Ask a Dude: Is There Something Better Out There?

By The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just shy of two years now, and I know that I love him, but I have a slight underlying urge that I am missing out on something because I am so young. I would never cheat, and never have, and we have no prospects of breaking up. I basically know we’ll be together through the rest of high school, and chances are that we will go to the same college (majority of graduates from my high school go to this one college). So I guess what I’m asking is, is this even a healthy relationship/is it normal to feel stuck in a long term relationship?

Sincerely,
Stuck

P.S. He is always good to me, we never fight and there has never been any sort of a abuse or pressure.

Dear Stuck,

There’s a question that plagues us, worse yet, sometimes it’s a question that we create for ourselves: Is there something better out there?

You’re with this guy for 2 years, you’re still in high school, and you can’t quite yet imagine what else is out there. However, you know that there’s a LOT else out there. College is a major stumbling block for relationships.  After high school comes, often but not always, a major time of transition. In fact, every damn year between 14 and 23 is a time of transition! You’ll change. You’ll want to try new things, explore new hobbies (like binge drinking, beer pong, and yoga), and meet a lot of different people (like bisexual vegans who refuse to bathe and make chandeliers out of chicken bones…you know who you are Bone Collector!). At 16, 18, 21, and 22 you’ll feel alternately like you have all the answers but endless questions.

Stuck, your relationship sounds ridiculously healthy. Sad truth: Sometimes, that’s the scariest freaking kind to be in!

When there isn’t a conflict, there’s a kind of person who feels the need to create one. Generally this is the kind of person who finds it difficult to trust, is very disciplined, an over planner, and exhibits psychotic ambition (“What are we going to do tonight, Brain?” “The same thing we do every night, Pinky: Try to take over the world!”).  The thought process goes something like this: “Everything’s great with him, shouldn’t there be some flaw? Shouldn’t something go wrong and threaten all this?”

Answer: yes and no. Good thing for you chaos addicted overachievers out there: Conflict is inevitable. People change. People grow.  A relationship involves two people on two journeys; sometimes they’ll travel side by side and other times they’ll look like they’re running away from each other. Eventually, you’ll try and pull each other back closer and that’ll create conflict. Other times your partner will ask you to make sacrifices or you’ll make sacrifices that you don’t feel are appreciated and that will create conflict. Life will throw boulders at love.

There’s no reason to create one in your mind with “what ifs?”

Look, Stuck, if these doubts are because you feel like the two of you are really growing apart or that something’s missing, then talk to your boy. Ask him if he’s feeling the same way and ask him where he sees the future of your relationship. If, on the other hand, this is coming out of a place of insecurity because you’re scared that two years from now he’s going to change and leave you, then let go of your fear. A long-term loving relationship is a leap of faith. You’ve got to trust each other that when life throws those boulders at your bond you’re going to outmaneuver them together. Bottom line: you’re thinking further ahead than you can possibly see.

Would college end you? Maybe. Would you meet someone else that you’d be happier with? Who knows? If you’re not happy now then move on but don’t act in some kind of preemptive strike against heartbreak and pain. Love him today if you do and believe he loves you. Enjoy what you have because most people stick themselves in relationships that sound far worse than yours: passionless, convenient unions forged out of self-doubt and codependence.

Parting question: Are you scared of being unhappy years later in life, far beyond what you could possibly control, or are you unhappy now?

Reality checking,
The Dude