly but not afraid to be more of a guy sometimes in how she dresses, and relates to us.

    I'll admit "more than friends thoughts" have crossed my mind more than once but the friendship i have with her will and has so far overridden those urges and tendencies, because her and i have talked about it and dealt with to where its in the past and thats very important if you want a male-female friendship to last especially when both of you or just one has previously "liked" the other for more than what you already have because of sensual tension due to closeness and you both being "good-looking" people. My maturity has helped tremendously as well in that im not solely driven by my urges, that helps me to resist temptation when it "pokes" at me so to speak, which happens alot!


    Pho Shizzle i hear ya , because i used to be one of those guys, then i almost lost my friendship with the girl and i wised up really fast because i discovered i valued the friendship more than the romantic prospect, and worked double time to ensure it stayed just friends and became a really good one thereafter even more so than it already was. (by looking to date other women for instance, but still working on the friendship in a platonic way) Some guys just can't do that alright , they can't be just friends and stay that way, for whatever reason, whether their dating life sucks and then they start looking at you differently because you are someone they trust and you give them that attention that they may want but can't seem to find, or they're not mature enough to make that separation clearly enough in their heads to be able to keep it just friends with you.

    I would just ask them what it is about you that they find so romantically appealing that would cause them to see you that way. They may surprise you with their answers, especially if they're not usually open about it. Also try bringing your other female friends into the picture that you think would enjoy being around your guy pals, that way your not one of the very few women in the group, that may help take the male attention in a romantic sense away from you and possibly onto your friends, and who's not to say that it may result in some good relationships between them, hmmm? Thats my two cents, hope it helps, good luck!

    1. The Truth says:

      Todd, you sound like a conceited, emasculated, and naive boy who have yet to learn about the world. Hope you wised up in the past year or so and realize that men and women can never be friends as long as there are sexual attractions at play. Suppressing and rationalizing your primal instincts are unnatural and will only be a disservice to both of you in the long run.

  23. […] be pretty, smart or flirty but for some reason guys flock to her like white on rice.  It may you leave you scratching your head and muttering under your breath “what is SO great about her?” You probably have friends that […]

  24. […] the girl he needed at the time. He tells me I am beautiful and always makes me feel special. He and I have so much in common – we hung out all summer (he saw me more than his girlfriend), his mother even told him to […]

  25. […] These women are very likeable and easy to be around, but they have the tendency of falling into the dangerous friend zone. This slippery slope can wreak havoc on your dating life because while you’re puking your […]

  26. […] be pretty, smart or flirty but for some reason guys flock to her like white on rice.  It may you leave you scratching your head and muttering under your breath “what is SO great about her?” You probably have friends that […]

  27. […] to hook up with you before you did the deed. A lot of guys don’t start out looking for admittance to the Friend Zone. They get relegated there when they feel rejected. Or they think it’s a temporary halt on the Big […]

  28. joshmothafuknight says:

    girls always think they can tell when a guy wants a friendship more than a friendship and wether the guys just"want to bone" but the truth is 90 percent of the time guys cant tell what they want so how in the fuck can the girl most of the time when a guy introduces himself to an attractive female its because she is attractive guys dont always wanna bone but most of the time they do and they are testing the waters so to speak especialy if the guy in question is insecure about himself with the opposite sex this can be interpreted as a weakness and he might come off as a guy who just wants to be friends insecurity with a female isnt a weakness its a defense mechagnism some times guys are just afraid to get hurt so they dont try until they build a relationship with the girl but by that time its too late you are already in the dreaded FRIENDZONE

  29. VERY TRUE SAYS says:

    the way i look at it, women are without a doubt much DIFFERENT today, than they were years ago. more and more women were certainly looking to meet men back then, and now it has become so VERY HARD meeting women today. they seem to have that SHIT DON'T STINK OF AN ATTITUDE NOW, AND MANY OF THEM THINK THAT THEY ARE ALL THAT.

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