Running Out of Boyfriend Options

June 8, 2010 3:00 pm     Posted in Relationships  Rachael- University of Miami g+ page


By Rachael

Since my high school boyfriend and I broke up halfway through my senior year, my love life has taken a slide down the tubes. Freshman year of college, every guy I liked turned out to be gay. Sophomore year, they all had girlfriends – with whom I’d inevitably become friends. And junior year, well, I guess it can count as an improvement… if being led on with dining hall dates one semester and having my first (sort of) one night stand (followed by long-term drama) the next semester can be considered an improvement.

Over the past three years, I’ve simply gone from one disappointment to another – and it’s not for lack of trying. Thanks to my double major and my minor, jobs in three different departments, nine student activities, conferences, meetings, competitions, community service projects, and campus events, I’ve met more people than I can fully express. Not to mention going out dancing, the dorms, friends, and other random ways of meeting people. I’ve met undergrads from nearly every department and school on campus, grad students, medical students, MBAs, law students, students from neighboring schools, and people who are already out of school.

And yet, for all the things I do, for all the people I meet, all I have to show from the past three years is a string of stalkers and a guy who let his frat brother hit on me while we were on a date.

One of my friends speculated that the reason I haven’t found anyone yet is because I’m too involved, but I really don’t think that’s the case. I love being active and social, and I’d never change that about myself. Plus, I commit myself to everything I do, so when I’m working on one activity or class or job, that’s what I’m working on. But, even more to the point, I haven’t even met anyone that I really feel connected to either. I flirt, I develop attractions, sure, but no one has really made an impression. And, let’s face it, since I’m going into my senior year, there aren’t many new opportunities about to arise at this point.

For a single, outgoing twenty-one year old, I feel like I’m severely lacking in options.

I mean, I suppose I’m being overly dramatic. I have options, sort of. Like any of the creepy stalkers I’ve accumulated over the years. Or the one-night stand guy, who said he was interested in just having fun if I ever changed my mind about wanting a relationship. Or either of the two guys I spent the end of the past semester flirting with, if we ignore the fact that one also flirted with a good friend of mine just as much and the other just graduated and is going to med school in a state far from both where I live and where I go to school.

Sigh.

It just feels like it should be different than this. Despite the stress of this last semester, I’ve never felt better about myself; I’m more directed, more comfortable with myself, and I’ve even started to stop hating my body and appearance as much (thanks in large part to a bit of a weight loss since high school and some major toning and confidence-building from dance). I’m more confident about myself, and I’m more open in dealing with guys.

So why do I feel like nothing has really changed for me? Why am I still sitting alone, envious of my friends, getting closer and closer to an ill-advised random hook-up (ill-advised because I know I don’t want it and will hate myself for it later) or viewing my ex as my best option for anything?

And where can I look now? It’s not like joining six more clubs will make a difference, nor will taking classes in another department. It hasn’t worked for the past three years, it’s not going to work now. I’m just so fed up with being alone; I’ve spent most of my undergraduate experience that way, and I’m tired of feeling stuck in the same rut.

After three years, can’t SOMEONE come along?

20 Comments on "Running Out of Boyfriend Options"

  1. Belle says:
    Tue, 8th Jun 201010:15 am 

    Ohmigod yes! This is exactly how I feel! I date more than anyone I know but haven't felt really connected to anyone since my serious ex and I ended nearly 3 years ago (and that includes two 4 month "relationships" and one 6 month one). While I obviously can't give you any advice (since I myself clearly suck at this) it is nice to feel like I'm not the only one out there. So good luck and I'm certain you'll find who you're looking for soon (isn't it so much easier to believe that about someone else:)

  2. CB says:
    Tue, 8th Jun 201012:04 pm 

    I met my bf of almost two years online. It was a different experience since everyone there was looking for the same thing. Yes,I was involved in HS and college, but the groups were focused on activities or had a specific goal in mind, not the ideal situation to meet someone to date.

  3. Janelle says:
    Tue, 8th Jun 20101:18 pm 

    I'm with you. I've been in college for four years now and no one has come along!!! I've had all the same experiences minus the guys being gay and I'm just wondering when someone relationship worthy will come along.

  4. JL says:
    Tue, 8th Jun 20102:30 pm 

    I know exactly how you feel. I've been single for the past 2 years and I never had a relationship last me more than 3 months. I consider myself to be a good catch (pretty, smart, responsible, etc) but I just haven't found someone who I like enough to be in a relationship with (or I would have hookups that lead nowhere). I don't have one night stands and I hardly hook-up so it's not a matter of being "too easy." I also commute to school so that also kills my game. I hate when people say "You'll find him when you least expect it!" How can you find anyone when most guys are not mature enough to be in a relationship?! At this point I'm (sorta) okay with being single and I am just focusing on school and my internship/job until a guy finds me (or until some guy decides to grow up and decide to ask me out on a date!).

  5. Emily says:
    Tue, 8th Jun 20105:58 pm 

    I'm going into my super senior year and have spent pretty much all of college in the same situation your in. I've even had the awkward one night stand that haunted me for a year after! A few months ago while reflecting on this very dilemma I discovered two things: 1) In the back of my head I always thought I would have a serious boyfriend in college, my parents are college sweethearts and as stupid as it sounds I truly believed I would follow in their footsteps, maybe not meeting "the one" but someone at least. 2) He's not here, I've been in the same town for four years, dating what feels like the same guy over and over again. Once I decided he isn't here, and he won't be apart of this particular phase in my life it took a lot of pressure off myself. Enjoy being single, and think about it this way, these are YOUR years, no one else's you get to do what you want without attachment, just think that you'll have this time to really be alone and enjoy the things you like, once a guy comes along you can't be quite as selfish ;)

  6. Johnnie says:
    Wed, 9th Jun 20107:58 am 

    Women, all the power in the dating game and all you can do is complain and wait for prince charming. You get no sympathy from me. "CB" is right.

  7. Nikki says:
    Wed, 9th Jun 20109:58 am 

    Rachael, you need to take a step back and read what you wrote again. You sound pathetic. What is with girls and this desperate desire to have a boyfriend? You are clearly a smart and independent woman, so why do you feel like your life is incomplete without a guy? You're only 21, you should be alone. You have better things to do than worry about guys.

    Johnnie is right. Desperation will never get sympathy, especially from guys. You don't even deserve a boyfriend until you realize that you don't need one. Why can't you be happy and fulfilled with your life as it is? You have everything you should and you've worked hard for it.

  8. belle says:
    Wed, 9th Jun 20104:50 pm 

    nikki, while i totally agree with your point that it's kind of pathetic for girls to want a boyfriend, any boyfriend, just to be with someone, i also think it's completely normal to want to find love. being in love is amazing, who wouldn't want to find someone they were that connected to? there's also no reason that being with someone should detract from being that smart and independent woman you rightfully respect. you can have both.

  9. Sarah says:
    Mon, 14th Jun 20108:50 am 

    I think a big problem most people have with not being able to find someone that you make a connection with and have a potential relationship with is because you're being too picky. I met my boyfriend about five years ago and he was no where near on my radar. I never looked at him that way until one night we sat and talked and realized that we were compatible and wanted to be together, granted a bit of alcohol was involved, but we're still together eight months later and i'm so happy. Instead of focusing on finding a boyfriend and trying to pick a potential one out of a group of guys you know, just keep an open mind and give everyone a chance. The one you would have never even thought about that way may be worth your while.

  10. sarah says:
    Thu, 17th Jun 20106:08 pm 

    I have been single my whole life, I am 20 years old and recently I have realized how much I would like someone. my friends all have boyfriends and it makes me sad when all my roommates go out with their bf's and I am alone on the couch, I wish just one time I could be the one going out. I am sick of hearing that the guy is going to come to me and how I should just wait…I have been waiting for 20 years..I am sick of it!

  11. Jackelyn - San Franc says:
    Sat, 19th Jun 201012:07 am 

    I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE! i just can't. you took the words out of my mouth and put it into a CC blog. amazing…simply amazing. i don't know when i'll find a boyfriend (hoping it's soon). and you're right, after all this time, we're just left with a string of creepy stalkers. sigh. we could talk on the phone about this for hours. seriously.

  12. G says:
    Mon, 21st Jun 20107:16 pm 

    omg you are LIVING MY LIFE. it sucks right?

  13. mo says:
    Tue, 22nd Jun 20104:17 pm 

    you guys all suck. it's not that there aren't any good men left, it's that you aren't good enough for them.

  14. N says:
    Thu, 24th Jun 20108:02 am 

    I just stick to the same one. Whether that's a good thing or not, I can't really say.

  15. Mel says:
    Thu, 24th Jun 201010:15 am 

    I, personally, am gonna have to agree with Nikki. But don't misunderstand: it isn't "pathetic" to want to date someone; not at all. It's just pathetic that you are not content with your life without a boyfriend. You (as in the writer and all of the girls posting, saying that they are in the writer's shoes as well) need to come to terms with who you are; you need to accept yourself (flaws and all) first before you should jump on the relationship bandwagon.

    I, too, am a 21 year old college student going into my fourth year. I was also involved in a lot of clubs and such (though I did drop a few because I find the club I am president of is very time consuming) , but the difference between you and me is that I'm comfortable where I am and I am not looking for a relationship–I'm just letting things happen.

    I can't help but to think that the problem is the fact that you are LOOKING for a relationship. And because you're looking for one, you're trying to make things happen, whether you like the guy or not. My personal advice to you: stop trying to make things happen. You're still in college and (obviously) have a lot going on in your life (what with everything you're involved in)–stay focused on those things in your life and become content with the the things that you have. And once you're content with that, I hold the belief that you'll find the relationship that you want.

  16. M says:
    Thu, 24th Jun 20108:04 pm 

    This post is disgusting. First of all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to find love and a good relationship and all that…but you have to be on that level to even have a good relationship. To all of the girls that "date" so much or know so many guys:

    1) standards too high

    2) a boy has to fit a certain cookie-cutter image for you to like him

    3) you like the wrong kind of guys

    You need time to get to know guys instead of just meeting them or having impersonal conversations.

    Most members of the opposite sex want a nice girl who they can fully trust, actually wants to get to know THEM, and rocks their world. If those 3 aren't there you can't fake it:/

  17. M says:
    Sun, 27th Jun 201012:36 pm 

    Student orgs, work, and school. You're out of options because most smart, attractive, and responsible people don't mix work and play. If you're looking for romance, I think you *might* want to try some of those crazy ill-advised hookups that you haven't ventured into. We can all try to reason what MAY happen after, but you never know until you try right?

    You seem capable, confident, and smart. Gather guts to tell those stalkers to go away, forget they even existed in the first place, and go find people you genuinely like!

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