Columbia Valedictorian Not As Smart As We Expected

May 26, 2010     Posted in Buzz, News

When you think “Ivy League,” you probably picture stone walls and iron gates, clean-cut students in oxford shirts, aged professors expounding the theories of Pavlov and Plato.  You hold this sacred society of the intellectually elite to a higher set of standards than those porch-poopin’ sorority girls in Ohio.  And rightly you should.  The Ivies exist to make the rest of us feel that much stupider.  They’re traditionally the most selective universities in the country, accepting only the best this world has to offer in the form of eighteen-year-old guys and girls.


By Alex

I guess that explains why Brian Corman was accepted into Columbia University four years ago.

Clearly, the guy was an amazing student while at CU; after all, he graduated valedictorian of his class.  And as everyone who went to high school knows, what does the valedictorian do while wearing a funny square hat and a long robe?  No, I’m not referring to the first time Smarty McSmartypants got drunk.  I’m actually referring to graduation day and the epic, heartfelt, wisdom-filled speech that is delivered by the class’ Numero Uno.

To send off his fellow classmates and wish them well in the great beyond, Corman stole a slew of lines from comedian Patton Oswalt.  On the day Columbia was handing him his diploma, and over something as insignificant as a joke in a speech, he plagiarized.  Oh, Corman, say it ain’t so.

I hope you’re with me, intelligent readers, in assuming this isn’t the first time he brazenly claimed others’ work as his own.  This is simply the first time he got caught.

Now, I was never valedictorian, so I don’t know exactly how to stir sentimentality with life lessons, but hang with me for a second.  I’d like to offer dear Corman a little look at the bright, shining future he can expect now that he’s a known collegiate criminal.

1. Unemployment
If 1.6 million recent grads can’t find work, being widely known (thank you, Internet) as the Class of 2010’s premier idiot isn’t going to help you.  Time to change your name and see Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon for a new look.

2. Forget Grad School
Think you want to go to graduate school while the dust from this disaster settles?  I don’t even think the YMCA will trust you taking a spin class, so forget an institution of higher education allowing you in.

3. Politics?
Where those with a shady past can rise to even shadier greatness.

4. Joke Lessons
Brian, if you were funny on your own, none of this would have happened.  Maybe brush up on your knock-knocks and one day you can charm your way out of a jail sentence.

Now, who wouldn’t love to delve into Mr. Corman’s previous undergrad papers and find out how many times he really sidestepped his morals to “earn” an A?

14 Comments on "Columbia Valedictorian Not As Smart As We Expected"

  1. Marcus says:
    Wed, 26th May 201011:17 am 

    wow, this is an unnecessarily mean article. The dude made a stupid but small mistake, and you made it into an indictment of his entire character. Seems a bit harsh…

  2. JennyJames says:
    Wed, 26th May 201011:29 am 

    Yeah I agree with Marcus, the author comes across as bitter and bitchy! Come on it's only a speach that's meant to entertain your contemporaries and their folks, it's not like he plagerised anything that actually matters and there's no reason to assume he would. It was an error of judgement, everyone makes them, sounds like sour grapes that the author didn't get into a better collage.

  3. Alessandria says:
    Wed, 26th May 201012:47 pm 

    Didn't he just forget to quote? This doesn't necessarily make him a serial plagiarizer although, he may be one. You don't know, neither do we, so what's with the bitterness?

  4. Jess says:
    Wed, 26th May 20101:04 pm 

    "The Ivies exist to make the rest of us feel that much stupider"

    Using the word "stupder" is incorrect. I'm not sure if you were going for irony…?

  5. Angeline says:
    Wed, 26th May 20101:25 pm 

    Maybe she didn't get into an Ivy League school and she can't get over it?

  6. wasagoodday says:
    Wed, 26th May 20102:04 pm 

    just fyi… he was graduating from columbia's school of general studies, a school for students that are older or have "more life experience" then the typical undergraduate. it was founded to educate vets returning from WWII. he was only the valedictorian of this school's graduating class. therefore, he is not really representative of the entire "Columbia University," as is cited here. Columbia University includes 4 different undergraduate schools and 18 (affiliated included) graduate schools) the main (largest) undergraduate school is called columbia college.

  7. Jess says:
    Wed, 26th May 20102:10 pm 

    Oops, I'd like to point out the typo when I went to put "stupider" I put "stupder"! Sorry guys. Oh the irony…

  8. RIKO says:
    Wed, 26th May 20102:40 pm 

    someone's bitter. this was unnecessarily mean spirited and just as unfunny as I'm sure this boy's speech was

  9. caitlin says:
    Wed, 26th May 20104:12 pm 

    Maybe unnecessarily mean, but for the person who thinks he "just forgot to quote" look this kid up on youtube, his speech is word for word from the comedians act.

  10. Violet says:
    Wed, 26th May 20107:23 pm 

    Wow. lol. Someone's bitter. Transparently so.

    Plagiarism is bad, but it's not an indictment about his work or his intelligence. It was poor judgment, so maybe it casts doubt on his character, but again I don't see it as a big deal because it was a graduation speech, but some big conference or something.

    The Ivy league isn't everything. It's nice, but there's tons of other great schools. No reason to be hatin'.

  11. Violet says:
    Wed, 26th May 20107:24 pm 

    correction to above comment

    but *not* some big conference or something.

  12. Renee says:
    Wed, 26th May 20108:23 pm 

    Better to be "stupider" than be a bitch.

    Just saying, Alex.

  13. CU2010Alum says:
    Thu, 27th May 20102:56 pm 

    Just a little info about Columbia University- the "School of General Studies" is for students who didn't take a "traditional" path to a college graduation. They may have never started college after graduating high school, started some school but never finished, etc. The requirements for getting in are not the same as regular undergrads (with the ~11% acceptance rate). Alums of the program include Kelly Bensimon (of the Real Housewives of NYC); anyone whose seen the show on Bravo knows how stupid she is. Brian Corman is not representative of the rest of the University; in my four years at CU, the "GS" people were a joke to all the rest of the Columbia undergrads for their stupidity. Not surprising he stole for his speech.

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