[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to email@example.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]
My problem is that I’ve had a crush on this guy for about a year (I met him last June). The crush began because not only is he smart and funny but he would constantly say how beautiful I was and be very flirty. He then asked me to go to a concert with him while he was still dating this chick. I didn’t think anything of it because I got to know the girl and assumed he told her. This happened in August. Flash forward to December, he and this girl break up. At a Christmas party he and I eventually talk and I admit I am attracted to him. He then starts saying, verbatim, “I think you’re so beautiful and when I see you it takes everything in me to not grab you and kiss you.” He kisses me, then says “When I was with [girlfriend] I would think of you and when we broke up you were the first person I thought of. I want to be with you, but not now. I know what I’ve done in the past and you mean more to me then to just take you home and f**k. I respect you and adore you too much to waste you now. I want to come back to you.”
I then just nodded, said it’s fine, I understand, etc. I went for vacation till New Years when we ran each other again at a party. Long story short, I see him make out with another girl. A few days later at my birthday at a bar he is flirty again to me and puts his arms around me from behind. He is acting so lovey dovey that a few friends ask me if I’ve been keeping anything from them because it appears that this guy and I are much more. I end up talking to him and telling him he needs to stop because I saw him kiss that girl. He says she doesn’t mean anything and is just fun since he broke up with his ex. Since then he has come up behind me to hug me, kissed my neck, whispered sweet things in my ear, obviously checking me out, etc. I learned a few weeks ago he just started dating a new chick. I was upset because I have kind of been waiting for him (I know this is dumb). At a party 5 days ago we end up talking like friends about his new lady. He tells me she is being very possessive, doesn’t give him that “fluttering feeling,” and he thinks he wants to end things with her. Needless to say I am officially back to waiting.
My question is: As a guy, would you really not want to “waste” a girl if you thought you weren’t in the right dating mind? And do you think he is just keeping me on the backburner? Should I talk to him or just ignore all that he does?
Waiting in Line
Dear Waiting in Line,
I’m giving you an emotional economic stimulus plan. You’ve asked me 3 questions. You shall receive 4 answers. Prepare the way…
Would I keep the right one waiting? Hell no! It’s too risky to leave the right one hanging on for too long; odds are she’ll fall for someone else. There’s a saying: right girl, wrong time. Yeah, that can happen but usually you would at least try dating her before you discover the timing’s off. This guy has never even given you a chance. If you feel it, you act on it. You couldn’t hold back if you tried. The hope is all consuming. You’ve found the secret to happiness that you’d convinced yourself never existed. I’d never leave that lying in the bargain bin for later. If I care about someone, I’m going to show her.
Is he keeping you on the backburner? To quote the immortal Mr. Big, “abso*uckinglutely.” The only mystery is why. Perhaps he’s pushing you away because he is scared of commitment. Maybe he’s just keeping an option open. Although he could be still hung up on his ex and doesn’t want anything serious. The bottom line is that he’s leading you on. He’s got you following the carrot of “what could be” and you’re walking in circles of rejection. Two times he’s betrayed you (granted not like, Shakespeare betrayal, but sorta Gossip Girl betrayal). Fool you once, shame on him, fool you twice…? What do you do with such a one-note character?
Do you or don’t you? You can put him under the hot lights chained to a chair or move on to bigger biceps. The former could lead you to answers or more empty promises. The latter cuts your losses and pulls you out of the melancholy quicksand that is waiting for someone else to decide it’s time.
Final Thought: When taking stock of a situation follow the breadcrumbs with the most important rule of drama: Don’t tell, show. What’s actually happened? What’s he done to prove his affection for you? He talks, promises, praises, reassures, and blames the cruel healing process for a broken heart to why he can’t act on what he feels. What’s he done? Hooked up with someone else! He’s screwing SOMEONE ELSE! He’s DATING SOMEONE ELSE! Months have passed. Miles have been traveled. His heart’s had a chance to heal. Even if he’s pushing you away because he’s scared, he’s still pushing, you, away. Why put yourself through an emotional Hell, shut off the possibility of anyone else, and giving up all self-confidence to wait for something he can’t give? You’ve surrendered all control of the situation to this guy who’s left you high and dry. He’s a magician and you’re the sucker he’s sawing in half. You owe it to yourself to leave him on a backburner until he acts on the infatuation he’s claimed to be brimming over with. You deserve more than what he’s given you up to now. You deserve what he’s promised…from someone else.
Showing you the little man behind the curtain,
The Wizard of Dude