5 Reasons You’ll Want to Die This Memorial Day

With the exception of Arbor Day, there is no “wait, what is this holiday about” holiday more dangerous than Memorial Day. Sure Columbus Day has its controversial discussions about killing Native Americans and St. Patrick’s day has its suspicious green beer, but neither come close to the madness that is this 3-day weekend.

By Candy

Think you’ll survive it? Think again.

1. Warm Pasta Salad – Unless you have concrete evidence the dish doesn’t contain mayonnaise then don’t take the risk. One bite of Aunt Sarah’s famous Mayo-and-Bacon pasta salad that’s been baking in the sun for 6+ hours will lead to one long trip to the toilet. Forget making an appearance at your best friend’s pool party. You’ll be lucky to make an appearance outside of the bathroom.

2. White Pants Stains – Every fashion magazine pushes white pants for summer… and every television sitcom warns us about the hazards of wearing ‘em. You’re asking for grass stains, ketchup spills, or worse, the dreaded period stain. Because your body is the ultimate prankster when it comes to making sure that you get your usually regular period at the worst times ever.

3. Family Members Speaking Aloud – Hypothetically, it’s a wonderful idea to gather the family together for the annual Memorial Day barbecue. In reality you spend the whole time chocking on mini hot dogs because you’re so shocked by the fact that your grandmother thought it was appropriate to ask if you think oral sex is not real sex.

4. Bikini Body – Sure, in a post-body-image-matters-world we would all throw on our bikinis regardless of what we look like. But we’re living in an age when we’re all supposed have the body of Dakota Fanning circa 1997. Nothing’s more disappointing than looking in the mirror in your string bikini and realizing that you never got around to getting those rock-hard abs that Cosmo promised you could get in 3 days or less (food optional).

5. Sunburn –  Odds are your skin hasn’t seen sun since last August and you’re whiter than Casper’s albino cousin. No better opportunity to fall asleep in the sun for 8 hours, right? Wrong. Unless you’re soaking in a vat of SPF 500, you’re going to fry and get weird tan lines and spend the rest of the summer wearing long sleeves to the beach and zinc oxide on your nose.