Running Out of Boyfriend Options
Since my high school boyfriend and I broke up halfway through my senior year, my love life has taken a slide down the tubes. Freshman year of college, every guy I liked turned out to be gay. Sophomore year, they all had girlfriends – with whom I’d inevitably become friends. And junior year, well, I guess it can count as an improvement… if being led on with dining hall dates one semester and having my first (sort of) one night stand (followed by long-term drama) the next semester can be considered an improvement.
Over the past three years, I’ve simply gone from one disappointment to another – and it’s not for lack of trying. Thanks to my double major and my minor, jobs in three different departments, nine student activities, conferences, meetings, competitions, community service projects, and campus events, I’ve met more people than I can fully express. Not to mention going out dancing, the dorms, friends, and other random ways of meeting people. I’ve met undergrads from nearly every department and school on campus, grad students, medical students, MBAs, law students, students from neighboring schools, and people who are already out of school.
And yet, for all the things I do, for all the people I meet, all I have to show from the past three years is a string of stalkers and a guy who let his frat brother hit on me while we were on a date.
One of my friends speculated that the reason I haven’t found anyone yet is because I’m too involved, but I really don’t think that’s the case. I love being active and social, and I’d never change that about myself. Plus, I commit myself to everything I do, so when I’m working on one activity or class or job, that’s what I’m working on. But, even more to the point, I haven’t even met anyone that I really feel connected to either. I flirt, I develop attractions, sure, but no one has really made an impression. And, let’s face it, since I’m going into my senior year, there aren’t many new opportunities about to arise at this point.
For a single, outgoing twenty-one year old, I feel like I’m severely lacking in options.
I mean, I suppose I’m being overly dramatic. I have options, sort of. Like any of the creepy stalkers I’ve accumulated over the years. Or the one-night stand guy, who said he was interested in just having fun if I ever changed my mind about wanting a relationship. Or either of the two guys I spent the end of the past semester flirting with, if we ignore the fact that one also flirted with a good friend of mine just as much and the other just graduated and is going to med school in a state far from both where I live and where I go to school.
It just feels like it should be different than this. Despite the stress of this last semester, I’ve never felt better about myself; I’m more directed, more comfortable with myself, and I’ve even started to stop hating my body and appearance as much (thanks in large part to a bit of a weight loss since high school and some major toning and confidence-building from dance). I’m more confident about myself, and I’m more open in dealing with guys.
So why do I feel like nothing has really changed for me? Why am I still sitting alone, envious of my friends, getting closer and closer to an ill-advised random hook-up (ill-advised because I know I don’t want it and will hate myself for it later) or viewing my ex as my best option for anything?
And where can I look now? It’s not like joining six more clubs will make a difference, nor will taking classes in another department. It hasn’t worked for the past three years, it’s not going to work now. I’m just so fed up with being alone; I’ve spent most of my undergraduate experience that way, and I’m tired of feeling stuck in the same rut.
After three years, can’t SOMEONE come along?