I just finished my freshman year of college and I have never had a boyfriend. In fact, the most experience I have sexually is making out. This is not due to religious beliefs, being a prude, or anything like that. I went to an all girls school on the west coast since kindergarten, and I was just so busy all the time, I never really had the chance to start a relationship. My problem is that I really want to be more experienced. I don’t even want to think about how depressing it will be if I go into my junior year still a virgin. I at the very least don’t want to go through much more of college having never given a blow job. The thing is, I am nervous. Not nervous like I don’t really want to, but nervous that I will be so awful I won’t even be able to get him off. Any tips for the first time dabbling in oral sex? Or “manual sex”? I am freaking out here.
My first sex question! Someone wants MY advice? Sweeeeeeet!
Well, first off, I feel obligated to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. It’s something that just hasn’t happened for you yet, and that’s fine… so I’m hoping you’re not feeling too badly about it. That said, I understand that you just want to go for it. My advice? Watch lots of porn. I’m sure you’re smart enough to realize that sex isn’t going to be the way it looks on screen, but you can get a general idea of how things are done (I’ve had friends who’ve had girls just put it in their mouths and sit there… don’t do that).
If I were you, I’d put my energy into looking for a guy I could have a relationship with instead of just someone to have sex with. Not that there’s anything wrong with just having sex, but being in some kind of a relationship with the person is going to a) make you a lot less likely to regret anything, and b) make you feel more comfortable explaining that hey, you don’t have a lot of experience, but you really want to try this out so maybe be could talk you through it. One thing I wish I had been told is that a guy won’t always finish every single time — if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen, and try not to take it too personally.
As for the HJs, try it out and see if it’s something you’re interested in. They can be kind of awkward, even for the most experienced, and you might decide that you’d rather move on to other things.
Try not to stress too much. It’ll all happen in time, don’t worry. Get out and meet people – meet guys – and eventually you will find one that’s worth experiencing this with you. For now, I’m going to refer you to some good books that might be able to make you feel a bit more comfortable and a bit less nervous about doin’ it. And these aren’t just for our dear friend who reached out above; everyone can stand to learn a few new things in the bedroom and I’ve found these guides are the best ones to turn to whether you’re looking for new techniques or new ideas to spice things up.
Sex For Dummies — My high school boyfriend bought this as a joke, and it ended up being both funny and informative. It’s co-written by Dr. Ruth, which makes it extra great.
Real Sex for Real Women — Dr. Laura Berman, a fantastic sex therapist, wrote this one (you may have seen her on a little show called Oprah), and she really breaks down sex from a woman’s perspective.
The Joy of Sex — An oldie but a goodie, this book has been helping people since the ’70s. I’ve seen it received at many-a-wedding-shower, and I’m sure many clueless virginal newlyweds took to studying this one before their wedding night. Might just be worth checking out.
Good Sex: A Woman’s Guide to Losing Inhibition — When it comes to being inexperienced, it’s normal to be nervous about not knowing quite what to do when the moment to get naked comes. This book breaks down why women are self conscious about the things we’re self conscious about in bed. Seems like it could be a good one for figuring out why we feel the way we feel and how to stop feeling that way.