Tuffy Luv Sez: Don’t Be Stupid, Stupid Heart

June 1, 2010 1:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Tuffy Luv g+ page


By Tuffy Luv

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Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two and a half years and although I don’t really believe in soulmates, I can honestly claim that he is mine. I try to think reasonably and tell myself that this can’t be real love but after all this time I still believe that there will never be anyone as right for me as him and that he is the man I want to have a life with.

I never wanted anything serious with the guy. I was only turning seventeen when we started going out and never expected for the whole thing to go so well. Even though I noticed that I had a connection with him that I’ve never had with other guys, I always thought that we could break up over some stupid thing I never thought ahead as far as our relationship went. But then came the “I love you” and the first time (for the both of us) and we got accepted into the same college and things kinda got serious. Those were the happiest two years of my life – we have never had big fights, only insignificant quarrels and I can’t see a single thing about him that would drive me away. Now he wants us to move in together next semester and I realize that I want to live with him, too.

There’s just one problem. I used to be a real shut-in in high school and didn’t really get around as much as others my age. I only ever had one boyfriend before him and am not exactly very experienced in these kinds of things. Now that I’m in college and I’m a lot more outgoing, adventurous and, well, hotter than I used to be, I find myself wishing I was single just so I could try all this stuff college girls do – go on dates, have one-night stands, you know, things like that. I’m just a huge romantic and I used to dream of exploring new emotions and having a little drama in my life, because that’s what college is, right? I feel like if I stay with my boyfriend, I will grow into an old woman years before other girls my age and will always wonder what life would have been like if I had broken up with him.

I guess in this particular case it really isn’t him; it’s me that’s the problem. I just don’t want to lose the nicest, smartest guy I know who happens to adore me but I’m afraid after a couple of years I might start hating him for making me lose the best years of my life. If there is such a possibility, should I risk it and end it now, or should I leave things the way they are now?

Sincerely,
Stupid Heart

Dear Stupid Heart,
Tricky question, honey. Very tricky question.

On the one hand, you are, in fact, quite young. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to date around. And, yeah, if you feel hotter, I can definitely see how you’d want to get to try that shiz out! Who doesn’t want a bunch of adoring fans, especially after a less-than-boyful youth?

But, I gotta tell you, I don’t think it’s the right choice.

You seem to love this guy. A lot. And it sounds like he loves you. Do you know how unusual that is, how hard it is to find someone you really truly connect with and love and still get along with?! I get a lot of questions every week, Stupid Heart. VERY few of them are about girls who are happy with their guys.

If I were you, I would stay with this guy. I’d just stay with him and see if it continues to work out, since, so far, so good. But, of course, I’m not you. So if you really find yourself thinking about dating other men, that’s reasonable. Like I said, you’re very young.

About the moving in–I vote wait. After all, you’re considering breaking up with the guy. What if you move in and THEN decide to break up? Certainly doable, but considerably less easy. I’d wait it out until you’re absolutely sure of your feelings.

Still. I gotta say. If you break up with this guy for no reason other than to test the waters, I think you’ll regret it. If you get bored with him or if things stop working out, let it end organically. Otherwise, save yourself the heartache and be with the man you love. I mean, in your own words, you say that “although I don’t really believe in soulmates, I can honestly claim that he is mine.” Stupid Heart, come on.  It really doesn’t get much better than that.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

8 Comments on "Tuffy Luv Sez: Don’t Be Stupid, Stupid Heart"

  1. Jeff says:
    Tue, 1st Jun 20108:59 am 

    Don't do it. I did this with my girlfriend my freshman year of college. We had been together three years, she was the second person I ever dated, and I still regret it sometimes 2 years later now. I've dated other people since but never felt the same connection with anyone else. Cheap sex and dating can just become hollow reminders of what you used to have.

  2. Alessandria says:
    Tue, 1st Jun 20101:04 pm 

    I was considering taking a break from my boyfriend, because he's going off to college and I'm only going to be a senior next year, but I feel the same connection with him that she felt with him. And, we just had a really long talk about it, and our conclusion was that we love each other so much there isn't a point in taking a break. If he/I end up finding someone else, then that's that. But as of now, as Tuffy Luv said, we love each other like nothing else, and it would just be illogical to separate. I'm with you Tuffy Luv!

  3. Sarah says:
    Tue, 1st Jun 20105:53 pm 

    Don't do the break. That was the worst choice I've ever made. I regret it to this day, a good five years later, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

  4. Julia says:
    Tue, 1st Jun 201011:11 pm 

    I'm going to disagree – resentment is a relationship killer, and if you feel like you're giving something up to be with him, that's the feeling I think is most likely to start growing. And then, sooner or later, that feeling will drive you apart. And what if it happens later, once you've already graduated? Yeah, there's dating and casual sex outside of college, obviously, but there really is no time like college for exploring yourself and your relational and sexual desires.

    I say this coming from the opposite experience of the above commenters – I was in a very serious relationship during my first year of college, having had only one girlfriend prior, when I began to feel the same way you do, Stupid Heart. It caused me so much guilt and grief, I felt so selfish and stupid, like I'd be throwing away something great for no real reason at all. But it is a real reason – you have had hardly any time to figure out who you are, as a person, on your own, and in relation to different kinds of people, and feeling the need to do that is completely valid. I eventually did break up with her, and I have never regretted it. The time since then, being single, bonding more closely with friends, hooking up, developing a sense of who I am along with strong self love and confidence, I would not trade that to have kept her in my life.

    And now? Now I've been in a new relationship for about six months. Still too new to say much about it, but I do feel that this one is much better and healthier than any ones I'd had before. I'm more assertive, emotionally stable, and relaxed. I understand myself much better now and I think that's invaluable to creating a happy relationship with someone else. So! I say that while it really is up to you to decide, and it may be the better choice for you not to break up, I think if you are having doubts right now, that might be a pretty strong indication that some time alone may be just what you need.

  5. Anthony says:
    Wed, 2nd Jun 20104:47 am 

    i'm a dude and i went thru this same thing. I think you if you are seriously considering breaking up then u should do it. you shouldnt continue a relationship if u have that kind of doubt, you are gonna make it a lot harder on you and your boyfriend. you may end up regretting it but that is what life is about, you gotta make a decision, you could also end up regretting not leaving and get stuck in a relationship that you arent sure about which sucks reallyyyyyyy bad. i hope you figure it out

  6. Sarah says:
    Wed, 2nd Jun 20108:13 pm 

    Don't do it!!!! I just finished my freshman year of college and I was talking to a senior in my sorority because I felt the same way. (I am dating a boy who I met here, love him to death, but sometimes feel like I am missing out!). She met her boyfriend her freshman year of college and they just got engaged. She explained to me how she broke up with him for a bit her sophomore year to "find herself and experience other guys" and she was miserable. It's like she realized that yeah, she could hookup with whoever, but none of those guys would love her or adore her like her soon-to-be-husband would. Luckily they got to patch things up and get back together, but it really is not worth it to break up. Yeah a hookup with a new guy might be super exciting, but you will never find the same comfort with that one night stand guy, that you do with your current boyfriend. Plus, all the sluts who are like "wooo party!!" and will be hooking up with people til their junior year, will be jealous of girls like you, who actually have a guy who CARES about them. This guy sounds like a keeper. You stick with yours and I'll stick with mine.

  7. molly says:
    Thu, 3rd Jun 20109:50 pm 

    reading this was like reading my own diary….wow.

    All I can say to you is, don't break up bc you anticipate breaking up. If you are meant to break up, that will happen. But don't break bc you think you might one day.

    I think I still love my bf that I broke up with, but I've had other relationships that have been great too, and I feel like I've found out so much about who I am.

    Good luck, I don't envy your situation, I've been there, and it was hard.'

  8. Abby says:
    Sun, 6th Jun 20105:44 am 

    This is almost exactly what happened to me. My boyfriend was my first, we started dating at 16, and I never expected for us to go as far as we did. We went to the same college, and everything was perfect, until I started feeling exactly as you are. I felt like since I had never dated anyone else, it was stupid for me to stay with him for my whole life. we broke up and stayed apart all year. I never found anyone I could see myself with because I was still so in love with my ex. Then he started dating. It broke my heart. Even though I had wanted to date other people, seeing him with someone else was the most terrible thing I've ever been through. He eventually broke up with her because he still had feelings for me too. We're trying to work through it now, but it's defnitely been really difficult.

    Everyone is telling you not to break up, and on one hand I agree, you risk ruining something that you love more than anything else. But on the other hand, if I had never almost lost my guy, I never would have been so happy with being together. I always would have wanted to know. Now I know, and I KNOW that I want to be with him.

    Talk to him about it, let him know exactly how you feel. There's a good possibility he will wait on you to figure it out, but there's also a good possibility that in his hurt he'll find someone else. If you do decide to take a break, don't take forever. Don't assume you can go through all of college and date around and expect to be able to go back to how it was. But only you will know what's right for you, nobody can tell you what to do.

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