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So I kind of have this thing where I don’t like to sleep with guys unless I’m in a relationship. Let me preface this by saying I have no problem messing around and hooking up, making out, and so on, with random guys until a relationship comes into the picture. Here’s my problem: after 5 or 10 minutes of hooking up I always end up just bailing on the guy and making some lame excuse to leave. I can’t tell whether or not it’s me just being bored of kissing and frustrated that I wont be having sex, or me being insecure that all he really wants to do is have sex and I know I won’t be giving that to him so what’s the point of continuing to make out? Won’t it just bore him or be a tease?
Is it wrong for me to assume that the guy is only interested in sex and wants me to do more than kissing? What should I do? Should I just stick it out and make out for half an hour or am I just being a tease? Any tips?
–Frustrated with Foreplay
Dear Frustrated with Foreplay,
In the immortal words of Cher, spoken after slapping Nicolas Cage (if only she had done it 10,000 more times since): “Snap out of it!”
Of course the guy wants to do more than just make out. When you’re heating up the couch with a game of tonsil hockey then one or both of you will want to see how far you can go. If you see making out as the only item on the agenda and don’t want to blue ball him or yourself (whatever the female equivalent for blue ball is, little terminology help, ladies?) then stopping is appropriate.
Teasing is a sticky area with a lot of guys. We hate it. We really hate it. Like, Israeli-Palestinian, Yankees-Red Sox, Blair-Georgina hate. We’d rather have swollen testicles from a David Beckham punt. What you’re doing isn’t really teasing. In fact, it’s merciful compared to some. If you had your hand down his pants and decided mid-stroke that you needed to go home and feed your cat that would be teasing. Saying goodnight after a few minutes of lip locking is reasonable.
Making out is like trying a sample. You want to see if you’re sexually compatible. If you are and you feel comfortable rounding the bases then swing away. On the other hand, if you like what you’re getting but want to take it slower, then stopping things before they go too far is better for all involved. Of course he could be licking your teeth or trying to swallow your tongue in which case running for the hills sounds appropriate.
There’s no shame in saying no. If you’re scared the guy won’t like you because you won’t go further then maybe that’s a sign he isn’t someone you should go further with. If he’s worth a shot in the sack then he’ll be patient and do the work. Will he be disappointed? Sure. But hey, that’s why there’s porn (and thanks to the internet, FREE porn). So unless he’s blind and handless, calling it early before either one of you gets too hot and bothered to avoid making regrettable decisions sounds pretty sensible to me.
My tip? Go with your gut. When you feel like putting your shirt back on and saving the best for later, do it. On the other end of the spectrum, if the timing feels right and there’s some insurance handy (aka contraception) then go for it! Just be considerate and say goodnight before he gets you off if there’s no plan to return the favor. Because that would be teasing.