When It Comes To Dating, Everyone’s Playing The Game

May 24, 2010 4:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Jessica- Delaware g+ page

Most girls, when asked, will deny playing games when it comes to dating. We complain that guys are players and that we’re the innocent victims. But being more than a few years (and ice cream binges, and drunken cry sessions) into the dating world, I’m beginning to wonder….is dating itself just one big game, and are we all players?


By Jessica

Is there any girl out there who hasn’t waited a strategic amount of time to text back a guy they like? Who hasn’t flirted with someone else in front of him? Who hasn’t refrained from calling/texting/IMing because she didn’t want to seem desperate?

But where do we draw the line between seeming desperate and straight-up showing that you’re interested? It all gets very, very confusing, and that’s why I’m convinced dating is impossible without a little game-playing.

Think about it. When two people start hooking up or embark on a friends-with-benefits situation, neither is gonna blurt out everything on their mind. Those just aren’t the rules of the game. Actions speak louder than words, so we try to show, rather than say, what we feel. We consult their friends. We try to make them jealous. We primp for hours before running into them, only to play aloof and feign disinterest in our conversation. We’re anything but honest with each other, because we don’t want to seem vulnerable and risk getting hurt.

Just like in a real game, both parties want to have the upper-hand…and it gets complicated fast. In the beginning of a relationship, no one wants to ask the important questions about exclusivity and being “official,” so they play a little tug-of-war until one person caves.

I’ve even found that once you’re in a real relationship, the games don’t stop right away. You still play the who-calls-who first game, and the pretending-you’re-too-busy-for-a-date game, and every other game you deem necessary until you’re comfortable enough with each other to lay all your cards on the table.

Until, that is, one of you considers breaking up. Of course, you can’t tell the other party right away, so you play around to gauge their feelings on the situation. And then after the real breakup happens, it’s back to playing mind games every time you see each other.

We all claim to “hate the game,” but that’s just one big game, too. Let’s be real: we’re all just wishing we were better at it.

19 Comments on "When It Comes To Dating, Everyone’s Playing The Game"

  1. Cf says:
    Mon, 24th May 201011:20 am 

    I for one do not play games. Maybe I used to, but I have a low threshold for detecting this kind of stuff now. Perpetuating the game-theory has one drawback of late. Some people can't take a hint. They think we're playing a game when we're not. You saw "He's Just Not That Into You," right? You asked who hasn't done the things you mentioned early on in your post. I haven't.

    I used to think that silence and distance might be the cat and mouse stuff you described above. In the end, I was wrong about every single instance where I thought something existed between myself and another person. All of those things that were supposed to be flirts were not. Me = friend. Nothing more. Now I'm 31 and still single, looking back at an uneventful single life, only one love to speak of, both entertained and disgusted by the exchanges which took place.

    I'm not a game player. If a woman isn't going to be straight with me, I'm moving on. I have other things to do which are much more demanding. Good men are now jaded courtesy of the game.

    Once I'm in a relationship, I do not keep score. It's a bad first step towards losing trust and making demands. Keeping score and wondering who calls who lands you smack dab on a very obvious and self-deluding cliché. Actions speak louder than words. Makes sense, doesn't it? Sure it does. Unfortunately, it's a relationship killer. Doubt festers in such foolery. Honesty is the only way out. I have a lot of love to give, but trudging through this heap of game playing will do nothing but delay my ability to do so.

  2. marriagecoach1 says:
    Mon, 24th May 20102:33 pm 

    You could just choose to not play the game and be honest. If you are interested in a guy, tell him and show him without the games. Sure you can get rejected, but guys go through this all the time. Don't have sex until you are in a committed relationship. Let him know that you are interested and the wait for the sex will be worth it but hold out until there is a relationship.

    Every time you have sex with a guy that does not end in a relationship, it hardens you a lttle, you become less trusting. People have become far too promiscuous today. Sex is no longer an if but a when. It is little more than a good night kiss. It should mean more than that to you. If you put out too soon, the guy will move on because they are hard wired for the chase. When you don't make them wait they lose interest.

    Once you start having sex, give it all you have got. Give him every thing that he asks for in bed. The last thing that you want him thinking is that a previous lover was better in bed than you. Also wear lacy and frilly lingerie for the guy. Guys love this. Too many girls are wearing deadly dull white nylon panties with no lace and utilitarian bras with no lace. Men are visual creatures. Embrace your sexuality and give him what he wants. Wear a short skirt or dress for him and when he opens the car door make sure that he gets a nice peek up that skirt.

    Once dating, learn to find excuses to rub against him like a cat. When standing in line with him, stand close enough that your boob is pressing against the back of his arm. These are huge compliments for a guy and keeps him around and interested. Finally, a guy's number one need is respect. He needs this even more than he needs sex. Be his head cheerleader, not his critic in chief. Do these things and the games stop and happiness happens. He will treat you like a queen if you follow my directions.

    Blessings on you and yours

    John Wilder

  3. Miriam says:
    Mon, 24th May 20103:04 pm 

    Agreed with Cf. Besides, if you pretend to be too busy to go on dates with your boyfriend or girlfriend, I can't imagine they're going to be your boyfriend or girlfriend for much longer.

  4. brobot says:
    Mon, 24th May 20104:54 pm 

    Yeah Jessica, you're pretty much annoying to people who don't like that (most sane people over the age of 13)

  5. Hannah says:
    Mon, 24th May 20105:31 pm 

    This is so true. It's good to hear another girl admit to it. Anyone who has an insecurity and isn't quite sure of themselves plays games… be it subconsciously or intentionally, it happens. Not to mention anyone who is just plain mean, which is a trait that can be attributed to any gender.

    It's just so funny that when we girls do it, we rationalize it, and it's ok. We encourage each other to do it, to play for the upper hand… and we pat each other on the back for achieving it. But when guys do it, it's purposefully manipulative and the result of male chauvinism… and definitely not ok.

    Really we aren't that different from guys. The difference is that guys don't pretend their shit doesn't stink.

  6. Cheat Confeesion says:
    Mon, 24th May 20106:14 pm 

    People play games in relationships and that's all there is to it. Everybody wants the upper hand. They want to seem desirable but they don't want to seem desperate. Some games are unfair though. Just check out sites like http://www.cheatconfession.com to see some of the disgusting games that some people play with each other.

  7. criolle johnny says:
    Tue, 25th May 201012:16 am 

    Cf .. “Good men are now jaded courtesy of the game.”

    Agreed. Then some princess complains about your attitude.

    The problems with games is that they inhibit real communication.
    You play until you find a real person, they you’re so used to playing that you don’t know HOW to be serious.
    Then you hurt someone who “might have been”.

    Damn.

  8. Dani says:
    Tue, 25th May 201010:27 am 

    Very well said. I've always said that everyone plays the game, but no one wants to admit it.

  9. Lisa says:
    Tue, 25th May 20101:52 pm 

    To me, in order to 'play the game' you need to intentionally do things to manipulate. I've been straight up with my boyfriend since the day we met. he asked me out when we met, and i said yes, and we've told each other how we feel since day one, despite that we both fell in love so quickly it would have freaked a lot of people out…I just whole heartedly disagree to this. i've never delayed texting anyone to 'appear busier than i am' …I'd rather have a guy know who i was before we got into something than have him be like…wait…what's this…a few months in. To me, manipulations are a waste of time that go nowhere. And manipulations, are what 'the game' is.

  10. nessa says:
    Wed, 26th May 20109:33 am 

    I don't play the "game" its lame and too much of a headache.

    If I like a guy I tell him upfront. And sure I've rejected a few times and yes it hurts. BUT I get to move on, instead of waiting forever, and primping and acting like a stalker hoping to run into him.

    Sure I was single for two years of college, but I was living my life instead of having problems with the opposite sex. But now I have a great boy that pursued me 100%, we're both so honest with each other and we haven't had any complications.

    So just live, and if you're as great as you think you are, someone will take interest in you. (You might just have to wait a little) =)

  11. Karm says:
    Sat, 29th May 20103:42 pm 

    Hey Nessa, that's so cute what you said, your right, if your living your life and doing your own thing not caring about these stupid games then someone worthwhile will come along, that's my philosophy anyway. Its good to hear someone say it too :)

  12. gusy says:
    Sun, 30th May 20103:55 pm 

    All is fine, I guess except hurting other one's feelings big time, that ain't no game dear.

  13. sunnyfunny124 says:
    Thu, 9th Dec 20104:06 am 

    Ya, it takes time and energy to be a good player.

  14. 20somethinglifelove says:
    Mon, 22nd Aug 20111:51 pm 

    I have a blog about dating and one post in particular draws attention to game playing and the waiting game. Check it out and let me know what you think! http://20somethinglifelove.wordpress.com/2011/08/…

  15. Wesley says:
    Tue, 22nd May 20121:18 am 

    this video may be slowly paced, but should serve some interest in regards to this article.
    The thing is if you don't follow some of these 'game rules' girls tend to think of you as a beta male, and we know what you think of them.

Tell us what you're thinking...